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Loneliness, and Rejection Threatens to Spawn a Relapse


Loneliness, and Rejection Threatens to Spawn a Relapse

Old 09-15-2016, 11:43 AM
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Loneliness, and Rejection Threatens to Spawn a Relapse

Last time I drank was this past Monday night, which bled into Tuesday morning. Over the course of the weekend and Monday, I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 36 longnecks, 7.4% alcohol in each. Tuesday was a miserable day of sweating and shaking at work, and yesterday was an unstoppable parade of headaches.

So today is really my second full day of sobriety.

Anyway, the chief problem I'm running into is that when work gets out on Friday, I'm sorely tempted to buy again.

Here's the thing: I try to make friends, but too often wind up hanging around with people like my abusive parents... except I usually don't realize it until many months into the relationship, when I inevitably get tossed aside the instant I'm no longer useful in some way. Either that, or I get rejected and/or ignored right off the bat, usually with no real explanation, and wind up feeling like I should just throw myself away.

So though I'm trying to find a social life, when the weekend comes, I reach out to people, trying to find something to do instead of abusing my body and mind with alcohol... and it's just crickets all the way around. Can't get any company set up in advance, can't get anything day of, nothing.

Now, I don't think I'm a rotten person. Quite the opposite: I really do go out of my way to be helpful, because I sure as hell don't value myself for my own sake (though I'm getting better at that). I know I apologize too much, and that my lack of self-esteem is pretty damn obvious... but it's not like I'm trying to date, ffs, you know?

So I wind up alone at home, thinking about how alone I am in the cosmos, how purposeless existence is, how odds are I'll be alone the rest of my life, and so on and so forth. It absolutely sucks. Faced with a choice between that and alcohol, for a long time alcohol has won.

I can't do that anymore, because my body reacts badly every time I stop drinking again to go to work or get back to some semblance of a life. I go through a day of withdrawal hell, tell myself "never again," and 4-5 days later I'm back at it. And because withdrawal gets worse each time, I'm setting myself up for some serious misery if I keep on this track.

So I'm trying. I've signed up here, hoping for camaraderie and support, reading and researching. I'm trying to resurrect a long-dormant hobby, and lose myself in a video game if I can't manage that. And that's going to have to be enough this weekend.

Sorry to babble on and on.

I wonder if anyone else here feels the same way? And perhaps what got them over the hump?

Thanks for reading.

Last edited by WeekendShadow; 09-15-2016 at 11:44 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 09-15-2016, 12:22 PM
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Congrats on getting those sober days under your belt, the first few are always the hardest from a physical standpoint. But regarding your question - yes, most of us felt that way initially. And I think the biggest problem is that it takes some time to realize that there is a major difference between "not drinking" and "sobriety". It's extremely common to feel "bored" when we are not able to continue living our life like we used to. And when our life was focused like a laser on activities that all involved drinking, it's difficult to conceive of doing ANYTHING that would be "fun" when alcohol is not involved.

So you do need to plan alternative activities - but you can't simply do the same things you did before minus the alcohol. That means most likely hanging out with new people or going to places, events that you've never done so before. You'll never find a non-alcoholic bar or club that involves an exact replica of a drinking bar simply minus the alcohol. Clubs and bars exist almost solely for consuming alcohol.

Here's a great read on a plethora of thigns "to do" to get you started.

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Old 09-15-2016, 12:35 PM
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Youl definitely get support here I really like Scott's post & know you have us to lean on 24h a day and remember to come join us in the weekender thread in newcomers
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Old 09-15-2016, 12:57 PM
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Thanks you guys.

Luckily (or unluckily, I suppose), I never got into going to bars for booze. I'd just stay home by myself. Of course, that means the everyday things around the house might prove to be triggers, rather than an establishment I can choose not to frequent.

Thanks for the link of things to do, going to check it out now. And heck yes I need new people in my life... though I'm a bit antsy about it, because I don't trust my own judgement at this point. Plus, I keep getting hung up on getting rejected, and trying to convert people ("I'm actually a good guy! Let me prove it!"), instead of focusing on the good people who deserve the effort infinitely more.

I've lots to work on besides not drinking. Yet I recognize that drinking is holding back the whole darn train. For me, I think a large part of this is going to be learning to make it through the ebb tides of depression without saying to hell with it and leaping off the wagon.

I'm trying. I'm really glad I found this forum. Everybody here has been really supportive so far. I really appreciate it.
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Old 09-15-2016, 01:02 PM
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Welcome You'll find supportive, friendly people here.

Make sure to post before you decide to drink. Consider putting a concrete plan into place, which you can tweak later. Also, why not join the monthly class of September?
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Old 09-15-2016, 01:07 PM
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Have you considered trying a few AA meetings? Plenty of people the who understand what you're going through and can tell you how they managed to get through these things.

When you look at the AA 12-step program, only the first step mentions alcohol. That's because putting down the booze is only the start of the journey. The other steps are all about learning new and different ways to think about and deal with life and other people. It's working those steps that made sobriety bearable, then comfortable, and now preferable to drinking for me. And gave me the ability to lean into my fear, and adjust my skewed expectations of others, so that I could enjoy functioning in social situations and group activities, which frankly, even as a child I'd never been able to do.

I found it hard to get to my first meetings, but I'd realised to a degree that if I wanted things to be diffrent to how they'd always been, I needed to try some things I'd never tried.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
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Old 09-15-2016, 01:36 PM
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Old 09-15-2016, 02:13 PM
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Glad your here!!!! Hope you stay in touch. John
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Old 09-15-2016, 02:30 PM
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I feel your pain, as I also find myself turning to the bottle when I am bored, alone, and too much free time on my hands. I spent my birthday alone this past weekend, and turned to the bottle as a way to trick myself into believing I am having a "great" birthday.

And the celebration continued for almost a week. I am still alone, bored, and nothing but free time. Booze only made these feelings stronger!

Know that you are not alone, and you deserve to be happy and free.
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Old 09-15-2016, 04:10 PM
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I'm hoping to do this without AA, not least of all because the nearest meetings are prohibitive distances away. I've got a plan...

...but I'm feeling pretty unsteady tonight. There's not much danger of me going out and buying booze tonight, as I have to work tomorrow, and I don't want a repeat of Tuesday's hot mess. But this is the only place in the universe that will acknowledge my existence at all right now. It really hurts that I try so hard to be a friend to people when they need me, but the minute I ask for some words of support or a hug, they're nowhere to be found.

Just frustrated as hell tonight. I feel like giving up on friendship altogether.
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Old 09-15-2016, 04:13 PM
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Focus on staying sober tonight. Work on friendship later. It will come.
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Old 09-15-2016, 04:29 PM
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A couple of posters have said there is more to sobriety than not drinking. That was my experience. Just not drinking was miserable and unsustainable. I felt really disconnected from the world.

The thing is I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. Alcoholism really made its presence felt when I stopped drinking. I had to treat it, and here's why:

I was suffering from a terminal progressive illness. When I looked at my drinking history, it was steadily getting worse, not better. Many times I tried to control it, or stop, but was unable. Alcoholism always culminates in one of these three options: We sober up, we get locked up, or we are covered up. It is that serious.

Maybe do an assessment of your drinking to date. Cant you control it? Can you leave it alone when you want to? Can you guarantee how much you will drink each time, 100%. Can you have a couple and stop abruptly?

Your answers, if you are honest with yourself, will tell you if you have the terminal illness known as alcoholism. If you do, wouldn't the sane thing to do be to make recovery your number one priority, ahead of everything else?

When I finally realised the seriousness of my situation, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for a solution.
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:08 PM
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For me, the first few weeks were filled with a lot of emotional ups and downs. I seemed to focus on the bad in everything. It was hard for me to see beyond this. It took me a while get pass this "what's the point" thinking and realize that I had many options in dealing with the things that were bothering me. Try to hang in there and remember what your going through right now is temporary, and things will get better. I don't know what your plan is, but I hope it includes some F2F support. If not, keep posting here and stay connected with the SR community. I could make all the difference. Have a good night. John
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:08 PM
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I'll be giving that a lot of thought in the days ahead, Gottalife. Thanks for your insight.
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:11 PM
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2muchpain, I don't have F2F for the weekend, but I do have regular appointments with a good therapist, which have worked wonders on the mountain of crap from childhood etc. that I've gotten better at dealing with. I do have a plan besides, though. Here's hoping.
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Old 09-15-2016, 06:30 PM
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Welcome WeekendShadow

For many years I was lonely - I got so terrified of being alone that I would glom on to anyone who showed me the slightest bit of attention...needless to say that did not end ell and my self esteem was about as low as it could get.

Adding alcohol on all those problems was like pouring gasoline on a open fire...the more desperate I became for company, the lower my standards slipped, the sooner I was ripped off, laughed at or simply shut out... and the more desperate I became...startign the cycle again.

Getting sober and stayong that way helped me break that cycle. Staying sober was hard., but I stuck with it and I grew.

I don't think I really understood how much on an impact alcohol had on my view of myself and the world until I stopped drinking.

So..I grew as a person...decided I wasn;t that bad at all and that my own company was pretty neat. My friends today are friends because they love me for who I am, not because they're the closest group of people near me.

Life is good. I know you can find that out for yourself too.
Glad you found us

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Old 09-15-2016, 06:53 PM
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Weekend Shadow, Thank you for sharing!

You helped me see more of myself and I am grateful to you for that....
I am inspired by your willingness and self reflection.

Blessings to you.
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Old 09-15-2016, 07:38 PM
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Is there anywhere nearby that you could join up with a group for a sport or hobby?
I first balked at AA, then I tried it and didn't mind it. Then I grew to like it, but could never get to it. I relapsed and relapsed and sobered up on my own many times, and tried staying sober on my own.
I just couldn't do it. SR really helps, but isolation and loneliness are the playing fields for our addictions. I know already my head is playing games with me because tomorrow I will be alone, child free, no plans.
Early days for us is good to focus on whatever it takes to stay sober. The rest can come in time. Setting your expectations too high can lead to big let downs and back to drinking.

I have been trying to get sober and stay sober for about two years now. Like Gotalife said, it just gets worse and harder over time.
It kind of made me smirk a little inside reading the questions he posted. I can answer yes to them all, with most certainty. Yet my thoughts when I'm alone and not busy with things or other people I am obsessed with thoughts about it.
So I know it's untreated alcoholism as much as I can control the outward action of drinking, I'm still an alcoholic on the inside.
I am not worrying about friendships so much right now as the connections I am making with other people in recovery.
I can't afford to cloud my head with too much stuff or I lose sight of what's most important right now, which is staying sober.

I am glad to see you around! Sorry for my rambling. SR is a good place full of good people and support. Stick close if you're struggling.
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Old 09-15-2016, 08:41 PM
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Weekend, I'm afraid I'm new and I don't have nearly the wisdom or experience yet of some of the other members here. However, in my current state I can totally relate to you and how you feel. I often feel very similar. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince everyone how useful I can be and then when it doesn't work, it feels like the express elevator straight to the dumps.

It's one of the things I'm (beginning) to slowly start working on. I'm not doing this for anyone else anymore. I'm not trying to be a better employee, boyfriend, child, uncle, or anything else. I'm trying to save my own life. If I succeed some of those things will easily improve. Some may not. But if I fail, I won't be of any use to anyone at any time. I guess I've always known that, now I'm just trying to start acting like it.

But to your point of needing something to do... I can't tell you all how thankful I am to read the to do list you all sent, but from my perspective everything feels a little depressing right now, and it's hard. But weekend, you mentioned something that has helped me once before in the past and is helping me somewhat right now - video games.

So, I get it can be another format of escapism, but it helps me tremendously in the early days. When I managed to get six months under my belt it really helped me personally. (Too bad I wasn't smart enough to stick with it)

I play games that really give you some options - shoot stuff, build stuff, find stuff, etc. So when one form of game play isn't working, I can do something else, but sort of in the same world, if you will. Let me tell you, this past week, I've turned over every rock in the game!!

I know it's not for everyone, obviously, but it gives me a couple hours of not thinking about drinking, or my stupid job (which really isn't that bad when I'm not a crazy person); and when the crazy has passed, I'm still sober, and can refocus and get back to work on my planning, working around the house, or reading SR. And if I've blown the whole night, at least I can get a good night's sleep and try again tomorrow with 99% less guilt.

Good luck Weekend!! I'm rooting for you!

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Old 09-15-2016, 09:12 PM
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Hi. Well done to you on not picking up and reaching out. Would you try AA ? They have a great social time, I have friends who have just been away for weekend and another lot just gone to Spain for a week. I always meet in a cafe for breakfast b4 meeting. They really do have so much to offer x
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