zjw

some of you mgiht remember my thread about my wife telling my dads wife i went to AA and such due to the fact that her son just got a dui and perhaps her son could talk to me adn head to AA with me or something.

ANYHOW

he came by the other day. for the first time since the incident. he finally out with it tells me he got a DUI jokeingly and blows it off as he's not too worried about it etc.. But just prior to him doing that I noticed some nervous body language and well he like purposely stayed back in the house rather then went out chasing after my kids liek he normally would and I had a feeling he was about to out with this right before he did.

That being said he never mentioned going to AA. he said something about how they might make him do some classes or something but its not like aa. I was like yeah well AA they will wanna know for sure you went and such cause I know at AA they have people pass around the sheet for the courts and all. I was saying this to kinda soften things in case he was gonna follow up and ask to go to AA with me or something. He didnt so I also didnt offer it.

I dunno did i miss the opportunity here did he miss the oportunity or am i simply just over thinking it.

I keep thinking I shoulda been like hey if you wanna go to AA with me you can rararara but I never really directly said that so I duno.

At the same time I feel like its up to him to seek the help up to him to talk to me or whomever. Tho I knwo how it can be a difficult thing to bring up and maybe if i woulda nudged him a bit? I dunno.

ScottFromWI

It is up to him to seek help. If he asks, by all means share with him what you know. But as you also know, you can't "nudge" someone to go to a meeting or rehab - they need to want to do it. You did your best and that's all you can do, right?

biminiblue

I agree, let him find his own way. He got himself into this, and I don't think a lot of good comes from being in AA meetings with family - unless there is already some good recovery going on. It's a private thing, like you know.

zjw

yeah one other thing too is i honestly have no idea if he's an alcholic or not . All i know is it sounds like he sure likes to have a good time with whatever substance he can. I dunno if that alone makes someone an addict or not only he can really know that in his specific case.

I geuss wone thing that urked me was he kinda brushed it off made it out like it was no big deal. he doesnt drive or have a car now who care about a DUI. i'm like well you'll care when you decide too and yoru insurnace rates are high or if you take a job where driving is a requirement and you cant get the job now. Or if you get ANOTHER DUI....

I think he was just playing it off as no big deal tho to sound cool etc.. I think he realizes its a pretty big deal. He's just not gonna say that to me.

BrendaChenowyth

Trying to follow... so he came by, thinking you might have heard about the DUI and so he brought it up, just to get a feel for how upset you might be or whether you might look at him different? That's what I sense.. I think maybe the family work together and just keep an eye on him. This is for his sake. I think it's just a situation to watch and then talk about it IF there's anything to talk, and if more than one of you has noticed things you find indicative of problem drinking, you go from there.

sleepie

It's good of you to be concerned, it will be up to him in the end.

I have a couple friends I wish I could also nudge.

biminiblue

Of course he's playing it off to sound cool. That's page 3 in the alcohol abuser's book, isn't it?

Thing is, that's what we do. Huge ego, inferiority complex. You aren't going to be able to fix it or lecture him or anything.

I know you try to keep your own alcoholism under wraps with your family, (even though they know) but the only way to help him is to share your own experience - what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. For You. Lecturing him isn't going to work.

Lol, you of all people I'm sure understand that.

zjw

yeah good point!. I'm fairly sure he already new i new and already new i go to AA. I"m pretty sure his mom told him alll of that and the nerviousness prior to him saying something about ti to me and waiting for no one else to be in the room says osmething I dunno what.

i'm probably overthinking the whole thing. But also dont want to have missed out helping him like maybe i should abeen more direct or something but I dunno held back and someitmes in situations like this being direct isnt a strong attribute of mine.

zjw

yeah i have one friend i'd desperately love to nudge he reminds me so much of myself when i was in my darkest times but what can i do? he just doesnt seem ready.

zjw

yeah i had a chuckle with your post about him blowing it off lol. I woulda done the same thing. I"d be wetting myself but play it off like blah i got this and opened another beer.

zjw

also bimini thats part of my gripe. I dont feel i should have lectured him i feel like maybe just maybe i missed an opportunity to open up a little and maybe help him. But i'm not so sure about that is all.

I have mentioned to him here and there that i had to quit cause it was just getting so bad etc... But i never went into much depth.

BrendaChenowyth

I think you might have had the right intuition.. don't push yet. Be a good example of sober living and stay approachable.. I have a feeling if the time comes he needs someone, it might be you.

sleepie

He knows you go zjw, that's well enough open for him. The ball is in his court.

ScottFromWI

Yep, classic denial. He's also young and feels invincible most likely. I was guilty of both myself at his age I'm sure. I got a DUI when I had just turned 21 and I'm pretty sure I went to a bar the next night to discuss it.

biminiblue

There are a lot of layers here, though.

Your relationship with your dad and your extended family. Your discomfort in talking about yourself.

You don't go to AA regularly, do you? If you do, why not invite him to come with you? If you don't, just wait for him to bring it up. I think it would be hard to "push" a program unless I was 100% behind that program. Just me. I wouldn't make an offer to take someone to a meeting without them asking first. I went to a few, but since it isn't my thing I wouldn't offer to take anyone. I would go with someone. I would tell them I had gone to meetings and that there might be something for them there - but I certainly would not initiate that conversation because I'm not an AAer.

I didn't have a problem with my family knowing about my drinking/not drinking. I had separated from any angst about my family's opinions long ago. That may or may not be playing into this with you.

zjw

good points bimini. yeah i dont go regularly so could i keep up a regular routine for his sake? I dunno and I dont think i'd ever promise something like that. I'd gladly go tho howeever many times if it helps him there to have some moral support and such. I know i was pretty dang nervous that first time i went.

yeah and its true i dunno to what level i wanna divulge all my dirt to him either lol. tho I dunno that part might not be so bad but yeah it coudl likely end up being family gossip i'd rather it not be.

biminiblue

Well, I've never told my family about my "dirt." I never would do that. Holy crap, they would have passed out from the shock.

Doesn't AA say, [paraphrased] "We disclosed our stories in a general way..."

I think you can talk about what happens when you drink without the details. I mean, the inability to drink like regular people. One or two a couple times a week. How that doesn't work for you, etc. How one becomes 12. How it's more about the escaping or the buzz than for the social part. How it overtakes everything. How it would have continued to wreak havoc. How you tried to cut back (if you did.)

biminiblue

...and I don't think he would ever admit to needing "moral support."

Jus' sayin'.

tomsteve

whenever I feel like I may have missed an opportunity to help someone
I missed the opportunity to help someone.
and I can make excuses and rationalize why I didn't reach out.

there were quite a few times in my life I wanted to reach out but was too afraid to reach out. would it have helped if someone read me and saw I was trying and they reached out?
hard saying.