Confused by my cousin and his alcohol use
 

Hi all! I'm posting here for the first time because I need some perspective. I will start by saying that I have been sober the past two years. I was a heavy binge drinker who blacked out far too often. I didn't have a whole lot of consequences but the drinking was definitely wrecking my soul so I decided to quit. I have gone to some AA meetings but I mainly remain sober with the support of my husband, and really close friends who are also sober. For the most part I feel very much at peace with things in my life, and my intention is for things to stay that way.

Heavy drinking tends to run in my family. A lot of my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins drink, and "party" heavily. I am concerned, and quite perplexed by one cousin in particular. He is 26, and has run into some issues with alcohol in the past. He has also dealt with what he calls "depressive episodes" over the years as well. When he was younger, there were a couple of times when he came depressed and suicidal when drinking. About year ago, he fell and hit his head when drinking and had to be hospitalized. He was fine after the incident, and moved in with his parents for a few months. I know he was sober for a couple of months, but eventually did pick up drinking again. He has since moved back to the city, and now he seems to be living a pretty amazing life while still continuing to drink. He is in a happy relationship, and his career is thriving. He just did an amazing project in Europe, and he has some more traveling to do for work by the end of the year. By all accounts, he seems to be doing wonderful. I saw him at a family wedding recently, and he was drinking as if he never had a problem. When I asked him about it he admitted that he was very self destructive, and used alcohol to punish himself for what he was not happy with. He says that he drinks a couple of times a week, and is at total peace with his drinking/life. I asked him if he would ever go to an AA meeting, and he kind of freaked out. He started naming off all of these studied that say that AA sucks, and that not all people with alcohol issues have to abstain. I was initially shocked but when I looked at some of what he was saying online, there did seem to be some truth to it.

So what I am really confused about is how his story seems to contradict a lot of what we have been told about people with alcohol issues. He was a problem drinker but now seems to drink much less harmfully and lives a great life. Has anyone heard of a story like this? Is he just an addict who hasn't hit bottom? Can some people continue to drink after having issues?

Again, I'm so confused by all of this, and I am most certainly not entertaining the idea of drinking again. I am just curious for your thoughts.

Welcome to SR WhenInRome, and congrats on 2 years of sobriety. In regard to your cousin, it's really his issue to deal with. Only he truly knows if his drinking is a problem and comparing him to you ( or anyone else for that matter ) won't be helpful.

Maybe he is alcoholuc and maybe not. Onky he can say that. But even if he is, I suppose not all alcoholics want to quit. And if he doesn't want to he won't. Maybe that'll change over time. It took me to my 40s to really recognise why my life was unmanageable. And even then, only partially. It became much clearer to me once I'd stopped. Up til then I just thought I was doomed, or realky unlucky, or jinxed or something, and that alcohol was the one good thing in my life. Ha!

Hey, WheninRome. Thanks for your post. My own feeling is that people can manage their drinking...until they can't. Alcohol dependency is progressive, as are its effects. Someone posted earlier that they were in their forties when they recognized that their life had become unmanagable. I was in my late fifties when I realized I had a problem. 61 when I stopped. Sometimes it takes a while to learn the lesson. Peace.

Hi and welcome wheninrome - congrats on 2 years :)

I hear of guys I used to drink with and they're still working, having kids, etc...all I know is I am definitely an alcoholic and my drinking would have killed me.

D

hi WheninRome - congrats on your 2 years!

Regarding your cousin, it can be very hard to know from the outside appearances, how someone is doing on the inside. When I decided to quit drinking, I think most people on the outside would have thought I was doing great. Happily married, got a promotion in my job, we had just bought a house, took nice vacations. It was what was happening to me on the inside, that no one else could see, that made me quit.

Maybe your cousin doesn't have a problem, maybe he has a problem that will get worse later, or maybe he already has a problem but it isn't (yet) showing to the outside world. No way to know, really.

I look at my three siblings sometimes and wonder (all of them drink, often to excess). But I can't really know, so I leave it alone.

Hi there, my dad used to be a problem drinker. He stopped for awhile then started drinking again in his later years. He drinks moderately now. He's 87 years young and amazingly healthy. I guess it all depends.

Some people go through periods of abusing alcohol but never cross over into actual alcoholism. They still have the ability to go back to drinking moderately and may never face problems with alcohol again in their lives.

Unfortunately that is not me, theres no going back to moderate drinking for me, somewhere down the line I crossed over into alcoholism.

When,

Hi and welcome!

First off, congrats on your sobriety. It is amazing.

What I got from reading about your cousin is...a train wreck coming.

If he tries to drink and drive...and you can prevent it...do your best.

My drunk buddy will sneak out and drive home. Crazy stuff.

Only your cousin can stop himself from his drinking pattern. As you probably know...it is progressive...and you can't stop him.

Unfortunately, as you probably know, strong addicts are not the most rational folks. If they were, they probably would quit on their own.

Stand clear and be ready to support him...as required...within reason...when the wreck happens.

Maybe after his next trama...he will snap out of it. That is what it took for me to...wake up.

Thank God I made it here. Never going back there.

Thank you all for your lovely messages, and for the congrats on my two years! Maybe I will start posting here more as I've looked around, and it seems to provide a sense of community for users.

Regarding my cousin, I think what you are all saying is right in that I cannot change his behavior, only he can. If it is not a problem for him right now then it is not a problem. If it is a problem again in the future then this is a different story. I knew this all along inside but I needed to hear it from other people. I can sit here and judge him for continuing to use alcohol, or I can just carry on with my own life/sobriety and just let others be. There seems to be no definitive answer here. I suppose it isn't so black, and white.

To be completely honest, I am a bit jealous of him and that he is still drinking. I really did not want this to be a problem for me. I fought so hard, and fought relentlessly to change my drinking. I simply could not. I am jealous that he had a problem, and it seems like he has changed what I could not. While I appreciate the many joys that sobriety brings, there still is a part of me that wishes I could just be a normal person, and normal people don't have drinking problems. Ultimately, I will need to learn to get over this insecurity. Not all wants/needs/thoughts/desires are worth having, and wanting to drink "normally" is certainly not a desire worth having.

That's a very good realization to make, and it shows that you are making progress in your sober life/sober thinking. There is certainly an "unfairness" in addiction, but as you say - it's something we need to accept if we want to move forward.

I think that you are holding your self back though to believe that you are not a "normal" person. There is no such thing as a "normal" person really. You are a very capable person who happens to have an issue with alcohol. You can do anything else you choose in life with the right amount of work, including living a happy and fulfilling life. In that respect think of allergies for example - I have a son with a peanut allergy. He needs to be careful about reading food labels and not eating food if he's not sure, but does that mean he's not a "normal" person? Your body and mind just happens to have a problem with alcohol so you don't drink it, right?

Hi WhenInRome

after about a year for me I began to realise I loved the sober life I'd created for myself...more than that I preferred it.

After decades of self hatred, chaos, and intermittent misery, I have peace, self respect and joy.

I've never been jealous of any drinkers since.

I hope you'll reach that point soon too :)

D