How do you let it go?
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Let me just say this before I even read your responses... which I very much want to do...
It's time to get therapy. I'm leaving the situation alone, just do my job, he'll stay away, I'll get the help I need and keep moving. Everything will be fine. I'm overanalyzing things, too, and I don't know that there's an actual danger there, just my messed up psyche causing my central nervous system to flip the bleep out for no bleeping reason. I will be fine and I will get some counseling.
It's time to get therapy. I'm leaving the situation alone, just do my job, he'll stay away, I'll get the help I need and keep moving. Everything will be fine. I'm overanalyzing things, too, and I don't know that there's an actual danger there, just my messed up psyche causing my central nervous system to flip the bleep out for no bleeping reason. I will be fine and I will get some counseling.
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Originally Posted by Berrybean 
That resonates with me big time. I was reading a really useful (to me anyway) article on codependency and inner child work, and one of the things that kind of jumped out and popped me one on the nose was something about all our feeling being real, but just not always correct, because often they come from that inner child who doesn't really understand what it needs, and is crying out for what it wants regardless of the facts and what we know to be good orderly direction for ourselves to follow. The author suggests that we ask ourselves 'how old do I feel right now' when we're having these emotional moments to help us identify what, actually, you very astutely identified in yourself. I wish I always had the same self-knowledge that you displayed yesterday BC. Thing is, that knowledge only helps us when we choose to act on that, and not the whims of our damaged and distressed inner child.
I know it's really hard to disconnect and go no-contact, but you do KNOW that's what you need. Sooth your inner child and reassure it that you're acting in her best interests. She can grow to trust you if you start taking care of her. Despite the pain and discomfort, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to trudge your road to recovery. No one of us ever said it'd be easy. I promise you though, it IS worth it.
Thinking of you BC, and sending my prayers and best wishes your way. BB
I know it's really hard to disconnect and go no-contact, but you do KNOW that's what you need. Sooth your inner child and reassure it that you're acting in her best interests. She can grow to trust you if you start taking care of her. Despite the pain and discomfort, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to trudge your road to recovery. No one of us ever said it'd be easy. I promise you though, it IS worth it.
Thinking of you BC, and sending my prayers and best wishes your way. BB
I didn't sleep well, I had some terrible anxiety nightmares and paranoia to all those little nighttime noises (my mother came up to use my bathroom because her hubs was in theirs and I was freaking out because I heard footsteps in the hall) The nightmares.. night terrors were as bad as the ones I had when I was initially detoxing.. They happen in a stage between sleep and awake.. at one point last night as I was contemplating just sitting down and talking with him about all my feelings (obviously not a good idea) and I got a sudden, very vivid mental image of him pointing a gun straight at the center of my forehead and pulling the trigger. Why would my subconscious show me that? Going down that road and talking to him about my feelings would be opening up and allowing him complete power to hurt me. If I did that and he responded coldly, indifferently, shut down or insulted me, it would kill me.
My brain, I swear, for as much as it overanalyzes things and comes up with very bad plans, it has some moments of clarity that really amaze me. I could never get to this place though, if not sober for 3 months. But again, it's extremely painful to have all this stuff come up and I need professional counseling now, I think. My stupid health insurance just went up! Might as well use the stupid thing!
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Mostly the fears that gave me the most issues were sheer projection. I also thought that rejection could kill me. You know what. It can't. None of our feelings can kill us, much as it feels like they might.
Sounds like a good idea to make use of that insurance.
Sounds like a good idea to make use of that insurance.
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Last night I really felt physical pain. I felt sheer panic the other night when he insisted I let him in. As much as I haven't wanted to replace one substance with another and feel like any effort to numb symptoms rather than face the problem is a step in the wrong direction for me, the physical stress response was too intense... When I said my heart hurt, that wasn't metaphorical lol I wonder sometimes if I do need anxiety medication!
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Have you tried breathing exercises BC. There are some simple ones that I've learnt can really help me get back to some semblance of calm quite quickly.
One of them is breathing in while thinking "God in" (count 1, 2 , 3 , 4) and breathe out while thinking "Fear out" (count 1, 2, 3, 4) breathe out.
Another is single nostril breathing. Hold one nostril shut again a time, breath in 1st nostril, hold, swap and breathe out 2nd nostril. Now breath in 2nd nostril, hold, and breathe out of first nostril.
BC, can you have a word with your employer again and explain that you really can not be in this situation. You've tried it but are suffering from anxiety from it.
Certain situations give us anxiety in early sobriety especially, but also in life in general. Managing the situation, either be removing ourselves from it or finding better ways of thinking about it or dealing with it (where possible ) is surely better than going straight in for numbing our feelings. Learning to do this is all part of recovery. You are early days yet. You asked for suggestions. Pretty much everyone, I think, suggested the same (I think), and you started the ball rolling on getting away from this situation, only to backtrack on it. I'm not sure that he is the only one that is behaving obsessively. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it as someone who can be quite addictive about relationships as well. Especially the ones that aren't healthy. For some reason I'd find the draw of an unhealthy relationship a real 'traincrash' lure. I'd have to keep going back to take another look, and check how they felt. I suppose so that I could start to decide how I felt based on it, because I really didn't have much self-knowledge about my feelings for a long while. Also, I think I got a bit of a buzz from the adrenaline of some of the situations as well. Just like people stop enjoying drinking alcohol but keep drinking it because they're addicted, I could stop enjoying a relationship but keep hgoing back for that buzz. Thing is, people can give you advise or listen to you (here or in person) but at the end of the day you are the one who has to do it. Only you can lean into your fears to move past them.
Just out of interest, what have YOU told (actually said, not insinuated or hinted at) to this man to tell him how you feel and what you want him to do. Did you actually tell him that you'd prefer him to stay away.
One of them is breathing in while thinking "God in" (count 1, 2 , 3 , 4) and breathe out while thinking "Fear out" (count 1, 2, 3, 4) breathe out.
Another is single nostril breathing. Hold one nostril shut again a time, breath in 1st nostril, hold, swap and breathe out 2nd nostril. Now breath in 2nd nostril, hold, and breathe out of first nostril.
BC, can you have a word with your employer again and explain that you really can not be in this situation. You've tried it but are suffering from anxiety from it.
Certain situations give us anxiety in early sobriety especially, but also in life in general. Managing the situation, either be removing ourselves from it or finding better ways of thinking about it or dealing with it (where possible ) is surely better than going straight in for numbing our feelings. Learning to do this is all part of recovery. You are early days yet. You asked for suggestions. Pretty much everyone, I think, suggested the same (I think), and you started the ball rolling on getting away from this situation, only to backtrack on it. I'm not sure that he is the only one that is behaving obsessively. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it as someone who can be quite addictive about relationships as well. Especially the ones that aren't healthy. For some reason I'd find the draw of an unhealthy relationship a real 'traincrash' lure. I'd have to keep going back to take another look, and check how they felt. I suppose so that I could start to decide how I felt based on it, because I really didn't have much self-knowledge about my feelings for a long while. Also, I think I got a bit of a buzz from the adrenaline of some of the situations as well. Just like people stop enjoying drinking alcohol but keep drinking it because they're addicted, I could stop enjoying a relationship but keep hgoing back for that buzz. Thing is, people can give you advise or listen to you (here or in person) but at the end of the day you are the one who has to do it. Only you can lean into your fears to move past them.
Just out of interest, what have YOU told (actually said, not insinuated or hinted at) to this man to tell him how you feel and what you want him to do. Did you actually tell him that you'd prefer him to stay away.
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He has not behaved obsessively per se.. his coming around after being told not to is probably equal parts cluelessness and stubbornness. He had seen no reason why he should stay away and he just wanted to come over and check on his aunt after football practice and before dinner. It was just the convenient time for him to stop over.. sadly I think my feelings of intimidation were projections, fabrications.
Now I typed up a really long, drawn out version of the events... I tried to quit this case, my boss asked me why, and got me to admit it was because of him, she took my side and helped me pass the message along that I did not want him there.. eventually he followed suit and stayed away. And that's one day so far. He still knows nothing, and does not think there's any reason he should do what I want. I haven't said anything to him, but I just know, given his personality, he's thinking, and his bully wife is saying, don't listen to her, do what you want. That's their personality. And now the high school football season ended last night. He used to not come around til the end of my shift just cause he had his 7-3 job and then football practice, now he will be home for the last 3 hours of my shift instead of the last 30 minutes. His aunt asks if his car is there and if she looks she can spot the yellow color of it despite her poor vision lol She will get somewhat paranoid when she picks up that he is not coming over as he normally would.. She will think his evil wife won't let him.
Now I typed up a really long, drawn out version of the events... I tried to quit this case, my boss asked me why, and got me to admit it was because of him, she took my side and helped me pass the message along that I did not want him there.. eventually he followed suit and stayed away. And that's one day so far. He still knows nothing, and does not think there's any reason he should do what I want. I haven't said anything to him, but I just know, given his personality, he's thinking, and his bully wife is saying, don't listen to her, do what you want. That's their personality. And now the high school football season ended last night. He used to not come around til the end of my shift just cause he had his 7-3 job and then football practice, now he will be home for the last 3 hours of my shift instead of the last 30 minutes. His aunt asks if his car is there and if she looks she can spot the yellow color of it despite her poor vision lol She will get somewhat paranoid when she picks up that he is not coming over as he normally would.. She will think his evil wife won't let him.
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BC, it's good you are writing and expressing your thoughts. I also wonder what other aspects of your life are working out, you seem to have some supports, people who listen. Are there places you go, outside of the neighborhood that bring relief? Other cases that inspire? I'm just thinking about your points that you can overanaluze and wonder if you can turn your mind to other things. You have said you don't feel in imminent danger, I hope you can have some fun, relax in some way doing something enjoyable. I'm glad you are here!
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Yeah I am gonna go out in a minute and drive through the park, check out the fall leaves... listen to some music.
I need to start heading to the gym again, I really need to take off about 20 pounds right now, at least.
I have so many books I want to finish and start!
I need to start heading to the gym again, I really need to take off about 20 pounds right now, at least.
I have so many books I want to finish and start!
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I think I should tell him he can come around whenever he wants. I feel like I want to text... Hey, sorry to bother you again, I think you should do what you want, visit if you want, you shouldn't have to stay away because of me.
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I'm just not gonna say anything and try to do my job well... I'm tired of giving this person (who is of no real significance or consequence in the grand scheme of my life, he just happened to be there) all this power and all this space in my head... It is as if I have replaced alcohol with another addiction. It no longer matters what he does, or says, or what I do when it comes to him, it will never be a healthy relationship. There is a distance there now for a reason and I need to maintain it, and if that doesn't work, I need to increase it. Total abstinence was the only thing that worked with alcohol, it works with any addiction. Well, except food, that would probably be the only exception where moderation is the answer 
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth
... It is as if I have replaced alcohol with another addiction.
BC. He is just a passing problem. He is like a zit that comes from eating crap and not drinking enough water. If you pop that zit and clean it up, but carry on neglecting yourself then another zit will soon pop up. And another. And another. We need to start healing if we want to stop having the same problems over and over. I think I've already said this, but at the risk of boring you to tears I'll say it again - nothing changes if nothing changes. When we begin to put as much emotional energy and time into thinking about the solution as we used to do about the problem and the symptoms, then we start getting better.
I can't remember what your recovery plan is, or maybe you haven't shared it with us yet. (I'm sorry if I'm a bit vague and forgetful . I'm just back from a Serenity Weekend, and am feeling a bit dozy, verging on bovine.) Anyway. That aside, perhaps you could share your plan with us so we can talk about the solution with you on here, and help you to navigate onto calmer waters xx
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I love you, and your zit analogy. That's gonna stay with me. 
My recovery plan?
*dial tone*
I'm wingin' it.
I think it should include a few key points though...
Avoiding my vice, alcohol..
Taking care of myself, resting, eating, exercising, relaxing.
Finding ways to be better at what I do for a living.
Keeping sight of long term goals, getting my LPN.
Setting daily intentions and weekly goals.
Recording my thoughts.
Learning more about co-dependency and healing the things I have to heal.
Recognizing situations that are unhealthy for me and altering what I can or removing myself from the situation when it can't be altered.
My recovery plan?
*dial tone*
I'm wingin' it.
I think it should include a few key points though...
Avoiding my vice, alcohol..
Taking care of myself, resting, eating, exercising, relaxing.
Finding ways to be better at what I do for a living.
Keeping sight of long term goals, getting my LPN.
Setting daily intentions and weekly goals.
Recording my thoughts.
Learning more about co-dependency and healing the things I have to heal.
Recognizing situations that are unhealthy for me and altering what I can or removing myself from the situation when it can't be altered.
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Dee's thread has lots of good links on it about making a plan. Might be worth having a good read through and determine exactly what you'll be doing on a daily and weekly basis to help keep your sobriety comfortable and sustainable and aid your long term recovery. You, like everyone else, deserve to be at peace with yourself, and the tools to deal with life and relationships without running to alcohol (or other things) for comfort and oblivion. We can learn to live with and cope with our feelings, as long as we're prepared to do the work.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
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Just checked those out and I seem to have a pretty good sense of what I need to do...Some of the items on the list of 101 are things my old therapist gave me years ago for self-esteem building.
I just didn't think I had a plan, when you asked, because it's not like I have sat down and laid it all out on paper... Like I should make a budget and I never literally make one, but I am aware of my income, my spending habits, my expenses and my goals and pitfalls to avoid, and sometimes I think about what I can do to set new goals and improve my finances even more... So it is with my recovery plan.
I just haven't talked too much about it here.... *musing*
I think I have been much more problem focused than solution focused here. But I do believe that you care and so I promise you that I am putting my energies in to the solution.
Actually, I admit that the past week I have been in the wrong head space, with work and this guy and all... I'm feeling much better today.
I'm reading one of the self-help books I downloaded and plan to take my laptop to work with me tomorrow so I can read during downtime.
I just didn't think I had a plan, when you asked, because it's not like I have sat down and laid it all out on paper... Like I should make a budget and I never literally make one, but I am aware of my income, my spending habits, my expenses and my goals and pitfalls to avoid, and sometimes I think about what I can do to set new goals and improve my finances even more... So it is with my recovery plan.
I just haven't talked too much about it here.... *musing*
I think I have been much more problem focused than solution focused here. But I do believe that you care and so I promise you that I am putting my energies in to the solution.
Actually, I admit that the past week I have been in the wrong head space, with work and this guy and all... I'm feeling much better today.
I'm reading one of the self-help books I downloaded and plan to take my laptop to work with me tomorrow so I can read during downtime.
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Yep. It's easy to get into negative head space and so, so hard to get out of it again.
I keep my plan noted down so when I start getting into that negative vortex I can go down me list and do the things on it, because sure as eggs are egg, simple as my plan might be, I won't be able to think of ANYTHING on the list while I'm in the vortex. I need that piece of paper. As time goes on I seem to need it less, but it's a simple tool, and it safeguards me so I'll keep it to hand.
Oh, and remember, a plan is only as good as the effort we put into it. If we want to feel better every day, then that's how often we need to be working our recovery plan.
Bless you BC. Hope you manage to stay out of the vortex. X
I keep my plan noted down so when I start getting into that negative vortex I can go down me list and do the things on it, because sure as eggs are egg, simple as my plan might be, I won't be able to think of ANYTHING on the list while I'm in the vortex. I need that piece of paper. As time goes on I seem to need it less, but it's a simple tool, and it safeguards me so I'll keep it to hand.
Oh, and remember, a plan is only as good as the effort we put into it. If we want to feel better every day, then that's how often we need to be working our recovery plan.
Bless you BC. Hope you manage to stay out of the vortex. X
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Berry bean, ....a plan is only as good as the effort.......Yup. I guess that's why rewriting it helps me, I buy in when its fresh, updating it reminds me of my goals . Today I'm celebrating 29 years of marital "bliss," writing some relationship goals. As good as it is, can only get better with clearer lines of communication.
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How's your day been BC? Hope your spat of optimism, hope fulness and determination to work your program and stay in the solution has continued.
Mine has been okay apart for some long, scary, extra-foggy commutes at either end of the work day. Turned up my music and sang loud. It's hard to feel afraid when you're singing hymns. ☺
Mine has been okay apart for some long, scary, extra-foggy commutes at either end of the work day. Turned up my music and sang loud. It's hard to feel afraid when you're singing hymns. ☺
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I totally do that! I was driving to the hospital for nursing clinic once and it was pouring rain so hard that rain was pooling on the road surface and everyone was flying past me like it didn't bother them in the slightest. I felt my tires sliding and catching and I was freaking out so I turned the radio up and tried to entertain myself until I got there lol
We get a lot of fog here in the fall, makes it hard to see deer. But tonight the main road hazard was trick-or-treaters. Why must they all dress in black with nothing bright or reflective, aren't they aware that it's night?
Anyway!
What did I come in to talk about?
I let it go today. The massively long post I was most likely going to dive in to here... It doesn't matter. The details don't matter. I let go of it today.
I didn't quit my job - yet - but I let go of control of the situation, any parts of it.
And I finished reading the first book on my list, The Road Back to Me, by Lisa A. Romano. I swear this was like a mirror to myself. So many of her experiences are my experiences and even if they aren't I could draw parallels to similar things I've gone through and even where I could not do that I could absorb so much wisdom from her words...
I think in life we find soul matches (soul mates, if you will, without the romantic connotations) and unfortunately they come to us where ever we are, so if we are in a place of pain and suffering and below consciousness, they will match us down there... I am finally finding my match in people who started out that way, with a lot of pain, but were able to overcome it and become loving instead. Loving to themselves, first and foremost. When you see others who have been where you've been move on and learn to love who they are, you realize you can do the same.
I said I wasn't going to ramble on. Oh well. hehe.
We get a lot of fog here in the fall, makes it hard to see deer. But tonight the main road hazard was trick-or-treaters. Why must they all dress in black with nothing bright or reflective, aren't they aware that it's night?
Anyway!
What did I come in to talk about?
I let it go today. The massively long post I was most likely going to dive in to here... It doesn't matter. The details don't matter. I let go of it today.
I didn't quit my job - yet - but I let go of control of the situation, any parts of it.
And I finished reading the first book on my list, The Road Back to Me, by Lisa A. Romano. I swear this was like a mirror to myself. So many of her experiences are my experiences and even if they aren't I could draw parallels to similar things I've gone through and even where I could not do that I could absorb so much wisdom from her words...
I think in life we find soul matches (soul mates, if you will, without the romantic connotations) and unfortunately they come to us where ever we are, so if we are in a place of pain and suffering and below consciousness, they will match us down there... I am finally finding my match in people who started out that way, with a lot of pain, but were able to overcome it and become loving instead. Loving to themselves, first and foremost. When you see others who have been where you've been move on and learn to love who they are, you realize you can do the same.
I said I wasn't going to ramble on. Oh well. hehe.
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There's a really strange duality I never noticed before in myself, being an adult child of an alcoholic and a codependent.... I became both.... So it's not enough to stop at taking care of the addiction piece, I also have to tackle the codependent in me... I wonder how many other alcoholics experience this, I would bet a lot.
I think I became codependent first, then covered everything with the addiction for years. I'm still just as sick if I simply get rid of my chemical dependence. But this is good news. I can fix me.
I think I became codependent first, then covered everything with the addiction for years. I'm still just as sick if I simply get rid of my chemical dependence. But this is good news. I can fix me.
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