My worst moments in a while...
 

I want to cry and throw up.. I don't want to drink but I want to erase my mind right now.. I don't want to know what I know..

My drinking caused a situation that can't be fixed, but by me moving on from it.. and I will.. I work tomorrow and can't just leave people hanging, I have to go.. and maybe I won't have to see the man at all..

The married man, the alcoholic that I was obsessed with and was hitting on over the past year... Nothing ever happened but he knew I wanted him.. and his wife knew too... and his wife was accusing him of having an affair... and his wife was very unstable... and last Easter Sunday she tried to kill herself... and I just found out it was because she suspected he was having an affair... with me....

This is just the worst feeling... I know they had problems in their marriage with or without me but I just feel like I potentially destroyed a family because my AV locked sights on and dug it's claws in to yet another stand-in for my father and wouldn't let up...

He never said anything to me, he just began to be very careful about the way he spoke to me.. he was standoffish, usually civil, sometimes a jerk.. he did flirt back once or twice over the summer.. and over the summer was when he openly admitted that he was now drinking all the time, including at work..

I don't think he blames me, I think I irritate him, but I don't think he blames me.. He has been trying in subtle ways to push me away.. nevermind that it means no one is there to take care of his aunt.. But when it happened, the incident on Easter, he blamed his wife's crazy conglomeration of pain killers and other drugs.. He didn't blame me.. But I'm sort of blaming me.

I know those feelings of regret Brenda, and shame. I don't have words of wisdom because I haven't been in this kind of situation. But the good thing about mistakes is we can learn from them. We also get to make amends to those we have harmed, when the time is right.

Try to show yourself some compassion.

Thoughts and prayers, Brenda.

Almost all of this is pure speculation Brenda. And it's going to tear you apart from within if you can't move on from it. I really think you need to get yourself out of the situation too, there is too much baggage for you to even do your job properly if you look at it on face value.

It's speculation in the sense his wife only had suspicions.. they were grounded suspicions, because there was impropriety..

And I stepped in it, too, because I went to call someone about it.. his one cousin.. called her, chickened out, hung up.. she got worried I maybe wasn't going to show up for work tomorrow.. I am going to.. I just got caught up in such anxiety about something I didn't know what to do to alleviate it.. So I came here..

BC- I know this is a huge quagmire for you and I am sorry for your pain. Big picture wise, I concur with Scott....in the immediate sense, I have to use the Send Myself To Bed technique when my head is spinning and I am overstimulated emotionally. I hope you can get some rest - tonight.

I understand how you feel I had done very inappropriate and bad things while drunk or hangover. I actually only experience two states in my life for a long time crazy insane drinking behaviors and intense remorse and self loathing while hangover.

I agree that a lot of this is mostly speculation because you didn't have an affair and suicidal thoughts bear on unstable minds than on the rupture of a marriage(I think)

Now I believe you need to move on and forgive yourself and show some kindness towards you because if not this will get you drinking. From experience the more I loath myself because of past behaviors the more I drink. Best of luck and hugs 🤗

Your comments help.. I am slowly but surely coming down.. I am definitely not spinning as badly as I was two hours ago, or an hour ago.. Wow, really? I left work three hours ago and my head has been spinning over the situation the whole time?

Part of my brain wants to justify staying because I need the hours, the money, and because it's unfair for his aunt to lose another good caregiver. Part of me wants to ask him if this is all true..

This really sucks, but don't take it out on yourself. Someone who tries to kill themselves is not well and no one person can cause him or her to do this. That said, I can totally understand how it would make you feel guilty or bad. Don't take it out on yourself, just take it as a learning experience. Hugs.

Ah... in simpler times, the wives just called me a ***** and we all moved on... Those were the good old days...

Edit: I'm a grown up grown-up now.. my big girl actions have big girl consequences..

Maybe God thought I needed to learn this....

Am I reading this correctly? You had a crush on someone you work with and you flirted with him. And his wife thought you two had an affair and tried to kill herself? Is that it?

That's right, and you are a sober grown-up too. Which means that you can take steps to move forward and put this situation behind you. Staying sober and putting yourself in a safe place to do so ( both mentally and physically ) should be your #1 priority.

Every single one of us did things we wish we wouldn't have when we were actively drinking, some of us did very bad things. We need to remember who we were to keep things in perspective, but dwelling/obsessing only hurts us.

amends do wonders for the soul.
but even before that, the 4th step does wonders on teaching why we were who we were.

You know, one of the things I get backwards too often is how much influence I really have, both for good or for bad.

Maybe your "crush" did have an affair with someone...other than you. Maybe this poor woman had a thousand problems that had nothing to do with him or you. Maybe she has a mental or physical illness that cause her chronic pain. Point is, there could be a hundred reasons that have nothing to do with you and that aren't your business, anyway.

You flirted with a married man. Yep, done that and not proud of it. Knock it off, because that's the part you have control over. Their drama is theirs.

Thing is, you can reason it away a million different ways.

However the one factor you had/ have control over in the whole situation is your own behavior.

I do feel we are all responsible for each other. I don't think it is good to act in ways that would harm another person and this woman's mental issues aside- yes, maybe you did contribute to things. And maybe not. Your actions were not "positive".

Either way, you should probably focus on being the kind of person you want to be and not the one that has cause for bad feelings, guilt and self torment.

This is not helpful...

Up until today I took care of an elderly lady in her home... and yes, I had a crush on her nephew, and figured it was one sided and all the drama was in my head... until yesterday. Someone spilled the beans that everyone else was trying to hide from me! The wife had suspicions about me the ENTIRE year that I worked there and I was the very last person to find out for sure.. everyone knew.. I knew that he committed her twice because she was "acting crazy and saying things that didn't make sense", his words.. Never knew what those things were.. they were accusations about him and me, and there was nothing to admit to, because nothing had happened, and he couldn't figure out what was wrong with her and so he assumed it was med interactions.. She had reasons to think what she thought, a few of my behaviors made her suspicious.. and so she flipped out and got committed.. Not my fault she was crazy to begin with, but my fault for giving a crazy woman the hairy eyeball cause I dug her husband..

I did tell the company I couldn't work there anymore, I am OUT OUT.

Who doesn't bring something like that up??? Half a dozen people or more knew about the affair accusations, they could have ended everything a lot earlier by just coming out and asking me.. I don't get it. Why let me be there across the street from that? I could have been killed.