GroundhogDay

Reading a novel is the best way to temporarily forget my troubles I have found. Reading a novel also helps with emotional maturity. You see the positive and negative ways that the characters behave and react and learn from it. Makes me wonder why I ever chose drinking over reading in the past.

BrendaChenowyth

I have been completely overthinking the situation for the past two months..

I think I am harder on myself now because since getting sober I know right from wrong, I have morals. I never cared before. I have a hard time reconciling my feelings after doing something I knew full well was wrong. I was sober almost 100 days, I wasn't supposed to be acting this way anymore, I had gotten better.

gleefan

One of the miracles of sobriety for me is to be able to hit the reset button when my behavior veers in a toxic direction. When I recognize I'm on the wrong path I can stop.

BrendaChenowyth

What is the deal? Am I supposed to be making some kind of amends or am I just cursed to be followed around by the memory of my failure and humiliation?

One particular person keeps showing up.

ScottFromWI

You aren't "supposed" to be doing anything unless you decide that you want to take positive action to address your addicition and/or other issues. Other than spending a lot of time here what are you actually doing to seek help for your emotional issues?

BrendaChenowyth

Scott, I don't know. I just think it's strange that one person keeps showing up in my life without my trying to reach out to them. That's all.

BrendaChenowyth

How do you get over humiliation when everywhere you go, there that person is.. is sort of my question here.. Yes, I am sure there is a lot of other things I can do, but right now, like always, I am venting here.

ScottFromWI

That has nothing to do with your recovery to be honest. Life happens around us and we can only control what we do. If you are still referring to the same married man you've been obsessed with, consider that you might actually be inviting him in rather than him just "showing up".

ScottFromWI

Venting can be helpful but it won't solve the probem. And the problem is not other people.

BrendaChenowyth

No, it isn't the married man. Running in to someone at church is not inviting someone in. I'm sorry, I will stop posting here, if that's what you want.

ScottFromWI

No one is suggesting you stop posting here, definitely not me. What I ( and others ) are suggesting is that you aren't addressing your true problems. And you've been given a wealth of suggestions of how you might go about that. We are all here to help each other, not to enable bad habits to continue.

BrendaChenowyth

Perspective and opinions of others helps me to figure out social/emotional stuff that I find awkward and hard to navigate. But you're right, I don't think it has anything to do with recovery anymore. It is probably time to move on from here.

gleefan

By forgiving yourself! You deserve forgiveness! ((Hugs))

BrendaChenowyth

I fought hard against going to church this morning though. I was planning to go to a different church and then thought "meh.. not feeling it". So I didn't even write down the directions to it. This morning I wanted to sleep in. I wanted to stay in and have a cup of coffee and read til 10 and then leave for work..but I didn't, I left the house at 9.. then I thought I'd go to work early.. I didn't want to go to that church again, but I thought, I was going to have to drive past it anyway, and I couldn't shake this feeling that I would miss something I needed to hear. And the homily was about humility. And then the nursing instructor who failed me last summer walked past me at the moment when I was sitting on my grumpy butt instead of kneeling and praying like everyone else.. granted she was walking out with her toddler so she wasn't either.. It's almost like God wanted me to have that experience.. I wasn't even going to GO this morning! I think I did need to be reminded that humbling experiences are a part of being human, and I need to be able to pick myself up and move on, I can't keep crumbling in on myself and shrinking away from the world because these things are going to happen!

Gilmer

Pray for the woman.

If apology and amends are the proper thing in this case, prayer will bring about the grace, humility, and opportunity to speak to her with calm and inner peace.

BrendaChenowyth

I hate that I hold grudges against people who have seen the worst sides of me, as if they were responsible somehow, as if they pulled it out of me, no they were just unlucky enough to be there when the worst in me came out.. I know it's all about shame and I need to work on accepting myself, past mistakes and all.. I can think of most of my past drunken mistakes with detachment and have compassion for myself.. it's only two instances of things I did in 2016 that still bother me.. perspective and time.. keep moving forward.. try not to dwell.

SORRY, everyone, I know I talk too much, it's what I do!

Gilmer

That's perfectly fine!

90% of all of my posts in the last 4 years have been my running journal; by recounting my situations to my friends on SR, I was also clearing them up in my own mind.

I've always been too self-conscious and self-censoring to be a good private journaler--but knowing that the people on SR are here for the express purpose of mutual edification, it allowed me to really open up and get perspective.

So keep up the stream of consciousness! It does a world of good!

BrendaChenowyth

Thank you for saying so.

Gilmer

You are quite welcome!

PhoenixJ

BC- you do not talk too much or type too fast or think wrong or anything. I was a nurse then taught it for many years. When a student- I was told to apologise to the student group for failing. I got drunk. The only thing I can change in life is myself. Life is what we make ourselves to be. I have a list of coincidences that have happened to me in the last year that god certainly had nothing to do with. Why would god (whatever that means) screw with my tiny existence with a whole universe to run? I am actually not that special- no more than any one else. Do not 'move on' from here. Post/share- learn. It is a safe place to explore. No one judges here- why would they? Not a big conspiracy to get us.
Prayers.