JensDestiny

I guess I don't really have a question so much as just feeling the need to say what is on my mind. I apologize in advance if this is confusing; just typing my thoughts.

I haven't been on this site for quite some time but have been feeling really down lately. I would like to add that I have not had a drop of alcohol since 6/5/2014 and I have NO desire at all to drink right now.

I have no friends. *This is not a sober issue for me though; I didn't have friends when I was drinking either but I guess it didn't bother me then.

I have spent the biggest part of my life isolating myself from others and alcohol certainly helped contribute to that greatly. I was an "at-home" alcoholic. I drank by myself 99% of the time. And, when I finally quit drinking... well, I did that alone too. I went to a first time appointment at a rehab center and was worried that it would interfere with my job so that wouldn't work. I had also tried, unsuccessfully, going to AA several times before but always felt out of place and it caused my anxiety to go crazy.

More recently, I have been finding myself longing for friendship. I wish I had a special connection with someone; not a bottle this time.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Jen. Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely/down - but a very big congratulations on over 2 years of sobriety, that's a fantastic achievement.

Perhaps reaching out here to some "virtual" friends would be good way to start dipping your toes in the water to meet some people in person too? I am several years into sobriety myself and I'm still re-learning how to do a lot of things. I think for me the nature of my addiction spills into many other areas in my life. We have that "instant gratification" need where we want it NOW. And when we don't get it right away we take it out on ourselves as failure. There can be a middle ground though....give yourself some credit for all you've done, and all you can do.

DolAndel

Thanks for sharing this with us. You'll always have friends here, although I know it doesn't completely fill the need for meaningful f2f relationships.

I felt like the longer I drank and smoked the worse my eye contact got in social situations to the point it made it really hard to make friends. I think I thought ppl wouldn't notice how stoned I was if I wasn't engaging them in eye contact.

As I am working on being more social myself, I'm trying to do a better job of "smiling with my eyes" to seem more approachable. I always hated hearing that phrase as I've usually heard it from manipulative middle managers, but I do think eye contact plays a huge part in coming off warm and inviting to others.

Good luck!

lyddie

Congratulations on your two years of sobriety. That is an achievement to be proud of.

Have you looked into therapy and\or counseling options in your area? Getting out, going to new activities, meeting new people, making friends when you haven't really been very social is HUGE. I wonder if working with a counselor on a realistic plan to make all these changes in your life would be helpful.

Bunny211

Hi there. I was SO LONELY when I first got sober. My sponsor pushed pushed pushed me to make new friends. She kept telling me I couldn't live in a vacuum...and she was right. What sorts of things are you interested in? I really had to change my friends around when I got sober and it was hard. I met a lot of folks through AA but I branched out as well. I started joining some MeetUp groups involving outdoorsy activities. I began walking and hiking more and more. I joined a church and attended a beginner's Bible study (I'm such an irreverent person that this was laughable at the time) and made a wonderful friend there. She moved back to Colorado in June and last week I flew out to see her...together we hiked a glacier, saw the "Garden of the Gods" rock formations, drove to the top of Pike's Peak and tried out some super awesome Mexican restaurants in the Colorado Springs area. Her husband is a funeral director and I got to do a ride along and pick up a body from the Denver Airport and observe a cremation. Try some new things...be open to discovering what you like and what you don't...and I am sure things will fall into place for you! What an exciting time....when you get sober you get to figure out who you are and what you like to do...what sorts of people, places and things interest you. I had NO CLUE I was outdoorsy. I also had no clue I would be drawn to organic food and body care, sustainable goods etc. I got sober and started to realize what my values were...and they surprised everyone, especially me! I always thought I was a glamour girl...getting dolled up in the latest makeup items from Sephora, and some killer heels. Turns out I really prefer essential oils and organic lip balm and a pair of hiking sneakers. Crazy! Sobriety should be joyful. Take some steps to figure out what God has in store for you...you'll be amazed!

Fly N Buy

Good to hear from you! Always enjoyed your posts, classmate......great to hear your still sober - both still winners

Yea, isolationist - me too. It's part of the package and a layer of my old drinking habits. I thought it was because of a relocation years back, but in sober hindsight I never had many close friends.

Today I find while there a few folks I can reach out to I really don't have any close buddies, so to speak. However, I find that a sense of purpose helps to put this at bay. I signed up for some Red Cross training and keep busy with various projects as well. I do still attend meetings and that helps.

Are you certain now that you have over two years you wouldn't want to occasionally go to a meeting? It's a room full of people like us.........you have some hope, certainly to offer others.

Not trying to be pushy about that but I find I have to make myself get in the middle at times.

Glad you posted, hope you'll consider to do so. If your into any level of NFL we have a guys and gals SR football pool.......love ta have have jump in!!

Kind Regards,
Fly

SnazzyDresser

I can identify with this. I've always been eccentric and enjoyed being alone, but we all are still human and need community, have that need to feel attached and to share our lives a little. I was married for 20 years, got divorced in 2007 and never really got over it, I think. I need to work on being social big-time; next to staying sober I'd say it's my highest priority right now.

Darwinia

Very well done on the sobriety front. Friends. If you want to meet people you will have join special interest groups. AA could be one but rather identify your interests and follow them. That will lead to people that like what you like. Some may become friends.

steve-in-kville

I was a loner and still am. Beyond my wife, its hard to get close to anyone. I drank alone, I quit alone, and looks like I'll be sober alone (so far).

Nothing wrong with being an introvert.

entropy1964

I think loneliness and being a lone wolf is a very common thing for addicts. It certainly is for me.

When I went to treatment 6 weeks ago I was surrounded by addicts, nurses and counselors. I was literally only alone when I went to the bathroom To my surprise I was really happy. I could talk openly about what a crazy person I am. I could share about my alcoholism and not get judged. I was being me for the first time in a very long time.

I, like you, am a solitary person. I drink alone. My experience in treatment made me realize in spades that I need people. I need people in recovery. And I cannot do this alone. I have been sober for up to 2 years, with lots of other spans in between, but I truly believe that long term recovery, for me, will only work with a community of others in recovery.

I don't know if you can re-frame your thinking when you go to AA. All that is a required is a desire to stay sober and recover. You don't have to share....although eventually, if you want support and friendship, you will need to open up...to someone. I believe that will be the case no matter where you decide to make connections. May as well open up where people completely understand you. Just my thoughts.

I completely relate to how you feel. I applaud you for your abstinence and hope you can find a community of friends. You certainly have a virtual one here

Gottalife

I was terrified of my first meetings, never spoke, would never have even gone if I din't have an AA buddy who explained it all to me before taking me. I got hold of him by calling the after hours number.

But just going to meetings didn't fix the loneliness. I felt apart from everyone. They were nice friendly folks, eager to help, yet even in room full of friendly people I still felt alone. Why was that?

One big reason was I thought I must be the worst person there. Alcoholism caused my behaviour to deteriorate faster than I could lower my standards. I did some crazy, sick stuff when I was drunk, betrayed my own values left right and centre. I never heard this stuff talked about in meetings. So I thought no one else was as bad as me and if they knew what I was really like, they would kick me out. What was the solution?

I was desperate, willing to do anything, and I was gullible. I stupidly started following suggestions. I really believed these folks had an answer. One of the suggestions was to get a sponsor, and I was very fortunate in the one I got. Another was to do the steps, and as I was working through that process, a couple of things happened. Firstly my sponsor pointed out, having heard my darkest secrets, that there was nothing unusual about me, that I was just a run of the mill alcoholic that had done the usual alcoholic things. That was a huge relief, I wasn't the worst after all.

The second thing was I suddenly had a whole lot more in common witht the other members who were working the program. I had experience of the steps and recovery, and I had something positive to share. Instead of just going to meetings, I had actually joined AA. The loneliness and shame were gone and have never come back.

Aellyce

I second what Dawinia said. Do you have hobbies, specific interests, or something new you would like to try? Those might be the best ways to meet people and potentially develop friendships. There is the site meetup.com, for example, for specific interest groups, you can also start your own. Maybe a class?

The recovery meetings are of course a good idea but I generally find that it's best even for my recovery not to focus solely on that at all times but get engaged in a variety of things that interest me.

fini

yes, there's a difference between loneliness and alone-ness.

reading your post, i'm thinking how great that you have this healthy desire/longing growing now that you're sober. wanting real friends and connections...hallelujah!

JensDestiny

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and wishes. I am feeling a bit better today and maybe should just try posting on here more often.

As I mentioned, I really have no desire to drink at all right now. Thankfully. However, I also realize that negative thinking can quickly lead to self destruction and I desperately do not want that.

ScottFromWI

Getting your thoughts out there and sharing can be very powerful, even if it's just virtually. It's great to hear that you are feeling better, and I agree...maybe posting a bit more often here would be a good thing!

Mudruck

I gave up my best friend when I stopped drinking. Feeling alone is something I have started to feel as well. I have a wife that I love, yet I still feel alone and seem to lack a purpose in life other then work and bills. Drink used to be my reward and medication. I need to start going back to meetings, even though I have left meetings feeling more alone then before i went. Yet I find that mostly I feel better after a meeting. They give me a perspective that I won't find in my alcoholic mind.
I have a sponser that I never talk to, even though he will answer my calls 24/7. I am sure that I am the issue. I have insecurities that I never got over. In my professional life I am out going. Private life not at all.
Correction in professional life I appear outgoing. Have never actually made a friend from workplace. It is hard to drop my old issues with ppl and trust.
I will keep trying to meet ppl and I will do it at AA meetings for now.
Sorry for the rambling, your post is how I feel right now too.

JensDestiny

Hi Mud.... I am sorry that you are feeling down as well. I feel much the same and definitely feel that this issue lies within me and not others.

I have a professional career as well and I never share my story with anyone that I work with. However, I work from home now and have for the past year so I have even managed to eliminate the day to day socialization of going into the office. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE working remotely and I LOVE my job; it just further allows me to continue "hermitting" myself.

I also have pretty big trust issues and worry about being judged by others. Always afraid of being hurt so sometimes it is easier to just keep to myself. However, I am learning more and more that isn't the key to being happy either.

You are not alone Mud... believe me.

Soberwolf

Your both not alone I do hope things start to improve takes a lil time but together we'll get there

waynetheking

Hi Jens I'm wayne, congratulations on over 2 years of sobriety. That's AWESOME.
You can make a lot of friends at AA or here. Either way I'm just glad you're sober!