Help and Support Needed
 

To all,
This is my first time that I have posted to the forum. I have been reading many many articles over the last several months. I am married to a full blown alcoholic / benzo pill mixer. I really don't know how we got here in our marriage. We have known each other and dated for 9 years and have been married 3. I know she had addiction problems to Xanax in her younger years. I have been feeling a slow detachment from her over the past 9 months....and it has gradually became more and more my fault in her eyes. We have a 3 year old girl. She has been hiding the drinking for at least a year. She is too a point that if she stops she gets shakes and convulsions.....her liver enzymes are thru the rood. Passing out early around the house...little to know interaction with our daughter....no help with the daily routine. Everything came to a head a few weeks ago when I found bottles of alcohol shoved up under the car seat. Mini bottles of alcohol stashed around the house in the most odd locations. Makeup cases....shoe boxes....wedding dress bag. It's just insane. So I staged an intervention with her family last week in which I got screamed at I'm f'n leaving you, I hate you.... etc. I'm losing my mind watching this happen to the one I love. The hardest thing to accept is the fact she has drove our daughter around for months on end drunk. We had a $2000 grocery store bill this month !!!!

I also know shes going out for drinks......meeting and talking with other men ... in the mean time I'm taking care of our daughter. She lies about here whereabouts....who she is with..... This is sooooo destructive to our family. I refuse to raise our daughter in a dysfunctional situation. She has admitted she has a problem but I know in my hearty she has stepped out on me in the marriage. Just meeting men secretly is cheating in my eyes. I know for fact of at least 3 guys she''s talking too and has met up with them for drinking and partying. How does somebody put this ahead of their children ???? I overheard her and her gf talking about her getting sober to divorce me and take our child. Saying she cant do it right now because she's drunk all the time. I don't know what to believe anymore.......I don't know up from down .....is it the alcohol talking or is it truth. I feel they are scheming against me. I've had all the classic lies to cover up her drinking.... "I cut way back this weekend" (yet she went out until 3am). I have started to investigate her lies (I wont disclose the methods) she changes the topic and said she stayed at home. I've taken many actions to protect myself to find out when's shes lying. It's lie after lie after lie. In some moments at home I feel she genuinely wants to get help and fix things in our marriage but she bounces right back to lies. Receiving texts from other men at night.

Welcome to SR sam and sorry to hear about all your troubles. In almost every case it is the alcohol and the drugs talking, and she will most likely deny everything - that's very typical addict behavior unfortunately.

At this point if she is physically a threat to your daughter ( drunk driving, etc ) you may want to consider contacting local authorities. If you've already confronted her and she still wont' seek help via rehab or detox on her own volition, being committed involuntarily may be the only possible solution.

Welcome and may I suggest you check out an Al-anon meeting?

ScottFromWI

I have already started the process of divorce and i'm waiting for an emergency injunction to have her rights removed from the child. Just last night she was having a breakdown holding her. My daughter rejected her on something and she just started balling. In my heart I know how I was brought up in a loving and functional family.....I cannot accept this behavior and condone it from the one I love. All I can say is this is a tolling a brutal process to accept that someone is cheating and their actions show they no longer care about themselves , others around them including the ones they love. First and foremost I need to protect my daughter, myself and my financial future. She will ruin me continuing down this path.

Again, very sorry to hear of your situation Sam. The suggestion to seek help for yourself and your daughter via Al-Anon or Narc-Anon is a good one. We also have a friends and family section here on the site that you may want to read as well, unfortunately a lot of people have gone through similar situations to yours.

Always remember though that addiction is a tremendously selfish affliction - so while your wife may try and blame you and others for her choice to use, it's not your fault in the least. And deep down inside her there is still a sober person...but it's going to be up to her to decide if she wants that person to come back out.

If you already in the divorce process and seeking an emergency injunction I'd stay in close contact with whichever authorities are handling that. And notify them ( or the police directly ) if she does actually engage in destructive or harmful behavior against you or even on her own ( drunk driving, etc ). Keep you and your daughter safe at all costs, she will see your efforts to do so and in the long run remember them.

10 Years of my life flushed down the toilet over the last 8 months of progressive abuse. As everyone says on this board.....I cant control her.....cure her....and I sure has hell didn't cause this. She is absolutely out of control and I can't believe a single word that comes out of her mouth. I need to stabilize my self and daughter.

I'm glad you realize that. I cannot imagine the resentment and anger you must feel towards your wife, but your statement above is tantamount to all of the rest. And remember that it's perfectly acceptable to admit that you cannot do it on your own - seek help wherever you can find it.

I have to realize the destructive path that's in front of me. It's hard not to take these things personal......I try to keep telling myself it's the disease. I signed up for better or worse in the marriage but there is a level of self respect in all of this. There is also my expectations of a spouse that are not being met especially with a young child. I want her to get help and be a part of her child's life. I refuse to expose my daughter to danger and dysfunction. I've had many people tell me get her help and stand by her and wait. The problem is just like everything I have read in this this forum.....how long do you wait.....how long do you take the abuse until you realize it's not my problem to fix.

I have support from my brother, sister-in law and parents.
They are all telling me that I'm making the right choice for my family.
Part of me feels like I'm bailing on someone of 10 years.

It sounds to me like you've already taken just about every legal step you can to improve the situation for yourself and your daughter through starting the divorce and custody process. So in a sense you have already moved on and aren't waiting for anything in that respect.

In regards to how long you should wait for your wife to fix her problem, she may never fix it. That is something you'll need to learn to accept and groups/therapy/etc can help. So instead of waiting for something that might never happen, you need to focus your energy on the things you can control. Like taking care of yourself and your daughter.

It is still very hard to accept how fast all of this is happening. The person I loved and enjoyed time with for 10 years has turned into this lying and manipulating monster. Its almost like a "f it" I don't care about anything attitude. I was so busy taking care of our child the past 4-6 months I missed all the lies and deception.

My wife told me she has severe shakes if she stops.....people are tell me if you have shakes than the problem is major. This has been built up over a long period of time. Her liver enzymes are also thru the roof.....which I now believe is alcohol hepatitis.

Yes, it is difficult to accept. As an addict myself I can also tell you it was very difficult for me to accept my addiction. That's not an excuse for the things I did while I was drinking, but a indicator of how illogical addiction really is. And you aren't alone at all in missing the warning signs. Especially with someone we love it's our first response to be caring and err on the side of loving/helping rather than blaming. AKA - we overlook a LOT of things.

This is also common in late-stage addiction, usually brought on by physical addiction. That's why if she does decide to quit most likely she'll need medical supervision. The withdrawal process can become dangerous, even life threatening in rare cases. Since you know what her liver enzymes are measuring, I'm assuming she's been to a doctor recently that's aware of the drinking?

Liver enzymes are over 300.
I know the drinking hasn't stopped but she told everyone they have dropped in half. I have talked to medical experts and the only way for these enzymes to drop is stop drinking.

I don't disagree, but I do have one question, given what you've disclosed.

Is your wife aware that you are planning to leave, and what the consequences could be if she doesn't stop drinking? Staying with her daughter may provide the impetus necessary for her to detoxify and quit drinking.

In her delusional state, your wife may believe she can have it both ways -- the family and the drinking. Consider offering her a choice.

This is different from an intervention.

But she screamed at me for divorce in the other intervention.

Hi and welcome Sam, it really hurts to read your story. You sound like a mature responsible adult and are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

Also, you did not "waste" 9 years of your life, its part of your life, but we need to own it and learn and build upon it (in my opinion).

She's an addict and not acting rationally. Especially when confronted, denial and lashing out against others is very common. If you've made the decision to move on and are proceeding with the emergency custody situation and divorce as you say, you can probably expect more of the same from her. Addicts are masters of the blame game.

Yes, I saw that, but you also wrote that she is thinking that she can get sober to keep her daughter. I can assume with some confidence that means to get sober temporarily, just long enough to get custody, and then to keep drinking.

Interventions are emotional, and can bring out anger, but they lack teeth. She's not going to stop if she thinks she can get away with the drinking. I won't say it's a disease, but it certainly feels very compelling when in the thick of it. The thinking is not exactly clear.

By offering a clear-cut choice, with no grey area, it may not seem so compelling anymore. She may snap out of it and choose to detox and stop. If she chooses the alcohol, it may at least serve to assuage your conscience about abandoning her. You can make preparations either way, which you seem to be doing already.

This is just a thought, a middle ground option between two extremes. Emotional appeals as in an intervention did not work in my case. Something was missing to get through to me. It is not my family at stake, though, and ultimately up to you.

I wish you well, considering a child is in the middle of it.

Sam I feel for ya man. Sounds like she's a full blown alcoholic and the only thing that will become of this is death and destruction if she doesn't stop. Get your daughter out now. Don't feel bad for leaving you're wife. You have to do this for your daughter.
This disease is insidious, it affects everyone involved. The mind will choose this poison over loved ones every time. Without exception. My prayers are with you and your family sam. I hope she's quits before it's too late.