Scared of getting comfortable - help?
 

I'm constantly looking back on my life before choosing sobriety thinking 'how did I live that way?? Who was that person?'. I feel genuinely horrified and confused by how much I lost myself to the addiction, thinking about the kind of person I had become.

While I feel absolutely no desire to drink, I have anxiety about falling into it again. Rather than obsessing over 'getting the next drink' as I did when I was drinking, I feel like I obsess over this deep dread of ever becoming like that again.

The worst part is, I'm scared of NOT being scared. I assume this fear goes away eventually, and when it does, I'll be at a risk for relapse. And that is the scariest thing that keeps coming into my mind. Like 'one day you won't be scared, and you'll forget the harm and you'll drink again'

Is there anything I can do NOW (ex books I can start reading etc) to help me prepare for the time when drinking no longer terrifies me? I'm scared of not being scared, but I also don't want to live my life in fear until I die. I've found a lot of resources for people deciding to quit, but less geared for people who have reached longer-term sobriety.

Note: I'm 90 days in, the longest I've gone in 5 years, due to actually asking for help this time around instead of trying to do it on my own.

congrats on your 90 days paintednails!

Great job on 90 days! As far as how you are feeling now, it's perfectly normal and most of us went through a similar stage. You are smart to be concerned and thinking ahead as well...because the day probably will come when you have a craving or think things are "better". That's where having a sobriety plan is key. Do you follow any sort of formal plan or program?

This link has lots of info about what others have done
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Regarding books, we also have a list of lot here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependence.html

Bottom line, you do need to prepare and plan ahead, and I think it's great that you are here doing so!

I recommend two books that have helped me to stay sober.
The AA Big Book and the bible.
Not in that order.
M-Bob

Congrats on 90 days! You're off to a great start. As for the pitfalls of complacency, I understand your concerns all too well. That tripped me up numerous times and it really took hitting the lowest of lows to overshadow what attracted me to alcohol. The consequences of my final drinking episode nearly cost me everything I value, and I'm still fighting to get back what means the most: my children. There are various different things in which you can involve yourself in order to maintain sobriety. This thread provides some useful links and information.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

90 days is awesome paintednails!

I hear you, I hear you, I hear you in your subject of this thread. I had 17 incredible months of sobriety under my belt and became complacent. I was fearful for a while of losing the remembrance of what made me quit. Indeed, that's what happened. A little before my year anniversary I was feeling very good about where I was. Life was good, I had regained trust and respect from family members, and I was loving it all. My mind went to the "I've got this!" place. For 5 more months that was true. I just bebopped through life feeling happy and sober. Then, the inevitable. I began to walk away from every single sober tool I had gathered, stopped going to AA, and became far less frequent in visiting here. I had it made in the shade, i was sober and didn't need any of those things!

WRONG!

I had totally lost mindfulness of how powerful addiction is. On a night out, during an event that work had planned, I caved. For the next 19 months the grinding was back in session. It took me some time to get back to being as bad as I was but that's only because my husband doesn't drink and for a large part of that time he didn't know I was drinking either. Well, he probably did but he was afraid to address it. Then, I manipulated him into letting me drink one day on the weekends. From there it all went downhill, ending in a DUI that didn't just involve getting stopped. There was an accident. That was back in May and I get to deal with whatever I have coming to me in January.

Anyway, I am bound and determined that I am going to great lengths this time to never again lose track of that mindfulness. To never forget what brought me here today. I am starting a group at my local recovery center for this very reason. I have named it AWARE which stands for Actively Working Accountability Recovery Exercises. This does not replace anything that people are currently doing such as AA or SMART type programs, it's meant to enhance mindfulness in sobriety.

So now that I've written that novel...... I am currently formulating the group plan, which is going to be starting sometime mid December. Part of my idea is to provide each person with a little notebook. The first page will contain that person's reason they need to stay sober. There will be another page for CRAVEbusters. There will be goals listed, any thoughts and ideas etc. Call it an accountability journal if you will. The self formulating of a plan. There is no requirement to do this. There are no requirements for anyone in this group rather than seeking continuous mindfulness in sobriety regardless of drug or drink of choice and regardless of what kind of meetings are already being attended. I am also going to try to do periodic outings. Like a group paint night, bowling, movies, etc. approaching local businesses to see if I can get donations. Additionally, not sure on this one yet but forming a call tree. I don't know, I'll see how things pan out and the receptiveness. This is a grassroots effort to provide discussion and thoughts on staying active in recovery and to never lose mindfulness of why we're here.

Maybe you could do something like this? Start your own notebook of something you want to do every day, once a week, or whenever you need it to keep you mindful?

I hope even one little iota of this helps. It's ok to be afraid of the person you used to be but transfer that energy into positive action of doing what's necessary to stay mindful and ensure you'll never go back :)

The bad consequences of drinking didn't stop me from drinking, and I don't expect them to keep me sober either. For me, this fear of complacency isn't a concern as it simply wouldn't help me. In fact, for me, if I depended on fear of consequences to keep me sober, I'd be lost. Just as I was when I was drinking.

What worked for me was to see what I was missing, and to understand I can have a good life, or I can have a drink. I can't have both. I am no more afraid of drinking again than I am afraid of stealing or committing murder.

When I was drinking, I was living in fear. I was anxious and afraid all the damn time. I won't live in fear ever again.

I agree that complacency shouldn't be feared, nor should it be doted over, but I also think that mindfulness of its existence is important. It's out there and it's one of the top reasons for relapse.

Meetings help me, nice job on 90 days!! Keep it up!!

im very glad ya have that fear which IMO is a healthy fear. my past is a very valuable possession I have. it reminds me of where I was, what happened with alcohol in my life, and what has occurred since I got sober.
what can you do now? learn how to enjoy life!
what can you do now? maybe accept that there is only one way alcohol will enter your life again and cause gloom,dispair, and agony- of you allow it.

I very rarely ever think about drinking in the sense of me actually drinking. give me a warm summer day and a lawm mower and the thought will cross my mind:" a couple ice cold budweisers sure would be nice right now."
its a blessing to have not wasted my memory completely and I know where that leads and I can let that thought be just that- a thought.
then get my thinkin onto something more useful.

Fear, in general, comes and goes. That's why I don't hang my abstinence hat on fear. Depending on something that can come and go makes my abstinence tenuous.

For me, there is no option, no loophole for future drinking. Every single thought or feeling that suggests future drinking in any way is assigned to the AV and then ignored....much like the bad egg sorter in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

For me, there is nothing to get complacent about. I don't drink. I never will. I know if I did, I will become readdicted and my life will suck. End of story. To make the story more complicated than that is just...well it's the AV. The AV always tries to complicate things and stir the sh*t pot.

Being always scared and vigilant is straight from the AV. It would like you to believe that you are not 100% capable of never picking up alcohol again. But the truth is, you are completely capable of that.

I think that this fear - which I had in spades at first - can be a bit exhausting and therefor dangerous. As a matter of speaking, it could get so bad that one would relapse to just get it over with. Which shows that it's part of the AV. Over time, I replaced it with vigilance, and with leading a life where drinking just doesn't have a place.

Fear and complacency are the extremes, there's a middle ground, and as you rack up more sober time that fear will morph into a healthier "let's keep an eye on my motives."

Congrats on 90 days. And yes, your post is full of fear. Shame. Regret. You are using words like horrified, obsessed, scared. Fearing you will fear until you die. You are saying you need resources for those who have reached longer term sobriety.

Honestly 90 days is early, early days. I'm only 102 so I'm right there with ya. But your post just reads of totally untreated alcoholism. Yes you're abstinent. But that's it. Now all your fear based thinking and the realization that 'hey, I have NO control' is scaring the shlit out of you. So you can stay terrified, or you can enter recovery.

The phrase One day at a time can be used in many different ways. Yes, it can mean 'just get through today without drinking'......useful in very difficult times. But to me it means a lot more than that. It means mindfulness. It means that I accept that this moment, right here, is THE only moment. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow hasn't happened. Life is what's happening while I'm regretting yesterday or fearing tomorrow. Today IS. And my HP is right next to me....the one who DOES have control, and who has my back. My having any control is an illusion. Yes, I have control over me, somewhat, but that's it.

Recovery is a daily discipline. If I practice some aspect of my recovery on a daily basis I don't need to be afraid. I don't need to go to meetings, volunteer, help others, pray etc all day long....just an hour a day or so.

Lose the fear. Start a program of your choosing!

The fear is a good thing. You might want to bookmark this page,and reread this thread from time to time. So you don't forget how you feel right now.
A lot of folks here will tell you this is a bad idea. Perhaps because of temptation. But i still have the beer that was next in line from the night I quit sitting right beside the television. It is there for the very reason you are concerned. It is so I don't forget what a slave I was,and how hard of a time I had quitting. I will have 8 years sober next march. I don't look at that beer the way I used to,but it still helps me remember.
Congrats on 90 days,and in my opinion remembering how things were,and how hard the last 90 days were is vital to staying sober long term.

For me, it is a matter of getting into a new routine. I didn't start drinking on a daily basis until I was 25. Before that I didn't really drink; maybe two dozen times total as a teenager and in my early 20's.

I started hitting the bars when I was 25 and loved it. I started going every night. After 6 or 7 years of that I got married and started drinking at home everyday. That was my routine - to drink everyday for the last 27 years.

Today I am 33 days sober because I have started a new routine of sobriety. I have no fear that I will forget myself and have a drink. This is my life now and alcohol is not a part of it.

For me, the real work was in letting go of the past. I had to examine what had happened and what it all meant. I had to forgive myself for things that I had no control over but for which I carried around a lot of shame. I had to forgive other people, who will never deserve my love. I learned to love me. So now sobriety is just the way I live. I don't want to drink, but I also don't fear that I might? I just prefer being above the veil of consciousness, where I need to be, and I can't stay there if I have any mind altering substances in my body. I won't even take communion wine if I go to mass tomorrow, because I was an addict, and I don't want to bring my past darkness in to something sacred, if that makes sense. I don't stress about driving past a liquor store or being around alcohol. It just doesn't matter to me, because I fixed all the stuff that I drank to stuff down.

That's a very big step. I didn't reach out for help until I didn't have much of a choice. Even then, I had intense daily cravings for about a year. Once that subsided, and based on good counsel and my own internal motivation, I knew that this was only the beginning. And though I didn't necessarily think of it in this way at the time, I slowly built a life for myself that made it extremely difficult for me to want to pick up a drink. The process requires a great deal of care and concern on my part.

Caring is a kind of commitment, and always introduces an element of fear. When I care about myself, about other people, about the things I do, I am also setting myself up for loss. Everything we know and love will someday be gone. But avoiding caring about people and things and shunning other kinds of commitments in order to avoid the experience of loss is a self-inflicted wound that never heals. Love and the loss of love is a completely human experience that has variants in other parts of nature.

The answer to your question is another version of caring enough to make an emotional investment, a commitment, in and to yourself. The only thing it requires is that you do it. It's a formidable task for many of us, but infinitely worth the effort. It has the added benefit of keeping you so busy and so involved so as to avoid the kind of comfort you seem to be talking about. ;)

There's a line from a song by Jackson Browne, Fountain of Sorrow, that goes like this:

And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past.

Yep fear sucks. I hate it and end up accepting the only way to deal with it is to work through it- with professional help. Keep posting- it is good for all of us. PJ.

For me it was, this is too good to be true feelings. But as time went on i knew in my heart that God was watching out for me and he wasn't going to let me die this way.
Just stay busy and don't look back. You're best days are forward. You never have to drink again. Congrats on 90 days. That's AWESOME!!

In AA we learn "not to regret the past nor shut the door on it." ( BB 4th ed) I think "fear" can also go in where "regret" is, as far as the future goes. We cannot let fear if going back keep us stuck and from moving forward. We remember what we were like- that edge keeps us humble and grateful- and learn tools to combat the times when regret, anger, shame, etc crop up.

I understand what you are saying. My analogy to it is when I appreciate people congratulating me on nine months- like my sponsor telling me she has not seen someone work a program so diligently in her five years sober- and I almost immediately want them to move onto another topic because I don't want to let my mind lose focus of what I need to keep doing. For me, recovery has become "yep, that's what I do" not "look at me, how great I am doing!" nor "oh my God, what if it all goes away?!" I focus on continuing to make the right choices and turn my ego- high or low- over to God and my program.