BrendaChenowyth

It's not what you think. I'm not about to talk about waking up next to a man or woman I thought was beautiful when I was drunk who turned out not to be when I woke up sober.

I was in love with a much older married man that I had to see on 2-4 times weekly basis. He was and is an alcoholic. The crush gradually faded over the course of a year, as he became less and less happy, more and more tired, unpleasant to be around.. never in a threatening way, just unpleasant. And now that I am sober two months, and I still have to see him, it's really really uncomfortable for me knowing I had inappropriate feelings for him.. the physical attraction is gone, but I have the awkward memory of knowing I flirted with him off and on.. I don't believe he ever looked at me in the way I wanted him to, but do believe he knew I had some feelings.. Mostly I would look at him and talk to him more than was necessary.. I would occasionally dress to try to try and get a little of his attention. Once I faked a migraine so that he would pay attention to me, and he did and he was concerned and very tender and I loved it. Now I remember all that and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I know feelings fade, and although my feelings have changed, and they are less sweet and affectionate than they once were, I still feel annoyed by many little things that he does, I watch for him to come over and I get upset when he doesn't speak to me or pay enough attention to me, still.

The problem I have with this, is that tonight after seeing him I wanted to drink. I considered it. I had one of the strongest cravings I've had since that first ten days of withdrawal. I'm scared that I won't be able to get over my feelings for him. I have been told to avoid people, places and things that are triggers because they used to coincide with the drinking.. He is a trigger.. especially when I see a beer can in his hand or I smell alcohol on his breath..

I take care of his aunt, in her home, he lives across the street and stops in after work to check on things, say hi to her, feed her dog.. I could easily ask my agency to find me a new assignment, but she is a feisty 90 year old Italian lady with dementia and she just fired someone she didn't like.. they have a hard time getting good people.. Further making it difficult to move on, she and her family really depend on me and I also get a feeling of fulfillment, knowing I do good work. while that improves my self esteem which helps me stay sober, seeing him makes me want to throw it all away.. When I was drunk all the time I looked forward to seeing him, I flirted and he would occasionally smile.. He never smiles now and I hate this awkward feeling.. I am afraid I will fall off the wagon because of my feelings for him.. Do I move on even though it means abandoning people who value and depend on me?

BrendaChenowyth

Secondary question: Why do I talk about my FEELINGS so much? I'm really annoyed by how many times I said FEELINGS!

ScottFromWI

Just my personal .02, but if you can be reassigned to work somewhere else that means someone else capable can be reassigned to take care of the woman you are currently working with, right? The situation with this man seems very unhealthy for you and easily avoidable.

Maudcat

Hey, Brenda. I think I understand what you are getting to. I spent a fair amount
of my single life--long time back-- pursuing emotionally distant men. I just had to make them notice me, make them see how special I was . ( I am pretty special, but that's a story for another day. ) Thankfully, in the course of time and enlightenment, I came to see that that behavior was not a recipe for dating success. It could be that you are simply seeing things more clearly now that you are not drinking. If it were me, I would keep doing my job with the feisty aunt if it gives you satisfaction with a job well done. But...(there is always a but) if interacting with her nephew is a drinking trigger for you, then maybe you should get reassigned. your recovery is the most important thing. Dunno if this helps. Wishing you the best. Peace.

EndGameNYC

Because in very many cases, it's much better, and often safer for everyone involved, to talk about them instead of acting on them.

tomsteve

maybe you could set boundaries with the man? no stopping in while youre there?

August252015

I know I say it alot but Imma say it again....I ruthlessly choose the people in my life. I simply do not allow anyone who isn't a positive influence a seat at my table. And this would extend to a "boss"/employer-employee dynamic if such endangered my sobriety - my emotional sobriety having a slight edge to my physical sobriety because if the first isn't tended to unceasingly, the latter will follow. I would be actively looking to change my work environment in some way, if I had this kind of situation. Absolutely NO amount of "good I am doing" etc can color a risky situation for me. If it is something I can control- and believe it or not, even employment is just that- then it would go, before I would drink.

At any cost, to any lengths. I also circle back to choice: I have the choice not to drink. I have to turn any situation or "relationship" back to me and my faults, my thinking, my addiction - and my recovery. Not easy in certain cases, such as here. Necessary - emotional focus on me, then practical focus on getting the hell out of a bad situation.

Good luck.

Ooona

The attraction to emotionally unavailable men ( people) rationale:
" If I can make him notice me, like me, flirt with me, leave his wife for me or ______ then I am a worthy person, Im worth while, Im not invisible. Im empowered by the affection because I need someone outside of me to feel that I am worthy"

Alot of it circles back to self worth/confidence/codependency issues. For myself this all dated back to deep issues that began in my childhood.

I had to cut all ties and go NO CONTACT with him and make a commitment to no relationships for a period of time. Just work on me, put the focus on me, stop distracting myself with outside people. There are outside resources that can help as well. CODA meetings and private therapy helped me too.

Best wishes to you!

HTown

You mention he has become less attaractive to you and he seems more unhappy and tired. Funny how with sober eyes, we start to see how alcohol affects us. I personally got less and less happy, more tired. It was the alcohol.

You say you really wanted attention from this man, for him to notice you. Being attracted to emotionally unavailable people was something I really had to confront.. It was due to my parents being emotionally unavailable. Think back, was there someone like that in your past? Often we try to seek relationships where we can "get it right this time". Think long and hard about what this man represents to you. Is it to be taken care of? To be whisked away and held close? Is it exciting to be with a married man? Sex without commitment? Are you emotionally unavailable as well? I know I was when I drank. What does the idea of him represent to you? What longing is/was it filling?

You say he is a trigger. I think it is commendable you care about your client. You have a good heart, but you must take care of yourself first. Your sobriety is the most important thing here as I see it. Years of not putting myself first, well women do that all the time don't we. You are the prize here not the job, not this guy.

BrendaChenowyth

Yes and no. In theory I would be able to call out sick and they would have coverage. They don't.

It does seem easy...

BrendaChenowyth

It's my father. The whole thing is transference of my feelings about my father on to this other older man with a drinking problem.

BrendaChenowyth

I complained to other family members in the past that he was always around.. because when I first got there he did more for me, because he had done certain things when his wife took care of his aunt.. then his wife began to complain that he spent too much time across the street, so he stopped doing a lot of things for us. When I used to work Saturdays, he would sometimes stop over 5-6 times throughout the day. I would text him for stupid little reasons knowing he'd usually come right over... I did start getting snippy with him, because his wife was having some health problems and he kept saying he couldn't come over and every night there he was! "I got it. You don't have to come over. I'm taking care of everything." And he'd say thank you but I wasn't saying it to be nice, I just wanted him away.

He cooks spaghetti sauce every Sunday for family dinners so that is the day he comes over the most and I requested out of Sundays, and even when there have been call-offs, I have declined to go in.

BrendaChenowyth

I have to move on... I couldn't sleep last night and I had some pretty dark thoughts that made me re-evaluate my ideas of buying a gun for personal protection, as I had talked about in the hobbies thread... I called out this morning... I was so exhausted I couldn't care... Tomorrow I am going to request out of the assignment... My money situation right now is okay on account of the not drinking in two months. If I had to have my hours cut back to nearly nothing temporarily that would not kill me.

feeling-good

No matter what, NOTHING is worth losing your sobriety over. Do not let your mind even entertain that thought. I think if it were me, I would very quietly start looking for alternative employment... or something like that. I wish you the very best (and I am saying this as a person who has made many 'errors' in my life, both sober and not. I have found sobriety and, odaat, will be 4 years in January.

ardy

hi .. just my take . set the boundries of when he can come over.. have your employer chat with the payee of the account.. and the family stops it in that direction without to much fuss... like the man that I knew so long ago.. some times its nice to run into him in public.. in a store.. now that we have moved to another side of town .. the chances of running into him is less every day.... last time I saw him from a distance.. he was smaller then me sadder... and older... so much older. and we are only a couple of years in age apart.. life changes and the Path that we must take .. is the correct one to follow.. prayers for a better today..

BrendaChenowyth

I get very depressed after seeing him now. It's not good...

Berrybean

I'd suggest that the one person that you have undisputed responsibility for is yourself. The other ones are a choice. If you choose to keep looking after them at the expense of looking after yourself and your sobriety, chances are that after a while you won't end up looking after anyone very well (esp. if you relapse, but even if you neglect your recovery work).

If you can manage to keep right-sized in this then it will make things much simpler and easier. Carers come. Carers go. Relationships start, and they fizzle out (esp of one person is an active alcoholic and emotionally unavailable ).

Hope things get better soon, whatever you decide to do.

BB

ScottFromWI

Then the solution is to not see him anymore. Glad to hear you've made plans to be re-assigned. What other positive things could you focus on today? You've made positive change by requesting this new assignment already.

BrendaChenowyth

I have hardly gotten out of bed yet... I need to take a shower lol

BrendaChenowyth

So in the past I have tried to get out of this case and waffled, either agreeing to keep one or two of my days, or give them time to find a replacement, which often never happened, or I put in my two weeks notice and ended up changing my mind (he had often been part of the reason)

We have a new person in charge of our agency and where as the old boss would try to get me to stay (that account is a lot of reimbursable hours for the agency and it sucks to not have anyone to fill them cause that's money they're not getting!!) but this new boss, I called and said I would like to be taken off the case for personal reasons, would like to take new cases and can even be on call.. she asked if everything was okay and I said yes it was just personal and she asked if I worked there tomorrow and I said I didn't and she was cool with it... I'm out.

That nice refreshing shower helped lol