help - is this day 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
help - is this day 1
I did 87 days earlier this years but then my dad died and my wife left me for another man and now I can't seem to stop drinking half a bottle of vodka every night and Iknow it is killing me but i can't stop and i want to stop every day i wakeup disgusted at myself. I run and work out and i have a good job but i'm living in hotels and out of my car because i don't have a home and i can't even face my kids who are only 9 and 5 - havn't seen them since she left just can't face it just in trouble and know deep down that before i can begin to get back on my feet i have to stop drinking
just reaching out because i'm going down. I don't even get drunk or hungover anymore it just helps me to sleep
need to do day 1 but there's a bottle right next to me and i want to throw it down the sink - maybe i will - maybe this is the day.
so lonely too
just reaching out because i'm going down. I don't even get drunk or hungover anymore it just helps me to sleep
need to do day 1 but there's a bottle right next to me and i want to throw it down the sink - maybe i will - maybe this is the day.
so lonely too
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I'm sorry for everything thats happened tonesward but honestly if you want things to improve there's really no other option but to stop drinking and embrace recovery.
Drinking will keep you in a holding pattern of grief....we never actually engage with our sadness and work through it...we try and numb it out, but that way the wounds never get a chance to heal and we need to apply our 'medicine' again.
D
Drinking will keep you in a holding pattern of grief....we never actually engage with our sadness and work through it...we try and numb it out, but that way the wounds never get a chance to heal and we need to apply our 'medicine' again.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
poor that sucker out before you can convince yourself not to! sounds like hard hard times and that's when the bottle has it's easiest time talking to you.
good luck! but no matter what don't beat yourself up too hard, that can make it harder if you face the same decision tomorrow.
good luck! but no matter what don't beat yourself up too hard, that can make it harder if you face the same decision tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Imagine your kids growing and being 12 and 8, 20 and 16, and never knowing you as a drinker. Referring to you in 100 ways, but never as Dad who is an active alcoholic. Hold on to that so tight you don't have room to hold the bottle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Western US
Posts: 1,765
Welcome Tonesward. Sorry to here what you are going through. I went through the same a couple of year's ago. I feel for you. Getting the alcohol out of your system is step 1.
Stick around here as this community can give you huge support to help you overcome your drinking. I suggest coming here often and read around and then read some more. In my first days here I was here every chance I had without it I don't believe I would have made it through the first week.
Stick around here as this community can give you huge support to help you overcome your drinking. I suggest coming here often and read around and then read some more. In my first days here I was here every chance I had without it I don't believe I would have made it through the first week.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I have a pretty good life now. I often think what would happen if I lost everything, partner, business, family, property, friends, health, etc.
Would I drink? I don't think so. Why, well I've been there before, and my experience was that these were the ideal circumstances in which to get sober.
Would I drink? I don't think so. Why, well I've been there before, and my experience was that these were the ideal circumstances in which to get sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
Day 2
ok it took me a bit longer but I finally got through my first night in 4 weeks since she left without drinking half a bottle of vodka
Actually feel fantastic right now - waking up without a hangover is kind of epic - got so used to being hungover you forget that it is actually not normal
Anyway I told myself yesterday that I was done drinking - I was determined and I prayed and I asked God to give me strength to find a new direction, I prayed for my Dad in heaven to help me somehow - and yesterday afternoon I got a call about an interview I did for a job in Frankfurt last week - and they have offered me the job!
I didn't expect to get it at all - it's a massive career move, massive job and massive pay rise
Means I will have to move to Germany. I've already booked 3 training courses over the next 4 weeks while I work off my notice because I'm going to have to step up big time to fulfil this role
And what I realize is that if I had still been with my ex then I would not have even applied for this - she wanted me home by 5 every day to look after the kids. Funny,ironic that she ranoff with a workaholic businessman
Anyway - not going to drink. Going to go to Frankfurt and start a new life and grow - won't see the kids for a few years probably but I've got to get out of here. I realize that it was much easier for her to leave because she had a new direction in her life - her new man - Now I have a new direction and suddenly it's all i can think about - going to work harder then I've ever done and look after myself - get super fit - and no more relationships - I'm taking the red pill and going level one MGTOW
I hope I never see or speak to her ever again. I'll miss the kids but they'll grow up anyway - maybe we'll meet up again when they are older. I was a fulltime Dad just a month ago - waking up with them,making them breakfast, playing, talking, bathing them and putting them to bed with stories and cuddles and now it's all gone and I have zero interest in being a part time every other weekend Dad. Havn't seen them and except for one 5 min very painful call - too painful - havn't spoken to them either. I don't think I will for a long time now. I've already booked the whole of christmas away in Morocco so I'll avoid all of that. Anyway
So here we go - Day 2
Actually feel fantastic right now - waking up without a hangover is kind of epic - got so used to being hungover you forget that it is actually not normal
Anyway I told myself yesterday that I was done drinking - I was determined and I prayed and I asked God to give me strength to find a new direction, I prayed for my Dad in heaven to help me somehow - and yesterday afternoon I got a call about an interview I did for a job in Frankfurt last week - and they have offered me the job!
I didn't expect to get it at all - it's a massive career move, massive job and massive pay rise
Means I will have to move to Germany. I've already booked 3 training courses over the next 4 weeks while I work off my notice because I'm going to have to step up big time to fulfil this role
And what I realize is that if I had still been with my ex then I would not have even applied for this - she wanted me home by 5 every day to look after the kids. Funny,ironic that she ranoff with a workaholic businessman
Anyway - not going to drink. Going to go to Frankfurt and start a new life and grow - won't see the kids for a few years probably but I've got to get out of here. I realize that it was much easier for her to leave because she had a new direction in her life - her new man - Now I have a new direction and suddenly it's all i can think about - going to work harder then I've ever done and look after myself - get super fit - and no more relationships - I'm taking the red pill and going level one MGTOW
I hope I never see or speak to her ever again. I'll miss the kids but they'll grow up anyway - maybe we'll meet up again when they are older. I was a fulltime Dad just a month ago - waking up with them,making them breakfast, playing, talking, bathing them and putting them to bed with stories and cuddles and now it's all gone and I have zero interest in being a part time every other weekend Dad. Havn't seen them and except for one 5 min very painful call - too painful - havn't spoken to them either. I don't think I will for a long time now. I've already booked the whole of christmas away in Morocco so I'll avoid all of that. Anyway
So here we go - Day 2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 249
Hi tonesward,
Congratulations on Day 2!
Keep up the good work.
I am on day 9 and really do relate to a lot that you are going through.
You are doing great! Keep it up.
Keep checking in here - there are amazing people who do not judge and provide support and valuable insight on their own experiences.
Feel free to ramble and get it out here - much more satisfying than a hangover.
Really - your in the right place.
Snarly
Congratulations on Day 2!
Keep up the good work.
I am on day 9 and really do relate to a lot that you are going through.
You are doing great! Keep it up.
Keep checking in here - there are amazing people who do not judge and provide support and valuable insight on their own experiences.
Feel free to ramble and get it out here - much more satisfying than a hangover.
Really - your in the right place.
Snarly
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I'm glad you're on day 2, tonesward 
congrats on your job too.
As for your kids - who knows exactly how the future will pan out... the best thing you can do for them regardless is be a sober dad.
D
congrats on your job too.
As for your kids - who knows exactly how the future will pan out... the best thing you can do for them regardless is be a sober dad.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Drinking will keep you in a holding pattern of grief....we never actually engage with our sadness and work through it...we try and numb it out, but that way the wounds never get a chance to heal and we need to apply our 'medicine' again.
D
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im glad you got the job, but just packing up and leaving your kids hanging- THAT is NOT cool. you still have a responsibility to them- both as a father and monetary.
if my dad did and daid this:
"waking up with them,making them breakfast, playing, talking, bathing them and putting them to bed with stories and cuddles and now it's all gone and I have zero interest in being a part time every other weekend Dad. Havn't seen seen them and except for one 5 min very painful call - too painful - havn't spoken to them either. I don't think I will for a long time now. I've already booked the whole of christmas away in Morocco so I'll avoid all of that. "
id think my dad was a selfish,self centered SOB who never loved me in the 1st place. and hope he gets what he deserves.
I feel sorry for your children.
you mention praying to God.
do you think God wants to to just outright abandon your children and your responsabilities for them?
you can move to mars but wherever you go there you are.
if my dad did and daid this:
"waking up with them,making them breakfast, playing, talking, bathing them and putting them to bed with stories and cuddles and now it's all gone and I have zero interest in being a part time every other weekend Dad. Havn't seen seen them and except for one 5 min very painful call - too painful - havn't spoken to them either. I don't think I will for a long time now. I've already booked the whole of christmas away in Morocco so I'll avoid all of that. "
id think my dad was a selfish,self centered SOB who never loved me in the 1st place. and hope he gets what he deserves.
I feel sorry for your children.
you mention praying to God.
do you think God wants to to just outright abandon your children and your responsabilities for them?
you can move to mars but wherever you go there you are.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saudi Arabia
Posts: 476
Congratulations tonesward I wish you luck. As a seasoned expat who has lived and worked worldwide, especially in Morocco (7 years I lived and worked there and speak Arabic) its like taking and a child to a candystore regards alcohol. It is a very liberal country regards Alchol/Drugs/ etc, contrary to other Muslim Countries in North Africa, it is everywhere and dirt cheap. Just beware not to be sucked in as I was while there and its where my disease festered and developed into a monster that I am now only controlling. Best of Luck in new job. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 35
I'd say let your job know what's going on take a medical leave they can't fire you for seeking help. I'd finish that bottle off and get a ride to detox then do a 30 day program and after that go to IOP or a sober house. You have nothing to lose by seeking help. hope everything goes well and you do what's right for you and your kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
Day 3
ok made it through my second night - wasn't too bad but the urge was strong
Anyway thanks for all the support. Going sober has made me do a lot of thinking. I was a husband, a father, a nice guy - and it got me no-where. When she left I have spent the last 4 weeks drinking and working out the best way to kill myself - which by the way is not easy thing to do. In the end my plan was to drink my self to the point where I got a terminal illness and then go to the Netherlands and apply for euthanasia by assisted suicide.
When the marriage ended I felt completely hollow - like i didn't exist anymore. My grip on life was almost insubstantial. And i just wanted to let go and be done with it. I realize that i lost my identity in the marriage. I stopped beingme and became what she wanted me to be. What made me happy was what made her happy. Now she's left me for someone who puts their own needs first and iunderstand now that I should always have done that
I have been unable to stop thinking about her, about her with him, visions of them together in passion are unbearably tormenting - i call this noise. Noise in my head. When she told me what was going on the noise in my head began and only 2 things made itgo away - prayer/meditation and vodka. Not even sleep for she came to me in my dreams every single night. I left the house immediately and spent 2 weeks drinking vodka and sleeping in my car until the police found me slumped over the wheel one morning and I was lucky they let me go with a warning. So I moved into hotels - all this time I kept going to work - doing a high stress job as an IT consultant but all day at work the noise was in my head
I prayed to God to give me strength - over and over. To find strength I had to tap into my core masculinity. Literally lifting weights gave me strength so I started working out twice a day. Eating good food and sleeping well gives me strength so I spend alot on food and now I've stopped drinking because it messes up my sleep so much. Not drinking gives me strength. Anything that gives me strength I am tapping into. Prayer and exercise create moments of peace in my head and my focus is to make more and more of those moments so the noise becomes less and less. And it is working. I am casting away the old me - the nice,loving, caring loser whose wife walked away from and I am embracing a dark, selfish, self serving, focused man that it rising out of the ashes of my former self. I am learning to represent things to myself differently. This was not a bad thing that happened. This has jolted me out of my sleepwalking life of mediocrity. Since she left I have become leaner, stronger, I have got a 50% pay rise in a new job and I'm just looking out for me now. I miss my kids sometimes but I'm learning to just block them out of my mind. One day maybe I'll turn back to them but not now, not for a long time. I want to make my body strong and my heart hard as stone. Get fit, make money, satify my needs and forget everything else. That is what I have to be to stop drinking and move on with my life. I'll never speak or see her again and if that means i lose the kids then so be it. I'll focus on making money and if they need me in later life I'll be there and everything I have I'll leave to them but right now I've got to destroy the man I was and become something new.
You can go to mars and there you are - wrong! The man who goes to mars have been onan inter-steller journey and learned to survive in an alien world - he's not the man who stayed at home anymore. Travel, experience, life - changes who we are. We grow and I realize sometimes we even meta-morphosise. That is happening to me now
Don't expect most to understand. When I first read about Ghost Dads I couldn't understand it. But then it happens to you and you are living it and it is real.
Anyway - day 3 - here goes...
Anyway thanks for all the support. Going sober has made me do a lot of thinking. I was a husband, a father, a nice guy - and it got me no-where. When she left I have spent the last 4 weeks drinking and working out the best way to kill myself - which by the way is not easy thing to do. In the end my plan was to drink my self to the point where I got a terminal illness and then go to the Netherlands and apply for euthanasia by assisted suicide.
When the marriage ended I felt completely hollow - like i didn't exist anymore. My grip on life was almost insubstantial. And i just wanted to let go and be done with it. I realize that i lost my identity in the marriage. I stopped beingme and became what she wanted me to be. What made me happy was what made her happy. Now she's left me for someone who puts their own needs first and iunderstand now that I should always have done that
I have been unable to stop thinking about her, about her with him, visions of them together in passion are unbearably tormenting - i call this noise. Noise in my head. When she told me what was going on the noise in my head began and only 2 things made itgo away - prayer/meditation and vodka. Not even sleep for she came to me in my dreams every single night. I left the house immediately and spent 2 weeks drinking vodka and sleeping in my car until the police found me slumped over the wheel one morning and I was lucky they let me go with a warning. So I moved into hotels - all this time I kept going to work - doing a high stress job as an IT consultant but all day at work the noise was in my head
I prayed to God to give me strength - over and over. To find strength I had to tap into my core masculinity. Literally lifting weights gave me strength so I started working out twice a day. Eating good food and sleeping well gives me strength so I spend alot on food and now I've stopped drinking because it messes up my sleep so much. Not drinking gives me strength. Anything that gives me strength I am tapping into. Prayer and exercise create moments of peace in my head and my focus is to make more and more of those moments so the noise becomes less and less. And it is working. I am casting away the old me - the nice,loving, caring loser whose wife walked away from and I am embracing a dark, selfish, self serving, focused man that it rising out of the ashes of my former self. I am learning to represent things to myself differently. This was not a bad thing that happened. This has jolted me out of my sleepwalking life of mediocrity. Since she left I have become leaner, stronger, I have got a 50% pay rise in a new job and I'm just looking out for me now. I miss my kids sometimes but I'm learning to just block them out of my mind. One day maybe I'll turn back to them but not now, not for a long time. I want to make my body strong and my heart hard as stone. Get fit, make money, satify my needs and forget everything else. That is what I have to be to stop drinking and move on with my life. I'll never speak or see her again and if that means i lose the kids then so be it. I'll focus on making money and if they need me in later life I'll be there and everything I have I'll leave to them but right now I've got to destroy the man I was and become something new.
You can go to mars and there you are - wrong! The man who goes to mars have been onan inter-steller journey and learned to survive in an alien world - he's not the man who stayed at home anymore. Travel, experience, life - changes who we are. We grow and I realize sometimes we even meta-morphosise. That is happening to me now
Don't expect most to understand. When I first read about Ghost Dads I couldn't understand it. But then it happens to you and you are living it and it is real.
Anyway - day 3 - here goes...
Last edited by tonesward; 09-30-2016 at 11:28 PM. Reason: spelling
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