Drinking around alcoholic husband?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Thailand
Posts: 6,594
My family generously offered to change their behavior when I was getting sober. I declined, it was my problem not theirs, and nothing they could say or do would have any impact on whether I got sober or not.
Part of the picture would be what you husband is doing for his recovery. In my experience the type of program will have a bearing on the outcome. I.e. Will the person continue to live in fear of alcohol, or will they get complete freedom from the influence of alcohol.
Fear might say that we can't be around drinkers, we have to hide from alcohol, but alcohol is part of life, and unless we want to isolate socially because our friends might drink, we need a better basis for ou r sobriety. Though not drinking, I.f alcohol or the presence of influences where you can go or what you can do, then perhaps the suffere still has an alcoholic mind.
Conversely, the AA program suggests that we should not ask our loved ones and friends to change their behavior because we no longer drink. We explain why we don't drink, our friends usually understand, and we can meet the conditions of the main stream of life without problems. There is no need to withdraw from life.
If your husband is sober through the AA program, then he is not breaking any rules, just following suggestions. It probably should be a joint decision. If you like a dry house for its own sake, how could he object? On the other hand, he may just be saying you don't need to sacrifice your enjoyment on his account.
Part of the picture would be what you husband is doing for his recovery. In my experience the type of program will have a bearing on the outcome. I.e. Will the person continue to live in fear of alcohol, or will they get complete freedom from the influence of alcohol.
Fear might say that we can't be around drinkers, we have to hide from alcohol, but alcohol is part of life, and unless we want to isolate socially because our friends might drink, we need a better basis for ou r sobriety. Though not drinking, I.f alcohol or the presence of influences where you can go or what you can do, then perhaps the suffere still has an alcoholic mind.
Conversely, the AA program suggests that we should not ask our loved ones and friends to change their behavior because we no longer drink. We explain why we don't drink, our friends usually understand, and we can meet the conditions of the main stream of life without problems. There is no need to withdraw from life.
If your husband is sober through the AA program, then he is not breaking any rules, just following suggestions. It probably should be a joint decision. If you like a dry house for its own sake, how could he object? On the other hand, he may just be saying you don't need to sacrifice your enjoyment on his account.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by stepaver14 
My husband and I have been together for over 2 years. He is one year sober. Before this year of sobriety, he struggled with his alcoholism. It finally got to a point that he was in jeopardy of losing his family and children. When he became serious about getting sober, I made the decision to not drink around him either. So for the past year, I haven't had a drink around him. If I go out with girlfriends, I'll have a drink.
He has recently told me that I can drink around him as long as I'm not getting drunk. As much as I do miss my nightly glass of wine, I still feel uncomfortable drinking around him. He says that he appreciates me taking the plunge with him through his first year and not drinking. But he says he feels that I should be able to drink around him without it tempting him. How do others who have been in this situation feel? I feel really uncomfortable leaving alcohol in the house. I do not want to jeopardize his sobriety. I've never been in a situation like this and I'm not sure how to proceed.
He has recently told me that I can drink around him as long as I'm not getting drunk. As much as I do miss my nightly glass of wine, I still feel uncomfortable drinking around him. He says that he appreciates me taking the plunge with him through his first year and not drinking. But he says he feels that I should be able to drink around him without it tempting him. How do others who have been in this situation feel? I feel really uncomfortable leaving alcohol in the house. I do not want to jeopardize his sobriety. I've never been in a situation like this and I'm not sure how to proceed.
I couldn't care less whether people in my house are having drinks or not. The only person in my household that drinking is an issue for is me, the alcoholic. They CAN make the choice for themselves, but I also understand that they can and will go extended periods of time without drinking at all.. The alcoholic thinker thinks that abstinence is a drudgery they must go through and therefore if their need to abstain is causing someone else to abstain, why then that person must be feeling as deprived and distraught about it as we are.. But if we are recovering we should feel as though we're better off without it, and if we're better off without it, we have to know that others are better off without it... if we believe we are depriving others of something, then we must still feel that we are being deprived of something and this makes me think relapse in the future..
I'm reading way too much in to this maybe, but like I said, it gave me a sketchy vibe, and I would just be aware that his guilt over your not drinking has to do with his emotions towards alcohol and not yours. Someone in recovery from addiction to alcohol won't care what it's doing or where it's been or why it hasn't called in a while, because they've moved on.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
No one else is responsible for an alcoholic's sobriety. Period, full stop.
I'm with Brenda here- something about this feels like his AV talking and well, we all know when we let it get going....nothing good happens.
Regardless of what might be going on- I can only offer supposition and as AA says, I cannot know what is right for anyone else (see p 417-418 on acceptance), you or him, refer to my first sentence.
Good luck.
I'm with Brenda here- something about this feels like his AV talking and well, we all know when we let it get going....nothing good happens.
Regardless of what might be going on- I can only offer supposition and as AA says, I cannot know what is right for anyone else (see p 417-418 on acceptance), you or him, refer to my first sentence.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,137
My wife is a normal drinker, unlike myself. I'm only on day 33 today and I allow my wife to drink around me.
However, she takes it upon herself to use a coffee cup for her wine so I don't actually see it. It does make it much easier than seeing a wine glass sitting out.
The hard part is not drinking her wine, but I'm committed to stopping this time.
However, she takes it upon herself to use a coffee cup for her wine so I don't actually see it. It does make it much easier than seeing a wine glass sitting out.
The hard part is not drinking her wine, but I'm committed to stopping this time.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
So how do you guys cope with having to kiss your partners when they are drinking alcohol?
I can remember having a boyfriend with alcoholic parents... It's not that he didn't drink, but I would drink at night without him, at home, and it gave him the heebie-jeebies and said kissing me at those times reminded him of his mother...
Maybe that's a little different than a recovering alcoholic kissing someone with alcohol breath, but being single I wonder how that experience will be if it ever happens...
I work in home care and take care of an elderly lady who lives across the street from her nephew. He is an alcoholic and comes over to visit and take care of a few things, and sometimes he WREAKS of alcohol and it stays in the room after he leaves. It really bothers me. Edit: He bothers me.
I can remember having a boyfriend with alcoholic parents... It's not that he didn't drink, but I would drink at night without him, at home, and it gave him the heebie-jeebies and said kissing me at those times reminded him of his mother...
Maybe that's a little different than a recovering alcoholic kissing someone with alcohol breath, but being single I wonder how that experience will be if it ever happens...
I work in home care and take care of an elderly lady who lives across the street from her nephew. He is an alcoholic and comes over to visit and take care of a few things, and sometimes he WREAKS of alcohol and it stays in the room after he leaves. It really bothers me. Edit: He bothers me.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,168
My wife has 0 understanding or desire to understand alcoholism. It is not personal, she is a simple girl. She tells me stop thinking about alcohol. She has wine sometimes.
I can't explain it to her, she would rather not talk about booze.
I am an obsessive type. I am working on being more carefree. Knowing and trying are a huge part of recovery.
I can't explain it to her, she would rather not talk about booze.
I am an obsessive type. I am working on being more carefree. Knowing and trying are a huge part of recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 94
Who brought up the subject? Your husband?
I hate to be suspicious but something here doesn't seem right. A year of sobriety is a wonderful accomplishment. So why change what has worked so well, i.e., you not drinking in your home?
I hate to be suspicious but something here doesn't seem right. A year of sobriety is a wonderful accomplishment. So why change what has worked so well, i.e., you not drinking in your home?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
