SoberCAH

This sounds like a terribly dangerous relationship.

I would remove myself from it whatever the monetary or familial relationship costs.

I agree with August, 25 that I am extremely judicious about the people with whom I come into contact.

For me, that includes old drinking buddies and certain members of the opposite sex.

Being careful about these matters has worked for me, along with the rest of the program of recovery that I have pursued ever since I got sober.

Berrybean

Excellent. Keeping it simple and living in the solution. Best way. Well done for taking positive action.

BrendaChenowyth

The last time I left a dementia client that I took care of regularly and for a long period of time, I found out he was calling the agency every day saying "Where's my Brenda? Why won't you people let her come back?" (not my real name) And I know my lady will miss me and ask about me.. and her nieces will likely call me. HE won't call or text, but his cousins will. I don't intend to answer. This is a job and I don't have to explain why I wanted a new assignment. Sigh.

HopeandFaith1

I have someone similar at work too. We've been friends a long time but I had confusing feelings for him that made me want to drink a lot and he drinks a lot too. I told him straight up that I quit. Last time I saw him he told me I was "boring" for not having an affair with him and I was also "boring" for not drinking any more. So be it.

I figured I'd been viewing him through rose colored glasses due to "daddy issues" just like you mentioned. A little sobriety revealed I'd been building him up a lot more than he deserved in my alcohol riddled little bird brain.

I hope now that you are moving on you won't feel so depressed over this guy. Caretakers for the elderly tend to be very special, sensitive people which might be why you are having these overwhelming feelings. I truly hope your decision brings you peace, and your continued sobriety brings you clarity. I'm glad you posted here today.

HopeandFaith1

And by the way, two months is a heck of an accomplishment. That's a lot more important than stressing over this guy, in my humble opinion. You should be really proud of yourself.

BrendaChenowyth

Yeah.. I felt so good this afternoon.. then the sun went down and it started raining and.. yeah like you said I'm very sensitive.. I miss him. I started to throw my clothes on to run out and get wine.. I didn't, cause I just thought "Sixty days? You're gonna throw that away for him?" Two months ago I would have thrown away anything to be near him. Now I guess I place a higher value on myself.

So now I'm sitting here listening to melancholy music but I'm not drinking lol

EndGameNYC

More often than not, the parts of us that have not sufficiently adapted to external reality or that have not entirely healed are attracted to their unhealthy counterparts in other people. This attraction can take many forms. Because of the underlying tension, they carry intense feelings that often manifest in sexual attraction, though they can just as easily take the form of open hatred. It's usually both, the interplay between these apparent extremes accounting for both the intensity and the longevity of this dynamic.

Been there and done that more times than I would have liked.

fini

BC,
glad you're here, sober.
this part here, though "Sixty days? You're gonna throw that away for him?" is faulty thinking, and might trick you later into thinking you're doing something stupid because it's somehow "for him". or that something is worth doing because of him.
it wouldn't be.
it would be entirely for yourself. only, of course, it would be against yourself.
now that you've taken the step to free yourself of the assignment, wouldn't want to see you get "trapped" by what might just be semantics but could also be a skewed groove of looking at things.

Sober'sBest

Stay strong BC,

Is your job a live-in position? . . I think that makes the circumstances even creepier for you. Especially a job where you can, and maybe encouraged to drink!

I'd fear the guy could drug and rape someone!

As you think you should have a gun, I'd immediately LEAVE ! Certainly get MACE asap!

If it escalates, it'll be "his word, against your's".. risking a felony conviction, and WORSE!

Take care!

Dee74

Maybe some less melancholic music might help Brenda?

D

BrendaChenowyth

This.

I grew to resent him SO much for not loving/wanting me back, that I hated him and just felt so much bitterness.. My best friend told me I should delete his phone number but a part of me is hoping he will call to see if I'm okay..

Dee74

It takes time to let go of a relationship - but the advice to delete the number is good, Brenda

D

BrendaChenowyth

Oh boy.. So the unwanted thoughts that made me rethink getting a gun.. they weren't about him.. or me..

It wasn't a live in situation, I would drive out and stay for 12 hours, 7 am to 7pm... He did say that I could stay in one of the empty bedrooms if the roads were ever bad.. So the time I "had a headache" and laid down upstairs, he noticed my car still sitting there at 7:40 and came over to check on me... Fortunately he's a functional alcoholic so he drinks at a maintenance level, gets up and drinks throughout the day while at work, so I really don't know if I have ever seen him drunk to where he would have less control of himself..


Yeah, I need some happier music on..

ScottFromWI

Happier music and maybe trying to change the subject with a book, a movie, etc might help too Brenda.

EndGameNYC

You didn't ask for advice, and you're going to do what you're going to do no matter what anyone says. But you're swimming in the dark end of the pool, and I can't see any possible way that this won't end very badly for you if continue on the course of action that's brought you to where you are.

There is no safe or useful "learning experience" available to you in the event that you take this now-secret and heavily fantasized relationship any further.

BrendaChenowyth

I know..

teatreeoil007

Some of the most dysfunctional and catastrophic relationships I've known about came to be from a "place" of vulnerability on each person's part. I found out about a much much older married man impregnating and young woman who was also married. Her marriage was in trouble. His marriage had been unfulfilling for a very long time.....likely decades. They were all good friends and the older man (and his wife) were helping the younger woman out during that time of trouble in her marriage. He was old enough to be her grandfather. The child they created was young enough to be his great grandson. But, me as my usual analytic self could see that they were both vulnerable and that was a big part of what set the whole thing in motion.

You've been vulnerable because of unmet needs in your life.

You've taken a turn for the better by quitting drinking and you can get out this situation before it sabotages your peace and sobriety. I mean, some "relationships" come and go and we get over them and don't feel the least awkward about it. ... we can see them and it's no big deal. Doesn't sound like that's the case with you though...do what's best for yourself. Yes you might have some guilty misgivings about leaving the old lady, but you have to protect yourself and put your own well being first.

Berrybean

THIS!

You and only you can keep yourself living in the solution Brenda. Nostalgia over things that are bad for us serve us no purpose at all. Whether we're romanticising alcohol or a failed relationship. It's all counterproductive and detrimental to our recovery. I hope I don't sound harsh,but as someone who realised in sobriety that I've got some codie issues as well as alcohol ones, I've learned that allowing my mind to velcro itself to these things never makes for a good day or night. Generally, fir me and many others obsessing and compulsive thoughts and actions really do me no favours. As time went by I started recognising these for what they were and working my program to overcome them.

Stick to your decision and your resolve fir going no contact with the family. There are plenty of down sides to working through agencies. However, at the moment you can be grateful for oneof the few plusses it offers. Ie distance and the fact that you are not responsible for any individual client.

Maybe to counteract negativity you could write down for yourself what this experience has taught you,and what you resolve to do in order that you don't find yourself in this situation again .

And remember, just because your AV starts on whining and cajoling just because it thinks it's found a weak spot,doesn't mean that you have to go listening to the little gremlin.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Ps why not have a listen to some crowder. Run Devil Run springs to mind. Or Keep Me. Xx

MissPerfumado

I was in a dysfunctional relationship when I got sober and I walked away from the relationship at the same time I stopped drinking. It hurts when you miss someone no matter how dysfunctional the attachment is. I know. I get it.

Unholy, all-consuming, unremitting attachment. Trust me, I do get it.

But the attachment IS dysfunctional. And more importantly, you're allowing it to compromise your sobriety.

This is about you. Your sobriety. Your health. Your life. Your future. This is more important than anything else.

There is not a man on this planet that should come between you and your sobriety.

Sixty days' sobriety is an awesome achievement. But it is just the tip of the iceberg, just the very start of your fantastic future that does not have any place for this man in it.

SoberCAH

I avoid relationships which are toxic and dysfunctional.

They have no place in my world.

That simplifies things.