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How do you let it go?

Old 10-26-2016, 09:48 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
I was instructed to just call the agency's on call number tomorrow night if he comes.. I'm not gonna lock him out, I'm gonna take him on faith, but I will watch for his car from the living room window and excuse myself if we comes over. I really don't want to lose money and a job and mess up what is otherwise a smooth going situation.

(I'm not gonna lock because it created a scene that disturbed Auntie to a degree and I don't want to repeat and possibly escalate)
Do you really think that is a wise move? He's a drunk and involved in an extramarital relationship to boot. I'd follow your employers instructions to the T. If you keep leaving openings ( in this case literally ) for him to open the door and keep the relationship alive that's exactly what he'll do.
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Old 10-26-2016, 09:57 AM
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Uh oh. Involved in extramarital relationships? Not that I am personally aware of. I can not say I know that about him. He's been married for 29 years and from my observations it's an extremely addictive co-dependent relationship but I don't see him as having any interest in a fling with a girl. Too busy, too mopey.
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Old 10-26-2016, 09:59 AM
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I do think tomorrow is IT. He has said he would not come. Adherence to that will go a long way to improving the situation, but if it does come, it's over.
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Old 10-26-2016, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post
Uh oh. Involved in extramarital relationships? Not that I am personally aware of. I can not say I know that about him. He's been married for 29 years and from my observations it's an extremely addictive co-dependent relationship but I don't see him as having any interest in a fling with a girl. Too busy, too mopey.
I'm confused... I thought you were in a relationship with him? If not, what's all this about?
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Old 10-26-2016, 10:51 AM
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It's a toxic work environment.. there's more to it in another thread and I just got back on to it tangentially here... I am an in home caregiver, have been with a woman with dementia for about a year. There is always a challenge of finding a good fit, especially with older people and especially with dementia, and we have a good fit. My walking away means she might have to be placed in a nursing home because there may not be a replacement for me.

Her nephew lives across the street and he just stops over. He used to help me with certain things but with his wife getting sick and his drinking escalating secondary to that, he has come around less. But generally he does stop by nightly. I have had a level of discomfort around him from the get go but now, two months in to my sobriety, I realized that because of my confusing feelings for him (that are very much tied to my issues with my own father) he presents a potential relapse trigger for me.

I requested out of the case. I was asked to wait til a replacement was found. I was guilted in to staying indefinitely because of what I explained above about there not being too many other good options... So between myself and my agency we came up with the compromise that he stay away on the 3 evenings that I am there (sometimes it's four if I cover for someone) and it would seem to me that would be an easy fix... but that hasn't been the case yet.

PS when I say his drinking has gotten worse... back in the springtime I overheard him talking to his nephew and saying "I drink all the time now. Over here, at home, at work." Functional alcoholic by all appearances, but does fly off the handle sometimes, so far just verbally.
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Old 10-26-2016, 10:58 AM
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And I am probably dealing with a narcissist who will not only firmly argue that he has done nothing wrong but flip it so that I look insane. I have taken something that was only a drinking trigger in theory, because all the conflict was happening inside me, to now a situation that could play out in lots of nasty ways. Cause I'm brilliant like that!
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:04 PM
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From what you have described, you are working in a situation in which you have to walk around on eggshells to a certain extent. He drinks all the time and sometimes "flies off the handle". Umm: That's really not okay. Despite how things are 'set up' right now so that you can continue taking care of that lady, You still worry about "what he's been told" and whether or not he will stay away from you. You started out by stating you were in love with him at one point in time, but no longer are.

Maybe the first lesson you can get out this whole experience is don't let yourself fall for a married alcoholic man who is related to someone you're supposed to be professional with. We're all human and sometimes we just fall for people. So, what needs to happen to safeguard against things escalating to a nasty outcome, is you need to know where your boundaries are or where your boundaries should be. This is partially an ethical and moral issue. You've got to learn to have the mindset that there are just certain lines you can't cross, even it is just with your heart and mind. Don't go there. For example: married alcoholic men are off limits.

But: There is also the issue of your sobriety. There are certain situations we need to pull ourselves away from. It sounds like you're spending too much time worried about what he might do.

Past behavior is a pretty good predictor of future behavior. Realistically, unless he gets sober himself, you can safely expect him to "fly off the handle" again.

This just keeps getting better. Now you say he's a narcissist who will make you out to be the crazy one. Not good, Brenda, not good.
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:10 PM
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Lots of good advice here Brenda. At the end of the day you are going to need to be the one that takes care of this situation. No matter what the real story is behind your relationship ( or lack of ) with this person - it's toxic for you to be where you are. You need to either remove yourself from the work environment or get 100% assurance that this particular person will not be involved at all. The former would most likely be better. What happens to the woman you care for should not be of concern - her care is a contract between her and the agency you work for, not a contract between you and her. They will find another person to care for her, and if they determine that being in a nursing home is the correct solution then that's what will happen. Nursing homes are very capable of caring for people too -it's their job.
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:15 PM
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I wish I'd gotten sober before I met him. I might have walked away much earlier on OR I would have been thinking clearly enough to never get involved in this way in the first place... There's no longer any justification for it... Well, I'm over it. There's nothing more I can do but move on.

The old me would have overreacted to the part of your post, teatree, where you said I could take a lesson... because that lesson should be obvious. Of course we know that many things that would be obvious to a non-addict are less obvious to us or are made fuzzy by our AV.
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:24 PM
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You know Scott you bring up a good point. We ONLY hear the nursing home horror stories and bad reviews. I do think she will have the same quality of care, and for my own part I think that her family members, the same ones who are trying so hard now to stay involved and keep her at home, will become too busy to visit her. She gets to see many of them on Sundays and holidays that simply will not go visit her in a nursing home. It's out of their way, it's not the farm, it's an unpleasant, sad place and there are no nice memories there, they're not going to eat spaghetti and catch up with anyone other than her, and they will not go just to visit someone they know has Alzheimer's. I think there are two nieces that will make weekly visits a rule. The rest will always have an excuse. There are family now who could walk to her house and don't.

I'm sorry I am just venting because it is sad.
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:28 PM
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Thank you Brenda. Yes alcohol messes with peoples' minds. So true...Please know I don't judge you for any of your actions. I can understand about these things because I've been in many situations in which I've had to lay down very firm boundaries and stick to them or it could lead me to a place of destruction.

Consider this: People who have been sexually abused usually don't have healthy boundaries. Is that their fault? I don't think so. It's likely they don't know HOW to have healthy boundaries. They been violated, in many cases by someone close to them that should be trustworthy, your father in your case. But it can be learned. Typically, sexual abuse victims either have no boundaries, no clue how to establish healthy boundaries, OR...they are so guarded they will not trust anyone or let anyone be intimate with them, which can adversely affect their relationship fulfillment(s).
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Old 10-26-2016, 12:39 PM
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I can tell you genuinely care and that's why I love it here. I can do this anonymously and work through my stuff.

You used the word destructive and that's such a great word that applies here.. I have always had an urge to self destruct, it numbs my feelings..

I did in fact feel a need to numb my senses last night, I needed a cigarette or twelve and I needed to blast something hard like Nine Inch Nails and I didn't have any of my cds and there was a hockey game on the alt station and there's a wiring issue in my car where only the back speakers are working and I almost blew them out! lol

I want boxing gloves and a heavy bag to punch the living hell out of.
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Old 10-27-2016, 11:34 AM
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Brenda dear:

What you are describing here sounds like you need a really really good outlet to get some of these intense feelings and frustrations out. Yes, you situation sounds frustrating too...I can tell you are a very caring person. That's why you want to keep taking care of that lady. And yes, caregivers do form attachments to those in their care sometimes...that's part of caring and being engaged.

Right now you feel uncomfortable no matter what you do. You've been 'guilted' into to staying in the current place. I understand that. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If we live like that too awful much we can end up feeling as if we are 'damned' in general and we can take that on so much before it really really starts to wear on us. Perhaps it's just the nature of the beast. If your type of work was 'easy' everyone would be doing it, but the sad fact is caring for the elderly; working in nursing homes, etc does have a high turnover rate and it's hard to get people to stay. So of course you don't want to just be the latest in what sounds like a steady stream of people coming and going who've cared for this lady. It's hard to the patient too because they feel abandoned.

Our stress, our frustration, our unmet needs, and unresolved issues do come out in some form or another. I know many co-dependents who start drinking or using other substances their selves to 'deal'. Honestly, for me it wasn't difficult to stop drinking. My co-dependency issues are the tougher nut to crack.

It concerns me when you speak of the need to 'self destruct'. Maybe you were half joking. You are a person of great worth, Brenda!
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Old 10-27-2016, 01:19 PM
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Hey Brenda
Lots of good advice presented from others with wisdom and kindness but here I go...
a redneck woman from coal country...
Get some meat on your bones and walk away
Tight budget? Eat mac'and cheese
This family has shown no negligence and paid for others to care for this lady. Let them figure stuff out instead of you.
Don't waste your recovery energy on this situation anymore.
Just do a good job without emotional attachment or quit. The lady will be fine until replacement of you
Fix your stuff at the foremost. Stay sober and strong. Fight your demons because they will not let up till you die. Analysis is done.
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Old 10-27-2016, 05:21 PM
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4givn, I love the quote in your signature, I so needed that today!!!!


He did stay away, finally and.... Okay, let me preface the following. I know this is sick, I know this is AV, I know this is my hurt inner child who has just watched yet another surrogate father figure walk away....

Actually... that prefaces nothing, because that was like a giant gut punch... Maybe I will talk more about this tomorrow.

I am sober. See you on day 68.
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Old 10-27-2016, 05:42 PM
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He made me forget about Grey's Anatomy. That is unacceptable.

On a serious note. I am freaking out. OH! A sober buddy called Tuesday night and I also forgot to call him back.. I should do that.. cause my heart HURTS because while I have NO desire to drink, I want something even more and so badly that I'm shaking and my heart is racing.
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Old 10-27-2016, 05:50 PM
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Alright alright alright
I'm okay
I can breathe
This is silly
lol
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Old 10-27-2016, 06:12 PM
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The question now... Because over the past year, my decision to stay or leave has been influenced to some extent by my feelings for him. What holds me there if he no longer is a factor? This is what I did all this for.

My moment of falling apart tonight was a very strong desire to text him and say I'm sorry you can come any time.. I will explain everything when I am ready... I can't do this... can I... I can't...

I was fully expecting him to come out of stubbornness. I have no right to tell him to stay away. He knows that..

Not once has he asked me what is wrong... Maybe he will drink til he's brave and call me up and ask..

I don't know if the situation is fixed... it is just more complicated... and risky still because he's a phone call away... And if I unring this bell, I can't very well ring it again!

My head is swirling around in circles..
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Old 10-28-2016, 12:19 AM
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********
Blow this off
This guy has no good your life
This is not Grey's Anatomy,,,, False info
Not a turn on
Fake stuff
Get out
Bad legs
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Old 10-28-2016, 01:12 AM
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Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth View Post

... I know this is my hurt inner child who has just watched yet another surrogate father figure walk away....
That resonates with me big time. I was reading a really useful (to me anyway) article on codependency and inner child work, and one of the things that kind of jumped out and popped me one on the nose was something about all our feeling being real, but just not always correct, because often they come from that inner child who doesn't really understand what it needs, and is crying out for what it wants regardless of the facts and what we know to be good orderly direction for ourselves to follow. The author suggests that we ask ourselves 'how old do I feel right now' when we're having these emotional moments to help us identify what, actually, you very astutely identified in yourself. I wish I always had the same self-knowledge that you displayed yesterday BC. Thing is, that knowledge only helps us when we choose to act on that, and not the whims of our damaged and distressed inner child.
I know it's really hard to disconnect and go no-contact, but you do KNOW that's what you need. Sooth your inner child and reassure it that you're acting in her best interests. She can grow to trust you if you start taking care of her. Despite the pain and discomfort, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to trudge your road to recovery. No one of us ever said it'd be easy. I promise you though, it IS worth it.

Thinking of you BC, and sending my prayers and best wishes your way. BB
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