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How do I talk to my ailing alcoholic mom?

Old 11-29-2016, 06:50 PM
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How do I talk to my ailing alcoholic mom?

Maybe this is more appropriate for the friends and family forum, but I've been here before and received such great support through my own recovery. My mom is currently in the ICU, pulling out of a hepatic coma and massive bleeding from burst varices. She has cirrhosis and has been having a go at this sobriety thing for the last 2 years. She goes to AA, but slips up and this past slip put her in a coma for 2 weeks. This has been a rollercoaster and weren't sure she'd live on a minute by minute basis. We've had a difficult relationship that has improved over the last few years. I want to scream at her! Shake her! Tell her how terrifying it was to see her on her death bed. I just want to pour all my love out on to her and force an epiphany moment.I don't even know what her prognosis is. Taking it day by day. How do I speak to my mom?
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:57 PM
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Welcome back Ettie. Very sorry to hear that about your mom, she's very lucky to have you and your family there to care for her in such dire straits.

Regarding your question, I really don't think there's anything you can do or say that will change her motivation to quit. She will need to do that on her own. You can certainly be there to offer support if she asks, but there's no was you can "fix" her. Taking care of yourself and getting support for the damage she's done to you is important too..have you considered al-anon by chance?
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Old 11-29-2016, 07:04 PM
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What he said.. not to be a parrot.

This subforum is very very active, sometimes if you post in the others, you won't get a response for some time.. IMHO this is good.
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Old 11-29-2016, 07:14 PM
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I am open to al-anon. Just feeling like I'm burning the candle at both ends. Working, being a mom, running to the hospital, trying to keep life together. I feel like I cannot add a single thing more to my plate.
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Old 11-29-2016, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Ettie View Post
I am open to al-anon. Just feeling like I'm burning the candle at both ends. Working, being a mom, running to the hospital, trying to keep life together. I feel like I cannot add a single thing more to my plate.
I understand it must be very difficult to balance. Al-anon can actually help you in that area too. So can forums like the friends and family and others here....you can see how others deal with relatives in similar situations. Taking care of yourself and your immediate family has to take priority so you may need to start distancing yourself from the wreckage created by your mother. Especially if it's cutting into the time you need to spend on your family. Al anon can also help you prepare for the possibility that your mom will never quit drinking, which is a possibility that is hard to face by the the reality is that it's sometimes true.
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:33 AM
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Absolutely take care of yourself first. Scott points out your mom may never quit drinking. Even if she does, it appears alcoho has already done extensive damage to her.

I would say forgiveness is key here. Forgive yourself that you cannot save her, and feeling like you are letting her down. Forgive her for her very human failings, and for letting you down.
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Old 11-30-2016, 06:59 AM
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Thank you. I really don't even have it in me to be angry anymore. I'm just so sad. How sick she must be to continue using even with death being a very real, imminent result. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I told my husband that if I ever contemplate drinking again to bring me back to this painful time.
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Old 11-30-2016, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Regarding your question, I really don't think there's anything you can do or say that will change her motivation to quit. She will need to do that on her own. You can certainly be there to offer support if she asks, but there's no was you can "fix" her. Taking care of yourself and getting support for the damage she's done to you is important too..have you considered al-anon by chance?
^^^^Bingo.
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