Doug39

Hello. I am a 53 year old married man.

I grew up with a father who was an abusive alcoholic. This caused me a lot of stress, anxiety and depression in my life. I also have low self esteem.

I myself started drinking heavily at age 25. I have pretty much gotten drunk everyday for the last 27 years.

It has been 59 days since my last drink.

The reason I am writing is that 22 years ago I married an alcoholic and she currently still drinks everyday. This bothers me a great deal because it is hard for my sobriety and I know it could end my marriage in the long run if she continues to drink the way she does.

My question is what is better for me AA or Alanon?

Thank you for your time.

ScottFromWI

I would try both and see which one is a better fit.

biminiblue

Many people need both and there are lots of people who go to both on a regular basis.

I actually came to sobriety in 1988 when I absolutely could not deal with my relationships and my past relationships. I was defeated. My first 12 Step fellowship was Al Anon. I ended up doing a lot more on my own through church, counseling and reading every self-help book known to woman. Al Anon is really valuable, and I think most people need a meeting.

NewRomanMan

I agree with the above two posts. Try them both and see which is a better fit. There's no law that says you can't do both if you feel like.
I'm pretty active in AA, but I still prefer Al-Anon readings and meditations in my daily life. Whatever works for you.

CAPTAINZING2000

Ditto

Doug39

OK thanks.

I will probably try Alanon first. I feel I have a pretty good grip on my own sobriety.

Dealing with my wife's drinking is my main issue at this point.

Maudcat

Sounds good, Doug. Only suggestion I would make is to keep the AA stuff at AA, if you do decide to go there too.Easy to cross over, but, in my experience, Al-Anon members, while very welcoming of AA members, want to keep the focus on the loved ones' drinking.

Forward12

I would try both, also maybe try to get your wife to go with you as well.

Maudcat

I just reread my post, and it isn't clear. What I meant was that at Al-Anon, the focus is on the family members of people who are drinking; AA focuses on the person who is drinking or has stopped.. Does that make sense? Peace.

Fly N Buy

Recently attended my first al-anon after 2 1/2 years of AA yesterday, your thread is timely - thanks.


Good responses

Doug39

My wife would never go. Her sister goes to AA. Her sister has a bad habit of hooking up with men at AA. Her sister married one guy; he was a closet heroin addict and took everything her sister owned then left town. Another guy she hooked up with at AA fell off the wagon leading my wife's sister to fall off the wagon which ended up with her going to jail for assault. After all that she still didn't learn her lesson and is living with around moocher she met at AA.

My wife thinks AA people are all losers.

tomsteve

just my opinion here,doug, but it seems a person with both alcohol and codependency problems should start with addressing the alcohol problem.

sorry to read about your sister in laws experience, but it reads like she had a big part in it happening, like allowing it to happen.
its not AA that caused any of that. it was untreated alcoholism in the sister in law.

Maudcat

Agree with tomsteve, Doug. AA has its share of damaged people, but there are a lot of caring, supportive folks there as well. Give it a go. You wouldn't be the first person whose spouse objected to AA, then came around after seeing the reality of the meetings.

PhoenixJ

Your own sobriety for you comes first. Perhaps your wife could consider this too?

biminiblue

I don't know, tomsteve.

Sounds like the SIL could use an Al Anon meeting or three herself. :-|

Doug39

You are all right.

Even without AA my sister in law would have probably been in the same mess.

My point was that my wife is against all forms of self-help methods, psychiatry, or groups like AA. She prides herself on being strong and dealing with life on her own in her own way. She chooses to use alcohol to hide her pain - the way I did for 27 years.

Maudcat

Ah, Doug. That's sad, but it is what is. Hope you will keep coming around, as there is a lot of ESH here. Good luck and peace. Here when you need us.

biminiblue

Well, you can only fix yourself. Maybe if your wife sees you happier and solving your own problems, she'll start to work on her own. You can't bring her to sobriety and you can't heal her traumas. Much as we'd like to fix other people, it's an inside job.

Stay on your side of the street and keep it clean.

ScottFromWI

That's pretty much exactly the way every single one of us lived our lives for a time too. Pride/selfishness/stubbornness/control are all very common with addiction. And as you know it's only the addict themselves that can ever decide to change, I wish you the best in your path and hope that your wife perhaps sees your accomplishments and decides to do so as well.

tomls

Congrats on 90 doug!