BrendaChenowyth

What is a professional going to tell me? It's over and done with, I know. I need to stop thinking about it, I know. I can't change it, I know. There is nothing new to be said.

ScottFromWI

You let it go. You accept that it happened and that there is nothing you or anyone can do to change it. You will never find the answers to why it happened, and even if you did it wouldn't matter. Then you focus on now and how you can live a better life.

tomsteve

personally im VERY glad you started this thread. i have been able to look back and remember......i can remember stuff from years ago!!!

i had some pretty crappy,rotten emotional days early one- as i was in the midst of stepwork -learning,seeing,understanding, and FEELING. i would get emotionally messed up lookin at my past, missing some of the good stuff and playin i shoulda coulda woulda.
i talked to a man who hadda lot of good stuff to say at meetings that i relates to. he sat and litened,then pointed out a few things to me:
yup, had some good times, but for every good time there were 1000 bad times.

he brought up the 9th step promises, which start,"if we are painstaking about this phase of our development...."
painstaking....pains.......taking.
sometimes what i was gonna go through was gonna hurt, but it would help me heal.

then he brought up page 164:
"... as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny."

trudging sucks, but it happens and we have to trudge because it WILL be worth going THROUGH it.

then he brought up something from "how it works:"
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

spiritual progress happens in many different ways and sometimes that spiritual progress requires some mental and emotional turmoil. but the results of going THROUGH it is worth it.

Brenda,,imo, you've been doin pretty dam good- been seeing a lot, asking a lot, and learning a lot!


ya know what my sponsor tells me when i talk to him about something similar?
"ok, lets start at step 1 on it."
works EVERY time.

BrendaChenowyth

Speaking of spiritual progress, I think my religious studies may be what's triggered this... I've been reading the part of the catechism that discusses the commandments... At first I was pleasantly surprised to find how much detail it goes in to on each one, because this should be a very helpful tool in my spiritual journey, learning how to better myself... But then as I read through what each commandment expects and what counts as violating them, I found myself reflecting upon all the things I did over the past year in my relationship with L... My actions were far more morally reprehensible than I had ever imagined, now that I'm looking at them through the lens of the religion I have chosen... It doesn't make me doubt whether this is the path to follow... But it has left me feeling pretty hollowed out...


Edit.. I am sure my newfound interest in Catholicism has something to do with his being Catholic...

HTown

I mentioned this to you before on another thread,

being drawn to an emotionally unavailable man (married, or alcoholic, or workaholic, or gambler etc) is a red flag for something in your childhood.
I think you said your dad was that way. you are trying to fix that part of you. there is a hole in you that you think this man fills.

Instant chemistry is not always a good thing in my experience, that obsessive longing, it is fantasy based and it is the missing pieces of you.

you need to heal your inner child just as I had to do. Therapy is good. Reading is good.

you must work to heal the parts of you that you think he will fill? do you think he will hold you and you will be safe? do you want to be taken care of? what does he represent? it is more than sex. if you are still obsessively longing for an emotionally unavailable man, you must decide what you want him to fix. what need. then work to fill that need by yourself.

BrendaChenowyth

This... is so stupid...

BrendaChenowyth

It's definitely something about my childhood.. and something about exposure of all my sins.. Did you know that if you decide to get baptized in the Catholic church as an adult, you have to confess and atone for every sin you've ever committed? So that is what I have been reflecting on lately.. My soul is just very exposed and I guess part of me wants to grab on to anything it can use to hide under.. I used L to alleviate my unresolved feelings, I transfered all of my feelings on to him.. and that ended so recently that I guess it is the closest thing to grab on to.. since I won't drink now.

I don't know why I have this need to talk to a bunch of strangers about this! That almost frustrates me more than anything else!

tomsteve

if I have asked God to forgive me for my sins, He forgives.
then its up to me to forgive myself.

BrendaChenowyth

It's not as simple as "I'm a sinner, forgive me".. Not in my chosen religion..

soberlicious

You have no idea what others think. I often read posts on my phone app while I'm out and about, but reply later because I hate typing on my phone.

I certainly get choosing people who are emotionally unavailable for whatever reason. I get missing them too. But missing them can be endured, and over time it lessens. With distance often I'm able to look at a situation more pragmatically and less emotionally which helps me move forward. What cannot be endured, or sustained in any real kind of way, is continuing relationships with emotionally unavailable people. You can be sad about something for a while and still know that it's the best choice for you to move on.

Berrybean

Really??

I thought that was pretty much the whole deal. As long as you're speaking from your heart and not just giving it lip service.

BC, could you please , please, please check your HALTS triggers, because you sound like you're in what me and my lovely AA besties call 'the vortex'. In the vortex we grab hold of as many complicated thoughts and juggle them round in our heads all at the same time until we really feel hopeless and despicable.

God loves you BC. It might not feel like it, but he does. He's there with you, waiting for you to crack open that sin-toasted heart and let his love in, ask for his forgiveness and strength and come home. It's not as complicated as your head is making it. If you don't believe me, seek out a spiritual advisor at your church and have a heart to heart. That's what they're there for.

If you have never read Nadia Bolz-Weber's Accidental Saints, I'd really recommend that to you right now. It is quite, quite beautiful.

Love and hugs being sent to you from the misty little Isle of the Eels xx

BrendaChenowyth

I am totally caught in the vortex.. But at the moment more in a way that doesn't take myself as seriously as I was when I started this thread...

I feel like finding religion was supposed to create freedom but at the moment it's just exposing weakness... which probably is a good thing if I let those areas develop in to strengths.. more on this later..

Berrybean

Okay. You're in the vortex and rather than trying to deal with all your past and all your future right at this moment, could you just try to do some breathing exercises and push all those other thoughts OUT of your head as they pop up. Instead focus on the right here and right now. This is where our power lies. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing in and out, counting, or just focussing on the sounds you can hear around you, or how each part of your body feels .
Once you've calmed, think though those triggers. Are you Hungry-Angry-Lonely-Tired? What can you do, practically, right now to alleviate any that are present. Never underestimate the power of HALT. I swear, one of my gals could easily get committed on how crazy her head gets when she's hungry. Now I just feed her first then talk later. Sorry if that sounds flippant, but it's my honest to goodness experience.

Doug39

I felt like this when I quit drinking for 4 months in 2013 - after I started drinking again I soon realized my life was really the same drunk or sober.

It is just that when I was drunk I didn't have to think about it.

I am today 54 days sober and I do not care how bored I get. I would rather be bored and sober than drunk and not thinking about being bored - cause when I wake up in the morning I am bored, miserable and hungover with anxiety and depression. No thanks.

Ken33xx

Why?

Because it's often difficult breaking up with someone.

Fellow at the meeting last night was down because he too is having a hard time getting over a relationship.

Personally, I've never found it easy saying goodbye or having someone else tell me that. Unfortunately, it's all part of life.

One thing is for certain drinking again isn't going to help.

Even if you did get back together if you're drinking it'll be more of the some old, same old.

Soberandhealthy

Brenda, please don't get mad at me but what there is to ponder about? The guy is married to someone who is not you who has issues enough to try to take her life. Is this what you really want closure about? Please don't take it the wrong way I care for you I read your post and I think this is your AV or disease talking please you deserve way better just think about it and if your thinking is sick get someone who think for you till you are healthy and able. I said this with love because I know what it is to be your worts enemy.

bemyself

Brenda,
A few mere thought bubbles from me, which you can take or leave.

1. You're 31, if I recall. Ergo, a huge part of your life is still ahead of you. That can include a future healthy relationship with someone, but it sure as hell does not need to be NOW.

2. Which leads me to my second thought: you're about 9 or so months sober? You know, surely, why many people strongly recommend keeping right out of any kind of love relationship for at least one year, if not more. And that includes even the ones that might appear on first glance to be 'ooh, really healthy! Just the right person for me! It's Real Love, this time - I can't let it slip me by! etc etc etc etc....' And this one is far from even that.

3. Therapy / counselling / whichever you wish to call it: take it from an old hand at this stuff - the good, the bad, the ugly; the expensive, the cheapest (through public health services), and anywhere in between. My current summation - for myself, who is 30 years older, and for you is the same: any of us with a very problematic history with intimate relationships will be helped with therapy. I said 'will'. Not 'might'. As to the cost excuse: I too live on a very low income. It doesn't mean I can't access any therapy at all. Look into it, you'll find the ways and means and at low cost. Think outside the box which you've boxed yourself into on this matter.

4. The Catholic thing: I speak as an ex-Catholic, and someone with a great deal of ongoing exploratory avenues in matters spiritual. Only you can decide if Catholicism is right for you right now. I have a neutral position on these things these days, but having said that: what sent up a red alert to me was you noting the coincidental timing of your pursuing becoming a Catholic with this chap's Catholicism. Red! Alert! I don't know you at all; but I would So-Not-Recommend taking on yourself any religious or spiritual position or life stance which is not one you've decided to explore as an independent woman. Sound like a few double negatives there? Probably. Nevertheless, maybe just take a big step back from that right now. It's too messy. You don't need more messiness, by the sound of it.

5. Just as a final thought: 'closure' from anything in life is very much over-rated, not well understood, and bandied about in popular parlance as a kind of quick fix. Ring any bells with addiction? On that specific notion, Scott kinda nailed it - darn it :-)

Come on, dear Brenda - no one here wants to see you go back to this character (bloke / chap / cad). And no one here wants to see you thrash around for too long in an unnecessary and destructive funk over said character / bloke / chap / cad...and bounder.

Make an old feminist happy, girl - ditch him completely! There are better men out there for you as Fricka wisely noted. It just takes some time, in real time.
Vic

fini

BC,
are you thinking the decisions you would have made had you been drinking would have been better, more reasonable, your conclusions more rational?
that's crazy thinking!
when I was drinking, I so often thought I was following my heart, y'know, doing these emotionally courageous things, being authentically me. what I was really doing was reacting, just reacting to a bunch of tortured, messed up and chaotically changing feelings.

the emptiness you speak of....yes. I felt that, slowly growing throughout my lengthening sobriety. I took a long time sitting with that, with the gap that clearly I'd used alcohol to try and fill. it wasn't loneliness as such, but a much more fundamental alienation. and of course alcohol couldn't fill anything, but worked as illusion for a while. ersatz.

eventually I nderstood it was spiritual hunger, for lack of a better phrase. for something much deeper.

but it's only being sober quite a while that allowed me the wherewithal to stay with the process, and the true courage to go that way.

you're getting sidetracked and letting yourself be blindsided by this obsession. it's now getting you to a mindset where you doubt your healthy decision in favour of stuff like oh, sober life is actually pretty much worse, and so really, not much point to it if any, and anyways....and so....I might as well, because then, when I did, at least I had people, and actually....

the real growth and the real work is by going forward soberly. grappling with emptiness is ultimately a good. ultimately filling.

wishing you well with that.

BrendaChenowyth

Soberandhealthy - why do people have to ask me not to get mad at them. I have better people to be mad at lol

Ken33xx - others know the story.. because as someone else said, I brought it up a lot.. I took care of this man's aunt.. and we quickly formed an emotional sort of romantic bond..nothing physical ever transpired but his wife had some freak outs because of our involvement.. and our feelings for each other become very very complicated to say the least.. I did find him extremely attractive physically and in every other way.. I think he was attracted, too.. and in August, a week after I got sober, there was a tense moment in an upstairs bedroom that very well could have led to something.. And then a month ago I panicked when I found out family members knew of the rumors of an affair, I quit the job, as his presence had increasingly caused me fear of a relapse..

The drama was very appealing before I got sober.. the wondering if anything would ever transpire.. I left because I thought it would threaten my sobriety if I stayed.. but I've had a lot of moments where missing him does the same.. I liked my job, as a caregiver, but truth be told, very soon after meeting him, my life revolved around him, my feelings for him, when I would see him again, what might happen.. I showed up to work just to see him most days.. for a year

BrendaChenowyth

bemyself: No, I have four months on the 21st.