Gaining back the trust of a spouse??
 

Like many of us here, we put our spouses and/or loved ones through a lot of grief and perhaps heartache. I am quite early in my sobriety, but I need to gain back the trust and affection of my wife. I thought I was doing okay, but she apparently is still suspicious I am drinking. I learned earlier in the week she is telling people that I still am.

Not only does this break my heart, but I feel a "why bother?" attitude creeping in. I am afraid of a relapse! I am trying not to let it bother me, but that's easier said than done.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Actions speak louder than words. Your behavior is being scrutinized because alcoholic behavior is manipulative. This is why the trust has been broken. It takes pure honesty and openess in order for the trust to begin to re-grow. It takes time and you have to come to terms with the fact that things will never be the same but, there is hope for a stronger and closer relationship.

a drink wont help.
a few lines from the bb of aa
...Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us," Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. "

i had to put myself in tbe shoes of my loved ones. when i did that, i could see they had absolutely no reason to think or feel i was done drinking and a changed man after a short time of not drinking.
i had to earn their trust back over time and with action.
HOWEVER
my motive for the action at changing me was for ME.

That addict voice, the same one that probably told you it was ok to hide your drinking from your wife as well as do other things to break trust, now wants to convince you that her probably-well-founded suspicions make it ok to drink again. That's how it works. :)

If there's a simple solution to this challenge, that I encountered too, I never found it. There is only time and continued growth in sobriety. My wife and I are doing fine now, but other relationships did break and remain broken six years later. All we can ever do is work on ourselves and hope that broken or damaged relationships will heal over time, but we can't really control that.

dare i say it doesnt matter? what matters is you stay sober.... from there the rest will be added / come back to how they should be.

but yea getting worked up about it and over thinking it could certainly leave the screw this atttitude and then a relapse. But with or without her its in /your/ best interst to stay sober regardelss of what she says or how she feels. In time she'll come around or not but if your sober your better off no matter how the chips may fall etc..

i was kinda lucky I think my wife only suspected maybe once. I dunno that we really had trust issues. But i ran her through the ringer i guess with how friggen nuts i was in early sobriety adn well all the years of drinking and nonsense where not exactly easy on her. It was also hard on her to becasue all she ever new was teh drunk me now suddenly this totally different person was emerging and she was scared and uncertain etc..

This is the hard part. She feels suspicious and there is nothing you can say to change that. But, you can be patient and keep doing what you are doing. She will see the change, but you must allow her the time she needs.

Lots of good advice already steve. The way I look at it is that we lied to our spouses for years, decades sometimes about our drinking. We violated their trust over and over by doing so. While we can earn back respect and trust it's not going to happen in a few days or a few weeks, it might even take years. And if we lied enough we may never gain it back 100%.

That doesn't mean that things can never be good again though. And the ONLY thing that will repair it is staying sober. Nothing we can say will substitute for our actions. And not just "not drinking"...we need to provide clear evidence that we are actively working to live sober lives and repair the other issues that were underlying our drinking.

Thanks for the replies so far. I don't want to get into all the details, but I knew this would take time. I guess I sorta feel stabbed in the back.

One piece of advice a Family and Friends person gave me once is we don't get to set the timetable for someone else's healing.

What was an eternity for me was really only a couple of months for others.

I lost a lot of trust from people who loved me. There's no way to hurry up the process of forgiveness or getting that trust back - it can't be manipulated.

The best thing you can do is 'live right' and keep doing all the right things.
Have faith, not only in yourself but your partner too :)

The worst thing you could do is drink again.

D

This is an amazing thread. I was able to hide my drinking very well. However my wife knew all along just didn't know quite how much. We were just taking about it the other night. Every night she would ask have you been drinking and I would deny and we would get into a huge argument resulting with me being an idiot. I would wake up next day or in most cases Monday's and tell her I'll never drink again. She rolled her eyes every time.

Then when I finally quit without telling a single soul, going through withdrawals without anyone knowing...weeks and months later I would say I haven't had a drink since September 11. It was our friends wedding and I made a fool of myself. She said yeah right. Now this weekend it will be a year and j told her that and the trust is there. I proved myself and you can too.

AA motto of one day at a time has worked this far.

I think back to all the times I relapsed after being sober for a few weeks. Most times were a result of someone accusing me a being a drunk. I have to train myself to quit for myself, not others (although that is important!).

You may be waiting for a while. I'm at 7 years and I still get your eyes look funny from time to time. I completely destroyed her trust in me. I am 100% responsible. She had no blame. So I stay sober for me. I answer to my God and myself. I know I'm sober and maybe someday she will believe me maybe not.

I will say the trust factor is a 1000 times better than it was

Most of our spouses, partners and others around us probably felt exactly the same way ( stabbed in the back ) every time we lied or drank again too. And the details aren't important, you are correct.

You are finding out right now exactly why people say that getting sober is one of the hardest things they have ever done. The act of quitting the actual drinking seems like a walk in the park by comparison. Right now is when you have to face the reality of life and the reality of yourself . And it's a scary thing most of us need a lot of support to get through. And many times the support will not be there initially from our family. They don't understand addicition and/or have strong resentments for our behavior. Having a support network like SR or meetings, therapy, etc is essential.

I agree on the first part!

As far as people understanding.... fancy this: I am finding the most misunderstanding & stumbling blocks coming from church/spiritual leaders. These folks have zero understanding of addiction and/or mental illness.

Just because you sowed your "wild oats" when you were a teenager and drank some beers at a party - does not make you an expert!!

This is kinda my scenario. If people only knew how much bourbon I went through.... actually they wouldn't believe me!

but not ALL church/spiritual leaders are that way. talking with a few in the churches ive attended aa meetings at, quite a few have a very good understanding. could be why so many aa meetings are in churches.

I know a Priest and a Minister in AA and the Priest and Deacon of my local parish are very knowledgeable and the have referred parishioners to me. My clergy circle is pretty small but I have found the opposite to be true. They may not be experts but they understand how difficult quitting is and that it is not some kind of moral failing

I don't know or havnt asked do you trust now because the only real way I can show I'm serious is by one staying sober & keep trying to be a better man than I was yesterday

Well my wife already left me, but I do have high hopes of winning her back. In my case, I would say longevity of sobriety has been key so far, which is only 8 months so far, but still. Not relapsing is of course one of (if not the) most important things in terms of winning back some trust. To show you do something different, this time.