I took my sobriety for granted
 

I feel so guilty for relapsing after THREE YEARS of sobriety. I had such a clear head on my shoulders and it all fell apart. I've been binging for two months now on the weekends and I am so foggy I don't even know where to begin. I can blame it on so many things like my broken relationship (which I DO harvest resent meant still towards if I'm honest). I just wish I could have my clear mind back. I back to square one the oh-****-is-real stage. UGH. Just so angry at myself and feeling sorry for myself. Not helping I guess just sound pitiful. Not even sure I'm making sense right now. :headbange

Thought I could hold my head high after my relationship ended, but clearly didn't. Let that two glasses of wine at a girls night quickly swirl into blackout nights drunk driving home. Scary how fast I resorted to my old ways after THREE YEARS sober just took less than two months to unravel all that work. Was so hung over sunday, vomiting in my car on the way to gas station to buy gaterade. This is not where I am supposed to be. :(

Yeah, I went right back to where I was and worse after nearly two years sober on my last and final relapse.

Just put down the drink, and start again.
That's what I had to do, and it worked.
I've just accumulated another 13 months of sober time,
and I'm never going back to the bottle.

You know you can do SS, because you've done it before.
Just go for it again and really accept you just can't have one ever :grouphug:

The beautiful reality is that you do know how to do this as you have three y ears of sobriety experience under your built. I returned to sobriety after having 13 years; you can do this. Get rest, nutrition, and lots of water. Check in here often. Be kind to yourself. Let us know how you're doing so we support you.

You got this!

Glad you posted. I routinely check SR, one of my new addictions. I needed to read this.

Holidays are here. Time to visit w friends and family.

A few are going to be drinking. Temptation will be there.

My physical recovery is good. I feel it can be better. Mentally, my av is lurking like a shadow in the night.

Posts like yours remind me of the path that can end it all.

I have come so far. Never drinking again.

Thank you...Thank you!

Yes, thank you for this post. I continue to be amazed at how one drink can open up the floodgates to a full blown relapse. BTDT, have the t-shirt.

I'm glad your back with us posting

Welcome back! Keep reading and posting. You help so many not to mention yourself!

Anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone (resentment, anger, regret, shame, guilt, heartache) when a button is pushed and there is a lot of energy attached, a lot of intensity. That means there is old stuff involved. It is the inner spirit who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness, not the adult.

Pay attention to this it's very important. The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system of an alcoholic works. The battle cry of why so many relapse is, I'll show you, I'll get me.

Because of our broken hearts, our emotional wounds, and our scrambled minds, our subconscious programming, what the disease of alcoholism causes us to do is abandon ourselves. It causes the abandonment of self, the abandonment of our own inner spirit and that inner spirit is the gateway to our channel to the Higher Self.

Remember this guys, when we are reacting out of old tapes based on attitudes and beliefs that are false or distorted, then our feelings cannot be trusted. That doesn't mean that people who can stay sober don't have (resentment, anger, regret, shame, guilt, heartache). Some of us just have more ego defenses that buries the feelings deeper. That is good news in early sobriety because it helps one to stay sober. It can be bad news later on because it can cause us to resist growth and to not have the humility to be teachable.

The reason that I am alive today is because I was able to go to treatment and work the 12 steps program. When I first got into recovery one of the things that I was told was that all I had to change was everything if I wanted to live clean and sober. I had no idea what that meant back then. Now I know that it means that I needed to change my attitudes, beliefs, and definitions about myself and everything in my life. I needed to start surrendering my way of seeing things, of doing life.

I'll say this until I'm blue in the face. Until we deal with our emotional wounds, past, however you want to describe it, we do not have the ability to be emotionally honest with ourselves. Until we change our relationship with our own emotions it is impossible to be comfortable in our own skins and we will continue setting us self up to further pain.

TB

You guys have probably seen it before. I just was SO arrogant and above it all! Skipping meetings for months on end. Judging others. Especially my ex-bf. The whole time I was just projecting my own demons, because I knew a relapse was coming. Its true if you are not working your program you are working on your relapse. I let my disease talk me into a pity party how quickly my ego gave in. And now I'm back here counting days! ..Day 1. I just want the fog to clear.

Not only have we seen it before, we've done it before. Some of us many, many times. That doesn't excuse it of course but it helps to frame it and acknowledge it for what it really is.

Day 1 is rough to be certain but one of the absolute certainties about withdrawals is that they always end. And if you truly decide to accept your addiction for what it is, you never have to go through this ever again. I'm glad you've come back here seeking help.

Relapse is a danger until we understand that life is better, in every way, with no alcohol. Ever. The initial promise of release, excitement and enjoyment is a lie. It doesn't work that way for us now, and it never will again. That voice that says otherwise is a distorted and perverted survival drive gone wonky from all of that alcohol.

Accept that. Accept that we deserve a better life. We deserve a good life, free of this shame and sickness. Believe in yourself.

The way forward is free of this. Best to you, SS. You can do it.

I am glad you made it back too. The title of your thread, taking sobriety for granted, got me thinking about another thing we can foolishly take for granted.

The idea that we can always come back from a relapse, and the idea that our past experience of sobriety will help us the next time. In my experience this is not the case. I have seen many folks relapse after long periods of sobriety, and I used to think the same thing. "They know what to do, we'll get them back on track again etc. ".

Often that just doesn't happen. It seems incredible but it is like their sobriety hard drive with the accumulated knowledge of their last extended periods of sobriety, has been completely wiped. They can be like different people. My friend Zac was like that. Ten years sober, slipped, last time I saw him he was surrounded by well meaning AA friends, all intending to help him through it. None could, he was dead in three months.

It is like Russian roulette. You never know which is the loaded drink. The fact you made it back is wonderful, and it is a blessing that you are already in a frame of mind to seek solutions. I really hope you make the most of this chance. There is no guarantee you will get another one.

SS,

The whole thing stinks, but it is what it is, and you can get through this.

The fact that you have done it before does not make it easier, at least it didn't for me, but you do KNOW you can do it cause you have done it. That did help me when I had doubts -- I had factual evidence that I could do it.

But Mike is right, grab that rope and hold tight -- you are back and we are so happy to have you.

How can we help?

XXX

Sorry I missed this - welcome back Sulphuric Splash :)

I understand beating yourself up and feeling guilty but I think that energy is best put to use in fighting for your recovery.

You made a mistake or two - learn from them and get back to where you want to be :)

D

First off thanks for posting. I'm coming up on 2 years sober in a few weeks and this is a powerful reminder that just because i have sober time accumulated, that it can all vanish and i'll be RIGHT back where i was.

My last drinking experience was after 87 straight sober days. Thought i was OK to have a drink. That exploded into 6 straight blackout drinking days.

Scary. My drinking picked RIGHT back up where i left it off. Glad you came back.

Really sorry to hear this but very thankful you posted here as I'm coming up on two years sober (for the first time in 30 years) and have been having some worrying thoughts recently about drinking. I needed to read this so thank you so much and good luck going forward.

I understand completely......

good luck!

Thanks for posting this......for a new comer it really is an eye opener.....please don't put yourself down and don't worry about the day 1 ....its like going to weight watchers getting on the scale and it goes up its just a number.
Your here and posting and realized that your human. The scale goes up......our age goes up .....we fall off the wagon....we are human!
We are all in this together and we will encourage each other :You_Rock_

Sulphur, thanks for the wake up call, so glad you are back.
Gotta, sobering thoughts, so important a message. This is my chance, now. Not next time. Now. I have not been tempted, per se, but my thoughts have wandered into the zone of, well, maybe.........with my liver tests so improved maybe that one after dinner sip or two might be okay. You reminded me, NO!