jimmyc

I don't know where to start or how to structure this thread. Anxiety is at an all time high - I haven't slept for the past 2 days (unless you count a casual hour of sleep). I have 20k debt needs paying, i'm not seeming to fit in at my new job, which makes the anxiety worse, which makes the money worry worse.... I just don't know what to do. I'm thinking of taking another day off tomorrow however it's an important day for me to be at work as a new kit arrives - Something that was brought up in my one month review - I need to show myself to be a team member and be able to just get on with these kits. However, I can't do that as all but 2 people have engaged me, count them 2 people... 2 people have engaged me and I get on well with them. The other 7 treat me like I don't exist. I'm always asking questions to them, making small talk just to get the conversation going, and there's just nothing coming back from them. I'm another normal person right? Why wont they talk to me? I can't sleep again tonight thus far, I just don't know what to do tomorrow. I hate to admit, but I have had a drink tonight. I just don't know how to cope. Do I get a doctor's appt tomorrow morning? Do I do that AND take a day off work and use up the rest of my leave? I'm really hating life right now. Depression seems to have been a product of my drinking, however my anxiety remains... I just don't know what to do.

trachemys

I'm with you on the anxiety. Got way too much on my plate and just want to put my head under the covers and stay there.

There's times when you just have to trudge on. Show up, do the job, be responsible for yourself, let the others be for themselves.

jimmyc

I appreciate your response, trachemys, however it just isn't that simple. I can't show up there tomorrow, not in this state - Been off the past 2 days (using annual leave) just to get my debt/budget sorted with a debt charity. I can't go back to the workplace that demands my team-building (when no one seems interested). The anxiety stops me from going to work, which makes my anxiety worse by not going to work, round and round etc. I've run with this into the ground without proper help for months, however I think it's time to see a doctor about it. If this company cares, they'll understand - They've been pretty lenient so far.

jimmyc

I don't know how I left this out, but to edit: I had a full on anxiety attack. Heart went crazy, sweat like mad and that utter sense of dread.... god help me.

Mountainmanbob

It's best if you drag yourself to work tomorrow (if at all possible).
For, I found that on the days when I actually could have worked but, let my anxieties keep me home, I felt even worse about myself.

If you get to work tomorrow, and work hard, you will probably get some sleep tomorrow night????

If not then the next night????
Eventfully the body and mind get tired (usually) if not doctor time.

M-Bob

Mountainmanbob

Might be time for some stress leave.
Never scores points at work but,
if on return to the work force
we show good signs of mental health and work habits
we will be held in high standing usually in short time.

Both my wife and I have been in this situation.
Mine -- brought on by myself.
Hers -- naturally brought on by my drinking.

Good luck,
M-Bob

jimmyc

Thanks for your replies. I'm only into my 2nd month now and I'd avoid this at all costs if I could, but I feel the whole attack tonight has been a culmination of the last few days, trying to budget and sort debt out ready for a DMP, the whole stress and worry about not fitting in (told to me on my review), not helped by the other team members not acknowledging my existence etc..... Feel like I'm going to explode. Even if i did go to work, I'd probably end up sacked by flipping out on someone.....

LadyBug66

You have only been at this job 2 months?

zjw

having been in simlier sitations when i sobered up what i did was i thought about it for a sec. Is someong going to show up at my door put a gun to my head and say pay up or we shoot? Nope i started thinking about the relaities of what they would do and realized there not nearly as bad as how i'm mkaing it all out to be. With my work i had simlier anxieties so terrified i'd get fired but then that would jsut scare me all the more with my money issues. Again I thought so what if i do? i'll go live with family or a shelter with my kids it'll suck but hell at least it'll be done i wont have to worry about IF it'll happen anymore it will have finally happened and heck that might be a relief compared to the imaginary BS game i had in my head.

I also started reading some various books like say power of now by eckhart tolle and i started to realize all this stuff i was cooking up in my head was not real it was not what was happing in this moment. I started to realize if what i needed to do whas take a day off to save my sanity screw it i did so etc..

Long story short my issues worked out my worries subsided from reading varous books and so on.

That being said even now i do still have my anxiety issues with work but i just put into practice what i've learned to keep the anxiety at bay as best that i can.

One thing I sa to myself a lot when i start to worry is "does it matter" i mean really life wil go on one way or another things just are what they are etc..

It'll ease up. My advice is if you need time off take time off. if you have to take a break take a break what do you have if you dont have your sanity?

Me with my debt I had a bit more in debt and I quit paying it all. it was like an instean pay raise instantly it was like having a ton of bricks lifted off my shouders it was really liberating. then about 6 months later i worked out debt settlements with all my creditors and have remained debt free since. For me this was the best strategy. I pondered bankruptcy and everything else. I had to realize that this was not and should not be asome kind of emotional decision some kind of freak out fest. it was just a bsuiness transaction people do these things every single day theres laws and rules that protect said folks and so on in these situations. Its not that big of a deal just have to figure out how to navigate it is all.

I hope it eases up some.

LadyBug66

Very wise advice!

jimmyc

You can understand where I'm coming from with this madness. However, I can't just forget about this debt - I took it out in good faith and I'll pay it back in good faith, it's just tearing my apart right now. I may have my sanity but a my also go insolvent, and I really don't want that at 23 years old.

As someone said above, take time off if you need time off - I'm thinking that's probably best, otherwise if i'm at work i'll be making all sorts of silly decisions and actions, probably not for the better.... I will get an appointment with the docs tomorrow I think.

Thanks everyone who's replied who have let me know they're there - I appreciate it.

trachemys

Then, hie thee to the doctor.

I went that route one time myself.

zjw

i dont particularly advocate it but I know plenty of folks who have walked from say CC debt. what happened to them? nothing. they jsut had to pay cash moving forward something they shoulda done to begin with.

My point again is its not liek they will show up at your door with a gun and shake you down or something. Its some numbers on a piece of paper dont let it get to you. You wanna allow some creditor to rob you of your joy as well as your money? Are they gonna put flowers on your grave?

I used to contimplate suicide over it. But i had the reality check i'm gonna kill myself over some money i owe to mastercard? seriously? what will that solve?

take some time and tell yourself not now. i'm not gonna think about this now. Right now I"m gonna go for a walk or enjoy this or that etc.. take a breather.

zjw

I totally agree. But if its gonna do this to you it aint worth it.

I think idealy its best to pay it all off. But if i had a choice of my sanity vs paying it all ove i'd choose my sanity over it.

Do whats best for you but I know myself how hard it is to walk that razors edge when your trying to make all the right choices and struggling to do so. It can be maddening. Lifes not perfect things are not always going to go exactly as planed. part of coping is learning how to accept things for how they are. Accept the situation as it is make the plan to tackle the debt how you choose and try to put the issue to bed in your head. But the round and roudn and round worry stuff will drive ya bonkers. Thats what you wanna avoid one way or another regardless of how you handle the debt.

Sometimes i tell my mind STOP in a loud voice in my head. JUST STOP STOP STOP! i might have to do that 8923391823129 times to keep it form going round and round and round over varous issues worrying me sick.

zjw

I dont want to make this sound easy either. at your stage in the game i was going bonkers too so dont feel bad.

jimmyc

No one should walk from debt - It's an agreement we made between ourselves - Me and the creditor(s). Sure they're not going to show up on the door, but that doesn't stop this intense worrying about it. I have as much robbed the creditors as they might rob me, if I don't pay this back.

By the way, I've got a lot more reason to "top myself" other than just financial difficulties. The reason I can't just go for a walk is because I was "this close" to ending my life a few months ago. I even took pictures man....? really?

thomas11

Have you been consuming alcohol regularly Jimmy?

zjw

Just becareful you dont drive yourself nuts looking fro the most ideal solution etc.. I had this idea in my head that i needed my 1.5 children and my 2 cats in the yard and my retirement acct and pay my bills timely and etc.. plan for my future and follow all the things we all hear about in terms of fiscal responsiblity and so on. IN my case the reality was the money wasnt there to go around all I was doing was driving myself bonkers with worries over it all trying to keep all my ducks in a row. then i'd drink my brains out to cope.

I kinda hit a hard reset and moving forward tried to not bite off more then i could chew and tried to find my boundaries and limitations so that i could prevent myself from being in a simlier situation again.

Its like i've heard stgories of folks to quit there jobs so they can recover from booze say. Some might think thats insane what baout there bills!?!? others might say its insane to try and recover and still hold down a job etc.. Its all a matter of whats gonna work out best for each person. The goal is to stay sober stay sane as quick and easily as possible. Its kinda hard to do one without the other etc..

I dont personally advocate meds and such but seeing your doctor might help too. Maybe he can perscribe something to help with the anxiety.

zjw

just to add I admore your desire to pay your creditors. I know others your age who are so incredibly irresponable. and just think its all fun and games to rip off there creditors etc.. Sounds like your a decent person the fact that your worried at all isnt exactly a bad sign it shows you care etc..

zjw

I see your point. Idealy we borrow we pay its just that simple. We want to be good folks and play by the rules as we should.

I dont want to hate on creditors too too much but let me touch on it for a second. They make and set these rules often in there favor often knowing we are worry wart types who jsut wanna do the right thing. Often once we find our selves in positions like this they have more deals and ways to enrich themselves at the expense of our good intentions and sanity.

The difference between you and your creditor in your relation ship is your worried sick and drinking over this. your creditor doesnt care and has an army to blow up your phone and mailbox further scareing your and making you worry all the more. If you kill yourself over it your creditor simply wont care you'll just be another file they write off.

its sad but true.

Luckily we have laws that protect us in this country and have ways to handle these situations that can make life a bit easier.

if you do a settlement say its an agreement between you and the creditors on a reduced payment amt etc.. It actually can be a good thing.

I have no idea how bad your situation is ore dire it is or isnt. It very well might be wisest for your to just pay it all in full too.

But I just hate seeing people worry themselves sick over htis sort of stuff and drinking over it and pondering suicide over it. Been there done that it sucks! and its not worth it!

I played the game for years and years even got out of debt a couple times only to get myself right back into trouble you'd think i'd learn the first time? nope!

Hang in there vent here if you need.