Aggressiveness/Assertiveness?
 

What is up with the increased aggressiveness? I'm a few weeks into this. Have had little to no cravings... this time is really different and kinda scary compared to other times I sobered up. Its not that I am made or angry, but I feel really assertive, like I'm not gonna take sh!t from anyone! (see my Jason Stathom thread).

Is this normal? Is my chemistry starting to change? This is a new one for me!

I had a lot of residual anger and aggression the first year I was sober. Tons. I channeled it into running and weight lifting. Worked well. :)

Just remember not to neglect your emotional/mental health. Therapy can help with that. So can reading, writing, and meditating.

I'm not saying this is all completely negative. It just scares me a bit. Its been many years that I experienced emotions like this.

Sure, it's completely understandable and many of us had lots of anger and overwhelming emotions when we got sober. Keep reading here and you will find many posts about it.

I personally had to work through a lot of stuffed emotions, memories, old emotional wounds from my childhood and family, as well as newer anger and resentments ... it was kind of all rolled up into one big ugly ball. I got sober, and the ball began to unravel. So, yeah ... lots of stuff there to be dealt with.

We all deal with this in different ways though. There's therapy, AA, secular programs. Some of us have journaled our thoughts and feelings and got them out that way.

Exercise helps a little, as far as using up any extra anxiety. It will help regulate your sleep as well, and it's a mood booster. Many of us were depressed as well as anxious.

And there was the experience of all these old memories rising to the surface, people who'd said or done things that hurt me, and my gut instinct was to go really let them have it. I wanted to go back in time and relive that scene and do things differently -- maybe take up for myself, be more assertive, fend off the bullies, etc.

But we can't go back. We are here in the now. So, it's good that you find a way to deal with this anger in a healthy manner. :) Revenge is never good. Doesn't accomplish anything except more hurt.

A life lived well, from here forward, IS something you can do. :)

Assertiveness should serve you well, btw. It's going to help you create healthy boundaries, better relationships, and yes, stand up for your rights. Good stuff.

^^^ great post!!

I mentioned in another thread of mine about endurance sports (distance running, cycling, etc). As I read of folks who excel in them, the strong majority once dealt with addiction and/or mental illness. Fancy that!

I suppose this is how they learned to deal with it, or maybe how they were able to re-invent themselves in sobriety. Sounds like a thread all in its own.

Yep, it might be because they are repetitive activities. We tend to have tunnel vision going. :) You know ... the whole laser focus on the one thing, the substance of choice. It translates well into a repetitive activity.

We were stuck on drinking/using, and in getting sober, until the brain totally heals, there's that tendency to find ruts in everyday life. :) I did, anyway. I would find myself getting stuck on something and would have to pry myself away from it and move onto the next thing. :)

Also, read up on neuroplasticity, as it might explain lots of this as well.

I gotta remember that one!! That spells out exactly how I've been feeling the past few days!

Assertive is fine, suggests commitment, confidence and growing personal strength. :) Anger can get in the way, though.

See, that's the funny thing... I can't say that I am really angry. I think I actually mellowed a little. Not sure.

I grew tons of confidence and assertiveness in my first year of sobriety, too, I'm not sure if it's "normal", whatever that means, but it's one kind of rebound that people experience. And it's not really new for me either, more a strengthening of a characteristic that I already had, but hadn't seen in a long time because it was buried under addiction-related characteristics. Nearly 6 years later, I'm still very strong personally - not angry at all, but I don't let external events and people get under my skin, and I'm very direct and focused when I need to be.

Assertiveness certainly plays a roll in recovery. However, it should be reserved for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, rather than trying to control others. It can end up increasing resentments and owing others amends for meddling outside of our own boundaries.

"All expectations are seeds for resentments".
(Chuang Tzu)
:smilejap:

Saw this printed on a t-shirt last night:

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This is how I feel, to a tee. It's been an unexpected benefit of sobriety.

Yes, it's always there. Anger, even hate. Was there before my drinking became problematic in itself, too. As others talk about here, it needs to be channeled elsewhere and in different ways. In my experience most people have deep underlying issues before they become alcoholics, for instance (or abuse other drugs). Drinking was often a means to soothe pain and problematic emotions and these things spill back over when engaging in longer sobriety. So they need to be handled in new and different ways.

Can you still get assetiveness training? I watched a couple of alcs go through it years ago, but I haven't heard much of it lately.

At the time I thought it was a brilliant thing to do if you have trouble getting your own way. What could be a better boost to self will? Which is why I didn't bother. Experience has shown me that I end up far better off when I don't get my own way.

Almost every milestone in recovery has been like that. Getting my own way would have resulted in a really second rate recovery.

I like that!

It took me awhile to just stop being mad at people. I had to let things happen and stop controling people. It was difficult Steve. But over time that subsidized and trust came back into my mentality. I think alcoholism warps our thinking in many ways Steve, given enough time you'll get back to normal.
Just don't drink.

I have struggled and failed at the assertiveness/aggressiveness thing over this past week. I am really unhappy with myself as a result. I just don't seem to get the difference and it affects my social and professional relationships badly. All the good I do seems to be completely undone to the point it was better I never left the house. It's like I am a natural jerk or something. I just don't know what to do with that.

This week's problem was work-related and I know exactly what the problem is. My boss has no boundaries with his boss and the **** rolls downhill. To make matters worse, my boss expects me and the rest of his staff to provide feedback constantly, only to turn around and explain why he is right and we are wrong. Then, he acts surprised when his staff is silent at meetings and treats us like losers. In this job and previous jobs, it always seems to fall to me to be the one to speak up about these unhealthy office dynamics. But it never ends well for me. I end up quitting in frustration. The rest of the staff don't appreciate my efforts to bring about change and are glad when I leave since it opens up advancement opportunities for them. I am always the designated successor to the current manager, but I never have the patience to get there.

If someone had explained what office politics were like when I was in college, I would have chosen a different profession. However, I am too close to retirement to change at this point, and I am good at what I do. I spend more and more time teleworking to cope.

I got like this but got control of myself and thoguht about it. The way I figured it some situations where not going well and I could either make it my problem to tend to and i would if it was indeed my fault. But i was not going to allow someone else or someone elses nonsense bring me down as I no longer could jsut drink it away. So i'd generally hand them there own bag of crap back it didnt always go very well btu at least I didnt have to get stuck holding that baggage so I felt better and besides it was theres to begin with.

I also took up running and endurance stuff to keep me calm. I'm cool as a cucumber after my daily run.