Sober....but completely gutted.
 

So I actually have been sober almost two weeks, and have recently been prescribed Campral which I feel really positive about. I'm attending local AA meetings, and have no current desire or intention to drink.

But my lies and hiding behaviours have come back to bite me in the ass. My current girlfriend has been talking to my ex behind my back, and found out that I have been drinking on and off the past few months. I've been sober throughout my week but tend to drink again on the weekends.

I know it's not the AMOUNT I drank that matters. It's that I hadn't been honest about it. And this is not the first time I've done this and promised to come clean if I'd slipped.

I have no explanations, no excuses. No one to blame but myself. I don't deserve self-pity.

I've now been told that I'm "finally going to get a taste of what it's like to lose someone because of my drinking."

I just feel absolutely like a piece of garbage, because despite my best intentions and multiple attempts, I still somehow end up back in the bottle. And I'm going to continue to lose everyone around me because of it. It's just a cycle that keeps repeating and repeating.....

I don't want to go back to drinking. I felt good about my recent decisions. But now I feel empty.

Honesty is the start to recovery. Have you tried attending any support groups like AA or an extensive outpatient program? Both of those have helped me fill the lonely, empty feeling inside me. Remember you are not alone.

Yes, I've down outpatient, inpatient, independent counselling, group counselling, AA, etc.

This will be my first time coupling AA with some anti-craving medication.

I've never tried campral but I really hope it helps you.

Are you able to reach out to someone from the aa meetings you attend to share how you're feeling?
I absolutely love SR and the support it provides, but I've realised that face to face support is really valuable and helpful to me.
You can get through this.

Hi shortstop :)

I'm really glad you're back and working at your recovery.

As for the relationship situation - we tend to get found out on lies, and I dunno about you but lying was pretty much my default position as a drinker.

If there's any comfort in this it's that the decks are cleared - no more secrets right?

I hope you can work it out with your gf.

D

So you have the tools. Perhaps now you have the reason to commit fully to staying sober. No outs, no lying, 100% effort to beating this thing.

It's gonna take awhile for people to trust you again. Its part of recovery. Hang in there.

Where are you at with the steps? If you are like me the meetings won't fix it. I had to join the action.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I just came back from a meeting - it's a group that I used to belong to, so there were many familiar faces and I was able to catch up with some people. I feel a bit better, knowing that I'm on the right track.

I have so many misgivings about AA (the program, not the people), but at this point it's the only realistic support system near at hand. I plan to find a sponsor fairly soon, but I want to make sure it's a good fit this time.

Focusing on myself and my recovery will at least get my mind off the relationships I've royally screwed up.

The tools and people are there at my disposal. I have a University degree and a full rolodex in this topic. But sincerely applying them has always been my main issue.

I have problems with AA too, but better to reach out to whatever is available until you find what suits. You will be around people who have a desire to stop drinking, which can only help. Depends on the meeting too.

The good thing about the AA is that it provides a good level of support.

The downside of it is that by its own admission it has never cured anyone.

A statement from someone who says 'Hi, my name is xxxx, and I'm an alcoholic - I haven't had a drink in 25 years' doesn't make sense. How can someone who has not had a drink in 25 years, and has absolutely no intention of ever having another drink, possibly be an alcoholic (i.e., addicted to alcohol). All traces of alcohol would have left the system after about ten days, so therefore no physical craving can possibly remain. The issue about drinking alcohol is then all in the mind.

I would argue that after a period of time whereby a person feels confident that they won't have another alcoholic drink ever again is the point where they are cured and simply become non-drinkers, and not 'recovering alcoholics', a particular term that I dislike, because no-one seems able to determine when the alcoholic has 'recovered'.

My opinion only, but please feel free to flame me ��

No one is going to flame you for your opinion Solly ( flaming is against the rules thankfully ;-) , but you yourself just wrote in another post that you were sober for almost 2 years and then relapsed to alcoholic drinking at that time. Do you not think that perhaps there is something inherent to your nature that caused this to happen? Whether or not you use the term "alcoholic", I feel that personally there is something unchangeable/uncurable about me that will always exist and because of it I can never drink even one drink, no matter how long I stay sober for. I have proven that to myself many times over and the same seems to hold true for the majority of folks who come here to SR.

I just lost a bunch of people who were like a second family to me because my drinking impaired me so much that I caused problems in a 29 year marriage... This has come to light at 90 days of sobriety for me and I still will not drink.

Well yes I did Scott, and perhaps relapse was the wrong word to use, but I initially gave up the drink in 2012 to see if I felt any better for it. And I did.

Th main thrust of my post was regarding the term alcoholic, a term that is unhelpful. Nobody, not even the AA, can tell you if you are an alcoholic or not. They simply define a position that if you conform to it, you 'may' be an alcoholic. Now if the world's leading expert can't tell you, then who can?

While you drink alcohol, then you are simply a 'drinker'. Should you stop, then you become a 'non-drinker'. Yes, I do believe that some people have a predilection to drink, and certainly lots of people have a problem with drink. And, of course, it is a poison which affects behaviour and health, and which your body tries to rid itself as soon as possible. But labelling people as alcoholics or recovering alcoholics is not helpful. And,according to AA, nobody ever recovers. Doesn't give people much hope does it?

I really don't, think we should depart from sortstop's train of thought.
But, I'll take the bait, Solly.

Sounds like someone is trying to be controversial.
Whatever the intention, you need to check your 'facts'.

"WE, OF Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book." ~Alcoholics Anonymous, forward to the First Edition

Maybe you should start a discussion about the merits of AA and the terms: 'alcoholic' and 'recovered' elsewhere?

Or not.
Whatever.

Labeling others is not what we are about here on SR, regardless of their recovery method. And I think we are probably getting away from the OP's focus here. We also have a rule here about arguments regarding the validity of any particular recovery method. There are many of them and they work with varying degrees of success. The OP is attempting to use AA as it's a viable local option and our goal here is to support those in their quest for sobriety, no matter how they choose to get there.

No intention of diverting Shortstops train of thought Scott, nor denigrating AAs efforts, which are beyond admirable and have helped millions. Just my thoughts on labelling.

But if you're quoting 'facts', then the following quote is from one of their official booklets:

'If you repeatedly drink more than you intend or want to, or if you get into trouble when you drink, you may be an alcoholic. Only you can decide. No one in AA will tell you whether you are or not. '

Sorry, Scott.
I couldn't help myself.

Shortstop81,
I lied about my drinking, and other things, to my spouse for many years.
I only tried to be honest when she said she was leaving.
I had tried, on my own, to quit drinking several times.
I didn't know about SR at the time.

But, I did know about AA.
It was only through working the AA programme with a sponsor that I was able to quit drinking for good and all.

Hopefully, your recent relationship problems will be the final impetus for you to sincerely apply the tools available to you.
I hope and pray that you have found, or will soon find, a solution to your troubles.

Mind how you go.
All the best,
~dox.

Apologies Scott. Previous post intended as a reply to dox.

I had no intention of labelling anyone Scott, and everyone's recovery process must suit their individual needs. I am merely pointing out that labelling, and particularly the label of 'alcoholic' is unhelpful, and as such may actually hinder recovery.