Overwhelming regret
 

Hi all.

I'm doing ok, coming up to 8 months sober....got a sponsor, doing meetings when I can, living in the steps, generally juggling life and its demands and winning mostly.

But, sometimes I get feelings of overwhelming sadness over the wasted years especially in regard to my kids. My son and his girlfriend are making plans to move out. I'm thrilled for them, they've both worked very hard to save and are a great couple. My daughter is headed back to start her last year at university.

Maybe it's just empty nest feelings, but I so wish I could have their childhood years again and do it properly this time. Give them the love and attention they deserved and been fully awake and present throughout. I used to think I had serious bouts of depression when they were little, as I felt remote and unconnected. Now I think it was largely due to my alcoholism which shut me off from them emotionally.

I love them both so much and we are creating happy memories now. I know their childhood wasn't all bad, just to see them living happy and well balanced adult lives proves it wasn't a total disaster for them.

But I missed so much of it through being lost and dissociated. I have real blanks in my memories. Most weekends I was drunk or hungover and there was so much wasted time.

These feelings of shame and regret are haunting me, and I'm having trouble moving past them.

I've had good quality sober time in my past, and I must have come to terms with it all then, but this time it is hurting so much. I fear I could get lost in the pain.

Hi Jen,

Sending you a BIG hug. :grouphug:
Remember to focus on the now. You are there for your kids now.

Thanks Andy.

A friend just reminded me that many parents look back with regret whether alcoholic or not. She is divorced and bitterly regrets the impact that had on her kids lives.

It's probably just the letting go of them and watching them take their independent steps out into the world that has brought all this on. It is a kind of grief and loss. Not easy to explain.

Your a good mum Jeni I know by your post hun :hug:

Congrats on 8 months, Jeni. Sobering up while parenting seems like a major accomplishment. You don't need to be so hard on yourself that you risk a relapse. Hopefully your concerns aren't cutting into your sleep too much?

Congrats on 8 months Jeni :)

In the years I've known you, you've always been kind and thoughtful caring and loving and open to making amends.

And...like the rest of us, you've always been kinda unforgiving on yourself.

Beating yourself up over the past is a very alcoholic thing to do - there is no solution, no do overs, and the remedy for that insolubility often comes in the shape of a bottle....

I have a long hstory of things I could be resentful about, but now my relationship with my folks doesn't depend on what happened back in the 70s or the 80s... it's based on the now.

Be the best you you can be - and I'd bet anything, it's more than enough :)

D

Thanks Dee, thanks everyone. I'm not close to drinking but it takes practice to live in the solution and not dwell on things which can't be changed.

There are honestly so many positives in my life, for which I'm truly grateful. But this feeling is really hard to shake off.

They deserved so much better.

But I have a great relationship with them both now, and that's a lot more than I deserve, so I really need to try and stop focusing on the wrong things.

Just habit I guess.

This may not help but think of the gift that you have a life time to build a new relationship with them. My daughter is gone and that is a luxury I will never have. My daughter excepted my amends and saw me sober for 5 years which certainty was a gift but it breaks my heart that I could not give more than I did.

Build a new life. A life built on sobriety and love. Learn from the past but do not waste a second of today

I think it's imperative to separate ourselves from our addiction.

Drunk I did selfish stupid and, yes, bad things which I absolutely have to take responsibility for...but that doesn't make me a bad person.

D

I suppose it might be amplified by addiction/alcoholism, but I think what you are feeling seems normal for most parents. I don't know any who think they did the perfect job. I know plenty who wish they had done some things differently, not done other things, and would love to be able to go back and redo it all, and make a better job of it. I feel like that. There are many things I would like to revisit, and I my drinking was over long before the children arrived.

I guess that is why God will give us grandchildren (I hope!). I am really looking forward to them, though there is no sign of anything on the horizon yet. Grandchildren would be the one thing that would get me sailing for home.

That brought me to my senses...thanks MiR. I have a great gift, 2 of them actually...and a future that I know you were robbed of. Thanks for your words. ❤️

I'm looking forward to Grandchildren too. Very much. Although both my kids tell me that I'm going to wait a few more years yet...😊

giving it to God and turning my attention to something more useful works pretty good......when I let go. I don't always just let go of something from my past that pops up. sometimes I leave claw marks.

Congrats on 8 months! Hey, we're only human. Progress, not perfection is the name of the game.

Hi Jeni,

Congrats on 8 months! I have three kids 9, 11, and 13, and I am just about nine months sober. I had periods of sobriety in the past and during each pregnancy and nursing, but I also regret time I wasted drinking.

I know I could have been more present for them many times. I love my kids more than anything, and I am now giving them the gift of my sobriety in addition to that love.

As a working mom, I still always feel guilty, less so now that I am sober. However, it is that constant balance between worrying about them while I am at work, and work issues when I am with them. This is one of the reasons I have tried to really focus on mindfulness, it helps with some of the past regrets as well.

Considering your daughter is finishing up University, and your so is happily settling into this next phase of his life it sounds like you did a darn good job as a mom.

Sending lots of love your way.

❤️Delilah

Arghhh. Regret, leave my head. Been watching "Grace and Frankie." The Lily Tomlin character says things like that a lot. I think I know how you are feeling, Jeni. I was not present emotionally for my child when he was young. Lots of reasons, none of them valid. I will regret that forever. I don't have an answer , other than that I try to make amends for this (privately) whenever the opportunity arises. I am there for him and his family now. That's all I can do. Good luck. Peace.

Jeni,

I can100% relate to what you said. I am a single mom of 15 year old twins. I REALLY struggle with what my drinking did to them. What they saw that they shouldn't have. I did everything correctly for a while. I was hyper vigilant during my pregnancy with eating properly, supplements etc. I did everything right to bring them in to this world as healthy babies. I was such a good mom when they were little.

Then chaos ensued as I found out things about my now xh. I filed for a divorce and it rocked my world. It was everything that I had to get through the divorce. When he was finally gone and it was "safe" for me, I fell apart. Drinking started. I was still the room mother, soccer coach, still ran my kids around to everything that they needed to be at. They had or went to sleepovers every weekend it seems. During that time I drank. Mainly at night and dealt with the hangovers the next day. Had zero (still have zero) help physically or monetarily from my xh. My "white picket fence life" was shattered with my divorce. I felt like a failure - mainly for "choosing or marrying" the man that is their father.

I KNOW this is the thingthat I struggle with THE most right now. I have ALWAYS wanted kids. And I have 2 AWESOME and super smart kids who are very well liked and established in their school system. I am so thankful and grateful for that.

The only thing that I think that we can do is to continue living right and sober in this moment. The memories and experiences that they've been through cannot be changed. I hope that for my two that they realize (and I know that they do for now) that I was two different people with and without alcohol. I hope that they know that although my choice to drink was BAD for years that I always loved them and that I did then best that I thought that I could to get through some really dark, dark times. The morals and values that my kids have at 15 are those of mine (while sober). I hope that they realize that I love them more than anything in the world.

I watched the Elizabeth Vargas interview on 20/20. One thing that she said really rang true for me. She said I would die for my kids in a split second. I would do anything for them. But I could not stop drinking for them. This was so true for me for a while too.

I do not know if this helps or not. But you're not alone.

Thanks all. Someone else just told me...'your biggest regret can become your greatest asset if you use your experience to help others'

So true.

Have you tried Meditation?
:Meditate:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6149688

Yes. I did a course on mindfulness meditation a while back. I just need to make time in my busy schedule for it. I've let up on the very things that keep me positive and focused. Work continues to take so much of my energies...I've let doubt creep back in. I'm so very fortunate to still have kids who want me to be a part of their lives. I just need to remember that God doesn't want me to be morbid or unhappy, it's the whispers from the beast who wants to drag me back into the darkness and I'm having none of it.

Thank you all ❤️