BrendaChenowyth

Sometimes I think it's me... I seem to cause trouble every where that I go...

HopeandFaith1

I used to feel the same way. When we're actively drinking, our emotions and intentions can be all over the place. But maybe now that you have some sober time under your belt, that could change. I have no idea if you have sobered up before, but I can tell you from experience that you might feel pleasantly surprised at how your perspective could change with continued sobriety. It is also empowering not to be at the mercy of alcohol anymore.

Even though I still tend to complain some here on SR, I can tell you that my life is so much more manageable now. i used to feel like I caused a lot of trouble too, and maybe now a days I still cause a little trouble occasionally but nothing like the emotional sh*t storms of before.

I really think if you give it time, things could even out for you. My emotions were a total roller coaster at 60 days and I ended up going to an addiction psychiatrist who was able to prescribe a low dose antidepressant to stabilize my moods some. Meetings help too. And of course, there's always SR

ardy

funny now our lives are so much like the movies...

Brenda .. may I ... time for a new line in the script.. time for a new chapter to play and find out what is important in the life you have... promise the
script change won't be that hard to adjust to... prayers a Lady Clown..

ScottFromWI

Whether or not that's true, you have a choice in the matter. You've made a good choice to move on from this situation, keep making decisions like that and you'll be much better off.

teatreeoil007

This is worth taking a real good look at, Brenda. If you feel like you cause trouble 'everywhere you go', that indicates a pattern.

Patterns tell us so much about ourselves. What we 'tend' to do tells us a lot. So, maybe a good 'look-see' there and it could help you figure out what your needs really are, how you've been going about getting your needs met....start to problem solve how to get your needs met in healthier ways that don't compromise you being whole nor compromise others.

Whether we realize it or not we give a part of ourselves away when we get into relationships. And that is fine; it's just part of life....but in healthy relationships we get good things back.

EndGameNYC

I had to work very hard to achieve sobriety. And then I started working very hard to get where I wanted to be and to get what I've brought into my life. I could not do both things at the same time, and so I accepted that I could not do everything all at once. I learned how to set priorities without abandoning them to some ethereal list without ever working on them.

Just as important, I needed to work very hard on letting go of the things that impeded my recovery, and that held me back as a human being, which was and remains the only important measure of success for me. None of this was easy.

In both cases, it was and is important for me to accept that everything in life is temporary, that we're not built to hold onto people and things in our lives forever, no matter how heartbreaking that is or may seem to be. It's just the way things are.

I'm not religious, and when I pray, I do it in my own way. But I learned a prayer in AA that's about both growth and gratitude.

"God, thank you for everything you've given me.
Thank you for everything you've taken away from me.
And thank you for everything I'm about to receive."

I was able to become grateful for all that I'd lost. We have a limited supply of both psychological and physical energy. In order to make room to "receive" new and healthy things in life, we first need to clear out all that is either unnecessary or in opposition to our own health and well-being. We can't have both.

BrendaChenowyth

Thank you, EndGame...


I hope you guys do realize that this is just the most recent in a long string of relationships and situations that follows in a toxic co-dependent pattern... and that it comes from somewhere. I had a father who beat and molested me, I had a mother who consistently made me feel I was in the way of her happiness (we are only now healing that relationship, or are we? I can not figure out if she's better or if she only says the right things now instead of the careless hurtful things).. and then because I started out life as a victim, I allowed the world to victimize me, and I was bullied daily in school, and in work places and social circles I ran in as an adult.. It all followed suit, because of the way it started out.. I drank to numb all of that.

But I also found that I could assuage my feelings of worthlessness and make up for having my own needs unmet by meeting the needs of others. In this last home care case, which I just left, I had all these other people depending on me and praising me, but I locked my sights on this man that I could not please, no matter what. I learned that he has deep-seated issues as well and even tried to prey on his vulnerabilities, I knew that if I feigned ill, he would come and take care of me, because this is what he does. I was so happy when he cared for me, and a few days later we got in a fight when I forgot to do something for his aunt and asked him to leave a note for the caregiver who would come in the morning. He threatened to call the agency and have me fired. I spoke with my boss the next day about this and she said that was strange because she's never met or spoken to him at all.. I kept waiting for an opportunity to throw this back in his face but never got it.. I looked forward to our next fight or confrontation and imagined how it might go. Everything was about getting his attention, whether it was positive or negative...

So I'm recognizing these co-dependent tendencies and where they come from and right now I'm in a very lonely place because I am letting go of toxic relationships but those were the only kind I had to speak of..

teatreeoil007

Brenda: This explains so much. It's good you can see these things, talk about them and know the root causes. I don't know if you've had formal counseling, but one of the first things my counselor brought up was my childhood; what it was like.

So much of the dysfunction in life and relationships is because of unmet needs. Or....needs being met via unhealthy methods....But the fact is we ALL have needs. And, we somehow strive to get those needs met...that can manifest in various ways...passive-aggressiveness, substance use/abuse, relationships, various obsessions and addictions, attention-seeking.

Let me make clear here that I don't look down on you or anyone else for these behaviors. They are what they are....it is what it is. Sometimes I see things clearly for what they are and sometimes my vision or thinking is clouded. Matter of perceptions?

You wanted attention, whether it was negative or positive. I saw the same thing with my dad toward my mom and my father-in-law toward my mother in law. Isn't it funny how we go about getting our needs met? And, sometimes we turn to substances because of that lack....

But, perhaps you're just seeing things a lot more clearly now that you've taken the alcohol haze away.

Letting go of unhealthy relationships can be very lonely...I understand...you'll feel lonely and that has an element of suffering to it, but you stand to gain something so much better...

BrendaChenowyth

My first really really strong urge to throw away my sobriety happened last night after I dropped out of that case. There was a void left and the panic set in and there was that urge to fill the void with alcohol.

Sometimes I look at my own problems with almost a clinical eye. I think professional counseling might help but I want to do it without spending the money for now.. I would hate to go and do the intake all over again (answering yes to all those have-you-ever questions makes me feel so tragically damaged lol) to get there and have someone say they aren't sure what to do for me.. yes that happens and it's enough to set me off.

BrendaChenowyth

I also had the worst insomnia I have experienced since my initial week of withdrawal! Telling.

teatreeoil007

.
You did the right thing, Brenda...dropping out of that case...and you were being honest...the honest path is sometimes the harder path...and you've been facing up to some "truths" about yourself, your motives, dysfunctional relationships, etc, etc.

Plus: doing a good job taking care of that lady is part of your self esteem and job satisfaction. That's a hard thing to give up! However, there is a bit of a conflict of interest going on...it's making you feel uncomfortable at least...living with that kind of tension isn't healthy.

The void you feel now can and will be replaced hopefully with something better for your sobriety.

Yes, with counseling there is a certain amount of "stuff" (time, energy, emotional and psychic energy)that is invested. Sometimes we just aren't up for it, I understand.

teatreeoil007

Well, part of my problem is I like to figure things out on my own. It's hard for me to trust someone else, even a professional....

BrendaChenowyth

And it brings in to my life another person that I end up projecting s*** on to. My last therapist for example was a woman not too much older than me. I wound up with a major inferiority thing with her. She was pretty and married and happy and together... I did have a therapist a long time ago who had nothing for my co-dependent self or insecure self to latch on to. I sometimes feel like I'm hopeless in terms of any sort of relationship on any level.. I think I can keep a level head about my role-relationship as a nurse as I go forward with my chosen career path.. I need to eventually start dating if I want a family.. I guess I have to just be patient as I work through these things, and life will fall in to place as it is meant to.

Edit: She might have been my age. I am in a place where I have to acknowledge that I have accomplished less than folks my age and younger, but I deny it, I just say she's a little older than me. lol

Dee74

Just as I once thought I could never get sober I thought I would never stop having co-dependent dysfunctional relationships.

It took a little time and effort, but I was wrong on both counts

D

MissPerfumado

I'm full of respect for all the work you are doing on yourself, Brenda, and the deep thinking you're doing about how things affect you.

One of the things I did learn about myself was that because I grew up with insecurity and instability, I had a fragile sense of my own self-worth. Comparisons with others were a constant. I had to learn the difference between healthy striving (trying to become a better "me") and unhealthy comparisons (feeling like I was either better or worse than others).

The thought that I am always right where I need to be, is such a comfort to me. So long as I use my experiences to grow and learn as a person, there is no right or wrong path.

teatreeoil007

I had to learn the difference between healthy striving (trying to become a better "me") and unhealthy comparisons (feeling like I was either better or worse than others).

This^^^^

An area of growth for me was when I took note of qualities in another that I wouldn't mind having more of in myself...but to not let it make me feel inferior...rather, use that to inspire. I get to make that choice. I can either feel bad about it or use it in a constructive way.

BrendaChenowyth

Boy, I wish I'd chosen a different title for my thread.. or led with the bigger underlying issues, rather than with something that would appear to be very trivial or superficial.

EndGameNYC

A good professional will help you to do that very thing.

BrendaChenowyth

My best friend has said that often times in his therapy sessions, he speaks and his therapist tells him she couldn't have said it better herself... I think, what are you paying her for?

EndGameNYC

No one truly knows what's going on in the consulting room except for the two parties who are there. Even then, there are at least two different versions or interpretations of what happened. Verbal descriptions carry with them a near-complete absence of an appreciation for the context within which the words were spoken, and for the evolution of the therapeutic relationship itself.

Taken alone, what your friend relayed to you sounds like a supportive intervention on the part of his therapist. But it could also have been many other things exclusive of or in addition to support.

What I'm more concerned with is that your comments make it seem as though you have a readiness to discount the potential value of engaging in therapy for yourself.