Gaining back the trust of a spouse??
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,764
Originally Posted by steve-in-kville 
I think back to all the times I relapsed after being sober for a few weeks. Most times were a result of someone accusing me a being a drunk. I have to train myself to quit for myself, not others (although that is important!).
It took me a while to get this - but people being unfair, rude, mean or even provocative to me was not ever a suitable reason for me to make the decision to drink.
The buck stops with me with that decision to drink.
The day I accepted it was noone else's fault was actually the day I started to grow again and get better.
Originally Posted by steve-in-kville
Thanks for the replies so far. I don't want to get into all the details, but I knew this would take time. I guess I sorta feel stabbed in the back.
Just as we can't run people's timetable for them I really believe we can't direct them how to react either
It's tough - but, seriously, it really is a great opportunity for growth
D
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I want to emphasise that this is one reason why it's so important to stay sober for yourself. Your spouse may or may not ever fully trust that you're not drinking or won't drink sometime down the road. Heck,I can't even fully trust myself that I won't drink down the road. This is a day at a time thing of continued effort and work.
We've all lied about our drinking and how many times have we said this is it only to start up again in days. Your spouse as seen all of that too. You need to do this for yourself and let your spouse do what he or she needs to do. The only hope we have is time with continued sobriety. Trust from a spouse is outside our control. We can only hopefully influence it.
We've all lied about our drinking and how many times have we said this is it only to start up again in days. Your spouse as seen all of that too. You need to do this for yourself and let your spouse do what he or she needs to do. The only hope we have is time with continued sobriety. Trust from a spouse is outside our control. We can only hopefully influence it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 55
Getting upset and angry about the trust situation isnt going to do any good. Practicing acceptance through my recovery is what is helping me with the fact that my wife thinks I am a liar. Truth is, I am a liar, and I did it often through 13 years of marriage, and if I were in her shoes, I wouldnt trust or believe me either. I need to accept that I caused this, and I cant control the way she feels, or create her timeline for getting over those feelings.
I have to trust my HP now, and work through my issues first. I have faith that she will also work on her issues (that I caused) and when/if we are both ready to work on the relationship issues, that can be done in time. First things first, and that is working on my recovery in early sobriety.
I have to trust my HP now, and work through my issues first. I have faith that she will also work on her issues (that I caused) and when/if we are both ready to work on the relationship issues, that can be done in time. First things first, and that is working on my recovery in early sobriety.
Semi-Professional Philosopher
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Rural PA
Posts: 954
Thanks for the many helpful replies. We had a short talk the other day and I asked her when the last time I drank was.
She couldn't answer the question, so I may be gaining some ground after all.
She couldn't answer the question, so I may be gaining some ground after all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 42
I was reading this thread the other day and I asked my wife how long it took for her to trust me again and she couldn't say with certainty, but she said she thought it was a couple of months. I believe the answer lies closer to a year, and even today I am sure that if I am acting overly goofy, or really tired a part of her may still wonder if I have been drinking.
The reason I say this is because I was really caught up in needing her trust back completely when I quit drinking and I wanted it the second I stopped. This wasn't really fair because I had lost that trust over a long period of time. All that you are able to control is your own actions and you need to not drink for you and for your own reasons. Don't let someone else hold sway over your emotions (easier said than done, I know) and make sure that you don't use things like a lack of trust, or a perceived lack of trust to throw away what you have worked for. Also, don't be upset if she still has doubts, again, it takes a long time to move past the damage that was done in our relationships and we shouldn't have any expectation to the contrary. The only thing we are able to control is our decision to not drink, and everything else will follow suit in time.
The reason I say this is because I was really caught up in needing her trust back completely when I quit drinking and I wanted it the second I stopped. This wasn't really fair because I had lost that trust over a long period of time. All that you are able to control is your own actions and you need to not drink for you and for your own reasons. Don't let someone else hold sway over your emotions (easier said than done, I know) and make sure that you don't use things like a lack of trust, or a perceived lack of trust to throw away what you have worked for. Also, don't be upset if she still has doubts, again, it takes a long time to move past the damage that was done in our relationships and we shouldn't have any expectation to the contrary. The only thing we are able to control is our decision to not drink, and everything else will follow suit in time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Wonder how many times she felt stabbed in the back when she recognized that you were drinking tho you denied it. We get what we give. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you have a lot of footwork to do, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Steve, I tried to edit my earlier post to you because it was harsh and kind of flip. What I should have said was: keep working your program, don't drink, and demonstrate to your wife that you are worthy of her trust. Peace.
Semi-Professional Philosopher
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Rural PA
Posts: 954
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Steve, I tried to edit my earlier post to you because it was harsh and kind of flip. What I should have said was: keep working your program, don't drink, and demonstrate to your wife that you are worthy of her trust. Peace.
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