Angel16

This is my first post on here. I think I'm mainly looking for some guidance, and for the love of god not any judgement please. I'm 20 years old and my (ex?) boyfriend is in his 30s. I knew from the start that the age difference would be an issue but he was so charming and fun that I figured age was "just a number" but as the months went on certain things became more apparent to me. He would drink very regularly, but being in college and having my last bf (my age) do the same, as dumb as it sounds I didn't see the red flags that someone of his age should not be getting drunk in the Walmart parking lot on a Wednesday night. I'm 75% sure I was dissociating myself for a while due to some really stressful events going on. It seems like I just woke up one morning to him pouring the vodka in a glass while I still had crust in my eyes. How could I get to the point with him to where he was so comfortable doing this to himself in front of me like this. He would frequently joke around about his alcoholism and explain that it would be over soon. As the child of two addicts my intuition told me to run, but being the child of two addicts also made me believe that I was to love him unconditionally. Eventually, after months of relative peacefulness things began to get rocky. Whenever I went out it was an issue, to the point where I would avoid it all together to save myself the headache. That's when I began to realize this was a bad idea. But just recently my eyes opened to something even more disturbing than him expecting me to be ok with his alcoholism, driving drunk with me, controlling my actions. I didn't know there was a term for it prior to about a week ago, but I now realize I was (still possibly am) the victim to gas lighting. I am rather quirky, not to be totally annoying but it's been apparent my whole life and I think that's why this happened so gradually and I fell right for it. Other boyfriends would casually joke about me being "crazy" and it didn't really bother me. But with him every time I tried to express my feelings (especially if they regarded his alcoholism, constantly falling asleep, being late, disappearing) I had to fight tooth and nail for any validation, and being silenced so many times would make me enraged and it would be a cycle, "oh you're just being crazy again". And sometimes I would believe it, and be grateful that he would accept me as I am. sick right? It has now advanced to him completely denying that events took place, fights mainly. I used to sum it up to him having a bad memory because of the alcohol/prescription pill abuse. Recently however it's gotten pretty out of control, him insisting we had certain conversations (me agreeing to things I didn't) and when I refute he swears I'm "so far gone" and "out of my mind". This is all happening after trying and failing to end the relationship. I tried, he was enraged, then sad, confused, and finally begged and I gave in. I need to get out of this toxic relationship before I end up going crazy from being told I am near every day. The problem is that he basically doesn't take no for an answer as well as morphes into a whole different person and it sucks me in. He acts like his addiction isn't a viable reason to not want to stay with him, he acts like I'm the one with all the issues. I don't want to be codependent on him but being so much younger than him our relationship is quite paternal and he makes me feel like I can't be on my own. Can someone give me some honest advice, I can't go to my friends because they have no idea what this is like.

MyLoves

Hounesrly - get into theray. You need it. It will be tough but in the end the best thing you ever did.

Purpleskye

Alcoholics are pawns of the disease until they can take back control or, as some view it, relinquish control. He wasn't comfortable in front of you to be doing it, that's just how alcoholics are. Yes some hide their disease, but he seems more in party destruction mode than functioning alcoholic.
Therapy might be a good idea if you can't go to your friends or family, because what he needs is medical help and what you need is support. Emotionally, it's even more difficult for you because you naturally feel he's the one in a position for you to lean on, and he's clearly not fulfilling that.
But most of all, you need to keep yourself safe. He has to want to help himself, no matter how much you want it for him. So in the meantime, you take care of you. It sounds as though he is approaching levels that may put you in danger of serious abuse, and while that wouldn't be limited to physical abuse it could certainly develop. They don't always have to tell you not to see your friends and not to go out in order to be dangerously controlling. Individuals in that mindset see that by using a certain behavior, they can train their significant other without ever having to actually give the command.
You are stronger than that. You are not responsible for repairing him, either. You can always support him, but from a distance, which you described as being around two addicts growing up and loving them unconditionally. You know to take the exit, but you have to realize in no way does that mean you don't care about him. Believe in your strength. You came here to seek opinions, and that was a very strong and a step in the right direction. I hope this helps in some way

Jeni26

Welcome to SR, it's good to have you with us, although I'm sorry for the circumstances which bring you here.

I'm an alcoholic. That means basically that alcohol came before anything else, even my kids whom I love more than anything else in this world. I would lie, cheat and manipulate in order to feed my habit.

I'm very wary of commenting on anyone's relationship, but from an outside point of view this seems so toxic for you and I would urge you to move on with your life.

You are the same age as my daughter, and she is just setting out on her independent life. You have your whole future ahead of you and being with someone who brings you down and is manipulating you isn't where you need to be.

We have a forum for friends and families of alcoholics here on SR, and I'm sure they would be happy to share their experience with you.

Keep posting Angel, we all understand here ❤️

Angel16

Thank you. That honestly made me tear up a little! I'm going to look into therapy, things like that are hard for me living without my parents but I know it will be worth it. I am just ashamed of things I momentarily went blind to. The shaking, sweating, throwing up & nodding out that I am very familiar with but turned a blind eye because it was this thing he ate, or this injury from work. I feel very naive, something I think I need to work on.

Angel16

Thank you for that insight 💓 I have always been so independent, given certain circumstances in life and that is why I feel so blind sided by this, how I enabled someone to control me because he can't control his own life I'm assuming. He always says to me "I know I'm not perfect but for you I try" and things like that are how I get sucked in. I am trying my best to detach. But the problem is that he is either saturating me with love and happy, or suspicious and irritable, or completely checked out and when he's not the last two I seem to erase the bad.I need to get out of the relationship but every time I try he acts like certain things didn't happen, or I'm doing it for no reason "ruining something perfectly fine". I don't know how to completely shut things down in a way that won't trigger the suicide threat, or stalking.

Jeni26

Threatening suicide to keep you, or stalking you, is not love.

He is probably incapable of giving you the love you deserve as he is lost in his addiction. Have you looked into Al-Anon at all? I have been to meetings which have really helped me. You need some love and care right now rather than having to walk on eggshells according to what mood he is in.

I also think you would benefit from some counselling, I don't know if that's an option for you?

Angel16

I'm not really sure how to go about the whole counseling/therapy thing. I could of course do some googling but I'm also kind of embarrassed bringing this up to my mom, which I'm assuming would be inevitable if I had to use her insurance to pay for it.

Ken33xx

Get out of the relationship. The sooner the better.

It`s a disaster.

doggonecarl

Imagine what someone who had your best interests at heart, like your parents, would advise. Are you imagining what they would say to a loved one?

Now take that advice.

tomsteve

im a recovering alcoholic and what you describe reads like what I used to be.
I didn't have relationships. I took hostages. I set a ransom and when the ransom was met id up it.
the absolute best move any women that was in a relationship with me ever made was to kick my ass to the curb. stick around me and I was going to drag them down with me and I was going to a very dark and dismal place with nothing but gloom, despair, and agony.
imo, get out ASAP.
you didn't cause it.
you cant control it.
you cant cure it.

ya don't deserve to be treated like that.

please take note the site here has a friends and family of alcoholics forum that's pretty darn awesome.

HelenofTroy

Look up your local women's shelter. They will have counselors on staff that can help you sort this out.

And while I don't know your relationship with your mom, she may be able to offer just the emotional support you need if you are able to talk to her about this.

GhostFace

I don't have alot of experience on relationships but you are still young and have alot more living to do. I was once in a situation with a female that was older than me and she would put me down because i was young, had no kids and just couldn't understand her. Needless to say she was 9 years older than me, has kids and been through two divorce.

Some people will try to put you down. It's best to know your self worth and if something is not working out, just let it go.

Dee74

You've gotten some great advice here Angel.

You're young and I believe you deserve better than this - maybe go talk to your mom anyway?

D

AAPJ

Well you are asking the right folks. Many of us used to be like him - or worse. The age difference isn't the problem it's his behavior that is unacceptable.

If your description of the situation is accurate I think its best for you to leave this relationship as quickly as possible.

gaffo

I'm so sorry to hear this sad story, and sorry that it sounds so familiar. This guy is like a vampire in your life, stealing so much of the young adulthood that you only get once in this life. Please, don't walk, RUN! Get out now, and know that you deserve much better than this.

Purpleskye

Forget all the things alcohol does to us, love sometimes makes us do even crazier things! You were not naive at all. These things can catch a person off guard very easily, and suddenly becomes the norm for so long that it usually takes something major to snap you out of it. It was a learning experience. He's gotten you to think less of yourself right off the bat, and that may be a hard habit to break but you clearly have it in you to rise above that emotional damage. Friends, family, therapy, and even us internetters will help you to see your own worth in yourself. Sorry for the added tears - some of us just know what all that's like from the inside anytime you need help, don't hesitate to ask us if you're uncomfortable asking elsewhere. And I'd very much like to keep up with your story as it unfolds in a more positive direction, as I'm sure it will!

I just wanted to outline this as another example of a controlling behavior - not a loving behavior. The heartfelt "I can't live without you" should not and does not come attached to anyone's death or harm. With his need for control, these statements can lead to very dangerous behavior very quickly. Nobody wants that for you!

It won't be easy, these types of relationships get intertwined with everything, often on purpose so that the controller can say you have nothing without them. But that seemingly huge hole in your heart and life will fill up again, and quickly! It can be intimidating to think about now, but you can do it. We can also hope that this man gets the help he needs, and fast.

Mountainmanbob

Best to take care of yourself and (only) yourself at this time.
Truthfully -- sounds like he is on the road to destruction.
You need not join him on this journey.
A drunken addict is like a spinning top -- soon to be out of control.

M-Bob

EndGameNYC

Monitoring and then controlling another person's activities is a cardinal "symptom" of abuse, particularly male abuse. This also signals ongoing rage born of virulent self-hatred, no matter how well he seems to hide it when he's losing his grip on you. These are the only things he has to offer. Suicidal threats are also par for the course. Forget about his feelings.; they're limited to rage and fear.

As safely as you can, try to find a support group for women in abusive relationships, even if you do start counseling.

I hate to be another man telling you what you should do, but it's important that you start focusing on protecting yourself. The man is pure evil.

StormiNormi

It won't be easy, these types of relationships get intertwined with everything, often on purpose so that the controller can say you have nothing without them. But that seemingly huge hole in your heart and life will fill up again, and quickly! It can be intimidating to think about now, but you can do it. We can also hope that this man gets the help he needs, and fast

Well said PurpleSky. Exactly