Meeting my old friend, mr rock bottom
 

I'm lying on my bed fully clothed. I barely have the motivation to get up. My room is filthy. Sheets are unclean. Papers and unopened letters all around me. Things build up around me and I've got no control over them, seemingly so. I met a friend for lunch - it went from 'I'm not drinking' to having three pints. I came home, argued with my brother, and slept in my bed, where I am writing this now.

I have £5 to my name in my bank account, and it's midway through the month. In fact I put away £1000 in a savings account, but have already taken £200 from that. The problem is that it will take 3-6 working days to come through. In the meantime I'll have to get a payday loan to have some cash.

I feel my life is a complete mess. I was planning to have a quiet day at home, tidying, organizing my papers, getting my life together and staying sober. And instead my day was sidetracked by lunch with my friend, the drinking and sleeping in bed full clothed.

Another friend texts me tonight about plans to go out. I feel guilty that I'm letting him down but I can't afford to go out more. I can't tell him how low I'm feeling or how out of control my life feels right now yet I know going out to see him and others will probably follow a predictable orientation. He may give me drugs. I'll chase the high, and it will become another regrettable evening.

So I stay home and lick my wounds, I look at the mess around me knowing that with energy and gumption I could clean everything in an hour. I could also tackle my papers. Yet, I lay here and feel so exhausted.

I don't know if alcohol is the sole problem or whether I'm an alcoholic as such. I know I'm depressed, I'm sensitive and my life is on edge. I feel low about myself. I know alcohol sends me further into that darkness and I lose my positivity. Surely this is a kind of depression. A kind of crisis that I'm in. Every time I drink I feel guilty about it, I can't enjoy it. I seem to only find the light when I'm sober now.

I'm struggling along, really struggling. I can't save money, I can't keep my place clean, I can't follow an exercise regimen. I'm a slob, a lowlife. A parasite. I spend my money on takeaway. Before it was drugs and alcohol. Now it's primarily takeaway. It's sort of taken place of my previous addictions. I spend all my goddam money on takeaway.

Yes. I remember that unmanageability that alcohol brought to my life as well.

What about getting to some meetings instead of lunch dates or friends who may give you drugs. If we want support, the first step if asking for it in the right places. From people who understand what we're going through. Often when I feel low a meeting will give me a burst of hope that sees me through the day and helps get me refocused on the solution instead of staying stuck in the mire of the confusion.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

I know that feeling that daily responsibilities, even owed just to yourself, are too overwhelming to approach. I'm in the midst of an attempt to stay sober through an entire weekend, so I can hardly claim to have recovered, and am in no position to offer advice. All I can say is what I try to say to that voice in the back of my head that wants booze: "all booze does is make things worse."

Welcome back George. Your story is a familiar one, most of have been there at one point or another. You are still alive, you have a place to live and a definite chance to make serious change your life....alcohol will most likely take all that away from you too if you keep drinking.

Alcohol is also a depressant, so if you have depression it only makes it worse. Kind of like a diabetic eating pure sugar somehow hoping it might help.

How about hitting a meeting of calling a doctor to get your depression checked our and detox safely?

Alcohol depresses the central nervous system but can actual act as a stimulant when initially ingested. It doesn't make one depressed though while being consumed - typically the opposite. One reason why it is cunning, baffling and powerful. Depression comes from the guilt and shame of yet another binge.

When I finally hit my head hard enough / long enough I was ready to change. Many here would agree that the consequences of drinking had to become bad enough to provide motivation.

Sounds like you are getting sick and tired of being sick and tired! Good - it may save your life

Sobriety is available to all who seek it and demand it in their lives more than anything. We are nothing special - just a bunch of sober drunks.

Hi George :)

so when are you gonna stop digging that hole? :)

D

Hi George,
I've been there. In my medical file is a report from a domicillary nurse who visited me as part of the follow up to a spell I had in the nut farm. It describes my living conditions with these two words "Absolute Squalor".

There was this nice man from AA who used to check on me too. I din't like the sound of what he was ofering. Not my thing going to meetings, and people were too open and honest which I found a bit frightening.

I didn't get any better and eventually hit the bottle and left town. I remember being in a park in Auckland with anther drunk. I had lost my job and place to live. I had $2.00 in my bank book. We were discussing the fact that from a certain angle it looked like $20.00, and would we be able to persuade a bank teller that this was so.

A few more cold nights and disasters, arrested again, then back to my home town where I had no friends left. Then what this nice man from AA had been saying came to mind. Might as well check it out. Haven't had to drink since.

George, I've had similar times. It got to the point that every time I drank it led to danger & the unexpected. I could never count on being safe as long as I continued to try & control it. I can't touch the stuff ever again. You sound ready to kick it out of your life and get free. We know you can do it.

Hi George,

How are you doing tonight?

Yep, been there, last time I drank I spent the weekend in bed and far too much money on my drunken escapades, including some very expensive uber rides and a locksmith when I left my keys in the car.

Now I'm 5 months sober and I have since never wasted a weekend like that and bonus - I save a lot of money these days. You never have to feel this way again if you don't want to.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start by turning down the next drink opportunity. It builds each time you get through a day or a craving. You feel like crap atm, use that as a good reason to quit drinking. That's what got me going.

Thanks for the support guys.

I've been sitting on the fence about quitting for so long.

It really does feel like it's holding me back - directly and indirectly - from having a more joyful, productive, positive and interesting life. I think it's time to go to an AA meeting and see how it goes. I'm not sure what else, I know quitting by myself without anchoring my sobriety in anything will be short lived.

Thanks for your concern. Feeling better.

I hope you follow through and hit that meeting George.
Action really is key :)

D