BrendaChenowyth

Kids can be just terrible human beings! lol It's sad but it's true, they just suck up whatever the adults around them do and say.

It's like that viral video of that kid who kept saying "apparently" in every sentence. Well, apparently he lives with someone that says "apparently" a lot, he didn't know what it means.

SWTPEA61

Good for you shortstop

SWTPEA61

Doug
I was also on that merry go round...i couldn't wait to get home and start drinking it had a maddening hold on me.
Now nothing feels better than being sober.
21 days sober I never want to go back to day 1.

shortstop81

Yes, nothing is worse than Day 1. I'm grateful to be putting more distance between myself and that date.

shortstop81

I checked in with my girlfriend and just asked for some indication that she's ALIVE at least. She responded, but isn't ready to have a conversation with me yet.

Yes, I know, be patient and work on myself. My heart feels broken, and what makes it worse is that it's my own fault.

Dee74

Yeah mine did too - it also wanted everything to be instantly ok with everyone I'd ever let down.

Thanks drinkin thinkin.

I learned the power of patience and the rewards of hard work when I got sober and I'm still thankful for that today.

Give it time shortstop. Start rebuilding your life. Try and move on from the instant gratification we get used to from the bottle and just keep woking on yourself and your recovery...

That way no matter what happens, you'll be ready for it

D

shortstop81

Thanks Dee. Our damn alcoholic brains, eh? Constantly need that fix.

BrendaChenowyth

We relied on immediately gratification for a very long time. Why did we drink if we knew we'd eventually get sick or wake up feeling terrible? Immediate gratification. Unpleasant consequence came later. In a way, we felt in control of something. I'm finding now that most things that are immediately satisfying are in the long run less satisfying.

Sometimes it's great to know there's nothing to be done in this moment.. and the waiting part needn't be so hostile, it is where we should be present and focused on the now. Nothing is happening now, so I don't have to worry about anything right now.

fini

you know how you mentioned the not-struggling-with-urges-feels-like-cheating up above?
i didn't struggle with urges/cravings too much after i quit this time, but the struggles were along the lines you mention in your quote there. struggling with "retraining". new ways of being. sitting with stuff instead of going for quick fix.

August252015

I take seroquel every night. I thought about it the other day and realized that some of the drugs I am on are pretty serious- lots of people wouldn't be able to take them (I, apparently, am a rhino because I can handle such). Since I'm also open about my meds- my total regimen is Campral 3x a day, lamictal, ativan, and seroquel (I also take synthroid but that's a different deal). Right now, it's working for me; I do want to have a discussion next psych visit about my dosage of lamictal. I think as I age, and my body changes etc (I am 40), and for whatever biochemical factors and such come up, I will need to keep on top of what's working. It is ok with me if I take whatever I need, as long as I need it. It all helps my quality of life, mood, sleep, everything, so that in turn only benefits my sobriety.

Keep going!!

KissMyTiara

I for one totally support medical assistance as part of the fight of chronic alcoholism. After 30 years of HEAVY daily drinking I just have not been able to put it down. 15 days ago today I made a doctors appointment and tearfully spilled everything. After determining I could detox safely at home I was prescibed that 120 days antabuse and 90 days of Ativan under supervision. These last two weeks have been a huge exhale and relief. Knowing I cannot drink and the anxiety meds have made everything so bearable. It is not my plan to take this forever (and the Dr will have me taper the ativan to zero ater this) but it give me 4 + months to make an alternative plan with a clear head and some leeway to clear my brain fog. So glad I did this.

tomsteve

working the program of AA is a great way to get rid of that wreckage.
but its not an overnight matter.
time to throw out the arse kikin machine, SS.
yer not a bad person getting good.
yer a sick person getting well.

bad people don't regret their actions

Mountainmanbob

My sponsor says that, "we recover from the wreckage of our past."

It happens for most but, usually very slowly.

Problem is -- alcoholics want it all now.

Stay sober and chip away at them One Day At A Time.

There will be far fewer pot holes the further we get down the sober road.

M-Bob

BrendaChenowyth

It is often absolutely necessary to use medication to get off alcohol! Withdrawal messes with your central nervous system so badly that it can kill you. Smh. Not everyone will experience such intensity of cns symptoms, and we can't always predict that.. If you quit drinking and 48 hours later go have some blood drawn, your labs will show that you're a chronic alcohol abuser, even though ZERO alcohol shows up in your blood! It throws everything off AND diminishes the symptoms of the imbalances, they don't show up until you quit drinking.. You could have seizures. If you're in hospital, you're gonna have nurses checking you out every couple hours to gauge your seizure risk and medicate you accordingly. And people just kind of assume that an alcoholic can just white-knuckle it after quitting cold turkey. I digress.

Berrybean

I know what you mean. I went through a strange where it seemed like everywhere I looked, and everything I heard or smelt or tasted acted as some reminder or another of one painful memory or another.

I don't know if you already looked at the 12-steps of the AA recovery program. If you have you may have noticed that only the first step even mentions alcohol. The other eleven are also, about dealing with that pain - the harms we caused, the fears and resentments that we have hauled around for years and years. For me, and many others, working those steps has been an amazingly freeing experience.


I hope and pray that you decide to give recovery a really good shot and reach out for the help of the fellowship - with 100% willingness - and that you are soon experiencing freedom from the shackles of your fears and ego, as you clear away the wreckage of your past.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB.

shortstop81

Hey BB. Yes, I've returned to my former AA group and am starting back up with my step work. I'm setting aside my personal 'issues' with the program, and am willing to give it a sincere effort. I've realized that it's crucial to surround myself with others who are working on recovery.

So I'm visiting family in Michigan for American Thanksgiving. This is an annual trip, and last year I spent most of the visit drunk. I'm so grateful that I'm sober this time around, and woke up this morning without feeling embarrassed.

I bought some NA beer last night and was pleasantly surprised by the taste. It was odd drinking 'beer' and not having the associated effects on my brain. But it was actually kind of nice. I don't think I'll make a habit of having NA beer around, but for holidays like this I feel pretty safe.

shortstop81

Well, it's really over between my girlfriend and I. We've been here a couple of times before, but this time it's the real deal. There are multiple things that brought us to this point beyond just my relapses, and rationally I know this is for the best.

But emotions have a funny way of disagreeing with logic. I'm angry, resentful, and sad. But the small sliver of silver lining is now I'm free to eventually pursue a healthy relationship that doesn't carry the baggage and uncertainties of this one. One where I no longer have to feel guilt and shame regarding my drinking, because it's part of my past and I've learned from it.

For now - recovery, and cultivating new friendships.

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you all (and me). PJ

August252015

BC- about finding detritus from our drinking....I do not worry about finding bottles though I won't be surprised if I do when I finally move!! I was surprised though, when I recently found one of my Grandmother's crystal glasses with red wine dregs in it. I vaguely remember resorting to use of those by all my regular glasses were dirty (or broken)....I thought about cleaning it then decided instead to leave it as a reminder of what I will never do again, to find whenever I do move. At this point- 9 months- that feels safe and right to me- its memory is of the crazy wrong things I used to do to valuable things (not the least of which was me!).

August252015

Just my $0.02... NA bevs do have alcohol.....not something I would personally mess with for that reason, and many avoid just because of it continuing a habit of "drinking" which can be a slippery slope. Just be careful, esp so early in recovery! Wanting to fit in or keep up some version of my old habits just isn't something I want to try.

And re being angry at ourselves or ruing the past....step 4 in AA (facing my resentments- my wrongs and part in things, in four categories) addressed this. Now I do feel healed- "we do not regret the past nor do we shut the door on it (BB 4th ed)- and when these feelings crop up, use my program tools to put them back in their compartments.