salparadise

Well that's not entirely true. I've been reading these forums for 3 or 4 years now. Some of you all, regulars and non regulars alike, have helped me more than you would know during my struggles. I guess I'm just here to tell my story and to try to stay sober. I'm 32 years old and have been drinking since I was 19 or 20. It started off just as "normal" drinking like any other college kid (or so I thought). But looking back I know the first time I drank that that was a crazy powerful feeling and that I was in trouble. I drank extremely large amounts maybe 2 nights a week from the age of 20-23. When I got out of school I started drinking a lot more on my own to deal with stress, depression, etc and because, well, it just felt good and I liked to drink and I liked how it made me feel. It actually made me feel something. I started to realize I was probably an alcoholic when I was 25 or 26, then it really hit me when I was 27 and I went on a bender and had bad withdrawals. i knew it didn't happen to normal people. I knew normal people could care less about alcohol. they didn't wage a mental war every day that they woke up about whether or not they were going to drink that day. Now at 32 I'm starting to feel the physical ramifications of alcoholism, have abdominal discomfort every time I drink, always tired from the hangovers. I know I have to stop. I know what I have to do. I need a plan. I've literally gone and sat in my car outside where AA meetings were taking place, too ashamed to go inside. White knuckling it hasn't worked. Sure it's worked in the past for maybe 2-3 months a few different times and now I usually go a week between drinking but that's all I'm good for alone. I can see where I'm headed. I lost my uncle last year to this. I think the worst part about this for me is that I'm an expert at hiding it. I almost wish I would get caught. I wake up every day wanting to burst forth my story and tell my loved ones that I need help and can't do it anymore. But I'm embarrassed and I know I'll hurt and disappoint people. I don't want the stigma I guess. And a tiny bit of me doesn't want to tell anyone because if people know, then there's accountability and if there's accountability I will find it harder to drink which obviously a part of me still wants to do. That's the insanity of it. I just wanted to share my story. Last drinks were monday night. I'll be staying close by here. Thank you all.

Dee74

Welcome to the posting side of things Sal

D

SnazzyDresser

Cool name, Sal. There's another SR poster named OntheRoad.

Welcome to SR!

theVman31

And theres got to be a Jack somewhere...
Hi Sal (Jack)

Treerat66

Hi salparadise

Welcome to SR

Delilah1

Welcome!

dox

Hi, salparadise.

Good to hear from you on this lovely Autumn morning.

Wanting to drink and not wanting to drink:

Thanks to you, I remember it now.

A difficult place to be.

Not impossible.

salparadise

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I've made it through the day without drinking anything . Days 1-3 are usually easy for me. That "never again phase". It gets hard after that. I'm past the phase in my drinking where I justify picking up again . I'm at the point where I absolutely know I should not do it , even feel sadness as I buy my supply , but do it anyways . I'm trying to come up with a plan. I'll be reading here , reading the Big Book, and trying to start off with some online AA meetings .

BellFlavor

Welcome to Sober recovery forum. It's good to hear that you are willing to cut your habit of drinking alcohol and that's one way or a step to a positive development. Continue to be determined and your willingness to decline the habit. You are heading to a good start @ salparadise !

Straightup

Your story sounds similar to mine though I'm just a couple years younger than you. It seems like so long ago that I was in your shoes. I was a daily drinker and woke up each morning hungover telling myself that today's the day. Well I finally did it and now I'm sober just over one year. It is extremely difficult but it's true when they say it gets easier. There is tons of great advice here and I'm glad that you've made the choice to start your journey. It's totally worth it. I now wake up each morning and feel joy knowing that I didn't drink the day before.

fini

welcome, sal.

I almost wish I would get caught. I wake up every day wanting to burst forth my story and tell my loved ones that I need help and can't do it anymore. But I'm embarrassed and I know I'll hurt and disappoint people. I don't want the stigma I guess. And a tiny bit of me doesn't want to tell anyone because if people know, then there's accountability and if there's accountability I will find it harder to drink which obviously a part of me still wants to do.

this sounds all about taking responsibility. for yourself and your drinking/not drinking.
holding yourself responsible. owning it.

posting and reaching out is a great start. stick around.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

waynetheking

Hang in there Sal and stop drinking. Acceptance is the key. You lost your uncle to this disease. That should be enough to tell ya how serious alcoholism is. You're only 32, it's time to quit.
Get a plan and stick with it. Stay busy. Take massive amounts of action and work you're plan. It doesn't hurt to pray either. Trust me.
Welcome to SR buddy, I'm wayne.

aussieblue

Glad you found us sal.

salparadise

I'm wrapping up my third day. No desire to drink today. Feeling tired and sore and depressed but really glad I'm not drinking. Hard to believe I've gotten used to this feeling as the norm. I can't wait to get through enough days until I feel good again, have energy again. What's the quote, one day at a time right? :P

fini

keep going, sal, and you'll soon feel a new 'normal' as tiredness and soreness improve.

Jade1224

Like you, I started realizing around 23 that something was wrong. I mainly ignored it because I still recovered and I could still function the next day even though I was making bad choices.

I'm 28 now and got the first taste of what real alcohol withdrawal feels like. The body can only take so much.

We are still so young. I look back and wish I could have stopped at 24! I really don't want to look back at 40, with major health problems, wishing I could have stopped at 28.

Do yourself a favor and get this crap out of your life. It's not doing you any favors

fred59

Sal welcome, there are 2 Smart Recovery meetings Tuesday and Friday in Fresno so there is one alternative to AA. I use both programs, Al one good thing about AA there are so many different kinds of meetings men only ladies only, mixed, big, small etc etc nothing to be ashamed of heck Prez Bush had an admitted drinking problem.
I did Kaiser's CDRP back in the 90's that program saved my life and SR has so much to offer, hang tough get into a recovery program and get to work you are worth it.

Bunny211

Welcome! You pretty much told my story. We're also about the same age. At the end it all came crashing down for me and I was relieved it was out in the open because I hid it for so long. I "dabbled" in recovery for 2 years before I finally bit the bullet, chose a program (I do AA), and went hard at it. My life is so much better. I am so blessed to have recovered from the hopeless state I was living in. I wish you all the best on your journey. Sobriety is amazing. You deserve it! XOXOXO

BrendaChenowyth

We're about the same age, sal, I'm 31, and we seem to have a very similar relationship with alcohol.

I remember many moments, waking up around 3am, after the alcohol had worn off, and feeling so lost. Everything felt meaningless. Everything felt wrong. I knew I was wasting my life... There was a lot of painful stuff in my early life and then my twenties were all about running from that and not facing it and I made a huge mess out my life, failing at everything I tried, burning every bridge... I just didn't want to do it anymore, and I had this nagging feeling that I wasn't the person I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be so much better.

I'm wondering if you relate to any of that.

I'm now on day 46 of this new relationship with a person I never knew. She's actually pretty great, when she's not trying to drown who she is with alcohol.