Talkinandwalkin

I don't know if you guys ever saw an old Seinfeld episode about even Steven. The plot was what ever happens to Jerry he comes out at least as good as he was previously. I am the embodiment of even Steven since quitting drinking. After quitting I took time off from my consulting gig to get right and was offered a higher paying job with a national company. After doing that for a year I recently ventured into a startup and I am making the same on average as with the national company. My relationship with my kids is ten times as good as it ever was.
Here's the rub my marriage absolutely sucks! I cannot get even Steven since quitting drinking. It's not like constant arguing it's like dead without anything. Like two strangers. Can anyone relate?

Gottalife

I don't know what you did to recover, but in AA a transformational change of personality is often the result. We are reborn, we are not the same person. So that is one possible explanation, you are different.

The other has to do with circumstances surrounding the wedding. What was the common interest (alcohol has been known to be a factor), were you (both) sober when you got hitched? I have known the odd alcy to sober up and be shocked at his choice of partner.

I suppose the third thing might have to do with old hurts. The partners of alcoholics get badly mauled by this disease at times. They can be carrying old wounds. Have you discussed that aspect with your partner and are you doing your part to make things right between you? Have you made amends?

RecklessEric

I find my marriage much more difficult that when I decided to quit.
I often think our standards are different when we're aren't actively drinking. I don't mean in a superior way but in terms of what we are actually prepared to deal with and what we don't let slide.

Gottalife gave an AA perspective but I see it differently.
If your relationship with your kids is different (better) it seems to me that it's just the other side of the same coin that your relationship with your partner will also be different (worse).

It may not be about healing wounds or making ammends, it could be that you have nothing to gain from the relationship anymore.

[Edit: I don't for one second mean to disparage my friend gottalife's opinion and disagree only with the utmost respect].

ScottFromWI

I would agree that we change pretty dramatically when we get sober, mostly for the good though. I would say that while the change may have affected your marriage, you need to view the marital issues as a completely separate and distinct issue that you need to address. Just like some of us have underlying psycholocial or physical issues that need attention. Quite possibly you were ignoring some of them while you were drinking, or trying to avoid them by drinking and they are just now becoming obvious. The simple removal of alcohol from the equation in itself won't solve every problem, perhaps you could ask your wife if she'd like to discuss the issue with you? Or perhaps even consider a counselor if you can't find common ground to begin?

EndGameNYC

Priorities change. They have to change in order to grow. My only priority while I was drinking was drinking.

A good relationship for me was one in which my partner didn't complain about or otherwise interfere with my drinking.

It isn't the strongest or the smartest who survive, but those who are able to adapt to a changing environment. Conflict ensues when things change while we are adamant about staying the same.

It's not all that complicated.

tomsteve

is there any communication between the 2 of you about what both of you are feeling?

Talkinandwalkin

Thanks a bunch. As always I am astounded by the quality of advice. After reading the responses it is evident that I have not put in enough thought as to the actual cause and or remedy. I can tell you when drinking I only was concerned with the bare minimum of effort required to maintain any relationship I had. I am fairly certain this is true for the majority of us. The best way I can put it is I would not recognize myself from 1.5 years ago. I know who I am and who I want to be for the remainder of my life and I am not afraid to be that person. I am just having great difficulty figuring out how my wife fits into the picture. I know that sounds awful it's just as honest as I can be.

Grungehead

I found that the biggest thing that caused me and my wife to split up after I got sober was co-dependency issues. Even though my drinking caused a lot of strife in our relationship, there was an element to it that satisfied her desire to be the one in control. I was fine with that when drinking, but after some time sober I no longer needed to be "taken care of". Where before I didn't mind her making all of the decisions I now wanted an equal say in matters. This caused a lot of friction in the relationship and eventually caused its demise.

And to be fair I was already an alcoholic when we met, so I am sure I subconsciously sought out someone like her that would take care of me since I couldn't do it myself. After getting sober I was a different person but she hadn't changed.

Gottalife

I remember a similar issue with my father. He had been forced to run my affairs, and found it very difficult to relinquish control. He could not have been more supportive of my sobriety, I had let him down many times before and it took him a while to feel comfortable that I had latched on to a real solution this time.