Advice from recovering alcoholics?
 

I am looking for help for my family and myself. My husband has a drinking problem. My story is a little bit different than others because I didn't realize this until we separated. I will try to sum it up as quickly as I can. My husband and I had an amazing love story. We got together in 2003 and married in 2008. About 4 years ago, I noticed him changing. He wasn't as caring, kind, open, etc. When I said something to him, he ignored it but things only got worse. He began shutting down all together. He wasn't there for me emotionally for big things that happened. In the past, he definitely would have been. For the last 2 years, things have been really bad. We tried therapy but he would never open up even when I told him he needed to. Eventually, he was sleeping on the couch. I would always initiate conversation but he still wouldn't open up to me. It caused me to get very angry and fight with him. In July we were seeing a new couples therapist. I told her I wanted to work on the marriage but I wasn't sure if it would work out. He told her he was 100% in it and wanted to fix our marriage. In August, we got into a big fight and I had had enough. I told him to leave. I had asked him in the past for a small separation so that we could think about our relationship but he never went. Our therapist thought it was a good idea. I never left because I have no where to stay. Anyway, he left the house and for the first week we talked and so each other like everything was normal. I thought I was getting the break I had asked for until I called him the following week and ask him what the next step was and he told me he was done with our marriage. He never even have the decency to call me and tell me he felt this way! Since then, he has changed a lot. He is like a stranger to me. He supports me and the family financially. When it comes to emotions, he has done. He has seen me cry, he has seen me angry, sad, desperate, everything. He has never shown me any emotion except anger. In the beginning, I will try to touch him like hug him and he would back away. He makes me feel horrible about myself. He doesn't stick to schedules for the kids but if you ask him, it's all about the kids. I tried to explain it to him how hard it is for me with our 3 boys and how hard it is on them but he says they are fine. They are not fine at all. He sees the kids less and less. When he doesn't have the kids or is not working, nobody knows where he is. I have told him several times if he is seeing someone else he should tell me because that would be a deal-breaker and he would not have to worry about me wanting to be with him anymore. He insists to me and other people there is no one else. He's paranoid also. He shut off his personal phone and only uses his work phone. I know that he did this because he thinks I track him, which I do not. After months of driving myself crazy because I can't believe someone could go from loving me so much to being so cold and unemotional, my therapist asked me if I think he drinks too much. He asked me this because of his actions and his ability to shut off all emotions. After a few weeks of thinking about it, talking about it with my therapist and watching my husband, I finally realized that his drinking is definitely the problem. He lives at his mom's house and I took note that he drank almost 2 big bottles of vodka in less than 2 weeks. I feel less crazy but I am so upset that this is the problem. I grew up with alcoholic parents who I no longer talk to because they chose alcohol over me. I also can't believe that I didn't realize this was a problem when he was living at home. When I would say something years ago he would tell me I was overreacting because I grew up with alcoholic parents. Now I realize how much vodka he was drinking several times a week. I got him to go to therapy with me last Monday where at I brought up that I think he has a drinking problem. Therapist asked him some questions and he answered honestly. He stated that he has three or four drinks a week which consists of four or five shots of vodka in a glass. He also admitted that he drinks in front of the kids but does not see a problem with it. She said that he is a moderate Drinker right now and that he has a problem and needs to get help. She also said it is very bad that he is drinking in front of the kids. Since last week, he has been really mean to me. At first, he was insisting on a divorce. He's been saying divorce since the beginning but never pushed it like this. He says everything you can imagine like I can quit anytime I want to or I don't have a problem. He told me yesterday that he hadn't had a drink in a week but I don't believe him. Saturday night he went out and didn't get home until the middle of the night. If not drinking, what was he doing? This is another reason to suspect he is seen women. Or maybe it's just drinking. I don't know. Are there any recovering alcoholics out there that can give me some insight on what he is thinking? And what he is feeling? On what I should do it? How I should approach this? Thank you so much.

There's a really great book called Codependent No More that I suspect would be very very helpful in your situation :)

It's hard to say what's going on but his personality change made me think of drugs or medications, too. Do you think there could be more than just alcohol involved?
I also suspect cheating. SUSPECT. That was just another vibe I got while reading....but it's hard to really say right now.
But people are more likely to cheat and do things out of character when alcohol is involved, for sure.

I became quite mouthy when I drank, blurting out whatever was on my mind so if alcohol is making him quiet, he reacts differently than I would.

Some alcoholics can hide their drinking quite well and it's possible he doesn't open up much and is afraid to speak, in case you can tell he isn't acting normal.

Sounds like a rough thing for you to go through. It must be very hard to love someone for so long and then he changes on you like that.

I'd suggest not getting judgmental or preachy about his addiction if that's what his problem is. That would likely make him just hide things from you and be less open. Instead let him know that you're on his side and would like to help out if you can.
Hope you get all this straightened out soon. Hugs

I would suggest going to a couple of open aa meetings, have a listen, talk to one or two people about he issue. It can be useful to know one or two recovered alcoholics who you can introduce to your husband if and when he is ready to accept help.. Maybe buy a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. There are chapters about alcoholism, and also suggestion for wives and families.

Second, I would have to recommend alanon family groups. They are for friends and family of alcoholics, drinking or sober, and there is good support and information about the most important thing, talking care of yourself and your children. Alanon uses the aa program to help people come to terms with alcoholism and get on with their lives. I once heard a recovered alcoholic say that when his wife joined alanon, it was his life that changed.

I actually just started to go to AlAnon. I will keep giving it a try. It is a little harder b/c a lot of the people have an alcoholic in their lives that loves them...mine does not.

Also, I was wondering about the AA meetings and if I can go to any. So, just find an open AA meeting? Thanks!

Yup, open aa meetings are for anyone with an interest in alcoholism. I hope you find it useful.

I always think the sad thing about alanon is that a lot of drinking is still going on where as in aa mostly it has stopped and living sober is the issue.

In my experience, alcoholism causes us to become emotional cripples. By the time I got sober, I wouldn't have known an honest emotion if I fell over it. If your husband is heading down the same track it may not mean that he doesn't love you, but rather is incapable of expressing how he feels in that regard. The self centeredness of alcoholism doesn't leave much room for loving others, it tends to destroy relationships and most of us drunks seriously regret the hurt we cause. Part of our program of recovery involves making amends for that hurt.

I wish you all the best in the times ahead.

Thank you for your help! Do you mind if I ask another question or two?

1. Do you think the amount he drinks is serious? I would assume it is higher than what he admitted.
2. When you got sober, did you get your emotions back? Did you restore any relationships? Am I never getting my old husband back?

Not at all.
1) he seems to be drinking a lot more than the medical professionals would consider safe. A lot of non alcoholics do that also. It is not so much about how much we drink as what happens when we drink that defines alcoholism.

2) I was very young when I got sober. I got emotions back, but I was all over the place for a while. I have been a member of aa for a long time, and have seen many families reunited, many hopeless alcoholics turn into loving husbands, many antisocial alcoholics rejoin the community, many miracles really.

I can't, answer your last question. The way I look at things for myself is that God is in charge of that sort of thing and I just do my best each day. What I know from experience is that when something doesn't work out the way I wanted it to, something infinitely better often happens. I am so glad I didn't get my own way in many things. My sights were set way to low, I would have got myself a really second rate deal in life.

Thank you so much! Congrats on remaining sober. I can only imagine how are it can be. I hope my husband makes the choice to get help before it does get worse. I will be here if he does and needs my support.

Honestly, I can't tell if there is any "alcoholism" here. There are a lot of folks that drink moderately and even heavily that are not alcoholic. Personality changes in relationships are not so rare and they many if not most times have nothing to do with alcohol and drugs. I think we have a tendency to always look for a cause and alcohol is the most obvious choice. I really wish you the best, but your situation sounds a bit more complex than your husband having a drinking issue.

I probably should have added that I highly believe that my husband may have been depressed when he started drinking more. He comes from a "dont talk about your problems" kind of family. I don't think the drinking is as bad as it could be but if he was having issues with depression, I dont think the drinking helped.

i cant tell if theres alcoholism either to be honest. seems like a lot of focus on him tho and it takes 2 to tango. He didnt get this way overnight. I'd imagine if his behavior went to crap while living with you and it was drinking related you would have noticed the drinking issue prior to him moving out. Thats what makes me think theres more to this then if he drinks or not. He might be drinking more currently becuase its a crap situation etc.. it might lead to alcholism it might not I dunno. I know lots of folks who drink to cope but are not alcohlics (IE rough spot in life they drink then once it passes they dont drink anymore).

It soundes like he's shut his emotions off tho as a way to protect himself from you or the situation. Men can be like that we will shut it all off so we can charge forward with what needs to be done in order to get thigns done or protect ourselves etc..

for what its wroth i had to shut my emtions off with people close to me when i got sober. so that i could protect my mental health that was so fragile and move forward. Now one might say that the new sober me is a bit more "cold" then the drinker me was. that was a hard thing for peopel do deal with. whey is he so cold why does he seems o emotionless how come he seems to not care. its not that i dont i jsut had to shut it all down to protect my own mental sanity so i could stay sober because inside my head i was looseing my ****.

the best advise this ex selfish, self centered drunk can give ya is focus on you and the children.

Hi and welcoem jmv :)

I'm very sorry for your situation, but I know you'll find support here. I'm glad you're going to AlAnon - support is very important.

We also have a Family and Friends section you might want to check out as well :)

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

I agree with everything you say. Maybe he is not an alcoholic but a moderate alcohol abuser. I do know that this was an issue when he lived at home. I think after him telling me several times I was paranoid because my parents were alcoholics that I looked away. I can tell you though, he drank often and a lot! He told our therapist that he was drinking a glass of vodka every night before he went to bed. The last 6 months before he left he was sleeping on the couch so I didnt watch him drink himself to sleep every night. His family knows he is a drinker too. They have seen it.

Lots of great help here...sending you a hug.

I would keep your eyes open as I suspect more will be revealed. Odds are he is seeing other women or something else is going on as well as the binging,
Iike maybe a porn or gambling addiction. You should probably keep an eye on your financial stuff, credit cards, bank statements, etc.

I'm an old cynic, but 9 times out of 10, what your instincts are telling you turn out to be true.

I don't know about another woman...he wouldnt be giving her much time between work and seeing the kids. And if there was and he wants out of the marriage, why not tell me? He knows that would be a deal breaker for me!
I have thought gambling as well...