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My brain feels like '.....now what?'

Old 11-22-2016, 05:53 PM
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My brain feels like '.....now what?'

Because of my medication, I'm experiencing absolutely ZERO cravings these past few weeks. It's been nothing short of a miracle, but it's a completely foreign experience for me.

My brain is no longer distracted by the pull of alcohol and the inevitable remorse. Now my brain is left to deal with all the lousy consequences of my drinking, like the people I've hurt. It's like I've spent years trying to put out a fire in my house, and now the fire's finally out and I'm surrounded by the wreckage.

Sounds bizarre but I almost don't know which is worse. Saying that, I won't pick up a drink today.
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Old 11-22-2016, 05:58 PM
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Now you rebuild.
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Old 11-22-2016, 06:10 PM
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Getting healthy- a level playing ground to look inside my soul- learn, grow, share, change- LIVE- that is how I see not drinking.
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:05 PM
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well yes, it IS a foreign experience. and so it can be uncomfortable. disconcerting. anxiety-producing. uplifting. confusing. discombobulating. slating. exciting. freakish. boring.
and many more.
and then it will change and you will feel differently.

there are ways to deal with the wreckage, and if you stay sober, you can find those ways and start that process.
lots of folk here who have done just that.
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Old 11-23-2016, 04:41 AM
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It is all a matter of getting into a better routine.

for the last 27 years my life was:

Get up
go to work hungover and miserable
drink after work and get drunk
repeat daily

I structured my life around alcohol and now that I am sober (30 days today) I often feel lost and out of place. But I am trying to find new things in life to live for. It is tough for me not to be able to shut off my mind with alcohol everyday like I used to; I have to deal with my thoughts and emotions 24/7 now.
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Old 11-23-2016, 04:58 AM
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My brain keeps looking for an escape, and now that the alcohol is gone, it's going into hyperdrive. Luckily I do have things in my days to keep me busy, but my mind isn't really there.

I sent an email to my girlfriend yesterday, checking in with her. I haven't heard back yet. I guess it's the 'not-knowing' that is driving me crazy right now. Feeling like I don't have control over a situation sends my anxiety sky-high. There's no amount of manipulation or rationalization that can fix this situation for me.
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:18 AM
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Not having cravings is awesome. I have had no physical ones in just now 9 mo sober- if it is because of in part or in toto to my medicine (Campral), which I still take as part of my psych-directed regimen, A-OK with me and I will take it forever.

I simply look at this as a blessing of sobriety and down play the "miracle" of it, really. I focus on the other stuff besides the drink - my emotional sobriety and program work is where I put my attention. Thoughts of drinking come in as abstract thoughts- I work in a restaurant so the physical act of carrying drinks to people is pretty constant- but I don't want to drink them and it's pretty much like carrying out apps.

Keep going- you have so much to look forward to as your sober time increases!

(A Sidenote- I didn't put myself anywhere near alcohol at first. If I went out to eat for the first several months, it was with my parents and I had a very tight (as in 1) friend group til I moved into rebuilding my social world. IME, I had plenty to work on internally, and being out in the world and therefore around alcohol could wait).
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Old 11-23-2016, 05:35 AM
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August - I will gladly take Campral for the rest of my life. It's just been an amazing thing...despite feeling anxious, depressed, etc. the typical compulsion to drink is gone. I'm still utilizing my support groups and contacts as part of my recovery, but I can't overstate how helpful this medication has been thus far.

I have a multi-day family gathering this week for Thanksgiving, which will include copious amounts of alcohol. On one hand, being surrounding by booze sucks. But on the other, it will be a welcome distraction to travel and ensure my son has a good time. I'm not worried that I will drink, but I have already looked up some local AA meeting in that neighbourhood in case I need to get away.
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Old 11-23-2016, 06:13 AM
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Another weird thought I've been having: am I 'cheating' in my recovery because I'm utilizing a medication? Although I'm going to AA and working the program again, coming to SR, etc. It feels like because I'm not *struggling* through heavy cravings and winning the battle over them, I'm somehow taking the easy way out.

I know that's crazy and and not rational, but after 10+ years of struggling to stay sober, this is where my brain leads me.
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Old 11-23-2016, 06:30 AM
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You're not "cheating" in your recovery. You're giving yourself the best possible chance at it. Cut yourself some slack and go with what is working for you right now. In time, if you feel like leaving the meds behind, more power to you. But for now relax and go with what you need to do to be healthy physically, mentally and spiritually. The rest will come in time. Be patient with yourself.
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Old 11-23-2016, 06:38 AM
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Agree with NewRoman - I am an adamant advocate for using the right medicines under a good dr's supervision. I am honest with my dr (that was a problem in my active alcoholism, to say the least!) so now I get the benefits of the ones she prescribes. I agree with her description of them as just more tools in my box of recovery aids.

Many will have different opinions, especially on things like benzos (side note: I do take one, ativan, under her supervision, for anxiety; I am ok with this, too), however I strongly believe that drugs like Campral and Antabuse when appropriate (I took it for the first 90 days of my sobriety) are excellent ideas for many of us.

Also, the reality for me- I think for all of us based on what I hear in AA meetings, on here, wherever- is that there are plenty of struggles in sobriety. If this isn't one for you, that's one of the promises coming true, as we say in AA. I'm grateful that my problem has been removed (today) and work to keep it gone. While it's amazing that I haven't craved after the massive habit I had, and might seem "unfair" or "easy," that's my reality and my type of alcoholism. I accept it.

Dealing with what I need NOW is what I focus on- not the future when I might get sick or have surgery or need different daily maintenance meds, even (another side note: I also take lamictal for BPD even though those characteristics are greatly diminished now that I am sober; and I take seroquel for sleep every night).

Keep going and keep being honest with your dr. Good luck!!
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Old 11-23-2016, 07:15 AM
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After 27 years of daily drinking, I had my last drink 30 days ago. I started taking Celexa for anxiety and depression 27 days ago.

In 2013 I quit drinking for 4 months and started Zoloft 2 days after I quit drinking that time. Back then I really didn't have the desire to quit drinking - I only stuck with the Zoloft for a few months and didn't give it a chance. I wanted to go back to drinking so I quit taking it.

This time I really want to quit. Alcohol just wasn't working for me anymore. I used alcohol for 27 years to self medicate. Over the last year alcohol wasn't working anymore. I was feeling the same awful depression and anxiety when drunk or sober (well I was never "sober" just hungover, dehydrated and sick)
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Old 11-23-2016, 07:55 AM
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I'm also taking Trazodone before bed each night to help me sleep. It works like a charm, and I don't feel groggy in the morning. And I've also been on Cipralex long term to help with my anxiety.

I never thought I'd be on a mini-cocktail of medications just to be 'normal'. But on the flip-side, I know I could be much worse off and I'm thankful I don't seem to have any serious medical complications due to alcohol.
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Old 11-23-2016, 08:45 AM
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I personally don't think it matters what you use to get sober as long as you get sober and work on recovery. I still take Trazadone at times to sleep.
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Old 11-23-2016, 12:19 PM
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That's hard. We aren't bad people, we only hurt people because we've been hurt. We can know we don't have to continue the cycle, but more importantly, we have to put the past to rest by figuring out what it all means. It means we did things because we didn't love ourselves, and because we didn't love ourselves, we weren't able to love others. But we don't just start out that way, something had to be done to us to place us on that emotional path. We didn't continue it because we're bad people, we're human, that's what humans do. When we don't know how to process pain, we want to get it off our selves, and try to do that by putting it on another person. That's something human beings do, too.

Now that I have escaped the endless loop of recreating my past pain, I want to do that with love. I believe I can tap in to a better kind of energy and live only in that. And needless to say - the fact is, this is a forum for alcoholics - I spent a very large part of my life, almost all of it thus far, not able to see anything but pain.
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Old 11-23-2016, 01:02 PM
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I want you to know that, even though I've been able to heal quite a bit in a very short amount of time in sobriety, I still have a lot of insecurities.. Today my mom wanted to borrow my car and I stood there trying to figure out if there were any empty containers on the passenger side floor or anywhere in the car. It's been three months since I purchased anything. I still have my triggers. To say I "still" anything at this point is kind of strange because I'm so brand new in recovery.
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Old 11-23-2016, 01:44 PM
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Thanks Brenda, I totally relate to what you're saying. There was a lot of hurt and trauma for me growing up, and I believe it's been with me every step of every day. I have a deep-seated fear of being rejected and/or abandoned, and it plays out in almost every close relationship I've ever had. My maladaptive behaviour was to shut people out of any part of myself that could be seen as a 'negative', and only show them the part of me that I thought was acceptable. And people in my life have been hurt by that, because I didn't *trust* them to share my whole self. It wasn't that I wanted to lie to anyone. I just didn't want them to know the truth, if that makes any bizarre sense.
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Old 11-23-2016, 02:18 PM
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Makes total sense. I felt that way.

I was bullied my whole life.. I remember in high school asking a boy why he hated me and he said because I was breathing. He would follow me and throw things at the back of my head, like ice cubes, and then if I turned around to look, he would swear he wasn't doing anything. I reported some of the behaviors to a teacher once and he got irritated and told me to ignore it and they would go stop doing it. Sometimes they did but others took over.

. Even the bullies couldn't tell me why and the adults felt that I was the problem.


I believe they were reacting to my energy. The kind that screams "There's nothing good here! Don't trust me, don't be kind to me, don't treat me well, because I clearly don't trust me, I am not kind to me, I do not treat me well." We show people what to expect. It's in the way we carry ourselves and connect or don't connect to others.

There are 7 billion people on this earth. That's a number we can't wrap our brains around. I've tried. If I started counting out loud, it would take me upwards of 500,000 years, optimistically. LoL How am I supposed to believe in all these people there's not one that is exactly like me? Could it be we are all the same? Kind of makes you feel a little less scared to connect.. I mean, you are already connected to it. And if you keep your energy on love rather than pain, you attract love, and the pain doesn't come around anymore.
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Old 11-23-2016, 02:30 PM
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And just be patient right now! Nothing is going to happen to you, just because you don't know what happens next. You are safe.
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Old 11-23-2016, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post

I was bullied my whole life.. I remember in high school asking a boy why he hated me and he said because I was breathing. He would follow me and throw things at the back of my head, like ice cubes, and then if I turned around to look, he would swear he wasn't doing anything. I reported some of the behaviors to a teacher once and he got irritated and told me to ignore it and they would go stop doing it. Sometimes they did but others took over.
When I was a kid these 2 older kids in the neighborhood used to pick on me.
One time they were by my house and we heard sirens. The one bully said "the police are coming to get you". I replied "for what?" and he said "for being ugly"

My father helped me build a go cart and the bullies insisted on riding it - they ended up trashing the thing.
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