Feelings about addiction
 

I just wanted to discuss this whole addiction thing. It seems there is so much more to it than meets the eye. Many people, including family members, have told me to "just stop drinking". Even though I'm through withdrawals, my body and mind still say it's ok to drink. If the 2 week withdrawal happened every time I drank, I'd never do it again. However, the one time you do drink/relapse, it's never as hurtful as the culmination of things that lead you to decide to get sober. I just wonder what it is about addiction, specifically alcohol addiction, that just tries to lead us to drink again, even though in our logical minds we know it will only end up with hurt. WE KNOW it will end badly, yet we yearn for that next sip. What's the deal? This is my first post that isn't "about me", so forgive me if I seem weird, but I'm trying to contribute, in my own way, and get people talking. It helps me, so I hope it could help others put their feelings of their addiction down and just get a bit of a rounded picture.

I think its different for everyone jimmy. I know people that can't even have a beer, because if they did, they wouldn't sober up for 3 weeks. I know people that dont' drink often, but when they do, they will drink until sunrise. I was a heavy drinker, but only realized what addiction was when I went on a ridiculous bender and I NEEDED alcohol to function. One of my worst memories ever.

Good topic though, I think you'll get many different perspectives.

Thanks for sharing, Thomas11. I'm after a few different perspectives. The thing I just can't grasp is how, even when we're sober and feeling really good about ourselves, we still go looking for a drink. We don't go looking for weed or crack or anything, but we go looking for alcohol, the thing that took our lives from us.... How is it that when we're feeling so upbeat, we still have to battle these thoughts? I just.... don't get it.

I don't get it either Jimmy...and that's why I had to learn to simply accept it. By that I mean I had to accept that there is something about me that's just won't allow me to consume alcohol in any sort of controlled manner. No matter how long I stop for, I will ALWAYS return to alcoholic drinking if I start again.

I also had to accept that I'll never know WHY I am this way. There simply is no logical explanation. I found that I really wanted to know WHY so I could FIX whatever was wrong and start drinking normally again. But at the end of the day it's not a fixable problem...it just IS.

Whenever I stopped the last thing I felt was good, about anything. I usually stopped because of pressure from somewhere related to something I did when drinking. Not turning up for work, doing things that betrayed my own values, generally getting very sick and never having anything.

A lot of the time I swore off in the morning with very good reasons from the night before, and yet even with those fresh memories I still would find myself drinking that night. Usually I was on the second or third drink before I remebered I wasn't supposed to drink that day. Too late.

In the course of my alcoholism my moral compass went way off beam. I picked up extremely self centred behaviours, eventually being reduced to living to satisfy instincts. Sex, security, prestige. Sober or drunk this put me in conflict with everyone around me. Just stopping drinking didn't change the behaviours. They reflecteed back on me making me feel bad about everything, and then I would remember the sense of ease and comfort that used to come with talking a few drinks.

The obsession came back that this time I would handle it and just have a few. etc. These were the thoughts when they occurred. Most of the time I found myself drinking like it was autopilot, with no thought at all.

If I could have stayed happily sober, I would have. But I did not know how to live. My personality had become so damaged, my view of the world so skewed, that I could not see a way forward without alcohol. Then I couldn't see one with it either.

The solution was to somehow change my behaviour and my reaction to life, completely switch around my personality. What happened with the help I got, was that the world seemed to change. From cold and forbidding to warm and inviting, full of lovely people and opportunities for me. I saw the reality of my , and the reality of the world, and found a way to exist happily. Along with that change, the desire to drink disappeared. It no longer made sense, it lost all its attraction. I had found whtever it was that was missing. The "hole in the soul" had been filled.

Actually, though happiness is a big part of it, endless bliss has not been what sobriety is about. The more important thing is I feel OK inside, and I have developed a faith that really works. From experience I know that whatever happens, it will be OK.

Powerful post, Gottalife. Much appreciated.

Very heartfelt and beautiful post, gottalife.
I feel very much the same way. I don't have a hole in my soul anymore. When I started heal that void, the desire to drink just went away. That's what real recovery is. Just abstaining isn't enough.

This is what I'm on about. We're always going to be addicts to alcohol, but what is it, tangible or not, that makes us drink or not... do you know what i mean?

For me, I think I drank to escape the low self-esteem and depression I felt. To get away from myself for a while. And because drinking meant socializing for me. I hated being alone, so I'd go out and drink with friends (or strangers, didn't matter) so that I was with people. I hated being alone because I didn't like myself, and I needed validation from others. Drinking allowed me to talk to others. Even if most of the talking was stupid drunk talk. But the problem was, I would do things drunk that made me feel even worse about myself. A downward spiral.

When I made the decision to quit, I also knew I had to learn new ways of dealing with the low self-esteem and self-loathing, or I'd fail. It's been a gradual process. But talking the stupid drunk behavior out of the equation has helped a lot. At least I'm not adding any more crap to the crap pile that was my life. I feel so much more at peace with myself - more comfortable in my skin, and not afraid to spend time alone and be kind to myself.

Lots of good perspectives here. I will say this, I am a curious fella just like you. I always want to know the "why's" of everything. Addiction is one in which it is almost impossible to know "why". I echo was Scott said....we have to just accept it, and leave it alone. I also think once you accept it, your mind will quiet down a little.

We drink because we're addicts. We want to keep using because we're addicts. We've used to so much of an extent that we've altered our brain chemistry to develop tolerance and kindling (read excerpts from "Beyond the Influence", I believe they are stickied in this forum)

Whether it's process or substance I think there's levels of addiction that are less harmful or stigmatized than others. Like alcohol and drugs vs gambling and porn addiction vs gaming junkie and pokemon go addict.
Even in every day life there are levels of interaction or use, that are used as a crutch. A crutch can be either good or bad, but it's something that you lean on for support to make you feel better.
I was reading that study about the rat experiments and how drugs affect the dopamine receptors. I think there is a wide array of processes and substances that can be overused, affect our brain chemistry and our overall well-being of life. But it's because we've fried or dulled those pleasure receptors to the point that we keep on doing it til we're devoid of function or until we find a different way.
I think all of us have the capacity to become addicted. We live in a world of instant gratification now which makes it ever so much more to slide into the pit of despair of addiction (hello, me who walks around with my phone in my hand like it's my best friend)

I do think there is a link to community and connection. There's just a lot of layers to it. Also genetics. Environment. Upbringing. Mental illness. Lack of resources. I think isolation drives a lot of addiction.
I used to have a hell of a time going to the casino and getting hammered and gambling for hours on end around hundreds of people... all by myself. That one was a little easier to fix- I had myself banned from all the casinos province wide.

I think humans are just wired to seek out pleasure and reward. Some get it through reading, some get it through exercising, some paint, some go to church, some do meth, some drink alcohol, some gamble, etc.
Drug or process of choice, we're looking to get some kind of reward out of it. It's like when we go to AA we say often we want to give it away and reach out to those who are still suffering because it rewards us to. Sometimes it's an altruistic or healthy self-loving compulsion that drives our actions, to fulfill our needs and desires. Sometimes it is something we don't intend to turn into a harmful action with bad consequences when we try to fulfill our needs and wants by making a bad decision. Positive and negative can both propel themselves forward (or down, if it's bad I guess) it just depends on the next step and the next steps we keep taking.

I think if you cut right down to it it's just basic human needs and wants that we are trying to fulfill. We try different things out, we fall into good or bad ideas, then we start repeating patterns of what we're taught, and how our own brains develop as we go along.

Other than that, I've accepted I'm just an addict trying to do the next right thing. I think it's interesting to look at the scientific side of it and think there is a lot to be learned yet about the scientific side of addiction and recovery. I also watched a really interesting documentary on alcohol and the prohibition. I can't remember what it's called but I think it used to be on netflix. I'm interested in the historical side of it too. The prohibition era is such a fascinating period. But, hey I get swallowed up in awe by all history so.

I don't know, that is kind of how I think about it, after doing lots of reading and listening, and learning. I couldn't bother with the technicalities of it until I was sober though. I find the nuts and bolts really interesting because my big struggle is finding the spiritual connection that a good program pushes. So I fill my void with lots of informative, inspirational, and motivational activities. I don't feel so empty anymore.
Like what I read before, "I came, I came to, I came to believe." That gives me hope and faith where I feel like I'm still trying to find my way in the dark, I see some light.

Somewhere in all that I don't think there is a lot of point, haha... There's just a very good example of the thinkings that fill the space in my head where that big ol' bottle of vodka used to take up :)

Kind of a sidenote... even when I'm doing good sobriety wise, I can tend to find I overuse my time on SR. I see it as a good thing- I'm not drinking- but I can also waste a good portion of my day on here that is meant to be doing other things. Moderation is key and fleeting for some of us ;)

That was a ridiculously long reply. My apologies for the novel. :laughing: jeez

It's more like a Table of Contents for some of my posts.

I think for me there's a genetic component - my father is also an alcoholic and many on his side of the family are too. Then there's the environmental element - I drank heavily for years as a way of dealing with work stress, relationship issues, personal insecurities and so on.

Along the way, I believe, my brain and body crossed a line, the result of which is that I can't drink in moderation and with one drink will start down a slippery slope that will destroy all the positive things in my life, and end with death from alcoholism.

I really, really don't want to die from alcoholism. And I was heading that way.

I agree with Scott. No point asking why this is the situation for me. The point at which I was able to accept it was when I was ready to stop drinking for good and seek the path of recovery.

I think there are quite a few factors that can lead to alcoholism and other addictions. Genetics plays a big part, also mental health issues like anxiety and depression can make sober life horrific, so many turn to booze.
There also was a recent study somone posted on here with mice that had the rational area of their brains disrupted. The ones with the disruption would continue to drink and drink, there the unchanged ones did not. It could be a sign of a brain mutation in our brains that knows the consequences, how horrible it's going to end up if you drink, but we don't care and keep drinking anyhow as being drunk, escaping, trying to feel more confident, or whatever the reasoning as we may feel it is worth it.
I think this also is the reasoning why i've noticed that people that do finally hang up the booze for good, come to the realization that it's just not worth it to drink anymore, and whatever perceived "good" the booze brought, is not above the consequences.

the answer of what make ME drink or not is simply the maintenence of my spiritual condition. let up on it and rest on my laurels and ill surely drink.

today drinking would be a choice. i either choose to face life on lifes terms with all of the feelings and emotions or i choose to run and hide.

As thomas11 suggested, we cannot always know "why" a thing is what it is, or what prompts certain behaviors. But our brains are built in such a way as to continue looking for answers, to figure itself out, combined with the mind continuing to create itself (such as in mathematics, which only deals with the contents and processes of the mind, and that do not exist in the real world as we know it), regardless of the strength and number of obstacles to knowledge or certitude. It's as though, as a species, we cannot not want to know the answer to the question "Why?" in any area of our existence, even, or perhaps especially, when the answer is all but undoubtedly unavailable. Just ask anyone who's been dumped in a relationship. And like when something is bothering us and, in response, we "try not to think about it." It only makes things worse.

In the search for first the cause of things, I need to start with the question, "Why is there something instead of nothing?" Thousands of years of intense thought and thinking has only left the question unanswered. Having been on the front line of addiction research and treatment for many years, the question about "why" we are what we are or do what we do has become irrelevant, at least for me, though most people continue the pursuit for an answer. For me, it's much more useful to take a descriptive approach rather than to search for first causes which approach, in turn, leaves the door open for discovering causes, if they present themselves at all.

To ask "Why?" is to ask for a cause-and-effect relationship which very often does not exist. The question is both appropriate and effective in criminal law, but not in something like psychotherapy, where one is not building a case against one's patients. When asked why I did or thought a certain thing, the correct answer is often, "I don't know." So, it may be more helpful to ask, "What were you thinking when you did that?"

I've posted this before, in particular as it concerns trying to figure out why I drink as a condition to that needs to be met before I put down the drink, but it may be helpful as part of this thread:

Zen 101 | Parable of the Poisoned Arrow

And, with further, thought-provoking, explanation:

The Parable of the Poisoned Arrow | The Tao of Recovery

I see addiction as a brain disorder. Why else would I chase the fleeting high that always leads to hell. Because my brain is messed up.

For me, it's the fact that I'm doing better and also that I'm not entirely convinced I'm a 'real alcoholic'.

I'm not sure that alcohol is different than any other substance, it is just our DOC. If we were primarily weed-smokers or crack users, we would be pulled to that.

The fact that alcohol is easier to obtain than those two things doesn't help though, either.