husband is an alcoholic, how can i help?
 

I know I can't make my husband stop drinking, but what can I do to help him? His longest time sober is when he went to AA for a couple years, but he says he doesn't want to do that again. He says he wants to do it on his own, but he shows me every night he can't do that. What can I do to help him? How can I encourage him?

Welcome crystal. It's a tough situation you are in for sure. You can be supportive of him getting sober, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to get him to seek help. He will need to make that decision for himself. It's common for addicts to want to "do it on their own" too, but most of us can't.

I would assume you have talked with him about how you feel? It may be time for you to seek help for yourself too, there are programs like al-anon that can help family members of alcoholics. We have a friends and family forum here too that is a great place to meet and learn from others that have been through what you are going through.

You could try going to meetings with him, but unfortunately there isn't much you can do to change things. They want to truly want to quit themselves, and nothing else will change that,

You could buy him a copy of the following book, which is dirt cheap on Amazon, and which describes a method of self recovery, whereby the addict administers their own cure. It is a very easy read.

Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction by Jack Trimpey

There is also a lot of free information at the Rational Recovery web site as well, and there is some discussion of the method in the Secular Connections forum right here on Sober Recovery.

If your husband is genuinely interested in quitting drinking on his own, he will at least read the book. If he is only putting up appearances, then he probably will not want to read it. In that case, you could read the book yourself, or keep the book in case he changes his mind someday.

Crystal - thanks for your share. I was the alcoholic husband. Wife tried, did not work. I agree with Scott and Forward. Up to him. Look after yourself and trust your feelings. Thoughts and prayers to you and your hubby. PJ.

Thanks for the posts. I'll look into that book. :)

Glad you are here. Alcoholism is a family malady. The best thing you can do is get help for yourself. Therapy, Al-anon, Soberrecovery board, whatever. Get a plan for YOU to get better.

That is the best thing you can do for your spouse.

:-)

To complicate things, I'm also an addict - opiates. I've been on suboxone and in couseling for a few weeks and I'm doing really well. He sees me feeling better and says that's motivation for him. I think I'll look into Alanon (sp?).

I think that's a good idea to look into AlAnon, and I'm glad you are doing well in your recovery from opiates, congratulations on your sobriety thus far!

Thank you!! I'm looking forward to when I'm off the suboxone, but for now it's really helping me.

Does anyone have experience with medication for alcoholism?

In what sense? There are no medicines that can "cure" alcoholism, but there are some that can be used in conjunction with a sobriety program. Most are not meant to be used long term though and are mostly an aid to help get through the initial stages, kind of like suboxone with opiates.

Having said that, the best solution is to seek medical help/advice from a doctor regarding any medication.

My husband is an alcoholic too. The best way to help him is help yourself. Sounds silly I know but you have to stay true and take care of yourself.

Be strong and definitely give Alanon a try. I would suggest trying more than just one meeting - try to find a group you feel comfortable with. It may take time but eventually you will.

:grouphug:

I cannot speak for everyone. Only me. Challenging me makes it worse. I dive deeper and try to hide. I am sorry I can't give a better answer. If he says he wants to quit, he probably does want to. Quitting is not easy. I have tried about a hundred times. No success yet. But I do keep trying. BTW, I write this from a bed in the ER. Past experience tells me I will get transfered to a room soon. Probably in behavior health. Keep trying!

Hi Crystal,

My husband has done a couple of great things that really helped me in sobriety.

1) he quit drinking too
Not only does it really show support, but it also really helped male alcohol a less salient fixture in my life

2) he helps out more
Instead of plopping down on the couch and leaving all the childcare/cooking/cleaning to me after I come home from work, he helps a little extra here and there to take some of the pressure off. Where before I was doing everything, he has balanced out our chores a bit

3) he doesnt push
He didn't flip out or make me feel bad when I told him, but he also doesn't try to control my life and force me into sobriety or expect me to share every little detail of my life. He didn't make me into a project. . He just lets me try and let's me know that whatever I do he will help in whatever way I need. He lets me be independent

I don't know what your husband is like, but is there a way he generally likes to be approached when something goes wrong? That might give you some clues on how to help him through this

My husband is a great man. He works, he helps me with our three small children, he's always there for me when I need him. He only drinks at night when everyone's in bed. I just get so concerned with the amount he's drinking. I don't nag him, I don't get mad when he drinks, I don't make him feel guilty, I just ask him if there's anything I can do to help and support him.

One thing that seems to be a hinderece is we're Christian and he looks at alcoholism as a sin rather than a disease. I think it may start out as a sin, but once addiction takes hold it's definitely a disease.

To complicate things more, I'm an opiate addict. I lied and hid it from him for three years until about a month ago after spending time on these forums. I quit the pills and started suboxone and therapy and I'm feeling much better. I guess part of me feels guilty that he isn't feeling better. I asked him if he'd go to a meeting with me to support me and he's thinking about it. My hope is that it will be helpful for both of us. One great thing is he did ask me for a link to these forums after I keep telling him how helpful they've been for me. I pray that he'll get on and find the support he needs.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time. :) It's so nice to have found so many people that understand.

lying
 

What especially frustrates and hurts me is when I ask him at 10pm when I'm getting ready for bed how he's doing and if he's drinking tonight and he says 'no, I'm doing good tonight' then, an hour later when I come out to grab something he's drinking booze that he bought hours before I asked him how he was doing. Why can't he just tell me that he's already planning on drinking? Why can't he tell me it's a rough night? I find out by the smell of alcohol on him when he comes to bed or in the morning anyhow. It's not really the drinking itself that gets to me (although I'm terribly worried about his health), it's the lying.

I understand that I lied to him during my active addiction, but I really feel like the only way I did it is that I didn't actually have to lie to his face. ...although now that I'm writing this I realise that I probably would have lied to his face to get my fix...

I'm planning on going to AlAnon, but I guess my question after this long vent is, what can I do in the meantime to not let his lying get to me so much and tear us apart? Even though I can understand where he's coming from, I just can't help how hurt I feel.

Hi Crystal,
Hope I can be helpful. Your posts struck a chord with me because I was just like your husband. By day a loving, supportive and helpful husband and father and a night time closet drinker. After everyone was in bed, out would come the bottle of booze I'd bought earlier that day and smuggled into the house. I was a liar and a bottle hider. I always wondered if my wife would be able to smell it on me when I came to bed, now I know.

I pray that your husband finds whatever help he needs (it sounds like he at least recognizes the problem and wants to stop, so that's a solid beginning - many of us never even get that far). I say this because in my case, things became much, much worse before they got better. Without getting into the details, it became medically necessary for me to quit. I had withdrawal that led to a seizure and hospitalization. If I'd continued on the path I was on, I likely wouldnt be here today.

For you - first of all, it sounds like your husband loves you. Start there and hold onto that. Keep in mind that your husband is sick. You know that he is a good man but has a problem he is struggling with. You have to look after your own needs too, as others have suggested. I know the lying and hiding must hurt terribly but know that he doesn't do it intentionally to hurt you. He is trying to manage something that has ahold of him and he is ashamed of. Especially if he's got all kinds of moral ideas about sin wrapped up in it. So I know the deceptions are painful but they are a byproduct of the problem, not the main problem.

For him - I can only speak to my own experience but AA helped me get sober. There are many paths to recovery but I was desperate at the time, didn't know anything else and have a friend in AA so I went to him, and he's now my sponsor. For the first year, I was an AA poster child and sung its praises.

With a newly clear head though, after a while there were parts of the AA lifestyle that began to wear on me. Feeling confident in my sobriety I began to wonder if I really needed to attend so many meetings and give so much of my life over to the program. AA Big Book thumpers will tell you that this kind of thinking is dangerous and headed for relapse, but I knew I had no interest in drinking any more, I just wanted some of my life back. I kind of started to feel like I started out neglecting my family for alcohol but now I was neglecting them for AA. For a while I just stopped going and looked for other recovery options.

That led me to Rational Recovery, mentioned earlier in this thread. I read that book and it scratched me right where AA was itching me. It uses more of a psychological approach, like cognitive behavioral therapy, to combat that addictive side of your nature, the Addictive Voice or AV.

This is getting long so I need to wrap it up, and apologies to everyone for going on so long but I thought you might benefit from someone who was wearing your husband's shoes. Suffice it to say that AA helped me GET sober, but only one person (not meetings, not AA, not my sponsor or anyone else) KEEPS me sober and that's me. And to do that, I use mostly the concepts I learned in Rational Recovery.

I still go to AA meetings from time to time, just to stay connected to the fellowship, but it's a nice support system for me now, not the main focus of my life. So I would say I use some elements of both AA and RR, which is a bit puzzling because RR is very critical of and "anti" AA but hey, as my sponsor once said to me, "If you're sober and happy, can't argue with that. Whatever works."

Indeed. Prayers for you and your husband. As others have suggested, you can't really force his path, but you can guide and support him. He already knows and acknowledges the problem, so I'm at least encouraged by that as a start.

Thank you so much for your post. It brought me to tears. You described him perfectly. I think what you had to say helped me understand him better and expressed things in a way that he can not right now. I know he loves me and I know he doesn't hurt me intentionally, but sometimes my emotions just take over.
You'd think it would be easier for me to understand him since I'm an addict myself, but it feels different on the other end.

His longest time sober, 3 years, is when he went to AA, but like you, alot of things rubbed him the wrong way and he doesn't want to go back. It's hard to find the right treatment that's in line with our Christian world view. I just did some reading on RR this morning and I think it may be a possibility.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. God bless.

as he attempts to put up the "good fight."
 

A nice reminder from a loving wife of what worked for him before (AA) and sharing with him your true desire to once again have a sober husband.

When I was a drinking husband I knew that with Him Above I was falling very short -- not a good feeling. Explain to your husband that you want what's best for the family and he needs to try and do his best for the family. Meanwhile you will support him through his struggles -- as he attempts to put up the "good fight."

M-Bob

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately I already tried* what you're recommending a few days ago and he said he doesn't want to go back to AA because it's mostly unbiblical garbage. He doesn't like the use of a 'higher power'. I said that if HIS higher power is God, then it isn't unbiblical. It shouldn't matter to him what someone else's higher power is.

I'm praying for him constantly and trying to be supportive without being pushy or naggy. I told how badly I want him to get into recovery so that we can set a good example for our children and hopefully break the cycle of addiction. (we both grew up with dad's in active alcoholism and addiction)

I'm going to start going to meetings for my addictions and I hope that he'll be willing to go with me for support, he is at least thinking about it.* I hope that going with me will open his mind up to going for himself.

This may be a silly question, but since I suffer from alcoholism and addiction, should I be looking for AA or NA? And would NA benefit him since he's only alcoholic? I'm not familiar with the differences or with why they are seperate