Distortions of thought
 

Aka Stinkin' Thinkin'

We all know this term from AA, but do we really understand what it is? I felt like writing on this topic and maybe I can give someone who needs it a fresh perspective.

Tonight I sent out a Facebook message to 24 friends I wanted to mail Christmas cards to. I said I wanted to do it the old fashioned way, send actual Christmas cards, and if they wanted one, could they send me their snail mail address. I got one reply back that stated that individual's email address.

Naturally, I checked myself. Had I been clear on which type of address I wanted? My message could have been more explicitly worded, I could have said home mailing address, but my message was sufficient for getting my point across. So it only took me a moment to verify that yes, I had been clear. I did not stay trying to figure it out. I did not say "I think I was clear". I said "I was clear". That one recipient misunderstood me. The others understood.

In another conversation I had today, I asked someone if their fears about relapse were related to feeling unworthy of success. He replied that he THINKS he is beyond that phase of his life. He THINKS that these feelings are behind him. So this got me thinking.

This is the definition of addictive thinking, as it is detailed in the first chapter of Abraham Twerski's Addictive Thinking.. It was one of the first things I ever read that began to shed light on things for me. He talks about a client who says to him "I now know that it is impossible for me to stop on my own, maybe." It is either impossible or it is possible. A student says her paper is finished by she still has some work to do on it yet. The paper is either finished or it still needs some work. It can't be both. And this is what the addictive mind does, in all situations, or at least many situations. It seems unsure of where it stands.

I know exactly where I stand at all times now. I stand in the present moment, with my eyes toward the abundance that lies ahead. I won't even say that I TRY to do this. I DO do this. I refuse to question it or to be mired by uncertainties in this, because it is IMPERATIVE that I live this way.

I do not hit the mark 100% of the time, I am an imperfect person. I do think about my past, a lot actually. It comes up, I say "No, I don't want that thought" and I don't stay in it, I move on. I wasn't present in every moment of today, I'll tell ya that. While outside helping my parents decorate the house, twice I got lost in my own thoughts. The first time I was daydreaming about a trip to the British Virgin Islands. The second time I got distracted by a tall pine tree which reminded me of my trip to Alaska years ago. I caught myself and returned to the present, amused that these were the places my mind goes now. Again, it still goes to the wrong things, the painful things, but since it no longer gets stuck there, it can play with delightful ideas like vacationing!

And here's what I know: The past is past, and my future hasn't happened yet. I haven't created it yet. I can not know what it will bring. If I head back to school in January with the mindset that because I failed at other things in the past I will fail at this thing, I will fail, because I am only focused on failure. If all I think about is relapse, that's going to manifest itself. I am actively creating it.

Stinkin' Thinkin' is like you're in the thickets of the swamp. You're wallowing around in the mucky muck, and you just assume you're stuck there, because you're stuck there! You are just complaining about the stink instead of focusing on getting the heck out of there and in to the shower.. lol

Just tossing this out here

Perhaps, they didn't want to have to return the favor and have to return one back....

Are these life long friends or the friends you've gotten to know from fb

I shared that more to illustrate that I did not find it necessary to continue trying to figure out if I had done something wrong, like I used to do in every situation in my life:
"Is it me? It's me. I could have done that better. I am such an idiot. Why can't I get my point across? Maybe this is why no one ever wants to be around me. "
This is what we do, we spiral down, and it starts with one thought of inadequacy or doubt. When we know something, we know it. Or we don't know it, and we recognize that, and seek out the answers. And then move on once we get them. We don't put a negative value on ourselves for not knowing something or not doing everything "right".


For the record, she did realize I was collecting actual mailing addresses and she gave me hers and asked for mine. Yippee! There was a much broader message, I hope that it did resonate..

I would never assume or guess what you suggested. Why? Because I didn't have ANY information supporting that!

That's interesting. Back in the day I could have formed some theory or imagined slight. I think the basis of stinking thinking is wrong assumptions and self centredness. I didn't need any facts. Judging someone else by my own standards would have been enough.

It is very self centred to assume that people act in a deliberate way to harm us, when in actual fact that could be the furthest thing from their mind. In the example, I might not have replied simply because I don't do Xmas cards, as a general thing, not a targeted thing. People that know me wouldn't be offended. But the alcohlic mind could make something of it.

Sounds like classic Cognitive Distortion, something us addicts tend to have issues with.

I have not received replies from half of the folks my message went out to. I had to ask every single one of them for their address, so that is how often we have done this kind of thing. LoL. They are welcome to take up my offer, they are welcome to decline my offer. They wouldn't be rejecting ME, so the motivation behind their decision not to respond is none of my business. I want to send Christmas cards to bring smiles to faces, not to get validation in return.

Again, I don't mean to make this all about the Christmas cards, it's just an example. And I'd like to hear more examples.

I know. This is for exploring that.

So let's get back to those Christmas cards.... Sorry couldn't help myself :).

I get what you're saying. The people pleasing, self doubting, conforming thinking. Afraid of being judged etc. Everything MUST be my fault, somehow. That's at least part of what you said in the post....

For me, right now, with only 104 days, it's progress not perfection. If I'm not drinking, and there's a smile on my face, winner winner chicken dinner. Praise God....literally.

LoL. Day 101 and agreed, forward progress is the thing to shoot for. Or you drive yourself nuts.

Let's stay on the Christmas cards. I have one person who spoke up and said she didn't feel comfortable giving her address out. We just know each other from Facebook. I'm from BFE, Nowhere and I like it here. I'm not trying to stalk anyone. But that's cool, I think everyone should be open and straight forward about their boundaries. Life would be simpler.

A girlfriend and I were just talking, we bet there probably are a couple people who won't say anything at all because they don't want to offend me. Guys, this is not the mature approach. Mature people can speak their minds without fear of reproach because they have confidence that they can communicate well. They don't get all mired in "What will she think of me? What will she say about me?" None your business, truly. And, until I actually say "you've offended me" or my body language broadcasts it, you don't have enough information to guess how I feel about anything.

And then we talked about people who can't hear you and won't say anything about it, because they don't want to be rude, so they pretend they heard or they just allow their faces to contort in to something seriously unpleasant which ends up being infinitely more offensive! LoL COMMUNICATION!!!!

PS I know I did what I say never to do.. look, we're imperfect. We still examine the things we do.

Another facet of stinking thinking - for me - is the.. beleaguerment of abstinence from alcohol. Attacking that thing from all sides, and at all times, and expecting not to be totally consumed by it. Hmm...

My overwhelming desire to share my newfound and - to me - miraculous beliefs has started to again make me feel like I am out of place. Today I realized that I want to study cognitive-behavioral therapy. I think this might be my true calling, teaching, counseling, writing on these topics.. Silly to think of that right now, I'm so new to all of it, but I never felt this way about the nursing field, like I just wanted to stay immersed in it. I went way off topic here.

You might have overlooked the question I asked about the people being life long friends or aquaintences?

I'd be disappointed had it been life long friends not responding back.
There is a difference on fb as far as a friend or someone I had only gotten to know from being on fb.

Food for thought

Expectations ? Hope Group AA

Well I'm old. And I don't do Facebook so I have no idea what having a Facebook friend really means. You crazy kids :). I do have a good friend I met online however....on a forum like this. We've only met once but I love her to pieces.....it all sounds so complicated Brenda. Again, I'm old. I'm all about keeping it as simple as possible these days. And thinking? I'm over it :). I am being tongue in cheek but getting too wrapped up in separating the pepper specks from the fly poop (oh GAWD I'm quoting my drunk father) exhausts me.

No, I addressed it. :lmao I talked about having to gather their addresses because we had never exchanged them before, and I mentioned some folks not being comfortable giving theirs out. Distant acquaintances.

I know full well there is a difference, that is pretty plain. The Christmas cards are intended for folks I would not normally reach out to, never go to lunch with or speak with on the phone. And why? Because some of them live in Canada, but by and large they are all online acquaintances. I didn't mention it because it wasn't pertinent, really. We're not meaning to decipher the politics of online friendships and proper protocol for the sending of greeting cards. I'm wanting to touch on specific examples for illustration of broader concepts here.

They're just people I chat with, like I chat with you all on here. We play word games, one in particular. That's all. Like I said in my previous reply.. it's not about the pepper fly poop thing. I can't show you what I'm really talking about without giving you examples of what I am talking about.

I'm watching something on youtube called Untethered, it's from Wretched..that's the channel.

So let's just say from the outset we don't subscribe to the religion that this organization subscribes to, so we're just looking at what is actually going on in the video, what these kids are saying.. or rather, what they aren't saying.

They are being asked some pretty straight forward philosophical questions and they are speaking when spoken to, but they are not saying.. anything. It's disturbing. One young man even says at one point, when asked whether his white shirt is orange, that it COULD be orange, if the questioners perception is that it is orange. Does 2 + 2 = 7? Yes, he says, if you think it equals 7. Then, the questioner pushes further, because how could you resist? He asks the young black man if he could really be white. I'm gonna let you guess what he said, right before, I presume, they all went to Black Castle and Whitejulius.

So there's this phenomenon of not feeling as though we're allowed to have an opinion on anything, even on things that JUST ARE. I think this falls under the category of stinkin' thinkin', too.

I can't sleep.