Gilmer

Morning is here. I'm definitely a morning person. I no longer want to hurl myself off a cliff!

Hope you all are also well, especially you, Cow--or at least less agonized.

SnoozyQ

Hi cow, after suffering relapse ( again ) I tried to find something to give me a chuckle . I remembered Moo thread. So get your funny on xx

Gilmer

You know full well that we are all wild about your sense of humor. It has always come out to bring both you and us joy even in your bleakest of times (I still can't get over "flooring tiles"! ).

But in all seriousness, please never feel that your only value to us is as a tap dancer! You can come as you are. We love you for you, not just for bread and circuses.

awuh1

I must confess that I tend to shy away from your threads Cow. I think that's because when I've tried to offer a different perspective in the past you have seemed to reject it out of hand. This has lead me to believe that offering a different way of looking at things was a waste of time, and perhaps even a source of aggravation for you. I ventured into this thread (not reading it all but) trying to get a flavor for it. Your post (# 61) made an impression on me.

It's dripping with a nihilism that I believe contributes to a desire to drinking and/or use for many. Consider the idea that you may not be completely correct in your world view. Sometimes what seems to be common sense is not. We're talking about the nature of reality. I'm not trying to get you to adopt any set of beliefs about reality. I'm just trying to have you consider the idea that all your beliefs may not be beyond question.

I'm just going to leave you with two generally accepted scientific facts. They seem to be at odds with our common sense notions about the world. I point them out only to illustrate how wrong common sense can be. If common sense can be so wrong, perhaps assumptions about the randomness of everything (to which you referred) might also be incorrect. Just a thought.

Fact one. Time (and space) had a beginning.

Fact two. Light, from its own point of view, exists outside of space and time.

There is so much in physics which points to a reality which begs to differ with our common sense ideas. Holding onto conclusions, based on these common sense ideas, seems a bit silly and often illogical in light of the facts. I bring this up only because you seem to be stuck, and it seems to be hurting you.

I sincerely hope that I have not been a source of aggravation. All the best to you.

awuh1

Sorry, that post #73 which I meant to refer to cow.

Cow

Dear awuh1, it take lot more than you gentle assertings to aggravate me. ...I mean, on most days, cuz, you know, on some day, just spilling blob of toothpaste on my nightshirt PUSH ME OVER MY LIMITS!

Is a lot of labels that maybe surrounding me: cynic, realist, nihilist, naturalist. They all begs the question: What is real? But thing is, puny human brain can no answer this question! It only capable of even perceiving 2 billionths of known available energies in universe (let alone the unknowns), so I must accept that human (and cows) can really say very little about universe at all.

In which case, anything possible. Acutal of late, I think about it less and less, because I realize it not realistically fathomable. And let face it, I can barely does the daily Jumble.

I hope I not rude to you before. I had now and then get lot of grief on SR (and in life) for being atheist, so maybe I got into defensive stance. But I welcome you and alternative discourses.

trachemys

Cow, you left objectivist off the list.

It takes a lot to accept that A is A. Perception is not reality. Looking at life as a realist/objectivist is like staring into the pit.

FBL

I still have my smart ass, cynical side, but it's not nearly as bad as when I was drinking. I find that a positive attitude and compassion goes a LONG way, not just towards others, but to myself as well. I used to beat myself up for no good reason and all it got me was more and more depressed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to be a happy Cow

soberlicious

Yeah, but at least you were brushing your teeth. I've had days when even that was insurmountable. The blob of toothpaste on the nightshirt can be looked at in two ways, it all depends on which way I choose to see it.

Cow

It like Schrodinger famous experiment, in one reality the blob is positive outcome, and in other reality, the kittycat is dead!

FBL, thank you. To be happy is my only dream in life. I maybe had some dark self talk moments, but from very early on, I knew I was afflicted and my struggles was coping mechanisms. So I not too much beat self up, even though others may have wish too.

Is very hard to face reality, Trach. Especial when you not really can pin it down. I does think "god" and "everything happen for reason" and "when door is slam in you face air pressure blow out a window" kind of things is also coping mechanisms, and good ones too, cuz people get LOT of comfort from these. Frankly, if I could waive magic wand, I would give self those, cuz they seem to ease painful parts of reality for people. Most I can do is, as I say, believe anything possible, which include Cow to be happy some day.

How is you guys going today?

awuh1

No Cow you were not rude to me before. I was just offering a different perspective.

I agree that the ultimate nature of reality seems quite unfathomable. That leaves a good deal of choice in how we fill in the blanks. I think that there is one thing about which there is not much doubt however, and that is that you have allot of people here who care about moo.

Cow

It does awuh, and it also create weird self-awareness that we know we filling in our own blanks whether they real or not. This kind of paralyzing for me right now. Since I been denatured since very young age and an addict entire adult life, is like, I got lot of blanks. I tabula rasa. Like wake up from the coma and have to start color in empty outline of my life.

I try to think, well, maybe see this as exciting, get you 64 color crayola box and get to work. But in truth, it feel over-whelming. I focus on staying sober and try to find relief from depression right now, so my crayola box is maybe little bit heavy of the Burnt Siennas and Malaise Grays. But I trying hard to find Cadet Blue and the Periwinkle.

Thank you for you kind words.

puffy

At least the blob of toothpaste is on your nightshirt and not on your work shirt as your speeding out the door. Then you think a quick wipe of water will wisk it away only to find that it didn't. And emerges when you get to work as a white splooge front and center for everyone to see. I love those moments.

trachemys

I want you to be happy one day and will do anything I can to make that happen . Tell me what to do.

You know I love you.

silentrun

Hi Cow. Since you asked I am outta my mind right now. I keep getting my crap together and then screw up almost as if I like getting my butt kicked or something. This last time I made it 40 days off the smokes with not so much as a puff. I feel off due to 5 days of extreme anger (I thought it would help...damn menopause)I am on day 2 again and have a headache and can't think straight. My throat and lungs burn. What the hell am I thinking that I keep doing this to myself?

I will catch back up with you later when I can string a sentence together. I think we largely create our own realities. Might as well make it good. As above so below, as within so without.

Hugs Cow.

Cow

SRun I understands. Feel free to express you free-floating rage here. You can cuss up Cow. I love the salty language. And us moody-ass menopausal bitches has to stick together! As for "Why does you keep doing this to you self???!!!" OMG!!!! It is such big mystery!!!!" ... ... or, could it be, you just desperate for relief, at any cost, like most rest of us.

Turtle, nobody break my heart like you. We maybe has to accept that I has major depressive disorder, dysphoric bi-polar, and let no forget, my oldest friend, anhedonia. All untreatable due to seizure disorder. So, squirrels in my head maybe never find they nut. Or, they will find it, but be too depress to eat it, or, they hallucinate that it the devil, or, they eat the nut, then find out they allergic and dies horrible death!

Like I say, I trying to shift self from no longer flailing about looking for that treatment or diet or lifestyle change or supplement or x,y,z that gonna bring me my happiness. I trying to come to peace and acceptance with where I at, which will help me stay sober where I at. Then if I does get to feeling better, it be a bonus.

Can you just maybe hold my hand, right here, and we both sit with what is, but hope for best. Like we all just conversate about ...anything possible. And I wish nothing but good thing for you too, ya big sweet lug. Now I got to go as I has some things in my eye.

Croutie

Hi Cow,
It is good to see you back.
I have checked in regularly to see if you are posting. I am sorry you are having a tough time.
I'm dealing ok with the wine issue, but this time of year is very depressing to me. It has been two years since I lost my Son, and I thought I was doing better, but that has changed in the last few days.
I don't "get" life and fate, so much hurt and pain. What's the point? What's the grand scheme? Someone please explain it to me.
I am pulling for you Cow.
Croutie

Cow

Oh dear Croutie Hello my friend.

If I may, I not think life necessary has MEANING outside of what each consciousness subscribe to it (and even then, that will be gone someday.) I more align with Joseph Campbell who say: Is not "the meaning OF life," it "the meaning IS life." In other word, life is, as you say, a grander scheme than you or I can fathom. Maybe we take comfort in this, however, downside is: life not care about YOU. You maybe ant that make it across street or you maybe ant that get step on. Life go on. Now this not meant to be nihilistic, it meant to say, oh, life is bigger, bigger than you and you is not me, the things that I will go through.... oh no wait, that is REM song. But you get what I mean?

This maybe not coming out too well. At end of day, I not think you can take life too personally. Universe not target you for crap life experience. Is just some has better luck, or make wiser choices, or get better DNA, or is nurtured better, or educated more productively, or endless whatevers. It not personal, yet, it feel TOTAL personal. ... ... How one balance this, well, you has to ask Dalai Lama.

awuh1

Someone did ask the Dalai Lama. True story of the Dalai Lama on a ski trip.

"A young waitress with tangled, dirty-blond hair and a beaded headband began clearing our table. She stopped to listen to the conversation and finally sat down, abandoning her work. After a while, when there was a pause, she spoke to the Dalai Lama. “You didn’t like your cookie?”

“Not hungry, thank you.”

“Can I, um, ask a question?”
“Please.”

She spoke with complete seriousness. “What is the meaning of life?”

In my entire week with the Dalai Lama, every conceivable question had been asked—except this one. People had been afraid to ask the one—the really big—question. There was a brief, stunned silence at the table.

The Dalai Lama answered immediately. “The meaning of life is happiness.” He raised his finger, leaning forward, focusing on her as if she were the only person in the world. “Hard question is not, ‘What is meaning of life?’ That is easy question to answer! No, hard question is what make happiness. Money? Big house? Accomplishment? Friends? Or …” He paused. “Compassion and good heart? This is question all human beings must try to answer: What make true happiness?” He gave this last question a peculiar emphasis and then fell silent, gazing at her with a smile.

“Thank you,” she said, “thank you.” She got up and finished stacking the dirty dishes and cups, and took them away."

BrendaChenowyth

For me.. and I can only speak for me.. unwillingness to find the merit in what others are saying, to me, to try to help me, is addictive thinking. IS the problem. I wouldn't have stopped drinking had I not considered alcohol the crux of all my problems, I had to do that, I had to make it the villain with no redeemable qualities.. then I had to figure out what my life was made of if not alcohol-fueled nonsense. For weeks my thinking didn't change. Physical symptoms fell away and depression and anxiety gradually let up and then I had to face my fear of LIFE without all the numbness and denial. I had to dig up all sorts of painful stuff to figure myself out and now I feel like I have to figure this world out. If I'm going to make sense of the aftermath of my addiction, something that prevented me from seeing anything outside my own self-centered, addictive thinking, then I am probably going to need the help of others, who have already spent some time in it. Their thoughts, opinions, knowledge and experience are going to help shape my new world view? If that makes sense? I'm rambling like a mo-fo... Post edited for swears.