Finding my self-worth
 

Hey all,

I'm new here and would like to get some things off my chest to anyone willing to listen. On day 2 of sobriety, which has been off and on lately, but I've spent more days sober than drunk the past 3 months. I'd just like to string those days together from now on. Anyway, I'm recently divorced (finalized last week) and I've really been struggling to find the good in myself. My wife left because of my alcoholism, but I found out almost immediately upon the separation that she is with another guy.

I have had plenty of support from my family, but I feel like they don't understand the pain I have been feeling. I often think about why I wasn't good enough for my wife and how she could just leave me like that. We had many fights due to my drinking, however I feel like there had to be something else we could've done to fix things as we never tried counseling. In the end, I was willing but she was not.

Those of us who are alcoholics may never fully understand what the other person goes through because of our drinking. I can't help but beat myself over not seeing the destruction sooner. I was too busy being in a drunken fog, or battling with my anxiety/depression that always followed a binge episode. I must say that I'm truly thankful for SR and I look forward to sticking around for as long as I need.

I do not want this disease to destroy anymore of my life. I'm only 33, I have no children, and I've yet to accomplish anything significant. If I don't turn my life around now, I fear I may not have much of a future left. I'm just exhausted from this constant battle.

HI Eddy :)

I had very little self esteem when I quit. For me I got that back by doing good for others. I did a lot of volunteering, and of course I posted here.

I found it's much harder to be down on yourself when you've done a days work that really seems to matter :)

D

Hi Eddy,

It is very hard but I'm sure it will get better. I'm married with two kids. I'm 37 and have enjoyed career and educational success. However, alcohol doesn't care who you are, what you have. I am with you that I don't find self worth. If I did, I wouldn't be where I am. I work in the medical field and I take care of people. I couldn't even take care of myself. I'm going into my 3rd day and I'm terrified I won't find joy in life because I have ruined myself. However, after reading so many wonderful people's stories and how they were on the brink of destruction and have been able to come out stronger than ever gives me hope.

Hang in there and reach out. Take it one moment at a time. This is a great place to find people who share the same issues, feelings, triumphs and failures as you.

Everything that you're feeling and that you're experiencing is perfectly natural. It's also natural if you were to feel yourself in a hurry to make progress, to get things done.

It's very difficult to arrive at a place where we no longer trust ourselves, our own thinking and judgment, but it's a start.

It would be a good idea for now to start taking care of yourself. Our thinking becomes increasingly distorted while we're drinking, and there isn't a part of us that keeps us drinking that offers any relief from berating ourselves for not having handled things better. So don't look there. It's over. The battle, if there ever was one, was lost a long time ago, and there's no ground to be gained by stomping on yourself. Whatever reservations you may have about it, I strongly recommend that you get outside help. There is simply no way to measure the impact that social and professional supports can have with addictions, with other problems, and with life in general.

The things you're describing, you're going through, probably seem like the end of the line, so it's hard to see the opportunity for beginning something much better for you. It takes time, it take patience, and it takes a lot of work. New ways of thinking about ourselves, about life, and about ourselves need space to take root, so getting rid of old ways of thinking, unhelpful beliefs, and worn out excuses as to why we cannot make things better needs to be a priority.

You've got a long ways to go in your life and, at this moment of deep despair, you're in the best position to do something about it than ever before. You also have something that many people don't or don't know that they have. You have something much better to look forward to.

Welcome Eddy. You say that you haven't accomplished anything in life yet...I would disagree. You've made a decision to quit drinking and accept your addiction...that is a big accomplishment in my book. And if you keep that promise good things will happen, I guarantee it!

You need to know that no person outside of you can give you self-worth. You are worthy. You were put here to do great things. Our addiction is one that keeps us in a state of lowered consciousness, so we don't see things clearly. I just got out of what I now believe to have been an ongoing affair with a married man, after a year of thinking we weren't doing anything wrong. I hurt a lot of people in the process of.. basically trying to distract myself from the lack of love I had for myself. I was drunk the entire time. Now all I can do is look back at the lessons I've learned, and with love for myself and others, move forward and be better.

HI Eddy, very insightful post. I would imagine your confidence or self esteem is a bit fragile right now, which is understandable. I don't really have much in terms of advice other than you sound like a pretty smart guy and I'm sure you'll figure it out. Stay close to this forum. Lots of smart people here than can (and will) help you.

"had many fights due to my drinking, however I feel like there had to be something else we could've done to fix things as we never tried............."

Eddy,
my own experience was one of not understanding why we didn't do a, b, c or d, or seeing that we could have, might have, and I was willing but they were ornery...

not until I had been sober quite a while could I begin to really grasp that without sobriety nothing could really be "fixed". since I was broken, so to speak, nothing between me and significant others could be on a really even keel until I had that most basic foundation.

stick around, and if you stay sober you'll have a shot at fixing some stuff. better odds, for sure.

I'm so there. I have nothing to add other I do understand how you feel. Despite knowing this could **** everything up, I still decided to have a drink at lunch!

I keep telling myself I can do this...we can do this...people do it and go on to have lives.

We can do it!

Welcome, Eddy. Hope to see you around here.

Thanks for the post!! Keep up the good work! Change takes time!

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Your responses mean a lot to me. I'm hanging in there, and taking it a day at a time. I have been seeing a counselor and have found someone whom I can call who has experience in recovery. I feel like this site has been helping tremendously in these first few days.