stepaver14

My husband and I have been together for over 2 years. He is one year sober. Before this year of sobriety, he struggled with his alcoholism. It finally got to a point that he was in jeopardy of losing his family and children. When he became serious about getting sober, I made the decision to not drink around him either. So for the past year, I haven't had a drink around him. If I go out with girlfriends, I'll have a drink.

He has recently told me that I can drink around him as long as I'm not getting drunk. As much as I do miss my nightly glass of wine, I still feel uncomfortable drinking around him. He says that he appreciates me taking the plunge with him through his first year and not drinking. But he says he feels that I should be able to drink around him without it tempting him. How do others who have been in this situation feel? I feel really uncomfortable leaving alcohol in the house. I do not want to jeopardize his sobriety. I've never been in a situation like this and I'm not sure how to proceed.

ScottFromWI

I think it's a very gracious gesture on your part to abstain in his presence. Perhaps you can just let him know that you actually feel more comfortable and prefer to not keep alcohol in the house?

stepaver14

Yeah, I tried that. And it's not the he isn't accepting of me saying that. He just feels like I don't trust him enough for it to be present. I have recently started to think about attending al-anon because of my father, my uncles, my husband, and my sister. I feel it'll help. And maybe this is something that they can help me understand a little bit better.

ScottFromWI

I think that sounds like a good idea( attending Al-Anon) . And I could certainly understand the trust factor. But I think you are approaching it in a very smart manner - bringing home alcohol for yourself just to somehow affect his sense of trust is not a good idea at all in my book.

entropy1964

Like Scott said it is very supportive of you not to drink around him. And if it were me, I would prefer my partner not drink and not have alcohol in the house.

I have done exactly what your husband is doing. I have said 'please drink, it doesn't bother me'. And I believed that. But I think I was in denial.

If you are uncomfortable drinking around him just tell him you like not drinking. It is your preference for you. If you choose to drink, you will but he doesn't need to feel ownership for your choice. Just my opinion.

stepaver14

ScottFromWI

Thank you for your response. I know he will understand. It's weird. He's the one with the disease and I'm the one that isn't ready. Lol

stepaver14

This is what I'm afraid of - Him being in denial. Him thinking that it will be okay then the next time we get into an argument, he go straight to the bottle. Maybe it does come down to not trusting him yet. A year is a long time for normal people. But it's a very short time for an addict in the aspect of sobriety.. I know this from experience with so many relatives. It's honorable to be sober for a year and it's certainly praise worthy. But I don't know if I can fully say in the year that I have been able to fully be able to trust him yet.

He says that when he went to Chicago for a work trip and that everyone was drinking around him at social gatherings and dinner. He says that it was a true test of if was able to turn from the temptation. And he said all it did was remind why he doesn't drink anymore.

One year of sobriety for him down. A lifetime to go. And I don't want to be the reason he relapses. I know if he's going to, he's going to do it without my help. But I dont want to make anything harder on him by keeping it in the house. Maybe one day i'll be ready.

ScottFromWI

He may be the one with the disease, but it's something that affects you and everyone around you. Just like cancer or mental illness or anything else really I don't know that anyone is ever "ready" for it. It sounds to me like you are being very proactive and supportive, which is all you can really do.

sugarbear1

I'd get to Al Anon and work those steps. Could be a real eye opener for you!

jojo82

Do your best to offer dignity.

The door to Al Anon is open.

Maudcat

My husband was a "normal " drinker; I was the one who needed to change because alcohol was in control, not me. Like you, my spouse stopped drinking the day I did. I shall be forever grateful for this gesture. We are still non-drinkers, 3 years later, and I am very happy about that. i would be uneasy having alcohol in the house again. Just my two cents.

Smarie78

I just posted a similar thread about a week ago. I was a regular drinker before I met my Abf. I was a daily wine drinker (not to excess, just a glass), and a big fan of craft beer. While I gave this up for him, he insisted I made it worse not drinking in front of him because it made him feel more uncomfortable being "different". So I met him halfway and still refused to drink or keep alcohol in the house that was mine, but which he frequented daily. When we went out I would have one or two only sometimes, but even with that I felt uneasy and awkward. His Alcoholism has progressed and he is spending more time off the wagon than on so I have stopped completely, even when we are out.

It's a big sacrifice for us normal folk whom are regular drinkers, but it depends on how much you are willng to support your partner. I will however say that, even with me holding back from my own drinking, my Abf fell off the wagon anyways. My drinking didn't stop it or help much at all. If your A is committed to recovery, he will be honest with you and himself on what will or won't help him. If he isn't, he will tell you to go ahead and drink so he could do the same.

jojo82

Thank you so much for this. My life changed the moment I saw that I was the problem and not her. She has always loved alcohol.


Jojo

JeffreyAK

It's really your choice if you don't want alcohol in the house, and if he thinks it's because you don't trust him, you might simply say you don't want to be reminded of those bad times.

Me, I've had the opposite understanding with my wife, no alcohol in the house ever. I don't want to be reminded of those bad times. If she drinks, it's a glass of wine with her mom or with her co-workers, but it's never in the house and it's never around me. My home has to always remain a safe zone, with no drinking allowed.

zjw

my wife wont drink in the house or bring it in the house etc.. out of respect for me. I really dont mind tho either if she brought it in the house and drank.

BUT

BUT

I also know how my wife drinks she'd buy a bottle of wine have a glass and then the bottle would sit in that fridge open for months.... stareing at me etc.. ANdf ya know I dont think i'd touch it I really dont. But I also know i'd probably obsess about it and at the very least think about it.

So i'm glad my wife doesnt drink in the house or bring it around me now if she consumed what she was planning to purchase within a few days my tune might be different but then again i might get annoyed smelling it on her breathe or something I dunno.

dwtbd

I don't think you have to trust him, until you do, if and when you do.

My wife drinks wine , when I quit we had a conversation about alcohol in the house and I decided that I wasn't going to let anyone else's drinking affect mine( or lack thereof). I don't know really if it made harder or not, the beginning was difficult and I suspect would have been the same either way. I think within the first few months I had no problems picking up wine for her and beer for my son or guests while running errands.

Thinking back on it now , we never really had that conversation on any of the "other" times I announced I was "quitting". I think maybe she sensed something about this last and final time , I know I did.

Trust you instincts , and always be ready to be pleasantly surprised

LadyBug66

My husband drinks just about every day. He's even asked me to pick up beer for him. I would prefer he didn't drink but I don't feel it really affects my sobriety. He drinks beer, my weekness is wine or vodka.

SoberCAH

You're doing the right thing, plain and simple.

My wife drank wine while she was cooking or when she went out to dinner before we got married.

Now, she may have a glass of wine or a beer once or twice a year at most, but only if she is out with other people.

At this point after 11 years of marriage, she doesn't even miss it.

MIRecovery

Would you keep a jar of peanuts around if someone in your house would have a fatal reaction to them?

I have a dry house and always will

Outonthetiles

Don't drink around him, and maybe you should think about stopping altogether.