trachemys

Maybe you should not have left.

Not blaming or shaming.

If you have enough of a problem to get here, maybe you should stay here for a while.

Abigmess

Thanks dude this is real helpful

trachemys

I hope you mean that. I mean what I said.

MattM316

I don't agree.

After a while, reading the stories from other people with alcohol issues can get draining, repetitive and boring.
Each to their own tho. It's what helps the individual and what they think will help them.

Dee74

Is there a Curmudgeons Convention in town?
geez fellas...

No one could beat me up more than I beat myself up.


I think a kind word, some experience sharing, and some constructive help and support can, and does, do wonders

D

mfanch

It takes what it takes, I suppose. I needed to go out and be beaten down some more before I was ready to take full responsibility and be teachable.

:-)

Notimetoloose

I am so grateful they make it back, a lot of people don't....
I wasn't happy drinking and I kept trying and I don't know how many times I relapsed.
I am so grateful to be sober and when I would relapse and be drinking I would be scared I wouldn't make it back.

Spacegoat

Agree. Been struggling to make time for this board myself recently.

August252015

Wow- and here I was hoping that this thread said something like....

"Good on you for coming back, and admitting what happened. That takes courage and not everyone does it. It feels crappy and you feel more guilt, shame and regret- but you are sober NOW and you get another chance. Not everyone does - do you want this to be your last one? It can be. So, what is your plan today? ....."

And so on - and listening. LISTENING. I had a chance to do just this when a program friend called me last week because she'd gone back out. It was my first time in this situation- I am just past 8 mo sober- and I hope I shared my ESH, giving only small specific advice ("I have to go to work now, but there's a noon meeting you could go to. Or I can go with you later, or just get some coffee? I will call you after work.")...and letting her know that, unlike what her friend from rehab said - a glib "It's ok!!!! Everyone does it"- isn't true. It isn't ok, but it's done, so what now?

I know what reaction I'd find most helpful. I don't think relapse is necessary- I'm one of those who never tried to quit til I actually quit, one time, 249 days ago- but I do know it happens. Clearly, no alcoholic should go back out, and there can be a time, place, and individual audience to say what you so bluntly opened with, and that is part of "knowing intuitively how to handle things that used to baffle us" [in dealing with others] (paraphrasing BB, 4th ed).

Bottom line- saying "no judgment, [BUT]..." doesn't get at this:

"If I'm not the problem, what's the solution?"

entropy1964

I think its the 'way' this has been said (well, the previous post). I know when I share from my own experience the message is less, um, advice-y and judgmental.

I have gone out a few times while here. I always, always, think 'why didn't I post BEFORE I drank?' etc. By the time I'm drinking, I'm beyond posting. So yeah, posting regularly helps. But SR, for me, is not a recovery program. Its a forum. It helps for sure. Love it here. But I need a F2F program of recovery as well. That's just me. I would say if anyone is reading this who has gone out multiple times, you might need more than SR too.

As far as reading getting boring or draining, I try to remember that this forum is about the newcomer (as are AA meetings). I'm glad that posters with more time are here to greet us because without them this forum wouldn't survive.

Gottalife

I agree with Trachemys, but I also agree with MattM. I think it is a miracle to survive another round with the booze. So many don't. But I think if you have a problem and are looking for real solution, then just hearing about the problem will be boring and repetative.

However there are posts and posters here who do offer solutions, so it is just a matter of selcting what to read. It is interesting to note that posts with negative titles seem to get a lot more views that many with a positive title.

Personally, I find the "I'm back"folks a little frustratiing when they won't face their issue or change their approach (because I have seen it so many times before), but not all are like that. Many learn from their experience and begin to make real progress. I am here to help if I can, and it gives me a great deal of pleasure when an "I'm back" latches onto a real solution, and starts to get some joy in their life.

August252015

To echo Gottalife- I sometimes find the returners frustrating, too. And sometimes I just stop reading a thread (always a choice). Other times, I comment.

What I DO try to remember- and sometimes I have to catch myself up when I am getting into the muck and starting to sound just like the OP and be judgmental - is to take it back to me. Why is this post or story bothering ME so much? What is my issue here? Am I trying to control someone by remote? What is the "person, place, thing or situation" that is disturbing me that this caused?

I gotta do me, and you gotta do you. I need IRL support too, and this is also just a forum for me. I wish every alcoholic in the world could have the life I have now. I can't create it for him or her. My emotional investment has to be detach-with-love, whether here or anywhere else - and try to communicate that in the best, most helpful way possible. That means in different ways, in different times and situations.

I just wrote in my planner today, where I make notes, to think of "Is it truthful, is it necessary, is it kind?" in my actions today. Don't know why that popped into my head, but it's appropriate to this topic, don't you think?

Ken33xx

There it is.

KAD

I came and left numerous times since joining SR. In the past, usually I left either because I was drinking again, or because I felt I had found whatever justification I was looking for to start. I probably annoyed people and tried their patience, too, but the important part is I did finally "get it." It took quite a lot of falling on my face before I did, but it takes what it takes. It is a process and, unfortunately, not everyone makes it. We just have to be patient and offer as much help and support as we can along the way.

U75

It seems like there have been a lot of "I'm back" threads lately, and sometimes my instinctual response is the same as Trach's. But I always try to remind myself of the complex and very powerful emotions that are at play when there's a relapse. Personally, if I started drinking again, I don't know if I'd have the courage to keep posting here, due to the feelings of shame and resentment and a hundred other emotions, all of which are further confused by excessive alcohol. I can easily see myself dropping off the board, and only coming back when I'm ready to quit again. I applaud those who keep posting even during their relapse. That takes a lot of guts.

Would it be better if people kept posting and looking for support during a relapse? Of course. Do I understand why people don't post during a relapse? Absolutely. In the end, I choose to look at the "I'm back" threads as a cause for celebration for that person, rather than a chance to say "you shoulda never left."

Mountainmanbob

Well, for the ones that are back -- count your blessings.
For, I have known many who never returned and their stories worsened.
M-Bob

Maudcat

This is a tough one. I understand everyone who has posted's point. (That does not seem grammatically correct, but there it is). I enjoy several of the forums on this site. (Hello, Whiners. Thanks for the recent welcome.) I recognize that SR is not a program. it is, to me, a valuable support source on a few levels. As an ACOA, as someone with an active alcoholic sib, and as a person who struggled with alcohol dependency, now non drinking. ( I hesitate to say "in recovery" because I am not following a specific program now. Other than Al-Anon). Yes, sometimes the volume of posters who went out and are now back can be hard to read. But there are also the successes. Two days, one month, two years, twenty years. Anyone who has struggled with alcohol or watched a loved one struggle knows how very hard it is to stay sober. I try to post with thought, compassion, and humor when it's appropriate. I confess that I don't always get when humor is or isn't appropriate. Character flaw. Peace, All.

ScottFromWI

I personally find those who are struggling - whether it be while they are here, or those who "leave and come back" to be a very integral part of recovery for me. Not only does it remind me of why I came here in the first place but it's helpful to me to try and help them. I was also one who came and left. And I "came and left" my attempts at sobriety many times before I came here too.

If I made a list of all the things I "should have" done in my life i'd never stop writing. I feel it's much more important to concentrate on what I can do today.

MattM316

I don't understand why people find the returners 'frustrating' considering the vast majority of people with an alcohol problem relapse and groups like AA have an incredibly low success rate (between 5 and 10%).

So surely it's expected that people return at least a couple of times?
Not really sure why people would find it frustrating when it's more or less inevitable. It almost sounds like people are getting 'fed up' of people who relapse, which really isn't helpful to anyone.

Maudcat

Hear that, Steve. I'm stealing it, with permission of course.