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Old 11-05-2016, 09:02 AM
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How are you feeling today, BrendaC; lean on us at anytime; we are here for you.
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Old 11-05-2016, 09:06 AM
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I'm feeling pretty good. Weather is beautiful, always perks me up.
It is night time that my securities creep up, and I'm going to make a plan to abate that.
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Old 11-05-2016, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I'm feeling pretty good. Weather is beautiful, always perks me up.
It is night time that my securities creep up, and I'm going to make a plan to abate that.
Worries, in general, seem worse to me in the middle of the night.
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Old 11-05-2016, 10:39 AM
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What about using recovery speaker recordings in the evening?
Gratitude lists could be done at that time perhaps.
Bubble baths are good - apparently many of us find water soothing as it's womb-like.
Also, it might be worth monitoring the HALT triggers just in case there is a tendency for any of those (Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired ) to be creeping in and making you more prone to getting restless, irritable and discontent.
For me, fresh bed sheets, my electric blanket on for a while before I snuggle in, and a good book all make an early night extra nice. Might even have some hot chocolate tonight as well.
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Old 11-05-2016, 10:51 AM
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Insecurities, I meant to say in my last post... lol security guards go out for a smoke break.

Good ideas, Bean! I can use the time to read (when I return to school, it will be study time to a large degree), watch tv and movies, play my favorite Fb game... There are things I can actually wait to do til pre-bedtime, instead of using them as time fillers during the day.

I think a good idea is to do self-discovery work in the morning when I feel best, fill the day with a variety of things that bolster confidence and improve my future, and then at night unplug and relax. I think that is what many people do anyway, sort of intuitively, but when you live for so long under the veil, you have to consciously establish new routines. I'll also need to recognize when a break is needed, for like meditation/prayer and quick journal entries. But to keep them short and meaningful, so I don't lose momentum in my day.
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Old 11-05-2016, 10:55 AM
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Sounds like a plan. I love reading. Mostly been reading non fiction as I have a lot of research to do at the moment but I reckon it's going to be a good story tonight.
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Old 11-05-2016, 11:08 AM
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Old 11-05-2016, 11:12 AM
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Decided yesterday to pick up the next Women's Murder Club novel by James Patterson.. I lost interest four years ago.. and I know I read 12, unsure about 13, so I bought 14.. 15 is out, 16 should be soon. They're quick page turners. Good pre-bedtime read!
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Old 11-05-2016, 11:30 AM
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I love the Alison Bruce detective / murder mysteries. Have read them all now. I wish she'd hurry up and write some more.
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Old 11-06-2016, 11:33 AM
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Today I am feeling very secure and content and *basically pretty much normal* in my new world... Being friends with Mom is a new normal. The absence of stress when there is no actual stress is a new normal!

It has come to my attention that as far the job situation I have been talking about here... Boy, it would have been so much different had I entered in to it today. And I can actually visualize myself going back and doing it over again, and things would have been simpler, personal interactions would have been less complicated, boundaries would have been maintained because I would have had the ability to stick up for myself... Because I had no sense of self I became only what they wanted me to be. I stayed in a case that interfered with my school schedule and my personal life depending on the day, because I wanted the money but also because I had this imaginary relationship with this man that.. looking back now was wholly inappropriate. I found my father in him.. and now that I no longer project my feelings on to him, I look at him and see a stranger. Wild.

There's a place near my home where I would really like to apply to work, the pay is better, benefits are great, hours will work for me, and it is in walking distance (albeit up a gigantic hill I'll never actually walk). It is a no-brainer. If I do get it, I will stay on with the agency I work for, but finally drop out of the case that I've been wanting out of, and be able to tell them "I accepted another job". I do not think there is any chance of salvaging the situation, I made it what it was, and it's been a year, it is what it is.
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Old 11-06-2016, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
No, no... I am not good. I am scared. LoL

I'll adjust, I guess.
But I just want to know if anyone else knows what the hell I'm talking about.
Wasn't it scary to see situations clearly yet not know who the other players are, what their roles are, and how you fit in, because the only way you ever knew how to process other people was in terms of what they could do for you.. because the addictive in you does that?

I'm not feeling like I've made sense..
I think I understand what you are saying.

For me....several things here. One, I have to keep getting better at not ascribing intent to people. My first sponsor hammered this home early and my current one keeps it real with me on this one - we just never know someone's intent. We have to see what the actions are. With my boyfriend, the closest person in the world to me, I do operate with the assumption he is acting in a caring way, with best interests for US, because that is how he behaves; that doesn't mean he doesn't upset me occasionally. And our roles as partners in all ways are defined, yet growing and evolving because this is my Big Relationship. With my mother, it is tougher and way more complicated, as another example and she is maddeningly supportive then critical - I have to keep learning to let her fears, insecurities, alcoholism and everything about what's in her head be...just that. And this is further complicated because we have to have a different relationship - one with adult parent/adult child boundaries that are healthy, which was very much not the case for the past 8 or so years. That change is hard and yes, if not scary then unsettling at times.

The addict version of what people can do for us and manipulation- I was a master. With the people important to me, I have had to proactively set some very clear boundaries- and then follow through. Most of this relates to finances and time/help with my mom, for example; I know I could manipulate her to get most anything I want. I don't do that anymore. I also have certain boundaries with my boyfriend about how I have to rebuild my life and he can have an increasingly supportive role (which we both want) which includes money, but he cannot and I will not let him rescue me.

And frankly.....like I say often around here, I just don't keep people in my life that aren't positive contributors to their own lives and therefore great to have the privilege of having in mine....and this includes anyone with whom I would have to question my role/relationship/importance, etc, or anyone where the sole dynamic was one of "addict" behavior. So certain exes, for example, who were enabling and whom I took advantage of, simply aren't in my life.

I'm not sure if all that helps- perhaps my bottom line I'm trying to get across is that we get to choose who we keep in our lives. 99% of the time this is the case, even when we sometimes think it's not (ie a work situation that's tough, like yours), and we truly need to just focus on what our good, healthy approach to maintaining relationships with anyone and everyone is NOW.

Hang in there, BC.
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Old 11-06-2016, 12:57 PM
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Lovely to hear / read you so positive BC. Sounds like you've turned a corner. That is truly wonderful. X
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Old 11-06-2016, 04:57 PM
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August... What are you doing inside my brain?
I slapped the desk more than once while reading that.. I think that means what you're saying resonates on a soul level for me. LoL

Back to serious.. I remember taking enormous pleasure in the fact that I could work people, including my mother, who I now understand to be a codependent, which makes me understand all of her relationships and all of her actions, like, ever. And this is where the forgiveness comes in, and why for the longest time I had so much resistance to doing that. Even going back to my father: although he and I will never have a relationship, ever again, I can forgive now, not because I think what he did was permissible, but because I understand that lost and hurting people hurt other people. They don't know what to do with the pain they hold inside. And the reason I know this is because I am one who did just that. If I could forgive myself, I can forgive others.

I also connect to what you're saying about only allowing people in to your life who are positive contributors. Everyone you come across does contribute something, or take something, but if it's not helping you get to where you want to be (spiritual/emotional wise) you don't have to feel obligated to them in any way other than objectively right or wrong kinds of things.. By that I mean, if a person actually needs you and nobody else can fulfill that need.

I found that in leaving behind my old toxic patterns, I initially crossed over to the opposite extremes in some cases.. I went from absolute intolerance to the idea of a Higher Power to being something of a fundamentalist. This is now adjusting to a more even middle ground. That's just one example. I also have to be careful not to be closed off just for the sake of not letting others take advantage. I can relax because the way I treat others, and myself, will attract the kind of person I want in my life.
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Old 11-07-2016, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by OddOneIn View Post
Waking up after essentially being in an alcoholic coma for however many years is both exciting and frightening.

It's like "Wow I made it all this way!" and then "Now what?". You don't really have to learn to walk again but you are using muscles that have atrophied.

Just take as long as you need.
Very well put, Odd.

Alcohol produced a major psychic change in me.

A part of recovery is reversing that change and supplementing my knowledge with life skills I never previously knew about.
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Old 11-07-2016, 05:44 PM
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Suddenly I am this confident, loud, unapologetic woman who states her needs and opinions and isn't afraid if other people notice her, but rather enjoys connecting with everyone who is receptive (read: happy)...

In reading about Codependency, I have come to know more about both myself and other women, particularly those that I have dealt closely with in a professional setting over the past year.
In particular one woman I know who rubs a lot of people the wrong way.. those people all have a negative, self-loathing, codependent spirit in common. She's just a person who loves herself despite all her flaws. Insecure folks can't process this, they get resentful that someone no better and no worse than them "thinks they're all that and a bag of chips" as my mother used to say. She used to encourage me to act that way, to fake it until I make it. Today I need fake nothing. There is a small part of my brain that delights in the idea that other women will envy the way I carry myself, men will be attracted to it.. it's just human nature.. as is the fact insecure people will feel more insecure around people who are secure but seem to have no reason to be. They will label me as someone who needs to be the center of attention. The confident women I know get labeled as such, too. There is a good reason they are the center of attention. Anyone ever stop to realize they are the ones paying attention?


In my work life right now.. I am faced with options.. options that will keep me in a position of lower power and options that will give me the upper hand.. and still other options that give a big middle finger to people who took advantage of me.. This is one of those times where in the past I would act impulsively, but now I feel like I need to gather more information first.
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Old 11-07-2016, 05:53 PM
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I think I have a tendency to bounce between extremes, as I did with religion, when I brought that back in to my life. I need my faith but I need to find a balance for myself between fundamentalist and wishy-washy Christian.
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Old 11-07-2016, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
.... There is a small part of my brain that delights in the idea that other women will envy the way I carry myself, men will be attracted to it.. it's just human nature.. .They will label me as someone who needs to be the center of attention....

Human nature maybe, but much like resentments being a luxury that we recovering alcoholics can ill afford, thinking in a codie way (judging ourselves or basing our actions on the way we are judged by others now or might be in the future) is also a dubious luxury. Why? Well at the moment it's all very positive because you're on the stage of the see-saw that has them looking at you with envy or desire. As you've already pointed out though, we're likely to spend equal time battling the tendency to be at the other end of the see-saw, thinking and worrying about what negative things they're thinking. The way to find that middle ground for me is to not allow myself to spend time on those thoughts when they come up, just like thoughts about drinking a cool beer, or how unfair it was that x did y to me when I was 14 years old. I play the tape forward to where those thoughts are likely to take me and make the choice to let these thoughts just drift on by. Of course, we do have those thoughts coming into our head, along with loads of other junk, but we don't need to give them importance, either by velcroing ourselves to them, or castigated ourselves for them.

I remind myself every morning, and throughout the day, that it isn't between me and any of those people who I may have power over or them over me... it's between me and my HP. (I use a litany for humility and the Do It Anyway Prayer for this in the morning, and keep those in mind throughout the day, returning to them as needed ). That keeps me in the middle ground, and gives me the strength I need to lean forward into any fears I might have about doing the 'right' thing.

A monk said something that resonated with me a week or so ago... "All saints have a past, and all Christians have a future." And it's true. As long as we remember who it's for, and whose opinion is important in this.

You're doing so well BC. Keep it up xx
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Old 11-08-2016, 04:07 AM
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Brenda, religion is a creation of man. Talk to God and take your direction there.
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Old 11-08-2016, 05:54 AM
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BerryBean... I know... I feel like for the first time in my life my self-view is positive.... and I have an ego but it isn't one that defends a broken person and keeps me in a low place anymore, and that's a good thing.

I do strive for balance. I keep swinging beyond the point where I'm trying to land. I get that this is a learning curve though and I don't get frustrated, I keep myself in check. These days I get frustrated at all the little physical health complaints I have, which I won't get in to... but I now respect myself enough to proactively take steps to fix them.

My back was hurting so bad yesterday and the day before! My hips, too. I gotta get some serious weight off. Regardless of being the heaviest I have ever been and being unhappy with this body, inside, I am the happiest I have ever been. I like everything about who I am on the inside, so I take care of the outside.

Last edited by BrendaChenowyth; 11-08-2016 at 05:57 AM. Reason: I'm not that big, I'm only 188
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Old 11-08-2016, 05:55 AM
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I just have to make sure the choices I make with work going forward are based on what I want and need, and not on what others need.
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