Coming out as sober to mother
 

A part of me thinks she will understand some of the ways I act now if I tell her it's because I'm sober, because I've worked out my issues, because I've come to finally love who I am... When I am happy and bubbly and chatting about life and random goofy stuff with her and all she says is "Okayyyy...." I feel crazy misunderstood. I don't know what she is thinking of me when she just responds to my delightfulness with Okayyyyy. It makes me feel lonely and I wonder if I could alleviate that by explaining who I am now and why. I always have a response when she talks or her husband talks, I show an interest in what they have to say, ask questions, laugh, express a reaction.. Never would I ever just say Okayyyy. It's almost childish to me.

Another part of me thinks don't bother, she won't believe you... I am worried that if I try to tell her that I have finally worked things out and am sober for the long haul, she will say "How can I know that?" And the only answer is "YOU can't know that, because you are not me. It is knowledge only I possess absolute assurance of, because only I am in control of me."

I know the answer to my question is pray and wait, and things that are meant to happen will happen when it is the right time.. I am just really frustrated by those "Okayyyyy" moments. I would like to be able to behave naturally and comfortably at home and my natural behavior gets a sketchy reaction at best..

I know she's your mother and that makes it extra challenging to not be affected by her interaction with you, or the lack thereof. But I've found it best, once you get to that place where you know you're doing what's right for yourself, not to worry so much about receiving validation, or rejection, from others. They are going to think what they want to think and draw their own conclusions regardless of your efforts to prove yourself one way or the other. I've learned this myself over time. It lets you off the hook when the only person you really have to be concerned with is yourself.

It's impossible for us to know what other people are thinking, even our closest family. And to place expectations that they will feel a certain way based on our actions or words is a recipe for frustration/failure. As GMO says, they will draw their own conclusions based on many different things, not just you.

Doing what is best for you and your sobriety will yield the best long term results. Not only just for you but for those around you. And people around you WILL notice eventually that you have become a more responsible and trustworthy person.

Well, I like to try to anticipate responses before I act in ways that can affect other people... I think that's wise... those are the possible reactions that I feel are likely based on the relationship we've had the past 31 years.

I do that, too, to a certain extent. It's understandable. I would caution you not to let your expectations or predictions of the reactions of others determine your actions, though. Our expectations are frequently incorrect and unreliable.

I guess I don't give a rip if someone knows I'm sober or not because it's not the issue... I want to be able to act in a way that is just normal and comfortable to me without getting that why-are-you-acting-so-weird tone... And it's just becoming more and more apparent that distance is better, not standoffishness, not the silent treatment, not avoidance, just less time together, because I am rubbing her wrong by being happy and she is rubbing me wrong by being sketchy. Sobriety and the happiness I've found in it were supposed to make my life and all the relationships in it better, not more awkward. That's the frustration.

Edit: Being one's authentic self and running in to awkwardness is a lot more awkward than being awkward and getting awkwardness in return for your awkwardness.. if that makes sense?

And that is an unrealistic expectation - you cannot control other people's reactions no matter how much you plan for it or anticipate it. Just as you have an independant mind and make decisions based on many factors, so does everyone else. So you are basically setting yourself up for failure by expecting that to happen.

Do other people react in ways that are selfish/mean/thoughtless at times? Absolutely. Is it fair? No. Can we change it? Absolutely not.

I

I'm all whole and secure in who I am... I don't need anyone to love me... I know...

I would not explain to her, just do your thing and eventually she will get it.

I find too much explaining is a jinx.

Even with my family, or maybe especially with my family.

God
grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cant change
courage to change the one I can
and wisdom to know that's me.

GMO hits the nail on the head.

I would following his or her advice.

There is no requirement or timeline for telling people that we are in recovery.

I would let the matter sit for a while longer if you have any concerns at all.

I'll bet they melt away in time.

I find that my serenity with any given person or situation is in direct proportion to my acceptance of them/it.

I know what you mean about wanting to live authentically. I can only be me. I have found peace in my life by accepting my relationships with people for what they are, whether it be awkward, easy going, or in-between.

It's important for me to stay away from influencing what others think of me and just stick to accepting what is.

You mention just wanting to be comfortable in your own home, and I totally get that. Can you ask mom to get her own place?

it is so interesting, though, when we feel we're all whole and secure and then run into being unacceptinf of others the way they react to us...

BC, you've changed a bunch of the steps in your dance with your mother, and she hasn't caught u p. she may never. this can certainly increase awkwardness between you, actually, my own experience was one of me feeling awkward and 'new' in significant relationships when I first got sober....because I was, in fact, new.

Can you be nice, please?

I'm a student until next December, that is why I am currently living with my parents. There isn't much I can do because I can't afford rent and I made this commitment to school for 2017.

If that was an attempt at a joke, please know that it did end up being more of a gut punch.

It is not easy living at home at 31 (soon 32) years of age.

I'm doing this because I want a better relationship with my mother, I want to get along with her better for the duration that I'll be staying with her, but of course our relationship will be very important to me going forward. I have met other addicts on here and offline and who have recovered and then never got to make amends with the people they hurt, mothers included, before they passed.

Oh man Brenda I completely misunderstood. I didn't know the back story and just made an assumption. I am so sorry.

My mother isn't infirm or anything, I don't support her, she's supporting her adult daughter.. which until this past August was sheer enabling, unfortunately. We have had many a falling out because of my issues, and most recently on two occasions failing in school because of my drinking. She still continues to support me, under the agreement I continue working on my degree and after that I go, and if I quit school all together I go. Our relationship is better but still strained, at least in my eyes, and I guess I thought in sobriety certain things would click in to place, that being one of them.. It is probably silly.. and probably unnecessary for it to be perfect.. I think I may have been over thinking things earlier..

You know I can't even tell you why that remark hit me the way it did... probably because you have responded to wrong interpretations of things I've said before...

But the way I read this one was "Can you ask her to move out?" like a sarcastic reminder that yes indeed I do live with my mother, and not the other way around, so I need to maybe suck it up if the relationship isn't working for me, that kind of thing... I see now that you didn't mean that, I just wanted to clear up why I took offense to it. My bad. It had to do with my insecurities. Someone once told me that in my situation I am going to have to eat crow. She seems to agree.

I am very close with my mother. At about six months of sobriety, she asked me, "do you no longer drink alcohol?"

She knew I was an alcoholic, very much so. She was the recipient of many slurred and incoherent phone calls from me over the years.

I shook my head and said "No. I don't drink alcohol anymore."

There was a lot of weight in that very brief conversation. You could have heard a pin drop for about ten seconds after I spoke.

And we were done.

We have not spoken of it since and that was a year and a half ago. We have an implicit understanding that as long as I'm sober, we aren't discussing it.

I didn't tell anyone until about six months. I turned down drinks when they were offered, stopped buying it. I wanted my actions to speak for me.