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MattM316 10-16-2016 01:36 AM

Guilt About Avoiding Extended Family
 
My cousin is having an 18th birthday get together today, her Dad invited me and my parents along as always.
Now I used to see her Dad all the time, pretty much on a weekly basis, but in the past two or three years when my alcohol issues really hit, I've hardly seen him.
I get it, people have their own lives etc, and it's not really a problem for me.
A few people I thought were friends also 'disappeared' over this period, so it's to be expected.

But I decided not to go to this party.
I just don't feel ready to be around a load of family members and friends of the family who I haven't seen in ages.
They are all aware of the issues I've had and I know I'd be getting questioned about it all etc.
Also I'm currently looking for a new job so they'd be asking about that.
I think if I was settled in a new job then I'd go, because I'd feel more confident, but at this time I just don't feel ready for it mentally or physically.

Is this a bad thing and does it make me selfish?
My parents are cool with it, I just spoke to my Mum and said I wasn't ready and when the family ask where I am to just tell them I have a friend over or something.

Things like this, just thinking about them and going over them in my head, make me anxious tho. I often worry about what other people will think and that's something I need to rid my mind of.

Mags1 10-16-2016 01:58 AM

Hi Matt M, no it isn't awful to not go to the party!

It's your decision, I too used to analyse everything, but it does no good! I read on this forum once 'What people think of me isn't my business'. We can't stop anyone thinking what they want so concentrate on yourself and your new job.

Dee74 10-16-2016 02:23 AM

It got to a point where I had to choose between, essentially, people pleasing or being an advocate for my own health and well being.

I chose the latter :)

D

MattM316 10-16-2016 02:27 AM


Originally Posted by Dee74 (Post 6175459)
It got to a point where I had to choose between, essentially, people pleasing or being an advocate for my own health and well being.

I chose the latter :)

D


Yeah that's what I've decided.

I worry a lot and get anxious a lot tho.
I think the anxiety is all part of the alcohol issues I've had, but I've always been a worrier.
And that's the worst thing - alcohol stops the anxiety and the worry. Until it wears off of course, and then it gets even worse!

Loekken 10-16-2016 04:27 AM

I've been doing exactly the same for a number of years now. I simply don't show up. And with regards to this, I feel comfortable with the fact that it doesn't bother me what they think of it. As you point out, maybe that's where you need to get to as well - not being so very concerned of what others actually think of you/ your actions/ lack of actions. It's not selfish, it's attending to your own needs.

steve-in-kville 10-16-2016 04:28 AM


Originally Posted by Dee74 (Post 6175459)
It got to a point where I had to choose between, essentially, people pleasing or being an advocate for my own health and well being.

I chose the latter :)

D

This is the stage I'm at in my own sobriety right now. Its a tough road at times.

BrendaChenowyth 10-16-2016 06:14 AM

We have to start facing unpleasant feelings, and finding out that they won't really hurt us. We drink to numb the feelings we don't want to feel, we keep our back to the world, avoid interactions with other people, and just stay drunk instead. We get over the need to do that by learning that we can live without it.

They ask you if you have a job yet, you say no, you're still looking, the conversation moves on, unless they have some suggestions because they want to help... To be honest, the feeling of judgment you get, comes from within you, not from them.

We can't keep closing ourselves off from family. Those people aren't going to be around forever. We don't want to find out they're gone and know that the last time we were given an opportunity to see them we decided to stay away because we had some reservations about what they would think of us.

I drove two hours yesterday to go to my niece's 9th birthday party. It was noon and I didn't work til 5: 30 so I had time.. I didn't really know many people, just my niece and my brother and his wife and her mom.. the latter two were the only ones that were thrilled I came. My niece wanted to play with her friend, and my brother who has a lot of issues was not even in the room for cake and presents. He probably doesn't even have the social awareness to think anything of the fact that I drove two hours just to make an appearance at a family gathering. My sister in law's mom asked me what I was up to (that's what you do when you haven't seen someone) and I said working and getting ready to go back to school. I didn't feel guilt because I have a low paying job, am re-enrolling in school after dropping out twice and I currently live with my mother.

steve-in-kville 10-16-2016 06:44 AM


Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth (Post 6175595)
To be honest, the feeling of judgment you get, comes from within you, not from them.

I agree with this.... to a point. My wife has some immediate as well as extended family that are just naturally judgemental, like to a point its over-the-top amusing. I've had to leave the table at family dinners because I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna choke on my food. No joke.

BrendaChenowyth 10-16-2016 07:05 AM

I guess for me... I just have this really standoffish family where no one wants to go to the trouble of reaching out... Like I missed out on saying goodbye to my grandfather because my mother thought I wouldn't want to bother to drive and I had to work the next day... So she called me the next day at work and I felt bad I hadn't gotten to be there... She kept a cancer diagnosis to herself until she hit remission, because she didn't think I would want to be burdened... I was left with an inconsolable helpless feeling because while I couldn't have done anything about the cancer either way, had I known about it I could have at least been there, brought her snacks and helped take her mind off it, you know? I just hate the thought of wasting any more time keeping a distance from loved ones and if I hadn't gotten sober I really wouldn't have given a damn. Yesterday when I left my niece's house, her Nunna gave me a hug and said "I know you try to make it down"... seemed kind of like a dig, almost.. but she comes from an Italian family that never questioned making the effort.

MattM316 10-16-2016 07:18 AM


Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth (Post 6175595)
We have to start facing unpleasant feelings, and finding out that they won't really hurt us. We drink to numb the feelings we don't want to feel, we keep our back to the world, avoid interactions with other people, and just stay drunk instead. We get over the need to do that by learning that we can live without it.

They ask you if you have a job yet, you say no, you're still looking, the conversation moves on, unless they have some suggestions because they want to help... To be honest, the feeling of judgment you get, comes from within you, not from them.

We can't keep closing ourselves off from family. Those people aren't going to be around forever. We don't want to find out they're gone and know that the last time we were given an opportunity to see them we decided to stay away because we had some reservations about what they would think of us.


I'm super close to my parents and they live literally five minutes away from me. Without wanting to sound harsh or unfeeling, they're the only people in my family who I would say I truly care about.
I was super close to my Grandparents on my mum's side too but they both died in the past five years which is something I'm still not sure I've come to terms with if I sit and think about it.
I'm an only child so for me so was basically treated as a son by my Grandparents.
I enjoy being on my own for the most part. When my friends come over for the weekend, after the second day I can't wait for them to leave!

But at the moment I'm just not in the right frame of mind to go to a family party and be drilled with questions and awkward non-questions about the issues I've had etc.
I know when I get settled in a new job etc then that will change, because when I'm settled I have much more of a "couldn't give a toss what people think" attitude.

Berrybean 10-16-2016 09:42 PM

I think the times I was selfish were when I put my own wantsover other people's needs.

Sounds like you are protecting sobriety, not being selfish. You are putting your needs over other people's wants. I reckon that's pretty sensible at the moment, and in the longer term your family and other people who loves you will benefit from you having a strong recovery.

Seeing everyone at once wouldn't be comfortable for you at the moment. I suppose if there is a compromise to be had, it might be that you arrange to see some of the family you're closest with in a non-threatening situation some time soon after the party. Also, a birthday card and gift for the 18th birthday sent in a timely fashion should reassure that you're not dismissing their celebration.

Fluffer 10-16-2016 11:26 PM


Originally Posted by MattM316 (Post 6175462)
Yeah that's what I've decided.

I worry a lot and get anxious a lot tho.
I think the anxiety is all part of the alcohol issues I've had, but I've always been a worrier.
And that's the worst thing - alcohol stops the anxiety and the worry. Until it wears off of course, and then it gets even worse!

No doubt. Alcohol messes with your nervous system and makes you a nervous wreck and destroys your self-confidence. The more sober time that passes, the better you will feel. Then you can start building your way back with positive steps like getting a job that will keep increasing your confidence and feeding the virtuous circle.

MattM316 10-17-2016 04:43 AM


Originally Posted by Berrybean (Post 6176396)
I think the times I was selfish were when I put my own wantsover other people's needs.

Sounds like you are protecting sobriety, not being selfish. You are putting your needs over other people's wants. I reckon that's pretty sensible at the moment, and in the longer term your family and other people who loves you will benefit from you having a strong recovery.

Seeing everyone at once wouldn't be comfortable for you at the moment. I suppose if there is a compromise to be had, it might be that you arrange to see some of the family you're closest with in a non-threatening situation some time soon after the party. Also, a birthday card and gift for the 18th birthday sent in a timely fashion should reassure that you're not dismissing their celebration.


Yeah well, with my extended family I used to see them a lot.
I used to look after my cousin when she was a baby and a little girl, went on holiday with them etc, but as everyone got older we just drifted apart, as you do.

I do think her Dad (so, my cousin too) has kept his distance since my problems so that irks me a little bit I suppose but not massively.

But anyway, I'm thankful I am very close to my parents who have been there 100% over the past few years even tho I've constantly let them down.
All the more reason to try and finally beat it this time!

FreeSoul89 10-30-2016 10:11 PM

Right now you need to what is best for you. It might be hard for some family members to understand that but you can't let it get to you. Wait until the time is right for you.


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