Friends who don't embrace your sobriety
 

Hi,

Any of you have friends or family who don't "get" or accept your sobriety? What do you do? I'm thinking about writing off a friend of mine. It's pretty annoying getting together and having to constantly and politely shoot down his requests to have a drink. Not sure why he can't just let it be. Just wondering what others experienced. Thanks.

As time went on in my own recovery/
sobriety life, I had to learn that not
everyone will or wont understand
my own recovery agenda.

There was soooo many time I tried
to explain the importance of my own
program of recovery to family and
friends and was constantly hitting
a brick wall with them that I eventually
had to ACCEPT them and their own
thoughts and actions.

I couldn't and never will change them
no matter how hard I tried and thus
learned it wasn't and isn't my place
to fix them.

Acceptance was and is the key to
my own success in sobriety and
allows me to achieve a healthier,
happier place in life.

Moving on and detaching myself
with love, care and understanding
strengthens my own resolve in
remaining sober no matter what.

Hi Roger

No, I haven't had any friends like that. My late husband had trouble with me not drinking, but he had trouble with my alcoholism too. That was a tough conundrum for sure.

I don't know how long you've been sober but maybe put this guy on the back burner for a while. Or do things together that don't involve alcohol. Did you tell him you're an alcoholic?

Just keep saying "no thank you." Eventually, he will stop asking. If he is a drinking friend, that is, if drinking was what you did together and all you did together, you will likely see less and less of each other. It is a great opportunity to flex your "no" muscles. Peace.

I offer people a drink when they come to visit, I offer tea (caffeine free - husbands) as that's what people seem to drink gallons of around here!
I can't stand the stuff and I drink coffee or coke for preference. (Still trying to moderate my caffeine intake unsuccessfully at times)
When I visit friends they offer me coffee no matter what time of day, even knowing I have sleep problems and rarely do they have decaf so I tend to get offered squash which I also dislike.
My point is, it doesn't matter that I'm a disliker of tea and don't drink it, I still need to remind some people of this fact especially when everybody else is a tea-drinker.
It's not much different really to your problem. I don't let it annoy me, I find it quite funny that people can be so wrapped up in their own lives and blind to the stereotyping of a 'british' person (in my example).
Some people think they're being funny but as its no big deal for me I don't dwell on it.

If I'm in a bar or with people/persons who are drinking alcohol I assume they not recovering alcoholics like myself and I don't feel the need to explain my choice in abstaining from alcohol to just say "no, thanks, I don't drink that, I'd like a <insert beverage name> please."

Maybe your friend doesn't understand or is trying to be humorous or even deliberately trying to annoy you.
Why don't you try speaking to them about it when they are sober and see if they realise how much this annoys you.
Good luck

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

I have old drinking buddies that after almost three years ask when I'm going to start drinking again. When I tell them never they look sad. Last night I was in a bar until almost midnight. I was performing, so conversations were limited to before and after the show, but people wanted to buy me drinks. Some of my old drinking buddies are respectful and others find it annoying. I don't even bother to tell them I've been taking classes to become an addiction counselor. Sometimes I joke that I drank my lifetime allocation and I'm permanently cut off, and then I change the subject. I'm certain some are threatened by my sobriety. I never judge but wonder if they assume I do. Whatever. I can drink club soda with lime and nobody needs to know any different. Some are friends and others really just want me to get drunk and act like an ass like I used to. Thinking about all those folks last night - many are hungover in bed while I'm up and ready to prep for a feast! And to top it off, I made $200 while entertaining and having a blast while they dropped who knows how much cash and are paying for it in pain right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One and only one neighbor of mine that I used to do some heavy drinking with has said that he preferred me in my drinking days that's okay because my wife and everybody else including my very close friends enjoy me being sober. sometimes you just gotta cut one or two loose.

M-Bob

I have found most people who would not accept my sobriety are the ones who felt threatened by it. When someone close quits it forces them to look at their own drinking. So the solution is to get the person in recovery to drink

I had to make some hard decisions when I quit, and one of them was changing some of the places I spent my time and who I spent it with. It was difficult at first, and certainly some of the people I quit associating with were kind, friendly people - but it didt take long to realize they were really just drinking buddies. Once alcohol was out of my life I really had nothing to share with them.

If this person is a true friend they won't keep nagging you about drinking.

Unfortunately I have experience of this. One friend kept pushing me to have a drink till I ended up telling her to...well...go away but I swear like a sailor so it was slightly worse. She apologised and we're all good now. Another "friend" tricked me. A few years ago I tried drinking non-alcoholic beer when I was out (it didn't work, I went back to drinking within a week) and he secretly switched it for alcoholic beer and lied to me. I wasn't happy and cut him off because that's not a nice thing to do to anyone.

The most tricky one has been a close family member who has drinking problems themselves. They can be quite rude when they've had a few and I don't want to cut ties since they're family and can be decent, but in those situations I set a boundary, say I'm not cool with them pushing drinks when I've said no, and then just leave if they continue.

You could replace the drinking piece with anything else.. There will always be someone who doesn't accept or agree with choices that we make. 7 billion people on this earth? There are others who want the things you want, sobriety and peace, and you will in time link up with them, just be patient. :)

I'm pretty ruthless. There's no one in my life who doesn't support my sobriety- no one.

To me, it's to any lengths, at any costs, and that includes people costs. I am fortunate that my family is beyond thrilled and supportive of my life of sobriety, a boyfriend as committed to recovery as I am (it is a mutual deal-breaker, even on our probable forever relationship), and friends who are behind me. I only have one friend who has a drinking problem and I have detached with love- he knows what I think about his alcoholism, he knows what he should do and he knows the door is open whenever he wants to talk, go to a meeting, whatever; I rarely spend time with him now and never when he is drinking.

My sobriety is just too important to me and having solid people behind me (and behind themselves) is critical. I have also found that I have a great social life and most of the people I spend time with now are either in recovery, or healthy/moderate/not really drinkers. My days of thinking it was fun or good to spend time with folks drinking (whether they have problems or not) are well over.

After five years of sobriety I have found this situation resolves itself in one of two ways:they knock it off or they get out of my life. All I have to do is keep not drinking.

I guess it's a bit difficult because I always considered this individual one of my closest friends. And after telling him I had a problem with alcohol and achieving continuous sobriety for over a year I just falsely assumed he'd accept my decision. It's not as if we had plans to go to some beer tasting or Napa Valley or something and then I spring it on him. We don't even hang out that much. Get together in the middle of the day and watch a football game. It's weird, but as I thought about it more maybe he has a drinking issue. Who knows? Oh well, life changes.

Best to be straight out with a (true friend).
I tell them that I care about their friendship and would like for it to continue but, I now have decided to not drink anymore. Drinking was not working for me or the ones around me. Would you mind if when we hang out you don't drink around me? Seeing ones drinking (at least for now) kind of makes me feel uncomfortable.

When I sobered up my family and friends would not drink around me for a long time. Seems like the respectable to do when a family member or friend is trying to stay sober?

M-Bob

August252015 hit it on the head. I feel the same way. If my friends don't care for the sober me they can hit the road. In the first place they're not true friends to begin with, and secondly, they don't have to live my life. I do. And I cannot do it without being completely sober. I have no problem cutting people out of my life who cannot or will not support my sobriety.

This was a short-term issue for me. By about 3 months sober my true friends rose like cream to the top and "drinking buddies" just sort of faded away. Once I was really serious about getting and staying sober, my true friends and family understood the importance of it to me and respected me for doing it.

My problem is that my wife still drinks everyday - and a lot.

We met in a bar back in 1994 and alcohol has always been part of our lifestyle.

I quit drinking for 4 months back in 2013 and it nearly ended our marriage. Part of the problem was that I complained that she drank so much and I believe she actually drank more just to **** me off and prove she wasn't going to let me control her.

This time I do not say anything about her drinking. We are both 53 and I couldn't even handle what she can put away in a night and get up early and go to work.

I realize that my drinking days are over - I mentally and physically can't deal with alcohol anymore. I drank everyday for 27 years. I have zero desire to go back to that life.

I refuse to be pressured back into drinking by anyone.

It's like we used to be the free entertainment for some of these people and they would love to have something to laugh about. Sorry, those days are over for me. If they want to keep drinking the poison, fine. But I have set my mind to not doing it anymore, and they don't live with me, my husband does. I am really enjoying sleeping good, waking up alert, no headaches, and thinking clear for decisions I have to make. If they can't accept it, then too bad.

Thank goodness my hubby supports me 110%.