help - is this day 1
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
I think you'll probably work through a few emptional positions over the next few months toneswards.
The way you see things now may not be the way you see them at Xmas, say.
It's a big change for you - it's only been a matter of weeks, and only a matter of days for you being sober - it's going to take some getting used to.
D
The way you see things now may not be the way you see them at Xmas, say.
It's a big change for you - it's only been a matter of weeks, and only a matter of days for you being sober - it's going to take some getting used to.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I'm really happy you've decided to get sober....
But please, please don't shrug off your kids in an attempt to strengthen yourself
You have no idea the affect of abandonment that will have on the kids and impact them as they grow up.
All this chaos is not their fault... please be an adult and don't let those kids become casualties of a domestic war.
Recovery may be a me myself and I endeavour, but that does not mean wiping your slate clean of responsibility and emotional ties to those children.
My birth mother died, my adopted mother abandoned me and my adopted father was a workaholic hardass. It had a huge impact on how I grew up to feel about myself in life.
Our kids are not dispensable items. Your sobriety needs to come first but your kids need to be as important as you are to yourself.
To me that is one true measure of a man.
But please, please don't shrug off your kids in an attempt to strengthen yourself
You have no idea the affect of abandonment that will have on the kids and impact them as they grow up.
All this chaos is not their fault... please be an adult and don't let those kids become casualties of a domestic war.
Recovery may be a me myself and I endeavour, but that does not mean wiping your slate clean of responsibility and emotional ties to those children.
My birth mother died, my adopted mother abandoned me and my adopted father was a workaholic hardass. It had a huge impact on how I grew up to feel about myself in life.
Our kids are not dispensable items. Your sobriety needs to come first but your kids need to be as important as you are to yourself.
To me that is one true measure of a man.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
day4 - checking in
Still fine - in fact ever since I got offered the Frankfurt job I've been fine. Think I'm having some withdrawal symptoms though - itchy skin especially my legs and scratched myself raw on my shins. And craving sweet things. Just gone mad on chocolate and jelly babies and taking paracetamol at night to chill out before bed
I've put my ex's number on auto-reject and got an indignant text from her yesterday. She also wants to know when I'm going to see the kids because my daughter - 5 - is missing me a lot apparently.
I'm not even going to reply. I don't want to start a dialogue - just want to disappear. I can’t stand the thought of having to see my ex for the rest of my life - so I won't. They might miss me now but that will pass. I am not important anymore in their lives. My ex has started a new relationship - that guy can be their new father.
Anyway - heading into evening of Day 4 - got sushi, jelly babies, chocolate,coffee and paracetamol -should be fine
I've put my ex's number on auto-reject and got an indignant text from her yesterday. She also wants to know when I'm going to see the kids because my daughter - 5 - is missing me a lot apparently.
I'm not even going to reply. I don't want to start a dialogue - just want to disappear. I can’t stand the thought of having to see my ex for the rest of my life - so I won't. They might miss me now but that will pass. I am not important anymore in their lives. My ex has started a new relationship - that guy can be their new father.
Anyway - heading into evening of Day 4 - got sushi, jelly babies, chocolate,coffee and paracetamol -should be fine
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on day 4 tonesward...don't be afraid to seek medical help if you are feeling too bad.
Regarding your kids, it's very early on in your sober journey so don't rush to any conclusions just yet until you start to feel stronger. Disappearing/running away from things we don't like is our addiction talking. Learning to face those things and take responsibility for them is part of becoming sober.
Regarding your kids, it's very early on in your sober journey so don't rush to any conclusions just yet until you start to feel stronger. Disappearing/running away from things we don't like is our addiction talking. Learning to face those things and take responsibility for them is part of becoming sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
Day 6 - tricky situation
I don't know if I can ever really be sober. Last night the addiction just took me suddenly - I just checked into a new hotel and I just knew that I had to have a drink. It came out of nowhere - one minute I was fine the next I was on a mission
I got back to my hotel room with half a bottle of vodka in a black plastic bag and put it away in a drawer
This morning it is still there. I didn't drink -somehow. I ate a pack of jelly babies, a chocolate bar, a whole chicken, some couscous and a viking sized block of cheese and went to bed
I just had to have it near me I suppose
So what now?
I'm here all day working on wifi from this hotel with that sexy monster dozing like a lover in the drawer
...
Hate throwing away things - can't exactly give it to charity
...
I got back to my hotel room with half a bottle of vodka in a black plastic bag and put it away in a drawer
This morning it is still there. I didn't drink -somehow. I ate a pack of jelly babies, a chocolate bar, a whole chicken, some couscous and a viking sized block of cheese and went to bed
I just had to have it near me I suppose
So what now?
I'm here all day working on wifi from this hotel with that sexy monster dozing like a lover in the drawer
...
Hate throwing away things - can't exactly give it to charity
...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
Day 40. Doing well but lost my kids
I've had some relapses but I'm doing well finally. In Frankfurt now and the new job is demanding - 12 hours a day and I work all weekend too. It stops me thinking. Living in a hotel. Still havn't seen my kids since my wife left in Sept. Miss them. Miss my wife too but she has moved on now.
not sure how I'm going to cope with 10 days off at Christmas.
Have basically replaced alcohol and sex with work and chocolate
not sure how I'm going to cope with 10 days off at Christmas.
Have basically replaced alcohol and sex with work and chocolate
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 174
Congrats on day 40!
Please don't take out your anger of your wife's actions out on your kids. It's not their fault, they didn't do it. Don't believe the lie that your absence will have no effect on them. Don't let them believe that it's their fault that you don't wish to see them. You brought them into this world and your commitment to them has nothing to do with your wife's commitment to you. You have have a responsibility to them, don't let your pain control you and let you believe that you no longer have to live up to that responsibility.
Even though it's painful right now for you to see her, think of how painful it is for your kids to not see you. Do you really want to cause them the same pain that you yourself are trying to avoid? Please try to do what is right, they are blameless in all of this.
Please don't take out your anger of your wife's actions out on your kids. It's not their fault, they didn't do it. Don't believe the lie that your absence will have no effect on them. Don't let them believe that it's their fault that you don't wish to see them. You brought them into this world and your commitment to them has nothing to do with your wife's commitment to you. You have have a responsibility to them, don't let your pain control you and let you believe that you no longer have to live up to that responsibility.
Even though it's painful right now for you to see her, think of how painful it is for your kids to not see you. Do you really want to cause them the same pain that you yourself are trying to avoid? Please try to do what is right, they are blameless in all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
She says they don't talk about me,don't miss me and that they've all got used to me not being around and that it's better that I stay away, just disappear and not mess them up by visiting
Last edited by tonesward; 12-15-2016 at 12:40 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by tonesward 
She says they don't talk about me,don't miss me and that they've all got used to me not being around and that it's better that I stay away, just disappear and not mess them up by visiting
Only reason I asked was that while BHL touched on a good point, I got this gut feeling that that was not the whole story. And that the situation had evolved over the time that had passed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by tonesward
She says they don't talk about me,don't miss me and that they've all got used to me not being around and that it's better that I stay away, just disappear and not mess them up by visiting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
Day 47 - dreading the Christmas holiday
Flying back tomorrow to the UK from here in Frankfurt. I've lived in a world of work doing 12 hour days in office 7 days a week but now I'm going to spend a week back in the UK and I'm worried
I'm going back because my ex has agreed to let me have the kids for 2 days - first time I've seen them since we split in September.
Just trying to condition myself not to drink but the AV has been very strong this last week
Ex wife keeps changing her mind whether she wants to see me but yesterday she sent me a bunch of topless pics from her phone. She left me for someone else but that has broken down now and she texted and said she is lonely and down but I just don't think I could ever go back after all that has happened. And whenever I am with her I want to drink. I've only ever been able to stop when we have been apart.
She's very attractive but ultimately she's very demanding too.
Wish I wasn't going back at all but I might not see the kids again for months. Just trying to decide how it's going to be before I go rather than letting events happen
Work is my routine and I know that on holiday I will be vulnerable to my AV. Will try and study every day all day
I know I'm entering a very dangerous phase. Last time I drank I tried to kill myself with paracetamol and spent 3 days in intensive. Also I gambled away $6,000 on credit card in 1 hour. I'm a idiot when drunk and it terrifies me
I'm going back because my ex has agreed to let me have the kids for 2 days - first time I've seen them since we split in September.
Just trying to condition myself not to drink but the AV has been very strong this last week
Ex wife keeps changing her mind whether she wants to see me but yesterday she sent me a bunch of topless pics from her phone. She left me for someone else but that has broken down now and she texted and said she is lonely and down but I just don't think I could ever go back after all that has happened. And whenever I am with her I want to drink. I've only ever been able to stop when we have been apart.
She's very attractive but ultimately she's very demanding too.
Wish I wasn't going back at all but I might not see the kids again for months. Just trying to decide how it's going to be before I go rather than letting events happen
Work is my routine and I know that on holiday I will be vulnerable to my AV. Will try and study every day all day
I know I'm entering a very dangerous phase. Last time I drank I tried to kill myself with paracetamol and spent 3 days in intensive. Also I gambled away $6,000 on credit card in 1 hour. I'm a idiot when drunk and it terrifies me
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
oof. Sounds like a lot of potholes are coming your way.
Honestly? Call her and set the ground rules.
Do you want to go back to that drama and chaos? I certainly wouldn't. If it were me, I'd say, "I'm coming to spend time with the kids, so don't get any ideas about us fooling around or getting back together."
Ugh. That is so low of her...and if you are her warm place for the holidays she's going to pull out all the stops.
Honestly? Call her and set the ground rules.
Do you want to go back to that drama and chaos? I certainly wouldn't. If it were me, I'd say, "I'm coming to spend time with the kids, so don't get any ideas about us fooling around or getting back together."
Ugh. That is so low of her...and if you are her warm place for the holidays she's going to pull out all the stops.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You know, I feel bad for offering any words at all on this situation. I have a past filled with so many bad decisions relationship-wise; and I'm really good at having an idea of what I should do - but I often don't follow my own advice. She definitely triggered some bad memories for me with her cloying text/pictures just when you are going to see your kids for Christmas and I reacted to that.
So I wanted to come back and say good luck with whatever you end up doing and please don't drink over this. You deserve a better life for yourself than drinking.
So I wanted to come back and say good luck with whatever you end up doing and please don't drink over this. You deserve a better life for yourself than drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
reaching out for help to stop again
I was doing great and got over confident - thought I could handle having a few drinks finally
nope
I drinking again - moderately - which means heavily by normal peoples standards but by my own standards it's moderate (for me a bottle of wine a night is moderate, half a bottle of vodka a night is heavy)
Anyway - I WANT TO STOP
I just need some help as I keep trying and keep failing and I know if I don't stop it's just going to get heavier and heavier
I'm still in Frankfurt, I was living in a hotel for the last 2 months and got into a good routine but moved out into an apartment a week ago and the change of routine has got me.
I want to stay sober tonight so I'll check this site when I get back from work and hope I can find inspiration and motivation to get back on track
peace
nope
I drinking again - moderately - which means heavily by normal peoples standards but by my own standards it's moderate (for me a bottle of wine a night is moderate, half a bottle of vodka a night is heavy)
Anyway - I WANT TO STOP
I just need some help as I keep trying and keep failing and I know if I don't stop it's just going to get heavier and heavier
I'm still in Frankfurt, I was living in a hotel for the last 2 months and got into a good routine but moved out into an apartment a week ago and the change of routine has got me.
I want to stay sober tonight so I'll check this site when I get back from work and hope I can find inspiration and motivation to get back on track
peace
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
I had to accept that my relationship with alcohol was toxic and the only way I could grab hold of my life again was to quit drinking for good.
Not one, not ever, no matter what.
What support do you have? If SR is it, you need to post here more, I think ?
You can get into cruise control with recovery - but not for a while - it takes some hard work and sustained effort in the initial few months - even the first year...
D
Not one, not ever, no matter what.
What support do you have? If SR is it, you need to post here more, I think ?
You can get into cruise control with recovery - but not for a while - it takes some hard work and sustained effort in the initial few months - even the first year...
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Faringdon
Posts: 44
only SR for support
Hi Dee - thanks for the reply
I'm out here completely by myself so no support except for SR - so I will post regular now. It felt so great to be clear and sober and it's so easy forme to slip back into drinking. You're right - it's a totally toxic relationship.
Thanks for taking the time to post. Feeling stronger
I'm out here completely by myself so no support except for SR - so I will post regular now. It felt so great to be clear and sober and it's so easy forme to slip back into drinking. You're right - it's a totally toxic relationship.
Thanks for taking the time to post. Feeling stronger
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