breathalyzer question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
breathalyzer question
I have not been drinking for a few months now and at least twice a week my wife will come home at night and accuse me of sneaking liquor because i have the "crazy look" in my eyes. She stays horribly mad at me for a few days and the spiral is slowly getting worse and worse. I used to sneak it at night and she would come home to a weird stumbling me. I would always lie and say i didn't have any. I have not been drinking and i have no way to prove to her that i have not been drinking since i have broken her trust too many times and words mean nothing.
I would like to buy a decent breathalyzer and keep it in the house so that if she suspects i drank... i can put her mind to ease. I am not buying it so that i can breath in it and say "seeee!!!! i told you!!!". Do you think the idea would offend her? I could see if she was the alcoholic and i wanted to buy one to police her, but i am doing it so that i show that i am not lying.. so we can begin rebuilding trust.
Any advice is welcomed. Thx
I would like to buy a decent breathalyzer and keep it in the house so that if she suspects i drank... i can put her mind to ease. I am not buying it so that i can breath in it and say "seeee!!!! i told you!!!". Do you think the idea would offend her? I could see if she was the alcoholic and i wanted to buy one to police her, but i am doing it so that i show that i am not lying.. so we can begin rebuilding trust.
Any advice is welcomed. Thx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Why not buy one.
If it will put her at ease which will put you at ease -- good idea -- right.
I remember when I sobered up my wife had her eye on me for a while.
Honestly, I couldn't blame her.
But, in a marriage we should not waste too much time before putting it all behind us.
Note -- if we flip the circuit breaker too many times there may be no reset.
Mountainmanbob
If it will put her at ease which will put you at ease -- good idea -- right.
I remember when I sobered up my wife had her eye on me for a while.
Honestly, I couldn't blame her.
But, in a marriage we should not waste too much time before putting it all behind us.
Note -- if we flip the circuit breaker too many times there may be no reset.
Mountainmanbob
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Why not ask her what she thinks about it? Being open and honest about it will help build trust too.
My family, and my wife especially, was subject to my lies about my drinking for many years. It's not surprising that some people harbor doubt or resentments for a while.
My family, and my wife especially, was subject to my lies about my drinking for many years. It's not surprising that some people harbor doubt or resentments for a while.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Why don't you ask her if that would be something that would ease her mind, and explain that you really want to regain her trust.
I think that would be the best plan, instead of just springing it on her. I know I would feel weird if my husband just showed up with one. Maybe tell her she can pick it out if she wants to. That way she'll know you aren't scamming her.
Sorry. That would be what I would think as the wife.
I think that would be the best plan, instead of just springing it on her. I know I would feel weird if my husband just showed up with one. Maybe tell her she can pick it out if she wants to. That way she'll know you aren't scamming her.
Sorry. That would be what I would think as the wife.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Dahalk 
She looked at me, smugly grinned, and nodded her head.
You may take a little joy in the fact of knowing that you will blow a 0.
Is there a reward system for being a good boy ?
A few ideas come to mind.
That was just a joke folks.
M-Bob
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
It could go either way and mostly depends upon your motivation, and her developing trust. I can tell you it did not go well for me, personally. My motivation was in the right place at first, but all I was doing at the time was just staying sober. I wasn't really doing anything to deal with why I kept going back to the booze. I soon came to resent her and that breathalyzer, like we had more of a parent/child relationship or, worse, a cop/criminal relationship.
Inevitably, I drank again. I first started by trying to get all my drinking done during work hours (this could only make sense to an alcoholic) and sober up before I went home. Problem was, even if I felt sober, the alcohol was still in my system. For whatever reason, she never checked me when I had been drinking, only when I had not. The other problem with this plan of action was that I went through withdrawal every day! Then I learned that when the battery in the breathalyzer was weak, it would appear to be working, but always read 0.
Long story cut short, we eventually split up because she found my hidden bottle again. I bashed the breathalyzer to bits with a hammer. It may go much better for you. It wasn't a bad plan, per se, it just didn't work out so well in my case.
Inevitably, I drank again. I first started by trying to get all my drinking done during work hours (this could only make sense to an alcoholic) and sober up before I went home. Problem was, even if I felt sober, the alcohol was still in my system. For whatever reason, she never checked me when I had been drinking, only when I had not. The other problem with this plan of action was that I went through withdrawal every day! Then I learned that when the battery in the breathalyzer was weak, it would appear to be working, but always read 0.
Long story cut short, we eventually split up because she found my hidden bottle again. I bashed the breathalyzer to bits with a hammer. It may go much better for you. It wasn't a bad plan, per se, it just didn't work out so well in my case.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I think it could be a useful thing as it's clear her trust is broken with you. Showing to her you are being honest and not drinking should help gets thing back into the healing phase to show you are finally done with they lying and drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
trust is the first thing lost when drinking and the last thing gained back when sober.
I honestly didn't have any problem with people not trusting me. they had absolutely no reason to, which was due to years of living with my lies.
I earned that trust back through my actions and how long that took wasn't up to me.
I could have blown daily and yet there would have been no trust. if I was still acting the way I did when I was drinking, no one would believe anything.
I honestly didn't have any problem with people not trusting me. they had absolutely no reason to, which was due to years of living with my lies.
I earned that trust back through my actions and how long that took wasn't up to me.
I could have blown daily and yet there would have been no trust. if I was still acting the way I did when I was drinking, no one would believe anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 16
Yea the trust is what i have been working at. My wife and I had a convo the other night about it. Her words "We have absolutely 0 intimacy in our relationship now and that is a huge problem. I do not want to touch you or kiss you. Where do we go from here with 3 kids?".
I know its obviously my fault because i caused the problem, but i am trying hard. I hold her hand when i can, give her massages, spoon her in bed, am always there to listen, empathize, and care. Most of the time that kinda stuff is met with a corpse feeling on the other end. Its hard to try to be intimate with a person that doesn't want to try back. If i am trying and she does not trust me enough to try.. i just dont know where to go with it. I know the farther we go like this.. the farther we grow apart.
Ok i know this is WAYYYY TMI... but i mean... the other day she humored me (at least i think she did) and let me "have it". It has never happened to me in my life before the other day... but i couldn't even get it up for her : ( I do not want to "have" somebody who is ONLY trying to satisfy my southern end. I was more humiliated then i have ever been in my life. She said a few days ago also that she has no intimate feelings at all, so i can't image she is doing anything else but trying to "satisfy" my inner man. She said that if she did not want it then she would not have done it. I believe her because she has never lied to me, but it just seems kinda off. That is what prompted the convo (later that night) i just mentioned above.
Sorry for derailing my topic : ).... I didn't want to start a separate thread.
I know its obviously my fault because i caused the problem, but i am trying hard. I hold her hand when i can, give her massages, spoon her in bed, am always there to listen, empathize, and care. Most of the time that kinda stuff is met with a corpse feeling on the other end. Its hard to try to be intimate with a person that doesn't want to try back. If i am trying and she does not trust me enough to try.. i just dont know where to go with it. I know the farther we go like this.. the farther we grow apart.
Ok i know this is WAYYYY TMI... but i mean... the other day she humored me (at least i think she did) and let me "have it". It has never happened to me in my life before the other day... but i couldn't even get it up for her : ( I do not want to "have" somebody who is ONLY trying to satisfy my southern end. I was more humiliated then i have ever been in my life. She said a few days ago also that she has no intimate feelings at all, so i can't image she is doing anything else but trying to "satisfy" my inner man. She said that if she did not want it then she would not have done it. I believe her because she has never lied to me, but it just seems kinda off. That is what prompted the convo (later that night) i just mentioned above.
Sorry for derailing my topic : ).... I didn't want to start a separate thread.
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It's going to take time Dahalk. I am about 4 years sober and honestly my wife still has some trust issues with me. Not nearly as bad as it was when I was drinking, but quite honestly it's not realistic to assume that things will just go back to "the way they were". That doesn't mean you cannot ever have a good relationship again, you absolutely can. But it's going to take time - and a lot of work on your part. The MOST important thing is being honest and open. The physical part of the relationship is only a small part of what being intimate is about. Most of us didn't provide that when we were drinking either...so it takes time. You'll hear that over and over, but it's literally true...it just takes time - maybe even years. But keep doing the things you are doing and be open, honest and true to your committment to stay sober first and foremost.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sure, no problem getting a breathalyser if you're both happy with it.
The thing I picked up from the initial post was the fact that she's seeing a crazy look in your eyes. I had that as well. The crazy look. My OH never accused me of drinking because of it, but it sure did encourage him to keep a distance and walk on eggshells. Not good for any relationship and building back of trust and closeness.
When my eyes had a crazy look, I also felt like I was going a little crazy. Once I started my recovery work and got some relief I realised I hadn't been going a 'little' crazy. I was going 'lot' crazy. A bit like once a toothache has gone , we realise how much it really bugged us and impacted on so much. Once the restlessness, irritability and discontentment had lifted it was like the world looked completely different. Like someone had switched me from living in a little old black and white TV to a modern colour 55" Ultra HD LED TV.
Thing is, for the alcoholic it's not just the alcoholic drinking we have to deal with, it's the alcoholic THINKING as well. Your wife might be seeing that alcoholic 'crazy' thinking when she looks in your eyes.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
The thing I picked up from the initial post was the fact that she's seeing a crazy look in your eyes. I had that as well. The crazy look. My OH never accused me of drinking because of it, but it sure did encourage him to keep a distance and walk on eggshells. Not good for any relationship and building back of trust and closeness.
When my eyes had a crazy look, I also felt like I was going a little crazy. Once I started my recovery work and got some relief I realised I hadn't been going a 'little' crazy. I was going 'lot' crazy. A bit like once a toothache has gone , we realise how much it really bugged us and impacted on so much. Once the restlessness, irritability and discontentment had lifted it was like the world looked completely different. Like someone had switched me from living in a little old black and white TV to a modern colour 55" Ultra HD LED TV.
Thing is, for the alcoholic it's not just the alcoholic drinking we have to deal with, it's the alcoholic THINKING as well. Your wife might be seeing that alcoholic 'crazy' thinking when she looks in your eyes.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I have to echo what tomsteve said.
Alcoholism is a family disease. Everyone is sick. All involved need to take action to recover and that means disengaging and focusing on what is in the mirror. Drug/alcohol testing did not help my situation. (I always found a workaround). Both of us doing the work of recovery is what helped.
:-)
Alcoholism is a family disease. Everyone is sick. All involved need to take action to recover and that means disengaging and focusing on what is in the mirror. Drug/alcohol testing did not help my situation. (I always found a workaround). Both of us doing the work of recovery is what helped.
:-)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by GetMeOut
It could go either way and mostly depends upon your motivation, and her developing trust. I can tell you it did not go well for me, personally. My motivation was in the right place at first, but all I was doing at the time was just staying sober. I wasn't really doing anything to deal with why I kept going back to the booze. I soon came to resent her and that breathalyzer, like we had more of a parent/child relationship or, worse, a cop/criminal relationship.
Inevitably, I drank again. I first started by trying to get all my drinking done during work hours (this could only make sense to an alcoholic) and sober up before I went home. Problem was, even if I felt sober, the alcohol was still in my system. For whatever reason, she never checked me when I had been drinking, only when I had not. The other problem with this plan of action was that I went through withdrawal every day! Then I learned that when the battery in the breathalyzer was weak, it would appear to be working, but always read 0.
Long story cut short, we eventually split up because she found my hidden bottle again. I bashed the breathalyzer to bits with a hammer. It may go much better for you. It wasn't a bad plan, per se, it just didn't work out so well in my case.
Inevitably, I drank again. I first started by trying to get all my drinking done during work hours (this could only make sense to an alcoholic) and sober up before I went home. Problem was, even if I felt sober, the alcohol was still in my system. For whatever reason, she never checked me when I had been drinking, only when I had not. The other problem with this plan of action was that I went through withdrawal every day! Then I learned that when the battery in the breathalyzer was weak, it would appear to be working, but always read 0.
Long story cut short, we eventually split up because she found my hidden bottle again. I bashed the breathalyzer to bits with a hammer. It may go much better for you. It wasn't a bad plan, per se, it just didn't work out so well in my case.
Some have said and taken this development to be positive with your wife. Perhaps.
I'd offer the opinion that it can create and encourage and ultimately foster a power struggle. It did with me, when I lived with my parents and they got one to test me. I played ALL kinds of games and even learned to guage how much time I needed and water I should drink, after drinking alcohol, to beat the test. I did that successfully most of the time.
It was a horrible, and counterproductive situation. Mainly because I too, didn't want to stop drinking. If you sincerely do, and this an honest decision between the two of you, perhaps it will be a good thing.
This gets to things like trust- and respect- and, truthfully, communication vs building resentment and fostering blame and suspicion. Intent- on both of your parts- is also a word that comes to mind. Now, I wouldn't care a bit if anyone breathalyzed me, looked in my cabinets or any of the hiding places I used to, ransacked my apartment or looked in my car, nothing......but no one thinks to do that anymore.
There is also a thread on being sober with medication but not working the 12 steps (or any program). We discuss being a "dry drunk" there- being sober but not demonstrating changed behavior and thinking. I will tell you from experience as the child of an alcoholic, that I "knew" within about two words if my mom had been drinking - and 99% of the time, I was right. We learn the signs and signals that our loved ones are drinking; later on, my (sober) mom was excellent at "catching" me, just like I had been her. How are you acting? Do you get some version of that crazy look? Honestly evaluating what your behavior is consistently showing is important for us as the alcoholics. A breathalyzer can't prove new thinking, just sobriety.
I would be very careful here.
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