SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Alcoholism (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/)
-   -   Full disclosure. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/398263-full-disclosure.html)

Delizadee 09-28-2016 10:36 PM

Full disclosure.
 
In short order because I am done with this day.

I have been dreading the weekend that just came and went. I drank before I went, I have drank steadily more since I came back.
I have been to zero meetings.
I have not been to dayprogramming once.
I literally binged and purged my way home on a 7 hour drive.
I spent more money on food binges in the past week than I've spent on booze in the past month and I am utterly disgusted with myself.
I keep buying booze to try and quell the binge cycle.
Doesn't work. I drink, don't get drunk, go right to some kind of midabdominal attack that leaves me writhing in pain and throwing up anyways. Still drink afterwards, because, ya know. I'm smart like that.

Not only have I missed umpteen meetings and dayprogram. I've missed two appointments already, not on purpose.

I want to throw in the towel. I was sober all weekend. Had its high points... had excruciatingly low points.

Black&white me... just has had enough. Don't want to feel. Everything effing hurts. There is no order in my life at all only chaos once again.

I didn't want to post this. But if I don't it will never stop. I do not know how to stop the ping pong between my addictions. It's exhausting... it's maddening. It makes me want to die.
I know my meds and my sleeping and now my eating and once, again, back to drinking are ******* everything up. And missing my appointment with my counsellor. Once I lose my grip... I just really lose it. And when I lose it. Well we all know how that cookie crumbles. It gets harder to reach out, to try harder. blah blah

I have so many emotions to deal with from this weekend that I have stuffed and drowned in food and booze. They're still there.

God help me, because I am falling apart. And I just want it to stop. I am such a failure.

Caramel 09-28-2016 10:38 PM

((hugs)) and ((hugs)) Delizadee.
Sorry that things have been rough for you.

Snarly 09-28-2016 10:49 PM

Hi Delizadee,

I'm Snarly. Nice to meet you.

I'm new here. 8/9 days sober.

Just went through a few nasty days myself but the folks on this site were extremely patient getting me past a really rough couple of days.

You hit a note with me regarding stomach pains. My body was screaming at me during and after my 10 day binge. Stomach cramps and couldn't hold anything down. My binge was on top of the insane amount I was drinking all day and night.

So bad I did go see a Doctor. Got some really bad news and that's a
huge factor why I'm here.

I think I can relate somewhat. Try not to beat yourself up.

Look forward to further chats.

Dee74 09-28-2016 11:08 PM

Maybe the way back is to start the things you've been missing Del - the meetings the counsellor the dayprogramming.

I think you need to break the cycle - now - before you get deeper into it..

'I don't wanna' really isn't a good enough excuse?

D

DolAndel 09-29-2016 02:27 AM

Thanks for posting Delizadee. Hope tomorrow is less stressful for ya.

Gottalife 09-29-2016 03:48 AM

I see you have been doing lots of meetings in the past. Did you ever get into the steps, if so, how far?

Soberwolf 09-29-2016 03:57 AM

You are 5000% not a failure black & white me implores you to stay sober you will decrease the cravings like this

Don't let the urges & cravings get the better of you .. we both know drinking will keep making things worse you don't want to drink it is you are finding this overwhelming and it was the same for anyone who truly got sober the early days were monstrous at times just felt like falling into a heap and wanted to cry my heart out .. sometimes i did but I didn't drink .. there was uncomfortable evenings where no matter what it was all that was on my mind but I knew in my soul this would pass it wasn't overnight but it was made a heck of a lot more bearable being surrounded by the support of AA & now SR make full use of the support here participate in threads when you feel ok aswell as not ok it makes all the difference

If I can ever help by listening or whatever just send a pm & know we are all rooting for you ok x

ChiefBromden 09-29-2016 04:45 AM


Originally Posted by Delizadee (Post 6153228)
I do not know how to stop the ping pong between my addictions. It's exhausting... it's maddening.

For what it's worth, I was in a somewhat similar situation, only in my case I had the feeling I had to choose between horrible physical pains and living through them sober, or drink and numb that same pain.

The irony was that alcohol was the best painkiller I was able to find to keep the neuropathic pains under control. Yet alcohol was also the reason I had it in the first place, and it was also make it worse.

Somehow, breaking that cycle was my way out to deal with both. Something I didn't think was possible, but by going for sobriety I also managed to reduce those pains - even though it took a while, and I had to bite my teeth. Double bite even.

But I got there. And so can you. I don't need to state the obvious that going to 0 meetings is what keeps you in this state of agony. No matter how bad you feel, no matter where you are in the process or in between your addictions, going to those meetings, asking for help, accepting help from others, believing in a way out will be the key to find recovery and peace. I'm sure you can do it.

Abigmess 09-29-2016 05:11 AM

I got ten days sober, then decided I can drink bourbon without beer. Well obviously it doesn't matter what I drink. If I drink alcohol I always drink more than I planned on . I ***(&d up today, but tomorrow I don't have to drink and I'm hanging on to that.

KAD 09-29-2016 05:26 AM

What Dee said. If you know the way back out, why not start heading in that direction instead of deeper into the darkness? I know it's not easy, and I know from dealing with similar situations with my own children, it sets off a lot of disturbing, conflicting emotions whenever we do get to spend time with them. I urge you to start making your way back to recovery. Beating yourself up over this recent setback won't get you any closer, but staying in it will only get you further and further away.

August252015 09-29-2016 05:46 AM

Morning, Del-
What is your plan today?
Wishing you good choices and being ready to get out of the darkness for good. You can do it.

Lightning Bug 09-29-2016 09:13 AM

Hey Deli, I am in recovery from bulimia, 4 years now. If you ever want to talk, PM. I understand.

Bunny211 09-29-2016 12:41 PM

Sending you lots of hugs.
I too suffered from anorexia and bulimia. My addictions...it was like playing whack a mole with them at times. Since working the steps, as they are laid out in the big book of AA, I have not had the urge to drink or binge and purge or starve myself/self harm. I am not sure where you stand with regard to recovery methods but AA worked for me. Big hugs to you sweetie.

dox 09-29-2016 12:55 PM

Hi, Delizadee,

I am an alcoholic.
I have been to a few OA meetings.
You know how they recover from eating disorders?

They get a sponsor and work through the 12 steps as outlined in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't know if you've tried it.
But, for me, it works.
It really does.

Edit: Just saw Bunny's post. Guess I'm repeating.
Not to worry; I needed to hear things more than twice before I decided to take action.
All the best on your recovery,
Mind how you go.
~dox

Outonthetiles 09-29-2016 01:01 PM

Hey Del, hang in there. This **** can be defeated. You can do it!

Delizadee 09-30-2016 04:16 PM

:grouphug:

Thanks guys.

My addictions counselor squeezed me in today because she really wanted to see me after my weekend with the kids. I was honest with her about everything. Really, I can't not be honest with her. She asks hard questions and she knows how to cut through the BS. We discussed a lot of what went on. I spent much of the session crying. Something I hate doing. I told her how I can see these triggers coming a million miles away but I have no idea what to do with them on the other side.
Her view was that what I was seeing as triggers and cravings was grief and trauma from my past that was not dealt with and because I hadn't worked through it, I carry "I am bad, I am wrong" shame with me through everything and I have no healthy coping mechanisms. I just stuff it up and try to drown it by numbing myself out anyway I can. There have been times when I do good when I can sit through the tough emotions when I sober. There are events on the other hand that I emotionally shut down and I do anything to be numb.
My daughter did that to me after two wonderful days together.
When I asked her the wall came down and she totally shut me out. It was extremely painful. I told her she could unload on me anyway she wanted to, I apologized, told her I loved her, my dad and I implored her to talk. She just stuck with "I want to go home, I want to call my dad".

But I got to spend some time alone with my son and youngest one. That was nice. We had good long talks, spent time together at the park and snuggled lots on the weekend. Tearful goodbyes. My heart hurts.
My counselor gave me a huge hug today. She can see the progress and she says I get stuck on the bad instead of building on the good. I'm stuck in the generational cycle of having the inner dialogue of what my parents have spoken to me. I just keep reinforcing the negative. I fell back into the negative talk. EVERY little step back I take I beat the hell out of myself mentally. To the point where I can't see the 4 steps forward I took.


Gottalife, Bunny, Bug, I am starting to work on a step study with the group which is my unofficial home group. I have no sponsor here and I am JUST getting into it. I skidded through the steps on my own the first go round.
I did dig pretty deeply on step 4. And that's where I stopped.
There's a few things that stick out to me that if I'm going to be rigorous with anything, it needs to be honesty and to stop taking half measures. I've got the work book for the step study and I'm going to work through two women's recovery books (they both revolve around the 12 steps written through 2 women drs who have worked their way through recovery and tailored their books to doing the steps for women).
Somewhere along the line, I sat there and realized I have not read anything of the big book beyond the basic steps, tradition, preamble and stories at the back. I bought it for my kindle and started reading it.
Shake my head at myself... talk about half measures. Not reading the whole book and working the steps by myself, convinced I had it licked since I was sober.
Bunny and dox, I really do believe the 12 steps will really help with my addictive obsessions all around. The book "Addiction is the Symptom" addresses recovery as a whole in our lives. I know the work I did already on the steps brought out a lot of stuff.
I am going to be working with the help of one of the higher ups? oldtimers? who runs the step study. He is going to be helping me through emails and phone calls and in person when I go to Sunday meetings where I can bring my daughter.

So I am back at day program. In sharing circle I sat the lone woman in the group. And as I started to speak the tears flowed down my face. A lot of pain and gratitude coming out. My day program counselor said, You know who's crying? Your inner child. Let her cry so she can start to heal. So I had a lot of tears and laughs at day group today. I am emotionally exhausted.

I can do a lot of hard work if it means I don't have to think about things. I am lazy and disorganized and unmotivated when it comes to myself because I have a hard time believing I'm worth it putting the effort into.

So, back to AA, back to day program, back to reading recovery material, back to working the program of AA, back to organizing my life, back to dusting myself off.
Next week we're going to be starting the intake forms for family treatment with my addictions counselor. So rehab is still very much on the table. My counselor thinks the structure will really help me and it's a great program so I'm told.

Well we will see. Thanks for all the love and hugs and understanding.
I think sometimes the "I don't wanna" just comes from not having the coping skills and wanting to shut off life for awhile. Crawl in bed with netflix and pretend that's my world. But when I see the work that my own counselors have done and the people I go to program with, I know it's not what I really want.

Sorry for the novel. Thanks for "listening". <3

Dee74 09-30-2016 04:32 PM

Barracking for you Del :)

D

EndGameNYC 09-30-2016 06:04 PM


Originally Posted by Delizadee (Post 6155623)
I told her how I can see these triggers coming a million miles away but I have no idea what to do with them on the other side.

Her view was that what I was seeing as triggers and cravings was grief and trauma from my past that was not dealt with and because I hadn't worked through it, I carry "I am bad, I am wrong" shame with me through everything and I have no healthy coping mechanisms. I just stuff it up and try to drown it by numbing myself out anyway I can. There have been times when I do good when I can sit through the tough emotions when I sober. There are events on the other hand that I emotionally shut down and I do anything to be numb.

You're counselor knows what she's doing.

You're very courageous, and you're doing a great job by putting yourself out there the way you do with someone who can actually walk with you towards a place of healing. In comparison to the entire human race, almost nobody does that. In fact, there is nothing at all nonconformist or rebellious about choosing suffering over a life well-lived, since the majority of the population choose the latter. The question becomes, then, not whether or not I've been a success or failure as a human being, or something in-between but, to echo the final scene of Saving Private Ryan, whether or not I've lived a good life. Perhaps the scariest question known to humankind, only second to the answer.

I get so frustrated when I hear or read people say or write things such as, "Why dredge up the past? It will only make things worse?" "I/we don't have to look at my/our awful past. It's over. Just move on." "What's the point of making amends? It will only bring up the past and make things worse?" "That was then, this is now." As though any of these responses explain anything at all in the Universe, while stoking the flames of personal misery. Such dismissive remarks demonstrate, and very clearly to me, that the person has not only learned to accept pain and suffering without the slightest protest, but that there is also no other option and, in fact, no better way for them to live. By living according to such dogma, being dismissive of the ridiculous notion of living a better life and "hearing" ourselves being dismissed by other people, whether real or delusional, becomes a way of life. I can spot someone like this a mile away, which is only partly due to the fact that this is the line of thinking -- though it's not truly 'thinking' at all -- that dominated most things of any significance in my life until I first got sober thirty three years ago. I have a nose for misery.

My frustration around this phenomenon, and the easy, accompanying dismissal of the importance of working through past trauma and abuse, often turns to anger. Yet we would not be human, and the world would be a very different place, if most people didn't decide to trade in happiness or fulfillment for the illusion of security.

People who have been abused become abusive. Either to themselves or others. Often both. And abuse is rarely as obvious as the Devil knocking at our doors with a pitchfork and horns.

We do all that verbal dancing around the dangers or insignificance of "dredging up the past" because we're so ashamed of ourselves, and we carry so much self-loathing, that we don't even deserve to be healthy, to live a better life, to truly leave the events of the past behind, which is not at all the same thing as forgetting. Of this we are convinced.

We live, without dissent, as though these past events are still taking place, and that they will never end. We over-identify with past abuse and trauma to the extent that it would be the moral equivalent of suicide to work through all of the hurt, and eventually let it go. And because we've been telling ourselves the same lies, over and over again, throughout or lives, we are in effect doing the heavy lifting for our earlier tormentors, whether we continue to engage them, cut off contact with them, or when they're dead. In turn, we develop a readiness to see and hear the same criticisms from other people, even when they don't communicate such things at all, either by word or intention. Everyone and everything becomes the enemy.

M. Scott Peck wrote a book that many people here are probably familiar with, entitled The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. The original publishing date is December 25, 1978. I was sober when I read it, so it was at least five years later, and probably much later than that, when I read it. It was a little too "New-Agey" for me at the time, but I didn't allow that to blind me of the universal truths that he conveyed in a very accessible way. A couple of years later, he wrote another book, People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil, which I found to be much more compelling. Among his most prominent premises was that the people who most need help are precisely the people who are most unfit and/or unwilling to get it; the plight of being human, and the very source of evil.

None of us is doing anyone any favors by not getting the help we need, particularly ourselves, and more particularly those we claim to love or care for. But so many of us either dismiss the help we need in a variety of different ways, or we just "never get around to it." It is the ultimate act of selfishness and both the endorsement and condemnation of our humanity. Endorsement because that's what the vast majority of people on the planet do with reliable and no-longer-startling regularity, and condemnation because we actively choose to live a life without the possibility of redemption.

I'm indifferent to the plight of humanity. It's too big a concept for me to form any attachment with it and, ultimately, there's nothing I can do to change what we are. Nor would I want to. In fact, I don't really care. But it does break my heart when I see individuals voluntarily put themselves through a life that is a living hell. Or, to quote Henry David Thoreau, to "lead lives of quiet desperation."

If I don't require myself to learn from my suffering, then what's the point?

EndGameNYC 09-30-2016 06:35 PM

"...there is nothing at all nonconformist or rebellious about choosing suffering over a life well-lived, since the majority of the population choose the latter."

The former.

Delizadee 09-30-2016 10:31 PM

Endgame, I always enjoy your posts.

Everything you say is true. I know it is for myself and my life, and when I speak of the generational cycle, it's the parenting as we're taught and always trying to do better but still, the cycle is hard to break. And YES absolutely, the abuse is handed down either internally or externally.

I have sat through dozens, and dozens of meetings, and in the past counselling sessions, and I'm sure I've posted it on here enough times too, that I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. Sitting through meetings and sharing circles and watching and listening to these people speak about real, raw feelings and genuine growth through spiritual healing, seeing all the good, the bad and the ugly come out and know that none of the people I meet in these rooms are bad people at all. I sit there and think, what the hell is wrong with me? Everything I say that comes out of my mouth is such BS.

I know my counselor is good- she is amazing. She speaks of her own recovery so openly, and let's me lead the conversation and redirecting where needed.
She is very good at shooting the arrow right into the middle of the conversation and examining it.

What you said about the general feelings about dealing with the past, and how most of people view things. That is my internal struggle. I want to do better but I don't know how to do better. My counselor talked about how recovery was like heaven and her life before was hell. But you don't know until you've really gotten to the other side and then you know you never want to go back.
But you have to walk through the pain so it doesn't drag you down throughout life.
And this just made me cry so much. She asked why I was crying.
I need to get over it. I need to put up or shut up. I'm not allowed to dwell on the past. That's what goes through my head. All the time. The inner dialogue of every negative thing my parents have said to me now comes in my own voice.
And the walking through it, how the hell do you that? And what's on the other side?

And thank you for saying I'm courageous, and all the other kind words that have been said. I know a lot of us try to keep ourselves pretty small (unless I get into the false bravado of "I'm done! No more drinking ever!") The only time I feel any sense of good about myself is when I'm helping other people. In small or big ways. There's no part of me that wants to help myself, or so I thought. I feel like a very shallow person. Or at least very walled in.


there is nothing at all nonconformist or rebellious about choosing suffering over a life well-lived
I've always felt that a lot of us suffer from living life in default. It's just easier. Which, like everything you said in your post is ridiculous to say. Isn't living life in default kind of a longer, more drawn out version of suicide through addiction? As said it's choosing a life of misery instead of walking through the fire to a life of happiness.

I don't think I was ready before to do the work because I've always been too scared of not only walking through the pain but finding out what's on the other side. Who am I if I am not my addictions (or mental illnesses), because it's all I've known for almost my entire life?

I can sort of start to see connecting the dots again like I did when I was sober with the February class. It's starting to click in my head that this is not an instant gratification thing. I don't put down the drink and get better. I don't get better and keep drinking. I don't get a passing grade if I don't do the work.

And I'll be honest, I don't like doing this work. I hate crying in front of other people and I sure did a lot of it today. Being vulnerable is scary. And it's tiring. And both my counselors keep saying it's ok to cry.. just doesn't make it easy. Breaking down these mental and emotional walls and knowing that being vulnerable is ok.
I don't know, maybe I do have a crack at this whole recovery thing.
Last night I was on my knees crying and praying for strength and guidance and I just felt so weak. I think I needed to surrender to being vulnerable. Too much ego and fear in the way.

What a week. I feel like my heart has been ripped out my chest yet I'm somehow still alive. I am so unbelievably grateful for you all, and for the counselors I have now and the people I meet.

Back to whack-a-mole (thanks Bunny that made me laugh :) )
and I have a lot of reading and homework to do before sunday.
You're all a lot of wonderful peeps.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 AM.