zjw

oh an dnot to mention suicide is a really permenant solution to a temporary problem.

if your still thinking of it call a suicide hotline etc.. get some help.

jimmyc

I'd just like to say thank you to those above who have replied - I acknowledge and appreciate what you say.

I didn't know what else to do - I just decided to have a drink. I know it's bad. My whole life seems bad right now. It's not just the money, it's things I really can't explain. I just feel, for example, that I'd be better off gone because of my past/earlier life.... There just seems to be nothing here for me. It's hard to explain. I went to the doctors today - Not good. A rather "high" dose of sertraline and propranalol.... Hopefully make me at least feel better, but for the next couple weeks i'm going to feel worse - They signed me off taking this into account.

I hate the system, I hate society, I just don't fit

jimmyc

I have been well in-touch with Samaritans - I talk "regularly" (as if someone should be talking regularly to them).... I just..... *sigh*..... i'm lost.

ScottFromWI

Of all the things you could choose do Jimmy, drinking is most definitely the worst one. I hope you change your mind.

All of the problems you list will actually get worse, not better, if you drink. Are the doctors you are seeing psychologist or GP's? There is definitely help out there for you, you may have just not found the right fit yet....but I can tell you with the utmost confidence having dealt with mental health issues myself... that drinking is the single most damaging choice you can make bar none. I hope you'll reconsider.

jimmyc

I know it will get worse, I just didn't know where else to turn at the time. I drink socially, however the habitual side of things (drinking alone, at home etc) is a danger i try to steer clear of - Managed to cave with it last night, however it's not been repeated today.

I know they'll get worse, but what do I care? You know? What does it really matter in the long term. I just don't know. I saw a GP who prescribed me a few things. I'll have blood tests in about 2 weeks then another appt a week after to check up and arrange counselling.

I'm doing my best to not drink again.

ScottFromWI

Deciding to drink because you don't know where else to turn is not "doing your best" Jimmy. You can call samaritans again, you can come here, you can go to an AA or an NA meeting, you could call a psychiatrist, there's a plethora of things you can do. You just have to be willing to do them.

LadyBug66

Hang in there Jimmy. Life does get better. I know the lost feeling you are talking about; I've been there. It does get better. I'm sending positive thoughts and energy your way.

jimmyc

Thank you scott, thanks ladybug. I'm sure it does get better, but what's the point in the end you know?

zjw

i was in a bad place myself before i quit drinking and for a good while after i quit i realy felt like there was no point. I was pretty suicidal myself for a good amt of time.

I'm sure many can relate here that you sober up and sometimes its still crap for a while. just because you sober up doesnt mean the problems go away so naturally its pretty easy to think I'll just start drinking again screw this.

But i can say from my expierinece and many others that if you sober up and dont drink in time it does get better. I will also say for me the change fro the better was so painstakingly slow that sometimes it seemed like it was not getting better even tho it was jsut very slowly.

Trying to find things to be thankful for can help too. many days i didnt have squat to be thankful for or well at least I felt that way anyhow but i'd reach for anything oh gee its raining i'm tankful for that oh gee the sun came up i guess there is that today *sigh* but i'd cling to it to try and keep my spirits up.

hang in there.

ScottFromWI

The point is that now is not the end. You've got a whole lot of life to live between now and then. Might as well make the best of it, right?

SoberCAH

You may not feel particularly blessed right now, but you're 23 years old and have the opportunity to get and stay sober at a young age, instead of wasting decades of your life.

I have been through debt and anxiety myself, as have many people on this forum.

I hope you go see a psychiatrist if you haven't already.

They can do a lot with most types of anxiety.

We're glad you're here amigo.

EndGameNYC

What's the point of doing anything? "In the end," we don't know anything about "the end" until we get there. The point is to stick around long enough to get there.

No one is born with a built-in purpose in life, and though many have tried, we cannot borrow it from someone else. We may get away with it for a time, but it will never fit well enough to call it our own. No one can give it to you either.

I don't know you very well at all, but it seems that at a very young age you've experienced failure, frustration, and disappointment and all the other great things that come with living an alcoholic life, the sole purpose of which is to destroy ourselves, and to hell with anyone we take with us. But suicide? Really? You were just a kid a few years ago, and you're ready to give up?

When I read comments like yours, I start to think that maybe there is some purpose to my life. But there isn't, so I just keep on moving. Life sucks, and even when it doesn't, it's very hard. Yet people keep on going. Does there really need to be a reason why? Are you so certain that what comes after taking your own life, if there's anything at all, will be so much better than living out your life? I've got some things in my life that are meaningful to me, but I may never know what my Purpose is, even if I insist that I know what it is. Having survived all the suffering I've generated for myself across the decades, I'm okay with that. But, "in the end," is it knowing we crave? Or believing?

Though I'm certain you've had your fair share of suffering in your life, and maybe more, you haven't been around long enough to know what it is to repeatedly fail, to have your own thinking taunt you to the extent that you want to kill yourself, to feel crazy wherever you go, to not "fit in," to feel so alone that even loneliness deserts you, and then work through all of that, come to acknowledge existence for what it is, regardless of both inevitable and avoidable suffering, start to take seriously the unhealthy parts of you that keep on knocking you down and, "in the end," get to a better place.

I've witnessed powerful resistance to the reality that, both here and IRL, and one that I've written about many times, that the very act and the continued struggle to make life better, or to simply make it suck less, is transformational, and reliably brings us to a better place. I now just take it for granted that this is how life works, and that there isn't any compelling argument against it. The only requirement for success is to stick with it and, even then, that doesn't guarantee that we'll get what we want. Today, I'm extremely grateful for the things I wanted, or thought I wanted, but never got. If we do nothing else, by getting involved in the struggle, it's possible that we'll get something even better than we wanted, like wisdom. Or generosity. Or simple human decency. Or a drive to help others who have even less than we do.

As human beings, we are both incredibly persistent, and outlandishly notorious for how easily we quit, particularly in relationship to all that we can experience over the course of a lifetime, all that we can learn to help ourselves to help people who need help. The surest way of surviving chronic suffering is to take care of someone who needs more help than we do. Few people seem to believe this, and even fewer act on it. We're too busy convincing ourselves-- and anyone who'll listen -- that no one has it worse than we do.

I don't know or don't recall your history, but what have you done to make things better? To make your life worth living? Maybe just as important, what haven't you done?

"In the end," we aren't what's happened to us. We're what we choose to become.

jimmyc

EndGame... strong words buddy, however I feel a bit too strong for someone like me at the moment. I haven't been around long enough to know what this is all about? I was "just a kid" a few years ago? I thank you for your post as it was insightful, however it felt a little.... blameworthy.

Thanks everyone else for their posts also.

Today has been... Well I don't even know how to describe it really - Constant sickness (guess that's the meds)... Constant bad thoughts, no drink though. So in reply to your post, EndGame, no drink today and I'm thankful for that.

EndGameNYC

Well, at least it got you thinking about something else besides suicide, at least for the moment. Your reply also demonstrates that you've got more than enough life in you to keep on going.

I was, in fact, questioning your decision and how you arrived at it. Suicide is a choice, and not one that I take lightly. Granted, the choice is usually made by a mind that is not altogether stable at that moment, but it is not something that strikes us out of the blue. You brought up a lot of powerful feelings in me, and likely for others who've survived other people's failed and successful attempts at killing themselves. When someone makes a threat, the last thing I'm going to do is sit idly by.

I may not hav had a part in saving your life, by I'm much more moved by the fact that you're still alive than any feelings you might have about my comments or my motivations for posting them.

LadyBug66

This comment is true for me. I've had a couple of friends commit suicide and I play over and over in my head..... how could I have helped?! Did they not know how much they meant to me?! This may sound selfish but I almost got angry at them for what it did to me.... Even though they never talked about it when I hear someone is thinking about it; it upsets me and I just want to tell them I CARE and there are others that care .... please just reach out!

zjw

ladybug for what its worth I've been told how suicide is a very selfish choice on there part. People can get so wrapped up into what shappening to them they do themselves in and dont realize the turmoil they cause everyone else because of said decision. It stings those close to them really bad and for many years to come.

I had a dream recently about someone close to me who killed themselves years ago. in the dreeam we where all going to a memorial service for this person. and this person showed up askign for forgiveness and explaining how deeply sorry he was. He had no idea the ramifications of his actions would be so severe.

Now that ignorace is an an excuse per say. but sometimes people are doing there best in life and there best might not be good enough but considering there sick mind and troubles its the best that they got and they may not have meant to hurt those around them even tho they inadvertantly did.

I read another story about a guy jumped off the golden gate bridge. said as soon as he jumped he changed his mind and didnt wanna die but alas too late or was it. He barely survived. So I guess not everyone wanted it to really happen.

In my case with the dream I found that the dream gave me a great deal of closure to the situation. There was a lot of loose ends left behind as a result of this persons actions.

It stinks!

zjw

and for what its worth in my life I've only know fathers who did themselves in and left there families behind to pick up the pieces and clean up the messes.

at my age now and having gone through what i'e gone through I think its a perspective I"m glad I now have. becuase when i was at my worst was when i had kids and a wife to think about and coul dlook to there situations and go do i really wanna do that to my family? rather then being oblivious to the ramifications of it.

thomas11

Jimmy, my gut tells me you are young as well. I can state very strongly that you would be wise beyond your years to take some of the advice that has been given to you (and it was FREE!). The world may feel like its falling apart around you, I assure you it isn't. Pull yourself together bud. Seriously, listen to EndGame, he knows what he speaks of. Your world is just getting RE-started. One life came to a close because of your problems....a new one starts. Keep us posted.

MattM316

Anxiety was probably the worst thing for me.
At the end of the day I think the only option is to take a few days off to yourself where you can just try and relax.

Debt is a worry, but ring the companies you owe money to and just explain to them your situation.
They are very understanding as long as you let them know you won't be paying anytime soon. Just let them know.

jimmyc

Thanks for your words guys and girls. I feel I may have provoked a few bad reactions, and for that I'm sorry - That's not what I'm here for. I will consider this in the future.

I was given medication a few days ago and have been taking it as prescribed. Since taking it I haven't really had the urge to drink at all. I mean the urge is completely gone - It's totally uninteresting. On the same token, however, so is everything else. I was warned meds will make me feel worse before better, but I'll have to power through it like I got through alcohol withdrawal. Feeling a lot more relaxed compared to before (can't even get my heart rate up).

Counselling to be arranged in a week or two. I feel like I'm on my way to hitting a milestone; that alcohol was not a cause but a symptom of underlying complications.

I will continue to check in every few days, however, as the spirit within this forum is powerful and uplifting.