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Time to become a professional introvert?

Old 10-09-2016, 03:30 PM
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Time to become a professional introvert?

You know folks, my circle of people I feel I can talk to (outside of SR) is getting smaller and smaller. If it wasn't for the family that I dearly love, I'd become a professional dirtbag: live in a van down by the river, backpack and run the mountains, just avoid the vast general population.

I am truly fed up with people who know more about addiction and how it works than I do. I'm in recovery and I still haven't a clue!! So you had a few beers at a party when you were a teenager? And that makes you an expert on alcoholism? Yeah, okay... tell where to kiss the ring.

I'm through with people. Extended family, church people, ministers, whoever.... let me alone. Stop telling me how I should feel. I am realizing these people caused me to relapse so many times. Granted, I realize that some may mean well, but the vast majority are "humble bragging" about how they are far superior to me.

Time to start shutting people out.

/rant
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Old 10-09-2016, 03:50 PM
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Everyone's an expert, right? My bestie has an adorable 9 month old dog, who is very well-behaved (except with me, his auntie, whom he pushes around unmercifully. ) I am amazed at the number of people who channel Cesar Milan when we go out walking. All kinds of advice. And he's a good dog!
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Old 10-09-2016, 03:57 PM
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I have always been on the more introverted side but, at the same time, don't think I would survive as a monk and a very few close and meaningful relationships can greatly enhance my life. I think good boundaries are healthy and important in every area of social life. Many of us in recovery try/need to learn how how to do this in a way that keeps a good balance between not getting overwhelmed and also not becoming too isolated. It's a form of art, I often think
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Old 10-09-2016, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Aellyce View Post
It's a form of art, I often think
One that I have yet to learn!
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Old 10-09-2016, 05:26 PM
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Spending some time in solitude can be very beneficial. It gives time to sit back and look at the big picture getting a clearer perspective on things and on people. I agree it's an art...and a balance.
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Old 10-09-2016, 05:39 PM
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It's all about balance Steve. We tend to be "all or nothing" folks, us addicts. Certainly changing the crowd we spend time with is possible and can be a good thing. I think completely isolating oneself can be dangerous though.
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Old 10-09-2016, 06:05 PM
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My group of people has gone from maybe a dozen or so to my family and maybe two or three. Probably should have been that way all along and it works for me.

I will probably sound like one of those people that "mean well" but nobody can cause you to relapse. You own that one all by yourself. From my personal experience, until you realize this and take responsibility, it's likely to keep happening.
Stay Well!
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Old 10-10-2016, 03:48 AM
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I have been introverted all my life, more or less.
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Old 10-10-2016, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
You know folks, my circle of people I feel I can talk to (outside of SR) is getting smaller and smaller. If it wasn't for the family that I dearly love, I'd become a professional dirtbag: live in a van down by the river, backpack and run the mountains, just avoid the vast general population.

I am truly fed up with people who know more about addiction and how it works than I do. I'm in recovery and I still haven't a clue!! So you had a few beers at a party when you were a teenager? And that makes you an expert on alcoholism? Yeah, okay... tell where to kiss the ring.

I'm through with people. Extended family, church people, ministers, whoever.... let me alone. Stop telling me how I should feel. I am realizing these people caused me to relapse so many times. Granted, I realize that some may mean well, but the vast majority are "humble bragging" about how they are far superior to me.

Time to start shutting people out.

/rant

I tell ya one thing I know for a fact for me- until I stopped blaming everyone else for ME drinking i stayed drunk. NO ONE caused me to drink, but dam!! did i use them as excuses! no one but me bent my elbow.

usually when someone says something to me that buggers me up theres some truth to it. im not going to like everything everyone says just as everyone isn't going to like everything i say.

steve, you can run and hide from the vast population. then that will leave ya with the ONLY problem in your life-you.

reads to me like yer just getting some learning experiences.
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Old 10-10-2016, 05:56 AM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
You know folks, my circle of people I feel I can talk to (outside of SR) is getting smaller and smaller. If it wasn't for the family that I dearly love, I'd become a professional dirtbag: live in a van down by the river, backpack and run the mountains, just avoid the vast general population.

I am truly fed up with people who know more about addiction and how it works than I do. I'm in recovery and I still haven't a clue!! So you had a few beers at a party when you were a teenager? And that makes you an expert on alcoholism? Yeah, okay... tell where to kiss the ring.

I'm through with people. Extended family, church people, ministers, whoever.... let me alone. Stop telling me how I should feel. I am realizing these people caused me to relapse so many times. Granted, I realize that some may mean well, but the vast majority are "humble bragging" about how they are far superior to me.

Time to start shutting people out.

/rant
Besides your immediate family why does the subject of recovery come up with other folks?

One of the smartest things I did after getting sober was to keep my mouth shut. No need to let the world I'm in recovery and to explain myself.
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:22 AM
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I agree with Ken. Nothing to be gained from discussing my recovry with people who are work colleagues, choir members, in the same band as me, long-time friends, or even relatives to be honest. Sometimes I'll have a brief conversation about ut with my partner, which invariably ends abruptly in an effort to not strangle him. I talk about alcoholism and recovery with other alcoholics in recovery. At a push I might discuss it with my doctor, although that wasn't very helpful either last time. That doesn't mean I have to avoid them or cut myself off though. I just don't talk about THAT to them. Theres plenty of other stuff in the world to talk to the normies about eh!
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Old 10-10-2016, 11:54 AM
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Thanks for the replies. One mistake I made was mentioning my struggles with addiction to a pastor at our church. Big mistake! I kinda clammed up about it and distanced myself a bit.
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Old 10-10-2016, 12:01 PM
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"Besides your immediate family why does the subject of recovery come up with other folks?

One of the smartest things I did after getting sober was to keep my mouth shut. No need to let the world I'm in recovery and to explain myself. "

I've only been sober a short time, really, and there's a maddening urge to share that with everyone around me. Kinda like dieting. You're miserable and want to talk about dieting with everyone because it's ion your mind seemingly every minute of the day and night. Ken33xx is right though. Smart thing to do is just find something else to talk about. Go to SR when you need to blow off some steam about it all.
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Old 10-10-2016, 12:20 PM
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I used to be an extreme social butterfly who loved hanging out with groups of people. The more the merrier. I had to talk to everyone, I wanted to know where they grew up, who we had in common, etc.

Then I got sober.

I love, love, love my alone time. I would far prefer to go for a hike, watch a really good movie, or cook a really great meal. Add to that list read a good book. If I do go out it's with others who feel the same way I do about sobriety and it's REAL.

I found through sobriety that the person I thought I was had nothing to do with being social. It was all about being happy that I had a place to swill the booze.

I've also found that conversations about recovery are best embarked upon with others who are on the same journey. This is why I love this site. There's always someone here who will listen and lots of people who can benefit from hearing they're not alone.

Don't let people get you down. You're doing hard work.
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Old 10-10-2016, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Upstairs View Post
"Besides your immediate family why does the subject of recovery come up with other folks?
Forgot to answer that... I don't think the subject "came up." A lot of people knew I drank, they simply didn't know bad it was. So I had a reputation of sorts. Beyond my wife, no one really knows I'm sober. Sure, some people are starting to figure out something is different, but no real official public announcement was made.

Unfortunately, in some peoples minds, I will always be a drunk. They do not think its possible for an addict to truly have victory. So all of a sudden I'm getting all sorts of "expert" advice on sobriety and beating addiction! Ironic, eh?
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Old 10-10-2016, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
Forgot to answer that... I don't think the subject "came up." A lot of people knew I drank, they simply didn't know bad it was. So I had a reputation of sorts. Beyond my wife, no one really knows I'm sober. Sure, some people are starting to figure out something is different, but no real official public announcement was made.

Unfortunately, in some peoples minds, I will always be a drunk. They do not think its possible for an addict to truly have victory. So all of a sudden I'm getting all sorts of "expert" advice on sobriety and beating addiction! Ironic, eh?
Ok, so let's kind of turn this around. When people hear things like this they have two choices. To walk around whispering behind your back OR, although they may seem like jerks they care enough to offer what they know (even if it's just what they THINK they know). They could just trying to be helpful? I'd prefer to have that rather than the "hey, psst psst, didja hear about X?"

Edited to add that yes, they could definitely keep their opinions to themselves. I totally get that. I'd still rather believe that they're trying the best way they know how to help rather than being a common gossip.
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Old 10-10-2016, 07:04 PM
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If it wasn't for the family that I dearly love, I'd become a professional dirtbag: live in a van down by the river, backpack and run the mountains, just avoid the vast general population.
I'm with ya on that one. I think isolating can be theraputic. I'm not sure it would be good like 100% of the time.

I find a lot of other peoples opinions good bad ones i like ones i dont wann ahear ones i need to hear but dont wanna hear ones i'm glad to hear etc.. I find that after a while honestly? its a lot of noise. It becomes almost too much for me to chew on. Thats when I isolate to try and sort that sorta stuff all out and get back to my center etc.. I realize not all advice is bad.

But I also read something somewhere not long ago a story about a man who left all his windows and doors open and then cold wind and rain storm came blowing through the house blew all his crap all over and made it cold and wet adn really not nice in the house. He relized that sometimes he shoudl close up his house etc.. if he doesnt want things to get all blown around in disarray etc..

So I dunno I think the solution is sorta both some aloneness but some of these opinions can also be a good thing but you have to be able to take them in as you can rather then just open the flood gates and let whatever come flying in. Then it just becomes noise and too much.

certainly dont relapse on account of someone elses opinion having you jacked.

like they say about opinions there like your butthole full of you know what and everyones got one
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Old 10-10-2016, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
Unfortunately, in some peoples minds, I will always be a drunk. They do not think its possible for an addict to truly have victory. So all of a sudden I'm getting all sorts of "expert" advice on sobriety and beating addiction! Ironic, eh?
This is part of the reason I have become - after learning the hard way, over and over again - to be very selective about the people with whom I share those kinds of details about my life. I had the same scenario you described in another post regarding confiding in your pastor. I left a church for the same exact reason. I dunno, it's like I was viewed as a "project" of sorts and it became very distracting as regards the real reason I was there. It was my doing, though, because I was the one who spilled my guts about my alcohol addiction to begin with. Can't unring that bell.

As for people who think you will always be a drunk and your sobriety won't last... there will always be those kinds of people. My ex wife is one of them. Whatever. It is irritating but I can't let it get to me. I have nothing to "prove" to anyone, especially those who are disinclined to believe me anyway. I know I'm sober, and I know I'm going to continue doing the things that keep me that way. At the end of the day, that's all we really have, I think.
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Old 10-11-2016, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by GetMeOut View Post
This is part of the reason I have become - after learning the hard way, over and over again - to be very selective about the people with whom I share those kinds of details about my life. I had the same scenario you described in another post regarding confiding in your pastor. I left a church for the same exact reason. I dunno, it's like I was viewed as a "project" of sorts and it became very distracting as regards the real reason I was there. It was my doing, though, because I was the one who spilled my guts about my alcohol addiction to begin with. Can't unring that bell.
I kinda remember that thread. I think the leadership at this chutrch became wise to my addiction because my wife may have told them some many months ago... back when I still drank. No fault to her, but I wasn't the one that confided in them.

I've learned the hard way over the past few months to be quite selective in who I confide to. Unless I am talking to another addict, things just roll smoother if people don't know.
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Old 10-11-2016, 05:51 PM
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Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
I kinda remember that thread. I think the leadership at this chutrch became wise to my addiction because my wife may have told them some many months ago... back when I still drank. No fault to her, but I wasn't the one that confided in them
I got it from this post:

Originally Posted by steve-in-kville View Post
One mistake I made was mentioning my struggles with addiction to a pastor at our church. Big mistake! I kinda clammed up about it and distanced myself a bit.
It reminded me of when I first started going to the church I mentioned. My life had just about come completely unraveled and I let it all hang out! I learned the hard way (as I usually do) that most people just don't understand that sort of thing. I came to see that a lot of incorrect assumptions were being made. I keep learning when to speak and when to shut up.
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