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Coming out as sober to mother

Old 12-09-2016, 01:40 AM
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Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers View Post
I wanted my actions to speak for me.
And this is what we're left with. Most of us have reached that point where we've said many times over we were done. People in our lives have truly wanted to believe us, just as we've desperately wanted to believe ourselves, but the nature of addiction is such that we sabotage confidence in our ability even to keep our word. So, then the power to convince with words eludes us. Our only recourse is time, and a daily commitment to sobriety. Some will be supportive and believe in us, even in times we don't believe in ourselves, others may remain skeptical to the end, but neither can change the truth. Neither can alter reality. You have to stay the course regardless of what others say or think.
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Old 12-09-2016, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers View Post
I am very close with my mother. At about six months of sobriety, she asked me, "do you no longer drink alcohol?"

She knew I was an alcoholic, very much so. She was the recipient of many slurred and incoherent phone calls from me over the years.

I shook my head and said "No. I don't drink alcohol anymore."

There was a lot of weight in that very brief conversation. You could have heard a pin drop for about ten seconds after I spoke.

And we were done.

We have not spoken of it since and that was a year and a half ago. We have an implicit understanding that as long as I'm sober, we aren't discussing it.

I didn't tell anyone until about six months. I turned down drinks when they were offered, stopped buying it. I wanted my actions to speak for me.
Thank you. This is actually exactly what I envision happening, and this would be ideal.. and typically us. Though one of the things I don't like about our relationship is that certain things are treated as though they should not be mentioned. That puts the person at the center of the thing not to be talked about at a certain disadvantage..

But I see this exact scenario playing out.. I have just felt uncomfortable lately because I feel like my behavior is so much different from what she is used to, and her responses to it seem so ambivalent and even skeptical that I wonder if it should be brought up.. I'm not going to.. it will come up when it's supposed to.
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Old 12-09-2016, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by GetMeOut View Post
And this is what we're left with. Most of us have reached that point where we've said many times over we were done. People in our lives have truly wanted to believe us, just as we've desperately wanted to believe ourselves, but the nature of addiction is such that we sabotage confidence in our ability even to keep our word. So, then the power to convince with words eludes us. Our only recourse is time, and a daily commitment to sobriety. Some will be supportive and believe in us, even in times we don't believe in ourselves, others may remain skeptical to the end, but neither can change the truth. Neither can alter reality. You have to stay the course regardless of what others say or think.
Very, very well said. Thank you.
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Old 12-10-2016, 05:40 AM
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I seem to have given off the wrong impression. I talk on here to work out the problems I still have in sobriety... but maybe I should do that less... People seem to be getting concerned for me when there's no need to be. No, I am not slipping, spiraling, feeling weak or looking for an excuse to drink, nor am I at risk. I prefer sobriety, period. There is no person or event that is going to change that.
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Old 12-10-2016, 06:02 AM
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I've just read through this thread and don't see any comment or anyone expressing concern about your sobriety and its maintenance.

Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I seem to have given off the wrong impression. I talk on here to work out the problems I still have in sobriety... but maybe I should do that less... People seem to be getting concerned for me when there's no need to be.
Well, you started the thread describing something that seems like a personal problem for you. Or at least a challenge. People respond to that and offer suggestions and experience. What are you seeking then? Don't get me wrong I am not questioning it, just curious.
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Old 12-10-2016, 12:31 PM
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I talk on here to work out the problems I still have in sobriety... but maybe I should do that less...

I for one would be sad if you did that. You speak from your heart and your very busy, analytical mind. I learn from you. If people show concern, its cause they care or relate. You're doing great. I wouldn't worry about a thing.
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Old 12-10-2016, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Aellyce View Post
I've just read through this thread and don't see any comment or anyone expressing concern about your sobriety and its maintenance.



Well, you started the thread describing something that seems like a personal problem for you. Or at least a challenge. People respond to that and offer suggestions and experience. What are you seeking then? Don't get me wrong I am not questioning it, just curious.
Didn't say in this thread.
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Old 12-10-2016, 01:56 PM
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It's a total lie. I want to drink.

When my mind got bored with this whole mess about my mother it went to other darker places.. because that's what happens when you surf the wave of negativity.

So I was up all night thinking about that man I used to talk about all the time... I have 111 days and I am obsessing over a situation that I can't change and I swear the next time I see the serenity prayer I will choke someone.

I don't have time to drink, I work til 10:30 tonight and then I have to go straight to bed, I won't be able to sleep, and then I have to get up at 7 and I kind of want to get out the door before anyone else in the house wakes up because I just know that even though someone left me a ridiculous note about using their coffee cup I am going to get another nasty iteration of the same thing on my way out of the house tomorrow ITS JUST A GOD FORSAKEN CUP YOU SHREW
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Old 12-10-2016, 01:58 PM
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I do not want to keep existing in a world where I can not avoid other people lashing out for the slightest little stupid thing.
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Old 12-10-2016, 02:30 PM
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I'm not really familiar with what your plan of recovery consists of, BC. What is it you are doing to help work through these resentments?
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Old 12-10-2016, 07:46 PM
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I have shared about that many times. But one of the things I do is what I'm doing here right now, as I've said a million times, talking them through helps sometimes and other times it doesn't. when I do ask whether others think it would beneficial to talk out these problems with her, people generally tell me I should not do that. I agree. If it comes across as though I am merely whining about them and not making any effort to work on them, that is not the case.
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Old 12-10-2016, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I have shared about that many times. But one of the things I do is what I'm doing here right now, as I've said a million times, talking them through helps sometimes and other times it doesn't. when I do ask whether others think it would beneficial to talk out these problems with her, people generally tell me I should not do that. I agree. If it comes across as though I am merely whining about them and not making any effort to work on them, that is not the case.
Please pardon my laziness for not doing my own research to learn your recovery strategy. You sound frustrated and irritated, which is understandable. You said talking it out helps sometimes, but not always. So, are you looking for solutions, or just venting?
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Old 12-10-2016, 08:20 PM
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I don't have the energy tonight.. but usually I talk about what I do to stay sober in the subforum for newcomers because I often see people who could benefit from it...

There isn't always a solution, I am just talking it through, venting, whatever you wanna call it.
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Old 12-11-2016, 08:13 AM
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so, BC, you say you want to drink.
and that you didn't have time to drink.

what will you do when you do have time to drink?
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Old 12-11-2016, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
so, BC, you say you want to drink.
and that you didn't have time to drink.

what will you do when you do have time to drink?
Find something better to do, I'm sure.
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Old 12-12-2016, 02:07 AM
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You seem angry. I find lately that I am angrier than I have ever been at little things, and I am not sure why. Things are going good.

I know anger is just a mask for fear, but I don't feel afraid. Just pissy.

None of this is easy, sadly.
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Old 12-12-2016, 05:20 AM
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Yeah, I was easily set off because I was sleep deprived... I was sleep deprived because that man has been on my mind non-stop... things were getting better with that, I haven't seen him in almost a month and I'm not going to again, so I don't know why he has been popping up... Slept better the last two nights, though.
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Old 12-12-2016, 06:06 AM
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Do you remember the song -- think its from Pacific -- "Gonna wash that man right out of my hair" -- get out the shampoo..
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Old 12-12-2016, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I do not want to keep existing in a world where I can not avoid other people lashing out for the slightest little stupid thing.
been wondering about this, BC....are you serious here? or was it uttered in utter frustration as a momentary thing?
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Old 12-12-2016, 06:31 PM
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That was frustration. We can't always get what we want... Until the day I can afford to retire, stock up on food and essentials and live out the rest of my days in a cabin in the mountains somewhere, I will have to put up with living in a world where people are idiots...

I had yet another jerk coworker today... In this field you have to be able to let other people know what your physical limitations are. The caregiver I was working with is able to lift these MS clients of ours without difficulty. I on the other hand have some back issues that I don't want to risk making worse. In her mind, I should still do my fair share of the lifting, even though there are still other ways I can contribute to their care and care of the household. The other five people I have worked with there are very agreeable. We gel, we work together and help each other. Not so with this woman, but happily, I am not the only one having issues with her attitude. I said I couldn't lift and her response was "WHATEVER!" She's sixty.. Anyway, on the next time we had to do the same transfer, she walked out of the room. I did it myself, and my back has been hurting every since. Then again it does every day. Stuff happens. I have to work with her tomorrow, but fortunately, in the future I will be able to avoid her..
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