waynetheking

I can't give you much advice bc, but one thing is for sure. You can't drink over this situation. Not worth it. Just don't drink. Time will heal this. Hang in there girl.

BrendaChenowyth

It has peeped its little head up a couple times: "Hi, I can help you handle this!" Meh. Nope.

waynetheking

Exactly. The AV wants you to believe that. That's the insanity and illusion of alcoholism. The longer you stay sober, the easier it will be to see right thru this..

soberlicious

Well, I tried to commit suicide, so from someone who has been there...the point you need to be at to take the actual action of trying to kill yourself is not usually due to one factor, but rather a culmination of many many moments of despair and the inability to cope in any way. I cannot speak for everyone who has tried to die at their own hand, but I do know that for me and many others, an actual psychotic break occurred. That's how one is able to get that action because reality is out the window.

While an alleged incident involving you could have possibly have been the proverbial straw the broke the camel's back, you are not responsible for the action she took. If that had never happened with you crushing on her husband, the next overwhelming event would have been the one that pushed her over. I hope I'm making sense here.

Let go of the ways you acted that you wish you hadn't, and move forward. In the words of one of the most beautiful women who ever lived, 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.' --Maya Angelou

OddOneIn

I am sorry . I did not know you were working in their home. I thought it was an office situation where crushes and flirting are pretty common. They are usually harmless and go nowhere.

Regardless, no one is responsible for another person's choice to end their life.

BrendaChenowyth

Thanks, I needed to hear that. And it is true... because I have made attempts before, it was certainly not one person involved.. medication was involved in my case, and it was probably in hers.. she was on oxycotin and fentanyl, and a lot of steroids for different things.. If she took too many or mixed it with alcohol.. and that's what he was suspecting had happened. He blamed himself for not watching her well enough.

I wasn't in THEIR home, to clarify, I was in my client's home and this was the nephew and niece that lived right across the street.

Other family members knew about the accusations and the craziness, and I feel like I should have been informed, so that I could have had a choice whether I wanted to continue to be involved or not.. They didn't want their aunt to be without her favorite caregiver, especially after two others quit due to the drama.. The one girl was pulled in to it, apparently the wife would come over and ask her "Do you know if something is going on with my husband and that girl?" and so even the other caregivers knew.. and looking back I got a lot of sympathetic looks.. everyone was trying to shield me from this.. yet, I feel I played in to it because I did flirt with him and when I did see his wife I was somewhat cold to her.. I did play a role..

It's in the past now, I'm out of the situation... I did get a voicemail this morning from one of the other cousins thanking me for everything I've done for her aunt, all my help, and wishing me luck in school.. I may keep in touch with my client and a couple of the family but I won't work there.

entropy1964

I have to ask, why keep in touch? This sounds like a hugely enmeshed cluster. I get that you feel an attachment but is that in your, or anyone else's, best interest? You have extricated yourself. Maybe its best to move on?

BrendaChenowyth

Not with the family, with the elderly lady I took care of for a year. I'm not cold, she is also very fond of me and in the past when I've taken "time off" she has been sad to miss me.. It's all very sad, and truth be told, it's just words, I know I won't visit her because it would be a bad idea.. I'll miss her.

BrendaChenowyth

The executive vice president of the company is now investigating the situation, not just the staffing manager at the branch of the agency I work for.. Trying to find out why I was never told about the danger potential.. It's become clear that people knew and did not report these things and the company is upset.

He and I never had an affair, there was a flirtation in the beginning that fizzled out.. I never knew what a big deal it was, I had suspicions but thought it was in my head.. No, it wasn't. I went to work every day with a woman across the street that had mental health issues and substance abuse issues who thought I was screwing her husband of 29 years.. And people knew and never said anything... I trusted these people like family and they were good to me, nice to my face.. and all this...

And I blame myself but I can't.. and if this had happened earlier I would have relapsed, but here at 90 days I am strong. I will not hurt myself just because other people have hurt me. I can handle it now.. I just need to look for the lessons.. I know now to be more professional, to set clear boundaries, and to speak up when I feel like I need to speak up.. I will walk away from situations that have too much drama in them before it gets too far gone... I will walk away at the first sign of substance abuse and crazy-making behavior. I will not become untrusting and refuse to let anyone it, but I also will not allow the wrong kinds of people to get too close.. for their sake and for mine..

ScottFromWI

That is some very solid and mature sounding logic Brenda. Keep thinking like that, the rest of it doesn't matter so much.

BrendaChenowyth

You're right. That situation could have played out with any other person in the role I sat in.. that family just has a lot of problems. I'm out of it now..

ScottFromWI

That's not exactly what I meant, but you are right - you are out of it now and that's a good thing. And you can only control what happens today and moving forward. Keep doing that and you'll go far!

BrendaChenowyth

I should have put a break between You're Right, and my unrelated thoughts.

BrendaChenowyth

My head still feels like it's going to explode.. I keep looking back at everything that's happened.. I was pushing his buttons, but if he hadn't had buttons to push, I couldn't have pushed them.. There was an ongoing flirtation... I wish I had stayed professional... I wish he would have been his wife's best friend at 29 years, and that he would have spoken up or confided in his wife when he knew I had a crush, I wish she would have trusted him and respected him enough to just approach me and ask me what was up.. I wish he had respected her enough not to immediately cross the street to come to me when she accused him of messing around with me.. I wish I'd respected other human beings enough not to flirt with a married man that I knew had an unstable marriage... I wish I'd respected myself more... I wish I had been sober...I wish I knew what to do with my feelings other than talk here and talk to trusted friends and keep moving on.. exercise, keep busy (when I feel like moving), try to do things I enjoy.. I'm just so depressed today nothing seems enjoyable.. But I am grateful that I am sober and not interested in going back.. I just wish I could make sense of the past year's events.. Why didn't he try harder to push me out???

biminiblue

Until and unless you accept that what's done is done, you'll continue to spin.


God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

BrendaChenowyth

Okay granted, and I know.. but I think we all know that the prayer? Sometimes it's just a string of words.

entropy1964

Nope that prayer is pretty much a basic design for living. If I'm honest most of my struggles are when I'm, in some way, not focusing on what I have control over. The drama, chaos, bs that I've had in my life? Aside from the childhood abuse and neglect, I've pretty much created the rest. I love chaos. And drama. It gave me 'something' to obsess about. Its all fun and games until its not.

biminiblue

The thing about structured prayer is that it is orderly words that are specifically structured in a poetic or comfortable verse that when used create a diversion that is both comforting and serves to distract toward something that will lead to healing. Positive orderly thoughts lead to mental health.

I have many memorized, not just that one - but that one is by far the best and fits every situation. If I don't stay in the present, and if I don't stay in the part of it that I can control (i.e. my actions and reactions) then I am trying to control the uncontrollable. What's done is done. I cannot change the past. I can learn from it, I can change how I look at it, but the bell cannot be unrung.

The Serenity Prayer fits every problem.

BrendaChenowyth

I understand the prayer and what it does, and it has worked wonders in my life, I used to say it before getting out of my car at work and I felt protected.. But right now, I'm grieving and a lot of things are falling short. Time is going to be the only thing that helps.

I need peace more than I need the answers... maybe I'll actually get up and go to church tomorrow

BrendaChenowyth

My mother seems annoyed that I'm down today... It affects her day, unfortunately. Boo. Hoo. She doesn't ask if I'm okay, she assumed I'm just depressed, and because she coped with the abuse initially years ago by getting on medication, and because she has had a successful experience with the meds over the years, and has only found the depression to come back when she's gone off them, she assumed that a person who is experiencing depression is wallowing in self-pity and being too lazy or too stubborn to get help for themselves. I think that she takes pride in what she has accomplished and maintained and I'm not saying she shouldn't.. But meds haven't worked for me, nor has any substance or any effort to stuff feelings or numb them.

Yes, depression is chemical, and meds could help.. and I did just take some St. John's.. but this depression is situational. I need to sit with this and let this work itself out. I can feel my feelings and learn from them and know that they can't hurt me. I know what she doesn't: My substance abuse stemmed from a lifetime of being made to feel like certain things shouldn't be talked about and that emotions were weakness and that not medicating everything was giving up.

I'm stronger than what is going on in my mind right now, but I just need some time.. as much as I wish others could understand that, ultimately, their acceptance of my feelings wouldn't allow me to accept anything.

PS the faith in medicine stems from her career as a psychiatric nurse!